One day she blossomed

Lately I have been trying to get myself out there meeting new parents and friends. I want to not be anti social, I want to blossom and adventure through life. I don't want to waste away my days anymore. My little miss and I have been having a busy summer so far. Lots of play dates and meeting new people. One thing that I've really noticed about when I meet new people and we are exchanging things about ourselves, is that they often say "you seem to really have your life together". This comment used to make me want to laugh, the past little while I've found myself not denying it, trying to make people not believe it and just allowing myself to accept this compliment. Looking at my life right here right now, it is pretty together. By no means is it perfect, far from it actually. It is also far far from where I was. I can proudly say with confidence that I am a strong independent single working momma! I am beautiful, I am worth life, I am worth self love.
Two years ago the life I wake up to every single day now, is the life I dreamed of having. It's the life that I felt was completely unattainable, was I ever wrong! I have made some crazy choices over the years which at the time I felt were big mistakes, and now I see them as a blessing, an education and that is what brought me right to where I am right now.
I am confident in who I am as a person. I know I still have a very long recovery journey. I know that I am far from perfect and honestly I don't ever want to be perfect. I just want to be me. I want to continue finding things that make me feel alive and doing them. I am no longer living to please anyone else. I am in a position in my life where if you want to bring bullshit into my life, I will show you the door. If you cannot accept me for exactly who I am right now, growing and flourishing everyday then I will show you the door.


This is for all those people feeling like they are never going to get better, that their lives are stuck and broken. To all the people who feel like giving up or throwing in the towel. This is for every single person struggling in any way, shape or form. Keep fighting you beautiful bad ass, you're life is only bringing you exactly where you are meant to be. Everything negative happening now is preparing you for gratitude, self love and happiness. Let my life be inspiration that you can go from wanting to kill yourself to loving every single day that you stand on your own two feet. This is for you because I once was you, I fought very hard. I did things I had never done to get results I had never gotten. You are the controller of your life. Kick that asshole that treats you badly out of your life. Change the job that makes you miserable. Don't let yourself be stuck somewhere you do not want to be. You are worth everything, and you deserve it. Do not allow this awful world to tell you you don't deserve it. I am worth it and so are you. Every single one of you!

Progress

The photo from three years ago was taken one month before I moved to Nanaimo, approximately 2ish years after I accepted my eating disorder and starting fighting back. In that photo, I was in much better health. The last three years my body has shrunk, been put through hell and been starved intensely. In the last two or so years I have tried very hard to overcome this eating disorder, that being said I had set very unrealistic expectations of myself, I made irrational and impulsive decisions in which, I somehow thought would benefit me and fix my eating disorder. I have made some not so great choices by up and leaving my family to move across the province. Until today my goal weight was 130-145 pounds, I overwhelmed myself by this number. Today, I changed this goal, to a much more attainable one and less overwhelming one. My new goal is 110 pounds, the same as the photo on the left. Once I am able to get myself to this point then, I can reset my goal and work towards a new one. I have gone away twice in hopes that it would help with my eating disorder and both times I hated being away from my kids. My nurse and I have decided to put St Pauls treatment centre on hold. After the very stressful assessment with them and being away from Bella, it just doesn't feel right. The option is not gone completely, it is just not something I am working to getting into unless things end up going down hill majorly. I feel very good in this decision. My nurse is going to send a referral to a physchriatrist. We both feel that maybe Bi Polar has been over looked. We think that maybe trying out an anti psychotic might be beneficial for me. Her and I had a good conversation about my anger and about how long it's been going on. She asked me the question, when you do remember anger not being a problem for you.. I thought for a moment and shook my head, I said I don't. That's when her and I both knew that maybe it wasn't just depression, BPD and anxiety and maybe Bi Polar was more present than we thought. I am happy that we are going to do this assessment. I am very grateful to have a nurse who will go to bat for me, cares genuinely about me and helps me set goals for myself. I feel good as well as scared about all of this. Ana isn't to happy about it, but the thought of having a moment of silence in my own mind is incredible.

I have learned a lot from my friends, family and supporters the past two years. I have learned that not everything needs to be a big huge deal, just a part of life and move forward. I have learned that medication does not make you a failure or a freak. Only human, it's okay to need some help. I have been dealing with this my entire life and I feel ready to try something I have never tried before. I have learned that my experiences are not failures, merely an education. My life has not been rainbows and butterflies, it used to make me very upset, overwhelmed and like everything was going to come crashing down on me. Some days I still feel that way, more days than not I feel like I can get through this, it may be hard. It will also be worth it.
Sometimes, my past photos can make me very sad because I just wish it was as easy as going back, but today. Today I feel empowered by this photo from my past. I feel good knowing that my body can be that size, and healthy. It took three years to destroy my body to where it is today. I need to be patient and give myself some time to get myself back to where I used to be, health wise.

In the midst of hate

"In the midst of hate, I found there was within me an invincible love." This quote has been running through my mind for a while now. I spent so long being angry, upset and feeling like the entire world was against me. I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed to go right for me. I have learned a lot the last two or so years in recovery, about myself, about how to cope, about how changing your mind set can change your entire life. I learned that being angry about everything gets you no where, but angry and in the same place you started. Even though I am still learning new coping skills, I have gained many coping skills. It still isn't always easy to use them, but it is getting easier. Changing your mind set doesn't just happen over night. Some days will be a lot easier than others. You have to want it, you have to wake up and choose it even when you don't want to choose it. That can be the hardest part. For example, showering everyday and staying on a routine is really hard for me. Its also very important for me, my household and my life. Even though some days, I would prefer to just lay in bed and not to anything at all. I need to get up, get dressed and try anyways. Doing this has really helped how I have been feeling. Being able to have a part time job has also helped me a lot, it gives me the chance to need to get presentable and dressed nicely and work with people. I also have nurse appointments every Friday, that has helped me keep track of my eating disorder and check in with myself when Ana gets very loud. Having my partner come with me helps our household a lot because then I cannot hide things about my eating disorder. I have to out my eating disorder and if I happen to not my partner is able to do that for me. I am grateful I have the support that I do have. I am not sure where I would be without them.
Reconnecting with myself has been very important in the last couple of years. I spent a very long time lying to myself. I shouldn't say I have been lying to myself, more my eating disorder has been lying to me. Changing, twisting and controlling what I see in the mirror, what I deserve, what I eat, how I do things, or excuse things. Even when I didn't want to I would tell myself I deserved food, I deserved life and I deserved to move forward with my life. Doing this has helped me feel a lot better about myself. I still have many moments during everyday where I don't feel very good about myself, or I wish that I didn't have this eating disorder. That I didn't have to battle every single with my own mind. Its tiring, overwhelming and can often make me feel like I just am too much to handle. Those days are allowed to happen, I am only human after all. I just cannot let those days overcome me. I cannot unpack and live in those days. I need to accept them and then move forward with a new day.
It's funny how as each day passes it doesn't seem that anything is different, yet when we look back over a period of time, it seems so much has changed.
I am a very strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." I believe life has this way of putting us through really tough situations so that we can be truly grateful for the good that comes our way. In my life I often times felt alone, unloved and like everyone would be better off without me. Since accepting my eating disorder, and starting recovery I have learned that I am very loved, I am supported and I am never alone. I hated the lifestyle I had made for myself. I was genuinely not happy, overwhelmed and completely worthless. In this midst of all of that I found I did not have to be what the world told me I needed to be. I could be who I wanted to be in my heart. I had many moments where I realized that I had pushed away people and things I loved because I felt I did not deserve them. Once I opened my mind to the thought that, maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe I myself needed to look into the mirror and start making some changes. Change who I surrounded myself with, change my living situation and many other things about myself. For a long time I wanted to kill myself, recently I heard a quote about if you want to kill yourself you don't have to stop living and it really spoke to me. If you don't like yourself you can kill the parts you don't like. For example, everyone used to call me Jenn, when I moved to a new town I felt I needed a new start, I did not want to pretend I was somebody I was not. So when I introduced myself I would do it as Jennifer and not as Jenn. It was something so small and so simple, but it honestly help me a lot. I have made many steps in the last couple of years to better my life. It feels really good to not be living in the word of hate anymore. I am grateful for the experiences I have gone through, because they made me the person I am today.

My past does not define me

I recently made a video for an event which involved working with youth and researching and learning about mental illness. I made two videos. One was about eating disorders and one was about self harm. As I did research I learned there are many forms of self harm. Many forms I personally have done and dealt with. One that really stood out to me was trouble with the law, in my past I dealt with trouble with the law, often actually.  I never realized how so many of my actions were self harm. It was me hurting myself, punishing myself for not living up to the expectations I had set out for myself. This first time I got into trouble with the law I was 16 years old, I was . I was arrested early one morning before school. After the incident I had to report to a probation officer, while I waited for the court date to arrive. I remember so clearly the panic I felt realizing what I had done. It was while I was getting my finger prints done, the man looked at me and he said, "young lady what are you doing here, you don't look like you should be here at all". My stomach sank and I felt sick, scared and like I may have just ruined my entire life. He was right, I didn't belong there. What I did warranted me to be arrested and I was in fact guilty of the charges that were laid against me. That is not the reason I say I don't belong there. I say it because I know in my heart it is wrong to put your hands on someone else in anger, or any other form unwanted. I reported to my probation every time, I did the counselling and the assessments that were listed in my probation rules. Just shortly before I was about to finish my length of probation, there was another incident. This time, it was not involving my family. This time I was charged with twice, and another length of probation was added. At the time of this incident I was 17 years old. This made it so I was unable to see both my children unattended. I was removed from school and the school district as well. I could feel my life crumbling beneath my feet. Looking back now I can see that all of these actions were self harm, at that point in my life I truly did not care if this all impacted my future, because I honestly couldn't see a future for myself. I did not feel after all that I had done I deserved one. I did not feel worth the ground I walked on, I did not feel deserving of the food I did allow myself to eat, I did not like the person who looked back at me when I looked into the mirror. I hated everything that I was and everything that I was becoming. I hated how I treated people and I told myself that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change. I realize now that was my self harm brain talking.
 At the age of 18 or 19 I was arrested again. This time I was given more probation, a curfew and a no drinking order. I knew that after this incident, I needed to do something I had never done to get results in my life I had never gotten. My mom, step dad, brother and daughter had moved to Nanaimo. Since I could not finish my schooling in the town I was living in I decided to start looking at places for just myself in Nanaimo, to be closer to my daughter. I spoke with my probation officer about why I felt moving to Nanaimo was going to benefit my life. I wanted to work hard to be there for my daughter again and be the parents I knew I could be. In July 2013 I moved into a bachelor apartment downtown Nanaimo. I started going over to my moms house every day and spending time with my daughter more and more, then went back to high school.  Having a curfew really sucked for me at this time, as I lived across town and with school I could only see my daughter for short periods. After a while I asked my probation officer if I could have the curfew address put to mine and my moms as well, so that I could either be home or at my moms with my daughter when I needed to be in for curfew. As I was doing really well, and I had not had any breaches, they granted me that. I worked my butt off in school and graduated with honors. My curfew was up, and I still had a little bit of time left to go on my probation. I decided to go spend a weekend in the town I had moved from to visit some friends. I was still not supposed to drink alcohol. I choose to go out to the bar that night and play a game of pool. That is all it was supposed to be. Then pool turned into drinking and dancing. I ended up getting separated from my friends and getting jumped on my way back to the bar. Which in turn lead someone to call the police and I got arrested for breach of probation because I was not to be drinking or in an establishment where the main intent is to sell liquor. The next morning, I walked across town and waited until a friend was able to pick me up, help me get my stuff and bring me back to Nanaimo. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I had been doing so well, I was almost done and I just wanted it to be over with. As I waited for the court date my lawyer told me they wanted to try and get me in for at least 60 days, I was petrified. He was able to defend that this was my only breach of probation and that they felt I needed to move on with my life and try to get past being in trouble with the law. The end result I was to pay a fine. Since that probation has ended, and the fine has been paid. I have not been arrested or charged with anything else. As I sit here and write this, I have a part time job, I have my daughter living with me full time. I live with my partner who I am able to work with through conflict. I have gotten my learners driving license and life is moving forward. I've been feeling really down and out lately and having a hard time being grateful. I realized that maybe I needed to rehash some of my past to realize that life has gotten better, hard work does pay off, and I can in fact change for the better. I have learned about self care, which is not something I used to find very important. Routine and being able to voice myself without anger is also important. Sometimes for me this means writing it down on paper, or waiting until I do not feel so much anger before speaking to someone. I am still learning, I am no where near perfect. In fact I never will be, and that is okay because I do not want perfection. I just want to work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. If you are still reading this I hope that you realize that the struggles you have had, are going through or may go through do not define you, they are not your whole life, and they will get better. You do not have to be the person you do not want to be. Change is possible.

The Truth

I have been feeling at a loss lately. I have put so much hard work into recovery, yet I have also slipped so many times that I am starting to wonder if it is even worth it anymore. I built a system that worked for me, I had my support community and I was going down the road of bettering my life. I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew... (I know quite the expression) I find I spend so much time worrying about everyone around me that I often forget to worry about myself. I will be so focused on the fact I want to be a good mother and make good meals, but then I don't sit down and eat them. I just prepare them for my daughter. I have found that I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I am having a hard time enjoying a relaxing bath. It honestly has been taking every bit of energy I have to even be able to shower. I went through a really rough patch recently where I wouldn't shower for 3-4 days because I didn't feel like I deserved it. I started trying to make myself shower every morning and get into a routine. It helped for a good five days and now I am really struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I am waking up frustrated and angry. It takes EVERYTHING inside of me to clean my house. I have lost all motivation to cook what so ever. I don't feel like I deserve to do my nails because when I spend money on that my mind is telling me that it is taking away from food. I bought myself new shoes last week, and had to convince my own self that it was okay because I really did need them. I've come to loose some weight recently and now I've had to buy pants from the kids section. That was an extremely hard pill to swallow. I stopped posting progress photos and keeping track of my meals. I have honestly let go of myself. I am scared and I feel hopeless. This isn't what I want. I have sat down and made plans for a day, which included food and self care and then the next day comes to follow it and I'm fighting my mind once again. I've lost interest in some of my favorite shows and movies. I am finding that I am irritated more than I am not. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win... and that quite frankly is the scariest thought. IM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED.

Reasons to recover

I have lost sight of why I was sharing my story. I felt ashamed for not being perfect in recovery and for slipping up. I took on to much and overwhelmed myself, Ana was there waiting and jumped in at every chance she got. I started worrying more about other people than my own self. I wanted to just be recovered already and in that time I have let my self slip. I stopped blogging, I stopped doing nails and make up. I would sit in my house all day everyday and only leave if I really needed to. I have dropped in weight, my moods aren't good lately and I'm just feeling quite defeated, I thought maybe blogging again and sharing my journey again would help me refocus on myself and getting healthy. I have many reasons to recover and today I need to make a list of them. I get so caught up in where I am I forget all the amazing reasons I have to recover.. 

These aren't going to be listed in any specific order other than they are great reasons to recover.

1. To be present and available for my children's lives

2. To watch my children grow up, become adults. 

3. To continue the growing relationships with my family members

4. To educate on Anorexia

5. To live pain free 

6. For energy

7. For happiness 

8. To have a career and be my own boss

9. To own a home

10. For marriage 

11. For my family

12. For myself

13. For my body

14. To be the kick ass Aunty I know I am

15. To keep the friendships I have

16. Fooooooooooood is amaaaazing 

17. For my dreams 

18. For my brothers and sister 

19. My parents don't deserve to bury their child 

20. For my step children 

21. For sunshine 

22. Wine!

23. I am worth life 

24. I deserve recovery 

25. I did not choose anorexia, anorexia chose me

26. For summer adventures

27. To be adventurous 

28. My kitty cat

29. Happiness 

30. For clothes that fit 

Ignorance Surrounding Mental Illness

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of people to who seem to be ignorant to mental illness. Now, I know not everyone can fully understand mental illness, as it is all very complex and everyone suffers differently. There is many different forms of mental illness. Personally I have Anorexia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Bi Polar. Others may only suffer from one mental illness. I suffer from 6, one of which is consider mental and medical. That would be anorexia. I am going to give you some insight into the mental illnesses I deal with. Here is some information I have received...

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD:
              -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Extreme Emotional Swings
Unclear or Unstable Self Image
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
Fear of Abandonment
Self Destructive Behaviours
Feeling Suspicious or Out of Touch With Reality

Anxiety:
         -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Problems Sleeping
Cold/Sweaty Hands or Feet (Entire body for me)
An Inability to be Still and Calm
Tingling in the Hands and Feet
Feelings of Panic, Fear and Uneasiness
Muscle Tension
Nausea

Depression:
       -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Feelings of Helplessness and Hopelessness
Loss of Interest in Daily Activities
Sleep Changes
Loss of Energy
Anger or Irritability
Unexplained Aches and Pains
Concentration Problems

Bipolar:
     -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Dramatic and Unpredictable Mood Swings
Euphoria or Irritability
Excessive Talking
Impulsiveness

These are some of the things I deal with on a daily basis. From the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep at night. Some days are better than others in the sense that I am not overwhelming controlled by these feelings.
It has been a battle the past couple of months. I usually struggle more during the winter months. I think the cold weather and crappy rain really doesn't help either. I have found myself blaming other people for not understanding that I have mental health issues, which is completely unfair to them. I feel like everyday I wake up feeling like someone different. One day I feel like a confident, strong woman who can take on anything and other days I feel completely helpless like I am not good for anything and laying in my bed watching Netflix is how I will live the rest of my life. That is certainly not what I want. I want to strive. First I need to focus on my health and my emotions because I cannot strive until I am healthy and doing good.