Alright, lets go back about seven to eight years ago. I want to share with you all who I was, what I did and how I became who I am today.
I was 13 at the time had been in a new town for one full school year. I had a really rough school year to say the least. I was a different kid, I strived for attention doing odd things that not everyone else did. Such as cartwheeling up and down the hallway for an entire lunch break, or putting a pony tail on the top of my head and sparkly stickers all over my face running around saying "i'm a frosted flake". People mocked me and laughed at me, they teased me and told me I was different. About half way through my first school year in my new town there was an incident that caused me to get my mother to remove me from the public school system and start home schooling. One lunch period at school I was being taunted by the "popular" grade nine girls (you know who you are) I was in grade seven at the time. I was getting frustrated and I was starting to try and get away, I was blocked to the lockers. My back against them and a crowd of grade nines standing over me. Yelling at me, calling me down and then that's when it happened... There was one girl standing right in front of me giving me her hatred full force, and she dumped an entire can of Dr. Pepper on my head. I was absolutely devestated, I pushed through the group and I ran into the bathroom nearest to me, locked myself in the stall and cried for the rest of the lunch period. They followed me into the bathroom, banging on the stall doors, yelling at me to come out and face them. I was terrified and humiliated. I believe it was about a week later when my mom enrolled me into homeschooling and I stopped going to that school. I finished my school year at home with my step dad helping a lot getting me to finish my school work and stop telling myself I was unintelligent. My entire school life up until this home schooling started was French Immersion, I could barely write English properly and I even still have some troubles to this day. So coming into homeschooling I felt very stupid and like I didn't know anything. Turns out I'm wicked in English and I rock Math. ( i just started crying, I've never ever been able to tell my self that I'm good at English or i rock at math....DAMN THAT FELT GOOD) During this school year I had started smoking cigarettes... I know to young to be smoking. It helped me alot get through the bullying and the emotions I was dealing with because of it. I hid it from my parents as best as I could. During that summer I decided to try marijuana. I didn't smoke it every day or all the time. I had tried it once that summer and maybe two other times as well. I didn't want to try it and felt very pressured by other people to, that's why that summer I tried it for the first time, The next school year I started at a new school again in the public system, A different one, where I was enrolled into the English classes not French Immersion. I was nervous to be the new kid again but very happy that I was trying out a public school again. My emotions were surely very mixed. I started my eighth grade year not knowing a soul. It was tough to say the least. Then I met this blonde girl who used to sit alone by the front doors. I think we started talking because she too smoked cigarettes. In the mornings before class we would go down to the little path way and have our morning smoke. I was so grateful to have met someone that I got along so well with. Her and I started to hang out outside of school and during the weekends she would stay at my place. We drank quite a bit on the weekends and attended parties together, We spent most of our time together hanging out with our other close friends. During that school year a lot had happened. I made some childish choices like drinking before class on day or skipping school with her to not even really do anything. We got suspended for smoking on lunch break, which lead to rumors that her and I were drug addicts. I wasnt the most liked girl, that is definitely certain. Around exam time at the end of the year I was in gym glass and I remember this boy calling me white trash, now I was a violent girl back then I got into fights a lot I would hit people if I did not like what they were saying to me, I spent me entire childhood in anger mode, because of the bullying during elementary school, which continued on into middle school and even into high school. So I punched this kid who called me white trash and after gym class I walked out to my mother standing there telling me the school was asking me to leave and not come back to my classes. I was allowed to come back and do my exams in the help center and then leave again. Just so I wouldnt have to redo grade eight. I was grateful the school let me do my exams so I didnt have to do a new year of the same grade. During this school year at age 14 I lost my virginity. When summer came, I continued to drink and party, started smoking marijuana everyday and started sneaking out, staying out with friends partying. I started heading down a terrible path, I watched my friends do drugs and I got tired of them not listening to my begs and pleas about not doing the drugs anymore. They all told me not to do them but did them themselves. So one day to make my point and because my curiosity completely got the best of me. I said I want to try the estacy. So I tried it, and then a few times after that as well. I did not like it. I hated the way I smelled the way it made me look, I looked at pictures of me on the drug and I was completely disgusted. It made me feel disgusting the next day and just entirely was not worth it. I hate drugs. After my experience trying estacy, Ive only smoked weed. Never done coke, heroin, crystal meth nothing of the sorts. I hated watching what drugs did to some of my closest friends, It destroyed their lives and made them do things they never would have in a million years done sober. That is why I have chosen to not even experiment with anything else. I was 14, naive and seriously stupid. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am that I did not become addicted to the drug that I did so stupidly try. I am forever gratfeul that drugs didnt take over my life and that I know within myself that even through out all the hard times and the shitty situations in the past few years of my life, I have stayed away from chemical drugs. Yes, throughout this I have smoked marijuana. I know and respect that everyone has a different view point on marijuana. I know that some people view it as a drug and other people do not. I am one of those other people. I have used marijuana in a medical way and in a way you would use say alcohol. I have smoked it for pain, to get the munchies to make eating easier and I have also used it to calm myself down. I don't wish to always use marijuana, This week I am starting groups to start learning other coping skills so that I'm not resorting to marijuana anymore. This is so hard for me to write because of the judgement I may get from people, but this is my life and im showing you the facts. I want to be open and honest about my journey so other people in the same place or similar places or have friends or family or colleagues going through it they can use my journey as a tool. If Im not straight up about who I am or what I've done. How will they know before it gets this far? How can they learn some of the warning signs to help themselves? They cant. That's the answer. If I am not honest and myself, what is the point ? I started school at a new school again for grade nine, At a school where I knew few people because the community is not the biggest. my year was rocky. I dont blame anyone but myself. I was running away from home it was during the period I was experimenting with drugs... I didnt try them anymore and just drank instead. I remember I met this guy at a party and we just kind of clicked you know we chatted and what not and then later that night he kissed me. Well we talked and hung out quite a bit and drank together. Then we started dating we had intercourse one singular time when I was 15. We broke up a week later because I was actually interested in a girl. Her and I started dating, about two and a half months into our relationship I started to throw uo in the mornings and I didnt want to drink anymore,. My body was changing... So I went to the doctors about two weeks of this going on, Only to find out little 15 year old me is PREGNANT! Me ? Pregnant? You've got to be kidding me. I took a week exploring my options and talking with my parents. I was keeping my baby. I could not bring myself three months in to end it. So I started doctors appointments, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes. I changed my entire life around I stopped hanging out with the "friends" I had because they just wanted to drink anyways. I was so happy. I felt like this little baby inside me saved my life. A gift from god. Even my mom and step dad said that. It might sound strange to you, let me explain. Yes I was only 15. I was also drinking my face off every weekend, sneaking out and starting to disobey my mom, which is something I really didn't do before. So when i found out about this little baby I started treating myself better and changing my life around for this beautiful child inside me, I stopped the partying and the bad scene. When my beautiful daughter was born, I was in awe. I went right back to school about two weeks after she was born. Then when she was around six months I starting working on top of school. My mother helped me with watching my daughter while I went to work and school. Later on I got enrolled into the Mothers Program at the highschool. the summer before I started at the Mothers Program I met someone. We clicked and started dating we dated for probably about a year or just over. When we broke up, a lot happened in my life. I unfortunately got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. This ripped our family apart. I went to live with my dad, we made a plan i was to live with him for an entire year and then see how things were. I didn't listen and I packed up and moved back to my mothers house. Even with all the tension from the arrest and the entire ordeal. Im ashamed and embarrassed by what I did that day. I own what I did that day.. Unfortunately it happened., today is the present and that was the past. During my short stay at my dads I started dating that guy again.. Well when I came back to my moms I found out I was PREGNANT again.... only this time I was 17 and at time my daughter was between 15-18 months old/ Holy crap. My life came crashing down as when i moved back him and I broke up... I cant share the next part with you yet,, It hurts to much, Ive blocked it out safe in my mind and I am not opening that up today. Another day maybe or maybe not. Anyways the beginning of my pregnancy was torture and hell. The pregnancy part was fine, baby was good at first and then everything went down hill. This is when my eating disorder really started.. After the trauma I went through,,, (the part I cant talk about right now) I didnt have control over my own life, I couldnt control anything I felt besides my intake. Without even realizing it I was starving my self and the baby inside of me was being affected. I was in and out of hospitals with IVs because of dehydration. On bed rest for four months, had to stop going to school because of it and then my son came 2-3 weeks early, healthy as could be. I was so so grateful he was so healthy. I feel awful that I didnt take care of myself during my pregnancy and that I didnt do more for my son. I will forever live with that... during the pregnancy it caused a lot more strain on my relationship with my mom and step dad. Three weeks after my son was born. My mom the ministry and I had to come up with a plan because it wasn't working with me living in the home at the time. So i moved into a hostel that my mother paid for until I was able to get an apartment and get onto independent living. during those few months in the hostel, I really fucked things up for myself. I got arrested again for assaulted a good friend of mine and someone else as well. I didnt care about anything. I wanted to die. I did not give a fuck. Finally i got my place and was feeling a little better for a little while.. Finally i moved in with my boyfriend at the time and we lived together for about two years..ALOT happened in those years. I drank alot, i partied I lost my rights to unsupervised visits with my kids, I fucked a lot of things up. I guess because I had my children so young the teenager that was dying to come out finally was. And i looked like a compete idiot because I was partying my life away while other people raised my children. Im grateful for my parents and my sons grandparents for letting me get that out of my system,. I no longer want to get drunk, or stay out all night partying or taking people home from the bar. I got to see what it was like and I don;t want that for my life. I want to be the mother for my kids, I want to be healthy and stable for my kids. That does no include drinking partying or doing drugs, Im so grateful that I am not where I was two years ago, on my face out side the bar piss drunk. That girls scares me, she scared me even more when she tried to end her own life. I gave myself a little wake up call before my roommate gave me the real one and told me to move to my daughter, Then another friend looked at me and told me she knew I was hurting and told me things no ones ever said to me before, things I really needed to hear. Thank you Brittany and Brittany. You both help me more than you will ever know, you both mean so much to me and hold such a dear spot in my heart. Thank you for being blunt, honest and truly serious with me. I really am the luckiest girl in the entire world to have such amazing friends looking out for me.
I wrote this blog in hopes that people can better understand that even I look back on my life and go "what the fuck was I thinking/doing? or I wouldn't have liked myself either" Im not perfect but I am honest. Im human, We all make mistakes, we all grow up and we all go through life differently.
If you want to know something about someones life. Don't go asking other people, Go talk to the person yourself. For example a few years back I asked someone if that was their boyfriend/baby daddy and she was like im tired of what people are saying and this is what I said " I came to you because I wanted to know the truth, I didnt want to hear rumors or what other people had to say" she respected me alot for coming to her and not going around talking about her. Just ask. Its much less offensive than asking around.
Monday, 9 February 2015
Sunday, 8 February 2015
The facts about BC "funded" treatment
I just wanted to make a few things clear. I am not making up information. I do my research very well. I have been exhausting my resources. I will be again exhausting my resources again.
Plenty of people have mentioned Woodstones and The Looking Glass on Galiano Island in BC. I have looked into this program I have referrals sent last year and that is why I originally started working with Mental Health Services, To get into this program at The Looking Glass which used to be called Woodstones, you need to go through Mental Health Services. Do assessments and much much more. Its a very long process and it take a long time unfortunately. The information I have posted below is from The Looking Glass Website. If you wish to know more than what I have copied and pasted please use the link below to explore their website:
http://www.lookingglassbc.com/looking-glass-residence/admissions-overview
"
Exclusion Criteria
Please note that the presence of any one or more of the following criteria excludes admission to the Looking Glass Residence. These criteria refer to a current condition unless otherwise stated.
Any urgent or emergent medical condition requiring an acute medical evaluation with 2 weeks prior to admission.
Any urgent emergent psychiatric condition requiring an acute medical evaluation within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Acute risks of suicide or self-injurious behaviour as determined by the psychiatrist prior to admission and on a regular basis throughout the resident’s stay using the provincial suicide protocols.
Loss of more than four kg body weight during the previous two months.
Tube feeding required.
Less than 80 per cent standard body weight for age, sex and height.
Temperature lower than 36° Celsius.
Blood pressure lower than 80/50.
Postural decrease in blood pressure of >10 mmHg.
Heart rate <50 (for ages 16-17).
For adults greater than 18 years of age a postural increase in heart rate of greater than 30 beat per minute on standing with associated dizziness.
Any ECG abnormalities, and specifically a QTc interval of >450 ms.
Serum phosphate not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum potassium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum magnesium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum creatinine not above normal limits within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum glucose not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Loss of consciousness or seizure within the last 6 months that has not been evaluated by a neurologist.
Concurrent substance abuse that may predispose the resident to acute risk of withdrawal.
Any previous complications with re-feeding including issues with fluid and electrolyte management and/or ECG monitoring."
Plenty of people have mentioned Woodstones and The Looking Glass on Galiano Island in BC. I have looked into this program I have referrals sent last year and that is why I originally started working with Mental Health Services, To get into this program at The Looking Glass which used to be called Woodstones, you need to go through Mental Health Services. Do assessments and much much more. Its a very long process and it take a long time unfortunately. The information I have posted below is from The Looking Glass Website. If you wish to know more than what I have copied and pasted please use the link below to explore their website:
http://www.lookingglassbc.com/looking-glass-residence/admissions-overview
"
When to refer?
There are numerous indicators that a person is an appropriate candidate for treatment at Looking Glass Residence. The process of matching a person to the service offered is highly individualized, and is based on professional assessments, the judgment of expert clinicians and practitioners and the capacity of community-based services and families to accommodate a person’s particular needs. All people referred to Looking Glass Residence are screened before admission to match their needs with safe and appropriate care.
In general, clinicians may consider referring an individual to the service who:
- Has a primary diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa or EDNOS;
- Has exhausted the services available in her/his community;
- Lives in a community that lacks the capacity to provide appropriate local treatment;
- Has a social network and/or family that lack the capacity to support the early stages of her/his recovery;
- Feels, in conjunction with her/his family and/or existing treatment team, that she/he is unable to function in her/his life as a result of her/his eating disorder, whether she/he is transitioning out of an inpatient admission or has been accessing an eating disorder clinic or other community-based services.
Exclusion Criteria
Please note that the presence of any one or more of the following criteria excludes admission to the Looking Glass Residence. These criteria refer to a current condition unless otherwise stated.
Any urgent or emergent medical condition requiring an acute medical evaluation with 2 weeks prior to admission.
Any urgent emergent psychiatric condition requiring an acute medical evaluation within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Acute risks of suicide or self-injurious behaviour as determined by the psychiatrist prior to admission and on a regular basis throughout the resident’s stay using the provincial suicide protocols.
Loss of more than four kg body weight during the previous two months.
Tube feeding required.
Less than 80 per cent standard body weight for age, sex and height.
Temperature lower than 36° Celsius.
Blood pressure lower than 80/50.
Postural decrease in blood pressure of >10 mmHg.
Heart rate <50 (for ages 16-17).
For adults greater than 18 years of age a postural increase in heart rate of greater than 30 beat per minute on standing with associated dizziness.
Any ECG abnormalities, and specifically a QTc interval of >450 ms.
Serum phosphate not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum potassium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum magnesium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum creatinine not above normal limits within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum glucose not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Loss of consciousness or seizure within the last 6 months that has not been evaluated by a neurologist.
Concurrent substance abuse that may predispose the resident to acute risk of withdrawal.
Any previous complications with re-feeding including issues with fluid and electrolyte management and/or ECG monitoring."
Saturday, 7 February 2015
Now that I'm back, things can start again
Ahh, finally settling in back on the Island. I must say I am very happy to home closer to my kids my family and friends, closer to a medical team that understands me. It's been such a busy few weeks to say the least!
First of all I want to thank everyone for all the information that is being sent to me. I've run in with the problem that some people believe I am not taking the information seriously. For that I want to make things a little more clear on my end. Since sharing my video I have been flooded with messages, questions and support. It's taken hours just to get through my inbox some days. I am taking all of the information you guys are providing seriously, I am doing my research aswell as mentioning it to my medical team here back on the island. For a while it may have seemed as if I wasn't taking any steps, let me explain. I was packing up my life, I had my referals sent from Prince George back to the island. I had to wait until they contacted me with the appointments to be able to start the ball rolling again. I was packing up and moving. In those few weeks of packing and getting on the bus and waiting for my appointments to start up again I could not take any more steps. Unfortunately the system takes a long time, the paper work, the waiting lists and so much more. It's a complicated ordeal, it does not just happen at the snap of your fingers and it does not happen over night. Otherwise I would not have reached out to the public for help. I have had a lot of people say that I should be able to attend the woodstones residence, the problem with that is my health and BMI isn't up to what they want it to be at when you go into the centre. I would need to go into a hospital to stabilize before going into Woodstones. Which is very unfortunate. I wish more than anything I could just wake up tomorrow and know that I could go to a treatment center. That is not the case. It takes time. Paper work, patience and money. Another thing is the funded program in BC at woodstones is not Free. It costs Approx $31 a day, and you still have to be able to have the things you need to live. You need to be able to up hold the place you have if you aren't living with family or roommates. I will still have bills when I go into treatment. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone who's saying that their is funded programs in BC. Now that I am back on the island and have had my first appointment things are starting to move along again, referals are being sent out, they are going to push to get me into hospital to stabilize for either WestWind or if I am able to get into the other one in BC at Woodstones. Unfortunately Woodstones has a ridiculous waiting list and I would have to get up to their criteria to be able to reside there for my recovery. As I have said before I will accept any treatment I can get. All the gofundme money is going towards treatment and if their is anything left afterwards it will also go towards my recovery. Any money raised through gofundme or any other donations is for my treatment and recovery. Recovery isn't just going into treatment and coming out, it's before treatment during treatment and your entire life after treatment. Recovery takes years sometimes an entire life time. I can't predict my future and I cannot tell you exactly what is going to happen. The team in nanaimo seems to be taking me a lot more seriously ever since the exposure I got after posting my video online. That makes me happy, I feel like thing will get moving now because I am being taken more seriously. My counsellors here in nanaimo take the severity of my anorexia seriously and that is something I am grateful for. I will update you all as I learn more from my team and from the treatment centers. I can't answer questions that I am also in the unknown about. I do my best to answer questions and to post the information I think is necessary for the people donating and following my story. I hope that I can get into hospital to stabilize sooner than later.
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your support messages comments donations and anything else! The support is outstanding and I cannot even bring to words what I feel about all of this! It's truly helped me a lot having so much support and so many people that are willing to listen and talk with me when I'm struggling! I cannot thank you enough!! Truly means the world to me!
First of all I want to thank everyone for all the information that is being sent to me. I've run in with the problem that some people believe I am not taking the information seriously. For that I want to make things a little more clear on my end. Since sharing my video I have been flooded with messages, questions and support. It's taken hours just to get through my inbox some days. I am taking all of the information you guys are providing seriously, I am doing my research aswell as mentioning it to my medical team here back on the island. For a while it may have seemed as if I wasn't taking any steps, let me explain. I was packing up my life, I had my referals sent from Prince George back to the island. I had to wait until they contacted me with the appointments to be able to start the ball rolling again. I was packing up and moving. In those few weeks of packing and getting on the bus and waiting for my appointments to start up again I could not take any more steps. Unfortunately the system takes a long time, the paper work, the waiting lists and so much more. It's a complicated ordeal, it does not just happen at the snap of your fingers and it does not happen over night. Otherwise I would not have reached out to the public for help. I have had a lot of people say that I should be able to attend the woodstones residence, the problem with that is my health and BMI isn't up to what they want it to be at when you go into the centre. I would need to go into a hospital to stabilize before going into Woodstones. Which is very unfortunate. I wish more than anything I could just wake up tomorrow and know that I could go to a treatment center. That is not the case. It takes time. Paper work, patience and money. Another thing is the funded program in BC at woodstones is not Free. It costs Approx $31 a day, and you still have to be able to have the things you need to live. You need to be able to up hold the place you have if you aren't living with family or roommates. I will still have bills when I go into treatment. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone who's saying that their is funded programs in BC. Now that I am back on the island and have had my first appointment things are starting to move along again, referals are being sent out, they are going to push to get me into hospital to stabilize for either WestWind or if I am able to get into the other one in BC at Woodstones. Unfortunately Woodstones has a ridiculous waiting list and I would have to get up to their criteria to be able to reside there for my recovery. As I have said before I will accept any treatment I can get. All the gofundme money is going towards treatment and if their is anything left afterwards it will also go towards my recovery. Any money raised through gofundme or any other donations is for my treatment and recovery. Recovery isn't just going into treatment and coming out, it's before treatment during treatment and your entire life after treatment. Recovery takes years sometimes an entire life time. I can't predict my future and I cannot tell you exactly what is going to happen. The team in nanaimo seems to be taking me a lot more seriously ever since the exposure I got after posting my video online. That makes me happy, I feel like thing will get moving now because I am being taken more seriously. My counsellors here in nanaimo take the severity of my anorexia seriously and that is something I am grateful for. I will update you all as I learn more from my team and from the treatment centers. I can't answer questions that I am also in the unknown about. I do my best to answer questions and to post the information I think is necessary for the people donating and following my story. I hope that I can get into hospital to stabilize sooner than later.
I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your support messages comments donations and anything else! The support is outstanding and I cannot even bring to words what I feel about all of this! It's truly helped me a lot having so much support and so many people that are willing to listen and talk with me when I'm struggling! I cannot thank you enough!! Truly means the world to me!
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Why did I choose "take it out of the shadows"?
TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS to me speaks for itself. The stigma around eating disorders is the way it is only because we don't educate people enough on eating disorders. Did you know? Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of mental illnesses. The reason that it isn't always noted that people die from an eating disorder is because their death was a result of heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. The medical complications are often written down as the cause of death, Instead of having it say eating disorder resulted in heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide.
Eating disorders can affect anyone. I personally always said I will never become anorexic or have an eating disorder. It hurt me when people would think that of me as I have always been a smaller girl. There are many reasons that eating disorders could come into your life. Control reasons, self esteem problems, trauma in your past and many more things. Not everyone has the same eating disorder and not everyone is affected exactly the same. Not everyone is treated the same and not everyone can recover the same. Eating disorders are hard to explain, even more so for someone who has never actually lived in the life of an eating disorder. I feel like when I try to explain it sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I just cannot get the words right to explain whats going on inside me. A lot of people seem to believe that eating disorders are about food. That is not quite the case, its a little bit about the food. More about so many others things, like the way you see yourself and your body, its about a mental illness that is basically fighting your own self and own brain to overcome everything you do and say.
An example of this for me would have to be I am afraid to ask for what I need or want in life. It takes me hours and hours to even ask someone for the food I've been wanting to eat for all those hours. Then when I do ask for it I get scared and emotional.
Eating disorders are so in the shadows I didn't even know i had a problem until multiple doctors had asked me and counselors if I was anorexic over a period of approx. six years. It was absolutely devastating when I finally did admit to myself and to everyone else that I actually did have an eating disorder. It is truly and absolutely terrifying. I have said it before and I will say it again, I dont wish this upon any single person ever and I never will. This eating disorder has taken over my life in the most horrific ways. I choose #takeitoutoftheshadows after I started to share my story via blog as well as the video I posted to you tube, the reason for this is because of how many people reached out to me via email and private message that are ashamed to ask for help or even admit they have a problem to anyone else but themselves. Ive heard from people who think they may have a problem but they don't believe it because they do not look like the most severe cases out there. It is truly disheartening. People should not feel ashamed to come out and tell everyone they are struggling with an eating disorder. Its the way the world portrays eating disorders.
Its so much less about the food than the mental aspect of it. It is so much more than just "picking up a fucking sandwich" as some would say or "being grateful for the food in front of you". I am grateful for the food infront of me, I cannot control the fact that I feel as if my body and throat are closing up and telling me not to eat. If you knew me before Ana (anorexia) came into my life you would know that me and food had a very healthy relationship, I looooove food. I still to this day try to tell myself that I love food and that we have a good relationship. As much as I have tried to trick myself or convince myself that I want the food, my mind and my body just completely have another plan for me. It feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts and your body. Which could play a huge part in why people feel shame towards getting help or coming forward to those around them. If you feel like someone is controlling you there is a pretty good chance you are going to feel like you are totally insane. For the record you are not insane. This is a terrible illness and it takes over your mind and body with full force. Ana is a disgusting evil horrible bitch. Please do not feel ashamed. You are worth life and worth every bite of food that your mind and body do allow yourself to eat!
Battling this disease in the shadows is absolutely not getting any one anywhere. I choose TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS because we need to change the way the world views eating disorders. The reason people view them the way they do is because they don't have enough information about eating disorders. Why? so many people hide away just letting themselves fade away to nothing and then no one hears about it. The only way that we can change the face of eating disorders and the way people view them is to start EDUCATING TO ELIMINATE!! I used to have anger towards the people who made insensitive comments towards eating disorders or my plea for help online, until I came to the realization that they just don't know enough about eating disorders to understand. There is a lot of information from doctors or professionals sure but what about the people who have been through it, who have experienced a life filled with eating disorders, who feel the excruciating pain every single day... What about the people being denied treatment or being told they aren't skinny enough to get the help they are so desperately trying to get.
We need to start talking about eating disorders but not only talking about then. Educating people on the struggles we go through on a daily basis. I don't share my story because I want people to feel bad for me. I want people to learn from my words and my expiernces so that they can better understand eating disorders, or maybe not feel so alone if you do have an eating disorder. I want to make a change for my life, but not my life alone. For my childrens lives, my friends childrens lives, and for generations to come. I want too make a difference in the world of eating disorders not only for myself and the people close to me but for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON struggling, watching someone struggle or has watched someones life be taken because of it. Its time to TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS, EDUCATE TO ELIMINATE LETS TAKE A STAND EVERYBODY! JOIN ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK BY POSTING #TAKEITOUTOFTHESHADOWS
YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON THESE WEBSITES BELOW FOR MORE DAY TO DAY UPDATES!
Instagram : @missjenniferdoucettesjourney
Facebook : Jennifer Doucette
Twitter : @jmdouce1901
Tag me in your #takeitoutoftheshadows posts so I can follow you back!
Eating disorders can affect anyone. I personally always said I will never become anorexic or have an eating disorder. It hurt me when people would think that of me as I have always been a smaller girl. There are many reasons that eating disorders could come into your life. Control reasons, self esteem problems, trauma in your past and many more things. Not everyone has the same eating disorder and not everyone is affected exactly the same. Not everyone is treated the same and not everyone can recover the same. Eating disorders are hard to explain, even more so for someone who has never actually lived in the life of an eating disorder. I feel like when I try to explain it sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I just cannot get the words right to explain whats going on inside me. A lot of people seem to believe that eating disorders are about food. That is not quite the case, its a little bit about the food. More about so many others things, like the way you see yourself and your body, its about a mental illness that is basically fighting your own self and own brain to overcome everything you do and say.
An example of this for me would have to be I am afraid to ask for what I need or want in life. It takes me hours and hours to even ask someone for the food I've been wanting to eat for all those hours. Then when I do ask for it I get scared and emotional.
Eating disorders are so in the shadows I didn't even know i had a problem until multiple doctors had asked me and counselors if I was anorexic over a period of approx. six years. It was absolutely devastating when I finally did admit to myself and to everyone else that I actually did have an eating disorder. It is truly and absolutely terrifying. I have said it before and I will say it again, I dont wish this upon any single person ever and I never will. This eating disorder has taken over my life in the most horrific ways. I choose #takeitoutoftheshadows after I started to share my story via blog as well as the video I posted to you tube, the reason for this is because of how many people reached out to me via email and private message that are ashamed to ask for help or even admit they have a problem to anyone else but themselves. Ive heard from people who think they may have a problem but they don't believe it because they do not look like the most severe cases out there. It is truly disheartening. People should not feel ashamed to come out and tell everyone they are struggling with an eating disorder. Its the way the world portrays eating disorders.
Its so much less about the food than the mental aspect of it. It is so much more than just "picking up a fucking sandwich" as some would say or "being grateful for the food in front of you". I am grateful for the food infront of me, I cannot control the fact that I feel as if my body and throat are closing up and telling me not to eat. If you knew me before Ana (anorexia) came into my life you would know that me and food had a very healthy relationship, I looooove food. I still to this day try to tell myself that I love food and that we have a good relationship. As much as I have tried to trick myself or convince myself that I want the food, my mind and my body just completely have another plan for me. It feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts and your body. Which could play a huge part in why people feel shame towards getting help or coming forward to those around them. If you feel like someone is controlling you there is a pretty good chance you are going to feel like you are totally insane. For the record you are not insane. This is a terrible illness and it takes over your mind and body with full force. Ana is a disgusting evil horrible bitch. Please do not feel ashamed. You are worth life and worth every bite of food that your mind and body do allow yourself to eat!
Battling this disease in the shadows is absolutely not getting any one anywhere. I choose TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS because we need to change the way the world views eating disorders. The reason people view them the way they do is because they don't have enough information about eating disorders. Why? so many people hide away just letting themselves fade away to nothing and then no one hears about it. The only way that we can change the face of eating disorders and the way people view them is to start EDUCATING TO ELIMINATE!! I used to have anger towards the people who made insensitive comments towards eating disorders or my plea for help online, until I came to the realization that they just don't know enough about eating disorders to understand. There is a lot of information from doctors or professionals sure but what about the people who have been through it, who have experienced a life filled with eating disorders, who feel the excruciating pain every single day... What about the people being denied treatment or being told they aren't skinny enough to get the help they are so desperately trying to get.
We need to start talking about eating disorders but not only talking about then. Educating people on the struggles we go through on a daily basis. I don't share my story because I want people to feel bad for me. I want people to learn from my words and my expiernces so that they can better understand eating disorders, or maybe not feel so alone if you do have an eating disorder. I want to make a change for my life, but not my life alone. For my childrens lives, my friends childrens lives, and for generations to come. I want too make a difference in the world of eating disorders not only for myself and the people close to me but for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON struggling, watching someone struggle or has watched someones life be taken because of it. Its time to TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS, EDUCATE TO ELIMINATE LETS TAKE A STAND EVERYBODY! JOIN ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK BY POSTING #TAKEITOUTOFTHESHADOWS
YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON THESE WEBSITES BELOW FOR MORE DAY TO DAY UPDATES!
Instagram : @missjenniferdoucettesjourney
Facebook : Jennifer Doucette
Twitter : @jmdouce1901
Tag me in your #takeitoutoftheshadows posts so I can follow you back!
Saturday, 31 January 2015
our parents lives before us....
have you ever actually sat down and considered what your parents have dealt with?
I mean weve been around in their lives since we were born, what about before we were born? What did they go through? what kind of life did they have, have they been through anything like what we are going through? do we even consider this?
I know I sure havent. That changed today.. Today I spent five and a half hours at a Visions Board Workshop called "The Art Of Allowing" with my mom. I learned some things about my mom that I had never even imagined in her life. I learned that my mom hasnt got to dream since she became a mom. My mom has since the day my brother was first born put her children first, in every aspect of life. Today I learned that although my mother and I have had our battles, I am incredibly grateful that she is my mother. I got insight into my mothers dreams and passions. do you know how
incredible that felt to hear my mom talk about something in life she would love to go after? I hope you do know because as hard as Ive tried I cannot put that feeling into words. I got to not think about my own self and my own life and actually listen to my mom and what shes always dreamed of. I got to hear some of what happened before she became a mom. It made me feel selfish because I have never taken the time to actually even wonder about my moms life before me. I mean Ive heard
stories and seen pictures. I hadnt honestly thought about the things she went through as a little girl, a youth and a young women. Ive never considered the things that brought her to becoming a parent. Today I got to see a little piece of that and it really opened up my eyes and my heart. Ive struggled alot because of some of the things my mom and I have gone through have caused me some resentment and has caused a strain on our relationship. Today a lot of that resentment
went away, I dont look at my mother the same way I did seven hours ago. I see a strong, independant incredible woman. Who gave me life, who gave me hope, who is now showing me to dream and to go after what I belive in. My mom is a rock star. She not only raised me and my brother whole heartly but she has also helped raised my son and is raising my daughter.
I also want to add how incredible of a job shes doing. My mom is inspiring, she accepted a problem in her life grabbed it by the horns and took control again. My mom puts everyone before her own self. She is the most forgiving person I know.
After all the things I have put my family through, mom took the shit end of the stick to be perfectly honest. She got the anger, the frusteration, the blame, the tears, the heartbreak, all of it. She got the physical side of my rage, she got the worst of it. I look back and am disgusted at what ive put my mother through, especially after today.
Today I learned to have some gratitude for everything my mom has gone through in life, because without her there would be no me. I am grateful for today and for the time I got to spend with my mother. Something I hope we can do more of.
I mean weve been around in their lives since we were born, what about before we were born? What did they go through? what kind of life did they have, have they been through anything like what we are going through? do we even consider this?
I know I sure havent. That changed today.. Today I spent five and a half hours at a Visions Board Workshop called "The Art Of Allowing" with my mom. I learned some things about my mom that I had never even imagined in her life. I learned that my mom hasnt got to dream since she became a mom. My mom has since the day my brother was first born put her children first, in every aspect of life. Today I learned that although my mother and I have had our battles, I am incredibly grateful that she is my mother. I got insight into my mothers dreams and passions. do you know how
incredible that felt to hear my mom talk about something in life she would love to go after? I hope you do know because as hard as Ive tried I cannot put that feeling into words. I got to not think about my own self and my own life and actually listen to my mom and what shes always dreamed of. I got to hear some of what happened before she became a mom. It made me feel selfish because I have never taken the time to actually even wonder about my moms life before me. I mean Ive heard
stories and seen pictures. I hadnt honestly thought about the things she went through as a little girl, a youth and a young women. Ive never considered the things that brought her to becoming a parent. Today I got to see a little piece of that and it really opened up my eyes and my heart. Ive struggled alot because of some of the things my mom and I have gone through have caused me some resentment and has caused a strain on our relationship. Today a lot of that resentment
went away, I dont look at my mother the same way I did seven hours ago. I see a strong, independant incredible woman. Who gave me life, who gave me hope, who is now showing me to dream and to go after what I belive in. My mom is a rock star. She not only raised me and my brother whole heartly but she has also helped raised my son and is raising my daughter.
I also want to add how incredible of a job shes doing. My mom is inspiring, she accepted a problem in her life grabbed it by the horns and took control again. My mom puts everyone before her own self. She is the most forgiving person I know.
After all the things I have put my family through, mom took the shit end of the stick to be perfectly honest. She got the anger, the frusteration, the blame, the tears, the heartbreak, all of it. She got the physical side of my rage, she got the worst of it. I look back and am disgusted at what ive put my mother through, especially after today.
Today I learned to have some gratitude for everything my mom has gone through in life, because without her there would be no me. I am grateful for today and for the time I got to spend with my mother. Something I hope we can do more of.
Monday, 26 January 2015
Anorexia needs to be talked about
I'm going to start this blog post off with a huge thank you to everyone who has stood behind me, encourage me, supported me, made donations, reached out to give information or even to share apart of your story with me! You have all given me so much more hope than I had before, you've made me step back and realize how many genuine caring people really are in this world. It's open my eyes even more to how little people know about anorexia.
How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute.... You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.
The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!
How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute.... You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.
The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!
Tuesday, 20 January 2015
As I pack my bags... my mind begins to wander
As I start to pack my life back into suitcases, I'm realizing how much my life has changed since I last did this. That was only in September as I moved October first.
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!
Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.
I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.
I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!
Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.
I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.
I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)