One day she blossomed

Lately I have been trying to get myself out there meeting new parents and friends. I want to not be anti social, I want to blossom and adventure through life. I don't want to waste away my days anymore. My little miss and I have been having a busy summer so far. Lots of play dates and meeting new people. One thing that I've really noticed about when I meet new people and we are exchanging things about ourselves, is that they often say "you seem to really have your life together". This comment used to make me want to laugh, the past little while I've found myself not denying it, trying to make people not believe it and just allowing myself to accept this compliment. Looking at my life right here right now, it is pretty together. By no means is it perfect, far from it actually. It is also far far from where I was. I can proudly say with confidence that I am a strong independent single working momma! I am beautiful, I am worth life, I am worth self love.
Two years ago the life I wake up to every single day now, is the life I dreamed of having. It's the life that I felt was completely unattainable, was I ever wrong! I have made some crazy choices over the years which at the time I felt were big mistakes, and now I see them as a blessing, an education and that is what brought me right to where I am right now.
I am confident in who I am as a person. I know I still have a very long recovery journey. I know that I am far from perfect and honestly I don't ever want to be perfect. I just want to be me. I want to continue finding things that make me feel alive and doing them. I am no longer living to please anyone else. I am in a position in my life where if you want to bring bullshit into my life, I will show you the door. If you cannot accept me for exactly who I am right now, growing and flourishing everyday then I will show you the door.


This is for all those people feeling like they are never going to get better, that their lives are stuck and broken. To all the people who feel like giving up or throwing in the towel. This is for every single person struggling in any way, shape or form. Keep fighting you beautiful bad ass, you're life is only bringing you exactly where you are meant to be. Everything negative happening now is preparing you for gratitude, self love and happiness. Let my life be inspiration that you can go from wanting to kill yourself to loving every single day that you stand on your own two feet. This is for you because I once was you, I fought very hard. I did things I had never done to get results I had never gotten. You are the controller of your life. Kick that asshole that treats you badly out of your life. Change the job that makes you miserable. Don't let yourself be stuck somewhere you do not want to be. You are worth everything, and you deserve it. Do not allow this awful world to tell you you don't deserve it. I am worth it and so are you. Every single one of you!

Progress

The photo from three years ago was taken one month before I moved to Nanaimo, approximately 2ish years after I accepted my eating disorder and starting fighting back. In that photo, I was in much better health. The last three years my body has shrunk, been put through hell and been starved intensely. In the last two or so years I have tried very hard to overcome this eating disorder, that being said I had set very unrealistic expectations of myself, I made irrational and impulsive decisions in which, I somehow thought would benefit me and fix my eating disorder. I have made some not so great choices by up and leaving my family to move across the province. Until today my goal weight was 130-145 pounds, I overwhelmed myself by this number. Today, I changed this goal, to a much more attainable one and less overwhelming one. My new goal is 110 pounds, the same as the photo on the left. Once I am able to get myself to this point then, I can reset my goal and work towards a new one. I have gone away twice in hopes that it would help with my eating disorder and both times I hated being away from my kids. My nurse and I have decided to put St Pauls treatment centre on hold. After the very stressful assessment with them and being away from Bella, it just doesn't feel right. The option is not gone completely, it is just not something I am working to getting into unless things end up going down hill majorly. I feel very good in this decision. My nurse is going to send a referral to a physchriatrist. We both feel that maybe Bi Polar has been over looked. We think that maybe trying out an anti psychotic might be beneficial for me. Her and I had a good conversation about my anger and about how long it's been going on. She asked me the question, when you do remember anger not being a problem for you.. I thought for a moment and shook my head, I said I don't. That's when her and I both knew that maybe it wasn't just depression, BPD and anxiety and maybe Bi Polar was more present than we thought. I am happy that we are going to do this assessment. I am very grateful to have a nurse who will go to bat for me, cares genuinely about me and helps me set goals for myself. I feel good as well as scared about all of this. Ana isn't to happy about it, but the thought of having a moment of silence in my own mind is incredible.

I have learned a lot from my friends, family and supporters the past two years. I have learned that not everything needs to be a big huge deal, just a part of life and move forward. I have learned that medication does not make you a failure or a freak. Only human, it's okay to need some help. I have been dealing with this my entire life and I feel ready to try something I have never tried before. I have learned that my experiences are not failures, merely an education. My life has not been rainbows and butterflies, it used to make me very upset, overwhelmed and like everything was going to come crashing down on me. Some days I still feel that way, more days than not I feel like I can get through this, it may be hard. It will also be worth it.
Sometimes, my past photos can make me very sad because I just wish it was as easy as going back, but today. Today I feel empowered by this photo from my past. I feel good knowing that my body can be that size, and healthy. It took three years to destroy my body to where it is today. I need to be patient and give myself some time to get myself back to where I used to be, health wise.

In the midst of hate

"In the midst of hate, I found there was within me an invincible love." This quote has been running through my mind for a while now. I spent so long being angry, upset and feeling like the entire world was against me. I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed to go right for me. I have learned a lot the last two or so years in recovery, about myself, about how to cope, about how changing your mind set can change your entire life. I learned that being angry about everything gets you no where, but angry and in the same place you started. Even though I am still learning new coping skills, I have gained many coping skills. It still isn't always easy to use them, but it is getting easier. Changing your mind set doesn't just happen over night. Some days will be a lot easier than others. You have to want it, you have to wake up and choose it even when you don't want to choose it. That can be the hardest part. For example, showering everyday and staying on a routine is really hard for me. Its also very important for me, my household and my life. Even though some days, I would prefer to just lay in bed and not to anything at all. I need to get up, get dressed and try anyways. Doing this has really helped how I have been feeling. Being able to have a part time job has also helped me a lot, it gives me the chance to need to get presentable and dressed nicely and work with people. I also have nurse appointments every Friday, that has helped me keep track of my eating disorder and check in with myself when Ana gets very loud. Having my partner come with me helps our household a lot because then I cannot hide things about my eating disorder. I have to out my eating disorder and if I happen to not my partner is able to do that for me. I am grateful I have the support that I do have. I am not sure where I would be without them.
Reconnecting with myself has been very important in the last couple of years. I spent a very long time lying to myself. I shouldn't say I have been lying to myself, more my eating disorder has been lying to me. Changing, twisting and controlling what I see in the mirror, what I deserve, what I eat, how I do things, or excuse things. Even when I didn't want to I would tell myself I deserved food, I deserved life and I deserved to move forward with my life. Doing this has helped me feel a lot better about myself. I still have many moments during everyday where I don't feel very good about myself, or I wish that I didn't have this eating disorder. That I didn't have to battle every single with my own mind. Its tiring, overwhelming and can often make me feel like I just am too much to handle. Those days are allowed to happen, I am only human after all. I just cannot let those days overcome me. I cannot unpack and live in those days. I need to accept them and then move forward with a new day.
It's funny how as each day passes it doesn't seem that anything is different, yet when we look back over a period of time, it seems so much has changed.
I am a very strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." I believe life has this way of putting us through really tough situations so that we can be truly grateful for the good that comes our way. In my life I often times felt alone, unloved and like everyone would be better off without me. Since accepting my eating disorder, and starting recovery I have learned that I am very loved, I am supported and I am never alone. I hated the lifestyle I had made for myself. I was genuinely not happy, overwhelmed and completely worthless. In this midst of all of that I found I did not have to be what the world told me I needed to be. I could be who I wanted to be in my heart. I had many moments where I realized that I had pushed away people and things I loved because I felt I did not deserve them. Once I opened my mind to the thought that, maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe I myself needed to look into the mirror and start making some changes. Change who I surrounded myself with, change my living situation and many other things about myself. For a long time I wanted to kill myself, recently I heard a quote about if you want to kill yourself you don't have to stop living and it really spoke to me. If you don't like yourself you can kill the parts you don't like. For example, everyone used to call me Jenn, when I moved to a new town I felt I needed a new start, I did not want to pretend I was somebody I was not. So when I introduced myself I would do it as Jennifer and not as Jenn. It was something so small and so simple, but it honestly help me a lot. I have made many steps in the last couple of years to better my life. It feels really good to not be living in the word of hate anymore. I am grateful for the experiences I have gone through, because they made me the person I am today.

My past does not define me

I recently made a video for an event which involved working with youth and researching and learning about mental illness. I made two videos. One was about eating disorders and one was about self harm. As I did research I learned there are many forms of self harm. Many forms I personally have done and dealt with. One that really stood out to me was trouble with the law, in my past I dealt with trouble with the law, often actually.  I never realized how so many of my actions were self harm. It was me hurting myself, punishing myself for not living up to the expectations I had set out for myself. This first time I got into trouble with the law I was 16 years old, I was . I was arrested early one morning before school. After the incident I had to report to a probation officer, while I waited for the court date to arrive. I remember so clearly the panic I felt realizing what I had done. It was while I was getting my finger prints done, the man looked at me and he said, "young lady what are you doing here, you don't look like you should be here at all". My stomach sank and I felt sick, scared and like I may have just ruined my entire life. He was right, I didn't belong there. What I did warranted me to be arrested and I was in fact guilty of the charges that were laid against me. That is not the reason I say I don't belong there. I say it because I know in my heart it is wrong to put your hands on someone else in anger, or any other form unwanted. I reported to my probation every time, I did the counselling and the assessments that were listed in my probation rules. Just shortly before I was about to finish my length of probation, there was another incident. This time, it was not involving my family. This time I was charged with twice, and another length of probation was added. At the time of this incident I was 17 years old. This made it so I was unable to see both my children unattended. I was removed from school and the school district as well. I could feel my life crumbling beneath my feet. Looking back now I can see that all of these actions were self harm, at that point in my life I truly did not care if this all impacted my future, because I honestly couldn't see a future for myself. I did not feel after all that I had done I deserved one. I did not feel worth the ground I walked on, I did not feel deserving of the food I did allow myself to eat, I did not like the person who looked back at me when I looked into the mirror. I hated everything that I was and everything that I was becoming. I hated how I treated people and I told myself that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change. I realize now that was my self harm brain talking.
 At the age of 18 or 19 I was arrested again. This time I was given more probation, a curfew and a no drinking order. I knew that after this incident, I needed to do something I had never done to get results in my life I had never gotten. My mom, step dad, brother and daughter had moved to Nanaimo. Since I could not finish my schooling in the town I was living in I decided to start looking at places for just myself in Nanaimo, to be closer to my daughter. I spoke with my probation officer about why I felt moving to Nanaimo was going to benefit my life. I wanted to work hard to be there for my daughter again and be the parents I knew I could be. In July 2013 I moved into a bachelor apartment downtown Nanaimo. I started going over to my moms house every day and spending time with my daughter more and more, then went back to high school.  Having a curfew really sucked for me at this time, as I lived across town and with school I could only see my daughter for short periods. After a while I asked my probation officer if I could have the curfew address put to mine and my moms as well, so that I could either be home or at my moms with my daughter when I needed to be in for curfew. As I was doing really well, and I had not had any breaches, they granted me that. I worked my butt off in school and graduated with honors. My curfew was up, and I still had a little bit of time left to go on my probation. I decided to go spend a weekend in the town I had moved from to visit some friends. I was still not supposed to drink alcohol. I choose to go out to the bar that night and play a game of pool. That is all it was supposed to be. Then pool turned into drinking and dancing. I ended up getting separated from my friends and getting jumped on my way back to the bar. Which in turn lead someone to call the police and I got arrested for breach of probation because I was not to be drinking or in an establishment where the main intent is to sell liquor. The next morning, I walked across town and waited until a friend was able to pick me up, help me get my stuff and bring me back to Nanaimo. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I had been doing so well, I was almost done and I just wanted it to be over with. As I waited for the court date my lawyer told me they wanted to try and get me in for at least 60 days, I was petrified. He was able to defend that this was my only breach of probation and that they felt I needed to move on with my life and try to get past being in trouble with the law. The end result I was to pay a fine. Since that probation has ended, and the fine has been paid. I have not been arrested or charged with anything else. As I sit here and write this, I have a part time job, I have my daughter living with me full time. I live with my partner who I am able to work with through conflict. I have gotten my learners driving license and life is moving forward. I've been feeling really down and out lately and having a hard time being grateful. I realized that maybe I needed to rehash some of my past to realize that life has gotten better, hard work does pay off, and I can in fact change for the better. I have learned about self care, which is not something I used to find very important. Routine and being able to voice myself without anger is also important. Sometimes for me this means writing it down on paper, or waiting until I do not feel so much anger before speaking to someone. I am still learning, I am no where near perfect. In fact I never will be, and that is okay because I do not want perfection. I just want to work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. If you are still reading this I hope that you realize that the struggles you have had, are going through or may go through do not define you, they are not your whole life, and they will get better. You do not have to be the person you do not want to be. Change is possible.

The Truth

I have been feeling at a loss lately. I have put so much hard work into recovery, yet I have also slipped so many times that I am starting to wonder if it is even worth it anymore. I built a system that worked for me, I had my support community and I was going down the road of bettering my life. I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew... (I know quite the expression) I find I spend so much time worrying about everyone around me that I often forget to worry about myself. I will be so focused on the fact I want to be a good mother and make good meals, but then I don't sit down and eat them. I just prepare them for my daughter. I have found that I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I am having a hard time enjoying a relaxing bath. It honestly has been taking every bit of energy I have to even be able to shower. I went through a really rough patch recently where I wouldn't shower for 3-4 days because I didn't feel like I deserved it. I started trying to make myself shower every morning and get into a routine. It helped for a good five days and now I am really struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I am waking up frustrated and angry. It takes EVERYTHING inside of me to clean my house. I have lost all motivation to cook what so ever. I don't feel like I deserve to do my nails because when I spend money on that my mind is telling me that it is taking away from food. I bought myself new shoes last week, and had to convince my own self that it was okay because I really did need them. I've come to loose some weight recently and now I've had to buy pants from the kids section. That was an extremely hard pill to swallow. I stopped posting progress photos and keeping track of my meals. I have honestly let go of myself. I am scared and I feel hopeless. This isn't what I want. I have sat down and made plans for a day, which included food and self care and then the next day comes to follow it and I'm fighting my mind once again. I've lost interest in some of my favorite shows and movies. I am finding that I am irritated more than I am not. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win... and that quite frankly is the scariest thought. IM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED.

Reasons to recover

I have lost sight of why I was sharing my story. I felt ashamed for not being perfect in recovery and for slipping up. I took on to much and overwhelmed myself, Ana was there waiting and jumped in at every chance she got. I started worrying more about other people than my own self. I wanted to just be recovered already and in that time I have let my self slip. I stopped blogging, I stopped doing nails and make up. I would sit in my house all day everyday and only leave if I really needed to. I have dropped in weight, my moods aren't good lately and I'm just feeling quite defeated, I thought maybe blogging again and sharing my journey again would help me refocus on myself and getting healthy. I have many reasons to recover and today I need to make a list of them. I get so caught up in where I am I forget all the amazing reasons I have to recover.. 

These aren't going to be listed in any specific order other than they are great reasons to recover.

1. To be present and available for my children's lives

2. To watch my children grow up, become adults. 

3. To continue the growing relationships with my family members

4. To educate on Anorexia

5. To live pain free 

6. For energy

7. For happiness 

8. To have a career and be my own boss

9. To own a home

10. For marriage 

11. For my family

12. For myself

13. For my body

14. To be the kick ass Aunty I know I am

15. To keep the friendships I have

16. Fooooooooooood is amaaaazing 

17. For my dreams 

18. For my brothers and sister 

19. My parents don't deserve to bury their child 

20. For my step children 

21. For sunshine 

22. Wine!

23. I am worth life 

24. I deserve recovery 

25. I did not choose anorexia, anorexia chose me

26. For summer adventures

27. To be adventurous 

28. My kitty cat

29. Happiness 

30. For clothes that fit 

Ignorance Surrounding Mental Illness

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of people to who seem to be ignorant to mental illness. Now, I know not everyone can fully understand mental illness, as it is all very complex and everyone suffers differently. There is many different forms of mental illness. Personally I have Anorexia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Bi Polar. Others may only suffer from one mental illness. I suffer from 6, one of which is consider mental and medical. That would be anorexia. I am going to give you some insight into the mental illnesses I deal with. Here is some information I have received...

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD:
              -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Extreme Emotional Swings
Unclear or Unstable Self Image
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
Fear of Abandonment
Self Destructive Behaviours
Feeling Suspicious or Out of Touch With Reality

Anxiety:
         -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Problems Sleeping
Cold/Sweaty Hands or Feet (Entire body for me)
An Inability to be Still and Calm
Tingling in the Hands and Feet
Feelings of Panic, Fear and Uneasiness
Muscle Tension
Nausea

Depression:
       -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Feelings of Helplessness and Hopelessness
Loss of Interest in Daily Activities
Sleep Changes
Loss of Energy
Anger or Irritability
Unexplained Aches and Pains
Concentration Problems

Bipolar:
     -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Dramatic and Unpredictable Mood Swings
Euphoria or Irritability
Excessive Talking
Impulsiveness

These are some of the things I deal with on a daily basis. From the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep at night. Some days are better than others in the sense that I am not overwhelming controlled by these feelings.
It has been a battle the past couple of months. I usually struggle more during the winter months. I think the cold weather and crappy rain really doesn't help either. I have found myself blaming other people for not understanding that I have mental health issues, which is completely unfair to them. I feel like everyday I wake up feeling like someone different. One day I feel like a confident, strong woman who can take on anything and other days I feel completely helpless like I am not good for anything and laying in my bed watching Netflix is how I will live the rest of my life. That is certainly not what I want. I want to strive. First I need to focus on my health and my emotions because I cannot strive until I am healthy and doing good.

Nine months ago...

This journey I've been on sure hasn't been easy. This journey has been painful, emotional, heartbreaking, educational, inspiring, encouraging, eye opening and insightful. I have become someone with a completely different lifestyle than just only nine months ago. Nine months ago, I actually didn't believe I would survive, I did not believe that I could handle what life was throwing my way.

Nine months ago, every time I looked into the mirror I broke a little more inside, a little more self hatred would bury itself inside of me. I would try to eat and break down, I would want to leave the house and break down. I spent to many days in bed not doing any form of self care. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel good enough to live or breathe the air that surrounds me. I wanted more than anything to run away, to end my life. I did run away, I ran away to Prince George. Where I learned that running away from my life wasn't going to help me. It was only going to dig me deeper into the hole of anorexia and mental illness. I came back to my life on the Island, after posting a video reaching out for help with treatment cost. I felt like this was my last hope, my last go, the last time I was going to try to save myself. Life must have known, because I got enough money to go to the treatment center in Manitoba. Going to this treatment center changed my life, my outlook, my opinion and so much more. It changed my relationships, how I treat those around me. It taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know.

Today I sit in my own house that I share with an amazing man. I have my daughter half the time. Ive enrolled her into dance classes. My blood work has checked out healthy. I have energy again, I have motivation and drive. I know I deserve life and to breathe the air around me. I get to see my son more regularly. I have removed negative and toxic people from my life. I have reconnected with family and started to grow as a person. I have worked hard, pushed through, kept going, got knocked down, got back up, thrown into the dirt, pushed around by the government. I have struggled, I have cried, laughed, smiled, been terrified. And I am still standing. After everything I have been through one might think I'd want to go back and change some of it. Absolutely not, all of the crap, bullshit, hard times, struggles, accomplishments, good moments and everything else i have gone through has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am today. I am proud of who I am today. I feel good about what I have done the last nine months. I feel proud when I hear people from elementary school say " I hear you have been doing amazing " when you run into them in the mall. It feels damn good. So if you are struggling right now, if you feel like there is no way things can get better. Please keep going, I am living breathing proof, that good things do not come to those who wait but to those who get up, buckled up and work your butt off to get what you want and deserve.
DO NOT GIVE UP, IT WILL GET BETTER. The only person who can change your life is you. Take the first step. no matter how small it may be.

Some days I want to give up

Some days I seriously hate recovery. I hate that I have to think about every meal. Some days I want to smash my head against a wall in hopes it'll all just fuck off. It's mentally exhausting trying to make sure I don't eat to little or to much. I want to be able to wake up and feel normal for one day of my life. Is that even possible? Does anyone even feel normal? What the hell is normal? Some days I just want to give up on recovery, just let my life go down this tunnel of darkness, and then I look at my daughter, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my pets and I remember that I'm doing this for me. So I can be strong to be apart of my family, to be strong so I can be there for events with my friends, to be strong to be the mother I so desperately know I can be for my kids. Some days I want to recover more than anything because of everything I have been blessed with, then other days it comes completely crashing down and I just want to break. But I won't. I am a Doucette. I am strong. I was brought into this world for a reason, not to die from an eating disorder. I can feel the achy in my bones coming back because my intake has been so low. I'm thinking I need to start writing out what I am going to eat and the times and start setting my alarms again. I thought I was doing well enough that I didn't need my alarms anymore when I was at home, I thought I was strong enough to only use them when I'm away from home. As it stands right now. I am not strong enough, I need to keep continuing with the things that work for me, like setting my alarms and planning meals. I seriously hate it with all my heart, it get my anxiety high. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I'm sick of it. I find myself fighting with my own mind because I'm so torn between the two. I want this more than anything in the world. My daughter and son deserve to have a strong healthy mommy who's a good role model, through in and through out. 

I need to remind myself to continue on this road to recovery. This is worth it. Watching my kids grow up is worth it. Being involved in their growing up is even more worth it. I want to get married one day and my biggest fear is that Ana is going to take my dreams away from me. I fear I'll push those who love me away and that I'll end up alone dying in the hospital. I need to remind myself to allow to let others love me. I need to remind myself that my friends are my friends because they want to be not because I'm making them, I need to remind myself that my boyfriend loves me, for exactly who I am, every day, ever changing, accepting me for every flaw. I need to remind myself that my family wants to help me not because their obligated but because they actually care. I need to remind myself that all my supports are supporting me because they believe in me not because anyone is making them. I need to remind myself to allow the love from others every day. I am worth love. I deserve love. I can learn to love myself just as everyone around me loves me. 

I feel honoured to have the people in my life that I do. I have incredible friends that I cannot express enough how much they help me. Two certain girls have helped me, encouraged me and supported me in every aspect of my life, my recovery and my desicions in life. Carley and Brittany you girls are angels sent from above, I swear to god. I'd be lost without you two. You both help me so much more than you even realize. You are both not afraid to tell me what I need to hear even if it isn't what I want to hear. You are there for me in moments of weakness. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the two best friends any girl could ever ask for. I want to thank my Mom and My Step Dad for stepping up and helping me when I felt like I had no other options. Thank you for putting up with me and supporting me in my recovery. I appreciate you both more than I tell you. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. 

I want to thank my Dad, I know our relationship has been pretty rocky for quite a few years. You've been so supportive since I started recovery and on this journey, you're truly a huge inspiration to me. 

I want to thank my daughter for making me smile everyday, for teaching me lessons in life, for saving me when I was fifteen, for just being you baby girl. You brighten my days and make my fight so so worth it. I also want to thank my counsellor Chelsea. I wouldn't be recovering if it wasn't for you and Brittany. I'm so grateful to have someone who believes in me. 

I want to thank my supporters. You make me feel like I am doing something right every single day! 

I want to thank my pen pals. You've all shown me that I am not alone and that this is happening all around the world. 

And last but certainly not least I want to thank my boyfriend Brady. He came into my life about four months ago and swept me off my feet. He shows me unconditional love through his actions everyday. He supports me and my recovery, encourages me. He will hold me when I'm breaking and lift me up when I'm all cried out. It's only been less than four months we've been together, but it's been the most incredible time with you.

Some days, I want to give up... And then I remember who's watching❤️ 

Thank you ALL for supporting me!

My personal thank you and a reminder you are the one waking up in your skin

As the months creep on I continue to try and stay on track with my intake. I still have a lot of days where Ana wins, she takes over and becomes loud, annoying and just plain ridiculous. I had been doing really well in March with my six mini meals a day and working on getting more water and milk into my body. When disability called me and told me that my account was flagged it caused a lot of stress, chaos and Ana to become extremely loud, obnoxious and just take over all the progress I had been making. Even my own mother said on the days I talked to them you could tell I was loosing weight again. I could feel it in my jaw again intensely, the pain and discomfort came back. I found myself clenching my jaw through out the day much more frequently then when I am doing good with my intake. It caused me to become so entirely stressed out I just wanted to give up, I felt cheated, like everything I had done, all the hard work I had put in meant nothing. It was all going to be ripped away from me. Just like that. I found this unjust. I found it to be a violation of my rights as a person with disabilities. I found for my rights because I deserve it. I did not reach out to the public to pay the government all the money I received. I reached out to the public to get the help I need to overcome this mental illness. Wait... Isn't that the reason someone goes on disability? To get help to overcome mental illness? Not to make their mental illness worse and to throw them through a million loops. During my expirence with disability, I was very firm in getting what I deserve. Eventually I won. I get to keep the donations I received as a one time gift. This whole ordeal made me realize that I can't be the only one who had gone through this with disability. How many other people don't know about their rights? How many people don't know that disability is legislative government and not federal government. How many people knew we don't have to lay down like dogs and take the unlawful stuff they throw at us. We have rights, we are humans just as those sitting across the desk in those offices. This expirence has made me realize that with all my heart I want to be an advocate for women, men, young children, everyone going through something similar to my situation. This fuels my drive to continue moving forward in my recovery, this makes me feel empowered and secure that I can make a difference not only for myself but for the hundreds of people who are going through this too. Every story is different, every person has a different case and a different life. I want to be able to make changes for the future generation, for our kids and our grandkids. I want to take eating disorders out of the shadows but not only take them out of the shadows I want to make a difference in the resources for when you do need help, I want to change the way disability views eating disorders and the seriousness that comes along with them. 

I made a video reaching out for help, it was one of the hardest most embarrassing things I have ever done. I recorded it in my bathroom where I lived in Prince George. After it was recorded I sat there for three hours crying and watching it, wondering if I should even post it. Wondering about the judgement I would get because of what it said. I was worried people would look down on me for my mistakes and for the choices I've made that have helped in ending me up where I am today. Then I remembered, I'm sitting here dying, crying and insecure already. I'm the one waking up in my skin everyday, not anyone else. So I clicked post, not for anyone else in the entire world but myself. And then, my entire world changed. With the click of a button, it was out there, for the ENTIRE world to see. My face, bawling and pleading for help. Soon enough there was comments from close friends and family, they are proud of me. I never in a million years ever thought someone could be proud of negotiations publicly admitting I have anorexia and I need help. Shortly after the comments it became to be shared publicly all over the Internet. People sharing, liking and commenting which lead to people donationing to my gofundme page. Which meant I was reaching my goal to go to treatment. I had hundreds of girls, boys, men, women and even children reach out to me with their own personal stories. I couldn't believe the support and encouragement I was getting. I was giving people inspiration to fight for themselves, I was giving people the gift of seeing someone else struggling too, I was able to not only encourage, empower and motivate myself I was also able to give that to thousands of others all around the world. Someone once said to me when this all started that I was focusing to much on the Internet and social media side of things, this sticks with me. I didn't start sharing my story for ANYONE but myself, to try and use a new way to get my thoughts and feelings out. When I started doing this and helping thousands of others I realized that my life and my journey can be an education for so many others out there. My struggle, my anorexia and my story can be the reason someone reaches out for help themselves, it could be the reason someone choose to save someone close to them, it could be the reason resources in Canada change for the better. My reaching out caused a lot of noise on social media. I am glad. I shared my story for me and every day I continue to share my story it's for every single one of you who made me realize I deserve life, I deserve the help and to not be embarrassed by my struggles. 

This is my personal thank you to each and every single one of you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Wether you shared, donated, reached out, just read my story, just follow me on fb, if you encourage me from the sidelines whatever it may be. Thank you. Sincerely and heart filled thank you. I wouldn't be getting ready to go to treatment if it wasn't for you, and you and you. 

To those hurting, struggling or feeling alone. Remember I sat in my bathroom for three hours debating posting this video... Imagine if I hadn't posted it... I wouldn't be going to treatment, I wouldn't have helped myself and all those other people... Don't hold back because of someone else's judgement. You are the one waking up in your skin everyday! 

Looking back and updates

Looking back about a year ago, I was in such a different place than I am right now. I have found that on very hard days, when Ana gets super loud, I make silly excuses and things just don't seem to be going my way, when I think I haven't made any progress I think of where I was a year ago and how much has changed. I may not be anywhere near recovered, but I sure am a lot closer than a year ago. The average length of time it takes to recover from an eating disorder is 7-8 years. I am not saying that I am months away close or even years away close to recovered. I just mean I am a lot closer than I was when I started. I'm learning new things about myself and about my eating disorder as each day progresses. Wether it be small triggers, figuring out which voice is Ana and which one is mine. I've learned that when I am feeling frustrated angry or heated I need to step away think about everything and then come back with a clear mind. For right now that is my coping strategy until I am able to gain more tools to be able to work through those emotions that take over me.

I havent been updating as much lately as when I was living in Prince George and had just gotten home from Prince George. There is many reasons for that. I don't live on my own at the moment so it makes it hard to be able to just sit down and focus on an entire blog post. I have had the worst writers block ever, just feeling blank or when I go to write I don't like what I'm writing so I just stop. I live with my mom where my daughter lives so it's always a busy house, which I don't mind because I get to spend this time with my daughter before heading off to treatment. I am great full that my family is so supportive in my recovery and has helped me as much as they can while I am residing here.

I got the update email that I should be hearing about my departure for treatment sometime very soon. I should leave in June. Right now I need to focus on staying on track with food, getting myself back up to six mini meals a day and continuing to maintain my BMI of fifteen, or maybe make that number bigger that would be great too.

Getting everything sorted and ready to go...

First off I want to apologize for how little I have been blogging lately. I am seeming to have extreme writers block every time I try to sit down and write what is going on inside my mind. Today the house is quiet and I feel like I may be able to gather my thoughts and ignore Ana long enough to write an update. 

Secondly, I want to thank each and every person who has helped me get where I am today, to every person who has donated, spoke out to me, encouraged me, shared my story, signed the petition, supported me through the hurdles, and everything else I cannot thank you enough. It may seem very silly to most but I could have never done this without the support I have received from my friends, family and social media. Its encouraging and inspiring knowing that there is people who care about those who are struggling. From the smallest donation to the biggest, from the smallest of messages to the longest, from the invites to the sharing your personal stories with me, I thank you so so much. You all help me each and everyday. 

I have been told before I focus to much on social media. I disagree with this statement, I mean don't get me wrong I find someday's I need to put my cellphone away and focus what's in front of me, but for right now social media is very helpful for me. I have supporters, friends, family and much more. I can open up a screen and let my feelings out without hurting those who live with me or surround me on a daily basis. I believe that my blog, instagram and recovery Facebook are very helpful along my journey to recovery, and in those times when I do become triggered by it, I have realized I need to focus more on the here and now. Its about balancing the things in your life in a healthy manner. 

Thirdly, I want to explain a little bit more of what has been happening with WestWind and with Disability. To give anyone clarity, as this is even complicated for myself. 

There was a large sum donation made by an anonymous person, this donation was made to the eating disorder foundation in my name and asked that it be donated to WestWind in Manitoba. This large donation never went through my bank account and never touched my hands, therefore it solidifies me going to WestWind for 7 weeks. The donations made through the Gofundme account on the other hand turned out a little differently. Someone decided to call Disability and tell them that I was earning income from being on a television show. Which is untrue. I have been on the news, I did not get paid for being on the news, you tube, or posting my video anywhere else for that matter. I posted this video on my person Facebook and you tube account, not expecting to receive any type of income from anyone. I posted this video in hopes to raise donations for me to be able to attend WestWind eating disorder treatment center. After the call to disability was made, there was a flag put onto my account which in turn meant my cheque was going to be held. I received a call from disability stating what had been said and stating that I needed to claim the money as unearned income. I know that if I was to claim these donations as unearned income it would be deducted from my monthly cheques which means I would loose my income for several months, or they would add a debt onto my account that I would pay back in payments of $20 monthly out of my income cheque. This made me frustrated as this money wasn't donated for me to use as my income this money was donated for me to be able to get the help I so desperately need with my eating disorder. I fought for my rights because I knew this wasn't fair to myself and to all those who donated their money. I dealt with many different people at the disability office, including two different managers, I filled a report with the local MLA, I also spoke with citizens advocacy. I wrote a three page letter explaining myself and everything else. After a few weeks of being pushed and pulled through circles and hoops I finally got a call with good news. An application that had been sent off by one of the managers had been accepted. This application was to view all the donations as a one time gift. Which means disability will not be touching any of the donated money. Thank heavens!! I could not have done this without everyone's support. 

I have filed out all the paperwork for admission and done the doctors paperwork for admission, I am currently just faxing off one last paper and then I just wait to hear about an arrival date for WestWind. I am very excited to go and start this part of my journey, I am excited to gain new tools and knowledge to help myself along recovery. I am excited to try yoga for the first time and hopefully make some friends in the center. There is only five girls so that will make it easier on me than having tons and tons of people everywhere. I am grateful I get my own room and that it is very independant. They also encourage you to skype and keep in contact with family on down time like between group therapies and such. There is a lot for me to gain going to WestWind, that doesnt mean I am not terrified. I am completely and utterly nervous to go across three provinces to a town I don't know, Its also kind of thirlling. I get to see new parts of Canada. I get to explore while I travel to Brandon. Im also very lucky to have a friend in Brandon Manitoba, who is going to help me along my way there aswell. It will be so helpful to have a friendly face! 

In the past few weeks I have been struggling majorly, restricting a lot and making excuses to skip my groups. Which could possibly be because things are falling into place and Ana gets really loud when good things start happening to eliminate her. She's raging in my mind lately, like a tornado that just doesnt give up. Ive been trying to force myself to eat at least enough to keep my bmi over 15. I just barely make it over the dietician said, I keep telling myself at least I am there. 15 or more is where I want to be. 

My body aches and shakes have come back, I try to just distract myself or ignore it. Its hard to ignore when my palms are super sweaty and i'm shaking like a bad carnival ride. Those are the moments I try to even just have a few bites of something or a glass of milk in hopes that itll be enough just to stop the shaking. 

Im hoping as things with disability mellow out and as i get my date to arrive in Brandon it might get easier to stay on track. 

Here comes the run around...

Disability has been investigating my account with them since a phone call was made stating I was receiving unearned income from a television show. They have come up with a "solution" or so they say. They've said I can claim the gofundme donations as unearned income. If I was to claim the money they would then put a debt on my disability account of $5220, because I received donations through gofundme for my treatment at the WestWind facility in Manitoba. When they put the debt onto my account an amount of $20 or more a month will be taken off my disability cheque. They are with holding information. I am currently working to get in touch with a citizen advocacy personal aswell as an ombudsman and the MLA aswell. I feel out raged that disability is going to make me pay back all the donations that were given by the public for my mental health.

I have provided my bank statements, all paperwork from WestWind for admission, I have provided a three page letter explaining the situation, every donation that went into my account, notes from mental health and more. 

They are pulling and pushing me through hoops, it's causing stress, anxiety and many more mental health issues. I am trying to better my life, my health and my mental state so that I can get off of disability and work for my own income. The reason I reached out to the public is because I wasn't getting anywhere with the government funding programs and now when I can and have the money to go they are going to turn around and make me pay it all back? 

These were donations from the public for me to go to treatment to recover from my eating disorder, they were not donations for me to live off of as an income. They are not to pay my rent or bills, the donations are completely for treatment, post treatment and getting in preparation for treatment. 

I feel cheated by our government!

And the B*#$& comes back over and over again...

Since I have been back in nanaimo many things have changed for me. First of all I started my counselling with both my regular counsellor and my walk in counsellor who I can see whenever I need to, they refereed me to a group three times a week. I have been going as much as I can, I won't lie and say I've made it every single time. I have not. I have made 11 sessions which makes me incredibly proud of myself. Something I have never done is continued on with my counselling for many many sessions, even after I felt like I was doing good. I have also got back involved with my doctor. I will be getting blood work done soon to see how my health is doing and then starting the paper work with WestWind for my admission. My counsellors are helping me set a plan for after treatment. That way when I get out of treatment and come back to the island I will have everything set into place, I don't want to come back and not have any of the things I had in treatment so I am trying to be smart about everything. Thankfully I have a good team who is taking me very seriously here in nanaimo. Even my doctor seems to have done some research surrounding eating disorders. It makes me really happy to feel confident in the supports I have here for after treatment and until I head off to treatment.
I am currently living back with my mom, who is the sole care provider for my daughter. I love that I get to be with my daughter until I go. Which brings me to why I haven't been blogging as much or posting all of my meals. I have been like a chicken running around with my head cut off! With all the counselling appointments, doctors and group, plus being a mom and trying to give my mother a break as Bella is my child. I have also been trying to see lots of friends before I go, as I have been reconnecting with old friends as well as encountering new ones. I am extremely blessed for the support and encouragement my family has been giving me. My reaching out and sharing my story has helped my family and my friends understand who I am, why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.

As of now I am trying to prepare to leave for treatment, I will get an email letting me know when to submit my paper work and then they will tell me when I leave. I have to get everything ready and start explaining to my daughter why mommy has to leave again. The absolute hardest thing I have to do.. Again. It's not fair. Although I cannot dwell on that. I have been given an opportunity of a life time and I am taking it by the horns, I am not letting this get away, I get seven maybe eight weeks in treatment to learn new skills and get myself on track to a successful recovery, I will not screw this up. The first thing I am doing to prepare for treatment is eating six mini meals a day, I was doing really really well and then I fell back the last week, I am trying to battle my mind again because it's decided to tell me I'm huge... I've never really felt those thoughts about my entire body before, I mean I've had those thoughts surrounding certain areas of my body like my butt and my thighs and hips, but never my torso or feeling like I'm getting a muffin top ( fuck off ana, me a muffin top? You've got to be kidding me, you've got years before that happens) the intense bloating got time forsure, my belly was huge. I am a small girl and I have carried two pregnancies. I felt like I was five months pregnant every night and I'm sure if I took a photo of the bloating and placed it beside my pregnancy ones it would be the same 😭
These thoughts are seriously awful and I just don't even know where they are coming from. Everything is going so well and falling into place exactly how it needs to... Why can't ana just leave it the hell alone?!
I know that's what I'm trying to do by eating all these mini meals, so why does it scare me so much when I start seeing even the slightest of change in my body, it felt really good at first the first few times I was stoked and felt on top of the world like no one could stop me now..
Unfortunately Ana has plans of her own for my mind and body and now I am fighting battling and emotionally dealing with this bitch trying to sabotage it all.

I keep telling myself that I just need to keep trying, every day is a new day and I can try again tomorrow. I got a tattoo on my left inner arm that says "hey little fighter things will get brighter" with the eating disorder symbol along my wrist, I got this as I've been struggling again and I wanted to have something permanent that I can always see that will keep my mind on track and remind me what's important. It also helps me realize things will get better, bad days don't last. Hard times come and go and if you just keep trying things can get better.
Even though it could take years I won't stop fighting for my life, for my children's mothers life, for my parents daughters life, for my friends friends life, I will not stop. I deserve health, I deserve happiness and I deserve this opportunity to get better.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world begin given a gift by so so so many people. The donations from the smallest to the biggest, I can't even begin to express. It makes me burst into tears thinking about how many people rallied behind me to help me get better, to help me get my life back, to help raise awareness and to help me get healthy so I can help other people struggling. I am forever grateful for every single message, donation, any information anything you may have done, from sharing it or liking it so it showed up on others newsfeeds, every single bit if it counts because without it all I would not be where I am today, getting prepared to head off to treatment.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! My heart is filled with love ❤️❤️
I can never thank you all enough! Words don't express my gratitude!

and the ball starts rolling.... back up to healthy

Moving back to Nanaimo has been wonderful. It sure has been busy since I left Prince George. From TV News interviews, Radio Interviews, Newspaper Interviews, becoming a World Empowerment Artist, Starting a journey not only for myself but for thousands of people to look at and learn from, Being back with my daughter at my mothers house, visiting with my son more often, Starting my appointments with the team that I came to trust before I moved away... Its been hectic to say the least. Although its been a busy road this past few weeks I am so incredibly grateful that I decided to do this. It has opened me up to new ways of recovery. Changed my perspective on a lot more than just eating disorders. This journey has helped me start to spread my wings, I may not have them all the way out and I may not be quite ready to fly yet. I am most certainly on the right track. First I had an appointment with my main counselor, she decided to bring in the counselor I speak with at the walk in counselling so that they would be on the same page! That was wonderful I feel as if Mental Health is taking me more seriously since the exposure online and on TV. We made a plan which I am very happy about. I have made an appointment with my Family Doctor. which isnt until the 19th. They got me in as soon as they could. Like I have said many times before, it all takes time. Then I got a referal sent so I can get the same eating disorder psychiatrist that I had before I moved which is good because I felt comfortable with him. I will also be hearing from the dietician next week and will start weekly appointments with her to help me stay on track. Thursday, I started a group therapy I guess you could call it. It is three days a week and two hours long. It still scares me even though I have gone once already, although I think it will be really good for my recovery. Four days ago I vowed to my self that every day I would try really really hard to eat six mini meals. I feel like I have done pretty good so far. The re feeding process as they call it is pretty scary and anxiety ridden. It causes a lot of discomfort and pain. I also have to be extremely careful that  I do not eat to much because that can cause even more medical issues. I didnt really understand what anyone meant by that until I had actually eaten six meals in a day and I got a tight pulling feeling from my lower belly that went up into my chest, I get a stabbing feeling up my spine, through my legs and back into my back again. this is a constant ordeal every single day. My knees and legs tend to lock up most when going up stairs. The other day my left knee decided it just wasn't going to unbend for five minutes... Are you kidding me body? cut me some slack im trying to nourish you! I seriously feel like every time I turn around its time to eat again. My alarm goes off every hour on the hour and I have to eat within half an hour at the max an hour. Cannot go three hours during the day without having a mini meal or a snack. I feel like this is ridiculous to uphold, even though I know its for the best. I feel like I eat more than most and I probably do... which is a good thing. During eating disorder re feeding you will be eating alot more than others because you are trying to get your body back up to healthy. I hate the words "Weight  Restored". So instead Im going to use back up to healthy. For me its sounds a lot less intimidating. 

With all of this self/out patient recovery I have a lot less time to write blog posts ( sad face )

For every day updates or to follow my story more throughly than you can add my recovery facebook account by searching the name Jennifer Doucette on facebook or missjenniferdoucettesjourney on Instagram ! 

I just want to say how much I appreciate all of you who come back and read my blog or are here reading it for the first time Your support means the world to me and youve help me get this much closer to healthy and recovered, mentally and physically! 

YOU ARE A HUGE PART OF MY JOURNEY AND I COULDNT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU

Lets go back seven to eight years....

Alright, lets go back about seven to eight years ago. I want to share with you all who I was, what I did and how I became who I am today.

I was 13 at the time had been in a new town for one full school year. I had a really rough school year to say the least. I was a different kid, I strived for attention doing odd things that not everyone else did. Such as cartwheeling up and down the hallway for an entire lunch break, or putting a pony tail on the top of my head and sparkly stickers all over my face running around saying "i'm a frosted flake". People mocked me and laughed at me, they teased me and told me I was different. About half way through my first school year in my new town there was an incident that caused me to get my mother to remove me from the public school system and start home schooling. One lunch period at school I was being taunted by the "popular" grade nine girls (you know who you are) I was in grade seven at the time. I was getting frustrated and I was starting to try and get away, I was blocked to the lockers. My back against them and a crowd of grade nines standing over me. Yelling at me, calling me down and then that's when it happened... There was one girl standing right in front of me giving me her hatred full force, and she dumped an entire can of Dr. Pepper on my head. I was absolutely devestated, I pushed through the group and I ran into the bathroom nearest to me, locked myself in the stall and cried for the rest of the lunch period. They followed me into the bathroom, banging on the stall doors, yelling at me to come out and face them. I was terrified and humiliated. I believe it was about a week later when my mom enrolled me into homeschooling and I stopped going to that school. I finished my school year at home with my step dad helping a lot getting me to finish my school work and stop telling myself I was unintelligent. My entire school life up until this home schooling started was French Immersion, I could barely write English properly and I even still have some troubles to this day. So coming into homeschooling I felt very stupid and like I didn't know anything. Turns out I'm wicked in English and I rock Math. ( i just started crying, I've never ever been able to tell my self that I'm good at English or i rock at math....DAMN THAT FELT GOOD) During this school year I had started smoking cigarettes... I know to young to be smoking. It helped me alot get through the bullying and the emotions I was dealing with because of it. I hid it from my parents as best as I could. During that summer I decided to try marijuana. I didn't smoke it every day or all the time. I had tried it once that summer and maybe two other times as well. I didn't want to try it and felt very pressured by other people to, that's why that summer I tried it for the first time, The next school year I started at a new school again in the public system, A different one, where I was enrolled into the English classes not French Immersion. I was nervous to be the new kid again but very happy that I was trying out a public school again. My emotions were surely very mixed. I started my eighth grade year not knowing a soul. It was tough to say the least. Then I met this blonde girl who used to sit alone by the front doors. I think we started talking because she too smoked cigarettes. In the mornings before class we would go down to the little path way and have our morning smoke. I was so grateful to have met someone that I got along so well with. Her and I started to hang out outside of school and during the weekends she would stay at my place.  We drank quite a bit on the weekends and attended parties together, We spent most of our time together hanging out with our other close friends. During that school year a lot had happened. I made some childish choices like drinking before class on day or skipping school with her to not even really do anything. We got suspended for smoking on lunch break, which lead to rumors that her and I were drug addicts. I wasnt the most liked girl, that is definitely certain. Around exam time at the end of the year I was in gym glass and I remember this boy calling me white trash, now I was a violent girl back then I got into fights a lot I would hit people if I did not like what they were saying to me, I spent me entire childhood in anger mode, because of the bullying during elementary school, which continued on into middle school and even into high school. So I punched this kid who called me white trash and after gym class I walked out to my mother standing there telling me the school was asking me to leave and not come back to my classes. I was allowed to come back and do my exams in the help center and then leave again. Just so I wouldnt have to redo grade eight. I was grateful the school let me do my exams so I didnt have to do a new year of the same grade. During this school year at age 14 I lost my virginity. When summer came, I continued to drink and party, started smoking marijuana everyday and started sneaking out, staying out with friends partying. I started heading down a terrible path, I watched my friends do drugs and I got tired of them not listening to my begs and pleas about not doing the drugs anymore. They all told me not to do them but did them themselves. So one day to make my point and because my curiosity completely got the best of me. I said I want to try the estacy. So I tried it, and then a few times after that as well. I did not like it. I hated the way I smelled the way it made me look, I looked at pictures of me on the drug and I was completely disgusted. It made me feel disgusting the next day and just entirely was not worth it. I hate drugs. After my experience trying estacy, Ive only smoked weed. Never done coke, heroin, crystal meth nothing of the sorts. I hated watching what drugs did to some of my closest friends, It destroyed their lives and made them do things they never would have in a million years done sober. That is why I have chosen to not even experiment with anything else. I was 14, naive and seriously stupid. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am that I did not become addicted to the drug that I did so stupidly try. I am forever gratfeul that drugs didnt take over my life and that I know within myself that even through out all the hard times and the shitty situations in the past few years of my life, I have stayed away from chemical drugs. Yes, throughout this I have smoked marijuana. I know and respect that everyone has a different view point on marijuana. I know that some people view it as a drug and other people do not. I am one of those other people. I have used marijuana in a medical way and in a way you would use say alcohol. I have smoked it for pain, to get the munchies to make eating easier and I have also used it to calm myself down. I don't wish to always use marijuana, This week I am starting groups to start learning other coping skills so that I'm not resorting to marijuana anymore. This is so hard for me to write because of the judgement I may get from people, but this is my life and im showing you the facts. I want to be open and honest about my journey so other people in the same place or similar places or have friends or family or colleagues going through it they can use my journey as a tool. If Im not straight up about who I am or what I've done. How will they know before it gets this far? How can they learn some of the warning signs to help themselves? They cant. That's the answer. If I am not honest and myself, what is the point ?  I started school at a new school again for grade nine, At a school where I knew few people because the community is not the biggest. my year was rocky. I dont blame anyone but myself. I was running away from home it was during the period I was experimenting with drugs... I didnt try them anymore and just drank instead. I remember I met this guy at a party and we just kind of clicked you know we chatted and what not and then later that night he kissed me. Well we talked and hung out quite a bit and drank together. Then we started dating we had intercourse one singular time when I was 15. We broke up a week later because I was actually interested in a girl. Her and I started dating, about two and a half months into our relationship I started to throw uo in the mornings and I didnt want to drink anymore,. My body was changing... So I went to the doctors about two weeks of this going on, Only to find out little 15 year old me is PREGNANT! Me ? Pregnant? You've got to be kidding me. I took a week exploring my options and talking with my parents. I was keeping my baby. I could not bring myself three months in to end it. So I started doctors appointments, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes. I changed my entire life around I stopped hanging out with the "friends" I had because they just wanted to drink anyways. I was so happy. I felt like this little baby inside me saved my life. A gift from god. Even my mom and step dad said that. It might sound strange to you, let me explain. Yes I was only 15. I was also drinking my face off every weekend, sneaking out and starting to disobey my mom, which is something I really didn't do before. So when i found out about this little baby I started treating myself better and changing my life around for this beautiful child inside me, I stopped the partying and the bad scene. When my beautiful daughter was born, I was in awe. I went right back to school about two weeks after she was born. Then when she was around six months I starting working on top of school. My mother helped me with watching my daughter while I went to work and school. Later on I got enrolled into the Mothers Program at the highschool. the summer before I started at the Mothers Program I met someone. We clicked and started dating we dated for probably about a year or just over. When we broke up, a lot happened in my life. I unfortunately got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. This ripped our family apart. I went to live with my dad, we made a plan i was to live with him for an entire year and then see how things were. I didn't listen and I packed up and moved back to my mothers house. Even with all the tension from the arrest and the entire ordeal. Im ashamed and embarrassed by what I did that day. I own what I did that day.. Unfortunately it happened., today is the present and that was the past. During my short stay at my dads I started dating that guy again.. Well when I came back to my moms I found out I was PREGNANT again.... only this time I was 17 and at time my daughter was between 15-18 months old/ Holy crap. My life came crashing down as when i moved back him and I broke up... I cant share the next part with you yet,, It hurts to much, Ive blocked it out safe in my mind and I am not opening that up today. Another day maybe or maybe not. Anyways the beginning of my pregnancy was torture and hell. The pregnancy part was fine, baby was good at first and then everything went down hill. This is when my eating disorder really started.. After the trauma I went through,,, (the part I cant talk about right now) I didnt have control over my own life, I couldnt control anything I felt besides my intake. Without even realizing it I was starving my self and the baby inside of me was being affected. I was in and out of hospitals with IVs because of dehydration. On bed rest for four months, had to stop going to school because of it and then my son came 2-3 weeks early, healthy as could be. I was so so grateful he was so healthy. I feel awful that I didnt take care of myself during my pregnancy and that I didnt do more for my son. I will forever live with that... during the pregnancy it caused a lot more strain on my relationship with my mom and step dad. Three weeks after my son was born. My mom the ministry and I had to come up with a plan because it wasn't working with me living in the home at the time. So i moved into a hostel that my mother paid for until I was able to get an apartment and get onto independent living. during those few months in the hostel, I really fucked things up for myself. I got arrested again for assaulted a good friend of mine and someone else as well. I didnt care about anything. I wanted to die. I did not give a fuck. Finally i got my place and was feeling a little better for a little while.. Finally i moved in with my boyfriend at the time and we lived together for about two years..ALOT happened in those years. I drank alot, i partied I lost my rights to unsupervised visits with my kids, I fucked a lot of things up. I guess because I had my children so young the teenager that was dying to come out finally was. And i looked like a compete idiot because I was partying my life away while other people raised my children. Im grateful for my parents and my sons grandparents for letting me get that out of my system,. I no longer want to get drunk, or stay out all night partying or taking people home from the bar. I got to see what it was like and I don;t want that for my life. I want to be the mother for my kids, I want to be healthy and stable for my kids. That does no include drinking partying or doing drugs, Im so grateful that I am not where I was two years ago, on my face out side the bar piss drunk. That girls scares me, she scared me even more when she tried to end her own life. I gave myself a little wake up call before my roommate gave me the real one and told me to move to my daughter, Then another friend looked at me and told me she knew I was hurting and told me things no ones ever said to me before, things I really needed to hear. Thank you Brittany and Brittany. You both help me more than you will ever know, you both mean so much to me and hold such a dear spot in my heart. Thank you for being blunt, honest and truly serious with me. I really am the luckiest girl in the entire world to have such amazing friends looking out for me.

I wrote this blog in hopes that people can better understand that even I look back on my life and go "what the fuck was I thinking/doing? or I wouldn't have liked myself either" Im not perfect but I am honest. Im human, We all make mistakes, we all grow up and we all go through life differently.

If you want to know something about someones life. Don't go asking other people, Go talk to the person yourself. For example a few years back I asked someone if that was their boyfriend/baby daddy and she was like im tired of what people are saying and this is what I said " I came to you because I wanted to know the truth, I didnt want to hear rumors or what other people had to say" she respected me alot for coming to her and not going around talking about her. Just ask. Its much less offensive than asking around.

The facts about BC "funded" treatment

I just wanted to make a few things clear. I am not making up information. I do my research very well. I have been exhausting my resources. I will be again exhausting my resources again. 
Plenty of people have mentioned Woodstones and The Looking Glass on Galiano Island in BC. I have looked into this program I have referrals sent last year and that is why I originally started working with Mental Health Services, To get into this program at The Looking Glass which used to be called Woodstones, you need to go through Mental Health Services. Do assessments and much much more. Its a very long process and it take a long time unfortunately. The information I have posted below is from The Looking Glass Website. If you wish to know more than what I have copied and pasted please use the link below to explore their website:

http://www.lookingglassbc.com/looking-glass-residence/admissions-overview

"

When to refer?

There are numerous indicators that a person is an appropriate candidate for treatment at Looking Glass Residence. The process of matching a person to the service offered is highly individualized, and is based on professional assessments, the judgment of expert clinicians and practitioners and the capacity of community-based services and families to accommodate a person’s particular needs. All people referred to Looking Glass Residence are screened before admission to match their needs with safe and appropriate care.

In general, clinicians may consider referring an individual to the service who:

• Has a primary diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa or EDNOS;
• Has exhausted the services available in her/his community;
• Lives in a community that lacks the capacity to provide appropriate local treatment;
• Has a social network and/or family that lack the capacity to support the early stages of her/his recovery;
• Feels, in conjunction with her/his family and/or existing treatment team, that she/he is unable to function in her/his life as a result of her/his eating disorder, whether she/he is transitioning out of an inpatient admission or has been accessing an eating disorder clinic or other community-based services.

Exclusion Criteria

Please note that the presence of any one or more of the following criteria excludes admission to the Looking Glass Residence. These criteria refer to a current condition unless otherwise stated.

Any urgent or emergent medical condition requiring an acute medical evaluation with 2 weeks prior to admission.
Any urgent emergent psychiatric condition requiring an acute medical evaluation within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Acute risks of suicide or self-injurious behaviour as determined by the psychiatrist prior to admission and on a regular basis throughout the resident’s stay using the provincial suicide protocols.
Loss of more than four kg body weight during the previous two months.
Tube feeding required.
Less than 80 per cent standard body weight for age, sex and height.
Temperature lower than 36° Celsius.
Blood pressure lower than 80/50.
Postural decrease in blood pressure of >10 mmHg.
Heart rate <50 (for ages 16-17).
For adults greater than 18 years of age a postural increase in heart rate of greater than 30 beat per minute on standing with associated dizziness.
Any ECG abnormalities, and specifically a QTc interval of >450 ms.
Serum phosphate not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum potassium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum magnesium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum creatinine not above normal limits within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum glucose not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Loss of consciousness or seizure within the last 6 months that has not been evaluated by a neurologist.
Concurrent substance abuse that may predispose the resident to acute risk of withdrawal.
Any previous complications with re-feeding including issues with fluid and electrolyte management and/or ECG monitoring."

Now that I'm back, things can start again

Ahh, finally settling in back on the Island. I must say I am very happy to home closer to my kids my family and friends, closer to a medical team that understands me. It's been such a busy few weeks to say the least!

First of all I want to thank everyone for all the information that is being sent to me. I've run in with the problem that some people believe I am not taking the information seriously. For that I want to make things a little more clear on my end. Since sharing my video I have been flooded with messages, questions and support. It's taken hours just to get through my inbox some days. I am taking all of the information you guys are providing seriously, I am doing my research aswell as mentioning it to my medical team here back on the island. For a while it may have seemed as if I wasn't taking any steps, let me explain. I was packing up my life, I had my referals sent from Prince George back to the island. I had to wait until they contacted me with the appointments to be able to start the ball rolling again. I was packing up and moving. In those few weeks of packing and getting on the bus and waiting for my appointments to start up again I could not take any more steps. Unfortunately the system takes a long time, the paper work, the waiting lists and so much more. It's a complicated ordeal, it does not just happen at the snap of your fingers and it does not happen over night. Otherwise I would not have reached out to the public for help. I have had a lot of people say that I should be able to attend the woodstones residence, the problem with that is my health and BMI isn't up to what they want it to be at when you go into the centre. I would need to go into a hospital to stabilize before going into Woodstones. Which is very unfortunate. I wish more than anything I could just wake up tomorrow and know that I could go to a treatment center. That is not the case. It takes time. Paper work, patience and money. Another thing is the funded program in BC at woodstones is not Free. It costs Approx $31 a day, and you still have to be able to have the things you need to live. You need to be able to up hold the place you have if you aren't living with family or roommates. I will still have bills when I go into treatment. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone who's saying that their is funded programs in BC. Now that I am back on the island and have had my first appointment things are starting to move along again, referals are being sent out, they are going to push to get me into hospital to stabilize for either WestWind or if I am able to get into the other one in BC at Woodstones. Unfortunately Woodstones has a ridiculous waiting list and I would have to get up to their criteria to be able to reside there for my recovery. As I have said before I will accept any treatment I can get. All the gofundme money is going towards treatment and if their is anything left afterwards it will also go towards my recovery. Any money raised through gofundme or any other donations is for my treatment and recovery. Recovery isn't just going into treatment and coming out, it's before treatment during treatment and your entire life after treatment. Recovery takes years sometimes an entire life time. I can't predict my future and I cannot tell you exactly what is going to happen. The team in nanaimo seems to be taking me a lot more seriously ever since the exposure I got after posting my video online. That makes me happy, I feel like thing will get moving now because I am being taken more seriously. My counsellors here in nanaimo take the severity of my anorexia seriously and that is something I am grateful for. I will update you all as I learn more from my team and from the treatment centers. I can't answer questions that I am also in the unknown about. I do my best to answer questions and to post the information I think is necessary for the people donating and following my story. I hope that I can get into hospital to stabilize sooner than later.

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your support messages comments donations and anything else! The support is outstanding and I cannot even bring to words what I feel about all of this! It's truly helped me a lot having so much support and so many people that are willing to listen and talk with me when I'm struggling! I cannot thank you enough!! Truly means the world to me!

Why did I choose "take it out of the shadows"?

TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS to me speaks for itself. The stigma around eating disorders is the way it is only because we don't educate people enough on eating disorders. Did you know? Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of mental illnesses. The reason that it isn't always noted that people die from an eating disorder is because their death was a result of heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. The medical complications are often written down as the cause of death, Instead of having it say eating disorder resulted in heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. 
Eating disorders can affect anyone. I personally always said I will never become anorexic or have an eating disorder. It hurt me when people would think that of me as I have always been a  smaller girl. There are many reasons that eating disorders could come into your life. Control reasons, self esteem problems, trauma in your past and many more things. Not everyone has the same eating disorder and not everyone is affected exactly the same. Not everyone is treated the same and not everyone can recover the same. Eating disorders are hard to explain, even more so for someone who has never actually lived in the life of an eating disorder. I feel like when I try to explain it sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I just cannot get the words right to explain whats going on inside me. A lot of people seem to believe that eating disorders are about food. That is not quite the case, its a little bit about the food. More about so many others things, like the way you see yourself and your body, its about a mental illness that is basically fighting your own self and own brain to overcome everything you do and say. 
An example of this for me would have to be I am afraid to ask for what I need or want in life. It takes me hours and hours to even ask someone for the food I've been wanting to eat for all those hours. Then when I do ask for it I get scared and emotional. 

Eating disorders are so in the shadows I didn't even know i had a problem until multiple doctors had asked me and counselors if I was anorexic over a period of approx. six years. It was absolutely devastating when I finally did admit to myself and to everyone else that I actually did have an eating disorder. It is truly and absolutely terrifying. I have said it before and I will say it again, I dont wish this upon any single person ever and I never will. This eating disorder has taken over my life in the most horrific ways. I choose #takeitoutoftheshadows after I started to share my story via blog as well as the video I posted to you tube, the reason for this is because of how many people reached out to me via email and private message that are ashamed to ask for help or even admit they have a problem to anyone else but themselves. Ive heard from people who think they may have a problem but they don't believe it because they do not look like the most severe cases out there. It is truly disheartening. People should not feel ashamed to come out and tell everyone they are struggling with an eating disorder. Its the way the world portrays eating disorders. 
Its so much less about the food than the mental aspect of it. It is so much more than just "picking up a fucking sandwich" as some would say or "being grateful for the food in front of you". I am grateful for the food infront of me, I cannot control the fact that I feel as if my body and throat are closing up and telling me not to eat. If you knew me before Ana (anorexia) came into my life you would know that me and food had a very healthy relationship, I looooove food. I still to this day try to tell myself that I love food and that we have a good relationship. As much as I have tried to trick myself or convince myself that I want the food, my mind and my body just completely have another plan for me. It feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts and your body. Which could play a huge part in why people feel shame towards getting help or coming forward to those around them. If you feel like someone is controlling you there is a pretty good chance you are going to feel like you are totally insane. For the record you are not insane. This is a terrible illness and it takes over your mind and body with full force. Ana is a disgusting evil horrible bitch. Please do not feel ashamed. You are worth life and worth every bite of food that your mind and body do allow yourself to eat!
Battling this disease in the shadows is absolutely not getting any one anywhere. I choose TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS because we need to change the way the world views eating disorders. The reason people view them the way they do is because they don't have enough information about eating disorders. Why? so many people hide away just letting themselves fade away to nothing and then no one hears about it. The only way that we can change the face of eating disorders and the way people view them is to start EDUCATING TO ELIMINATE!! I used to have anger towards the people who made insensitive comments towards eating disorders or my plea for help online, until I came to the realization that they just don't know enough about eating disorders to understand. There is a lot of information from doctors or professionals sure but what about the people who have been through it, who have experienced a life filled with eating disorders, who feel the excruciating pain every single day... What about the people being denied treatment or being told they aren't skinny enough to get the help they are so desperately trying to get. 
We need to start talking about eating disorders but not only talking about then. Educating people on the struggles we go through on a daily basis. I don't share my story because I want people to feel bad for me. I want people to learn from my words and my expiernces so that they can better understand eating disorders, or maybe not feel so alone if you do have an eating disorder. I want to make a change for my life, but not my life alone. For my childrens lives, my friends childrens lives, and for generations to come. I want too make a difference in the world of eating disorders not only for myself and the people close to me but for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON struggling, watching someone struggle or has watched someones life be taken because of it. Its time to TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS, EDUCATE TO ELIMINATE LETS TAKE A STAND EVERYBODY! JOIN ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK BY POSTING #TAKEITOUTOFTHESHADOWS 

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