Progress

The photo from three years ago was taken one month before I moved to Nanaimo, approximately 2ish years after I accepted my eating disorder and starting fighting back. In that photo, I was in much better health. The last three years my body has shrunk, been put through hell and been starved intensely. In the last two or so years I have tried very hard to overcome this eating disorder, that being said I had set very unrealistic expectations of myself, I made irrational and impulsive decisions in which, I somehow thought would benefit me and fix my eating disorder. I have made some not so great choices by up and leaving my family to move across the province. Until today my goal weight was 130-145 pounds, I overwhelmed myself by this number. Today, I changed this goal, to a much more attainable one and less overwhelming one. My new goal is 110 pounds, the same as the photo on the left. Once I am able to get myself to this point then, I can reset my goal and work towards a new one. I have gone away twice in hopes that it would help with my eating disorder and both times I hated being away from my kids. My nurse and I have decided to put St Pauls treatment centre on hold. After the very stressful assessment with them and being away from Bella, it just doesn't feel right. The option is not gone completely, it is just not something I am working to getting into unless things end up going down hill majorly. I feel very good in this decision. My nurse is going to send a referral to a physchriatrist. We both feel that maybe Bi Polar has been over looked. We think that maybe trying out an anti psychotic might be beneficial for me. Her and I had a good conversation about my anger and about how long it's been going on. She asked me the question, when you do remember anger not being a problem for you.. I thought for a moment and shook my head, I said I don't. That's when her and I both knew that maybe it wasn't just depression, BPD and anxiety and maybe Bi Polar was more present than we thought. I am happy that we are going to do this assessment. I am very grateful to have a nurse who will go to bat for me, cares genuinely about me and helps me set goals for myself. I feel good as well as scared about all of this. Ana isn't to happy about it, but the thought of having a moment of silence in my own mind is incredible.

I have learned a lot from my friends, family and supporters the past two years. I have learned that not everything needs to be a big huge deal, just a part of life and move forward. I have learned that medication does not make you a failure or a freak. Only human, it's okay to need some help. I have been dealing with this my entire life and I feel ready to try something I have never tried before. I have learned that my experiences are not failures, merely an education. My life has not been rainbows and butterflies, it used to make me very upset, overwhelmed and like everything was going to come crashing down on me. Some days I still feel that way, more days than not I feel like I can get through this, it may be hard. It will also be worth it.
Sometimes, my past photos can make me very sad because I just wish it was as easy as going back, but today. Today I feel empowered by this photo from my past. I feel good knowing that my body can be that size, and healthy. It took three years to destroy my body to where it is today. I need to be patient and give myself some time to get myself back to where I used to be, health wise.