The Truth

I have been feeling at a loss lately. I have put so much hard work into recovery, yet I have also slipped so many times that I am starting to wonder if it is even worth it anymore. I built a system that worked for me, I had my support community and I was going down the road of bettering my life. I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew... (I know quite the expression) I find I spend so much time worrying about everyone around me that I often forget to worry about myself. I will be so focused on the fact I want to be a good mother and make good meals, but then I don't sit down and eat them. I just prepare them for my daughter. I have found that I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I am having a hard time enjoying a relaxing bath. It honestly has been taking every bit of energy I have to even be able to shower. I went through a really rough patch recently where I wouldn't shower for 3-4 days because I didn't feel like I deserved it. I started trying to make myself shower every morning and get into a routine. It helped for a good five days and now I am really struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I am waking up frustrated and angry. It takes EVERYTHING inside of me to clean my house. I have lost all motivation to cook what so ever. I don't feel like I deserve to do my nails because when I spend money on that my mind is telling me that it is taking away from food. I bought myself new shoes last week, and had to convince my own self that it was okay because I really did need them. I've come to loose some weight recently and now I've had to buy pants from the kids section. That was an extremely hard pill to swallow. I stopped posting progress photos and keeping track of my meals. I have honestly let go of myself. I am scared and I feel hopeless. This isn't what I want. I have sat down and made plans for a day, which included food and self care and then the next day comes to follow it and I'm fighting my mind once again. I've lost interest in some of my favorite shows and movies. I am finding that I am irritated more than I am not. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win... and that quite frankly is the scariest thought. IM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED.

Reasons to recover

I have lost sight of why I was sharing my story. I felt ashamed for not being perfect in recovery and for slipping up. I took on to much and overwhelmed myself, Ana was there waiting and jumped in at every chance she got. I started worrying more about other people than my own self. I wanted to just be recovered already and in that time I have let my self slip. I stopped blogging, I stopped doing nails and make up. I would sit in my house all day everyday and only leave if I really needed to. I have dropped in weight, my moods aren't good lately and I'm just feeling quite defeated, I thought maybe blogging again and sharing my journey again would help me refocus on myself and getting healthy. I have many reasons to recover and today I need to make a list of them. I get so caught up in where I am I forget all the amazing reasons I have to recover.. 

These aren't going to be listed in any specific order other than they are great reasons to recover.

1. To be present and available for my children's lives

2. To watch my children grow up, become adults. 

3. To continue the growing relationships with my family members

4. To educate on Anorexia

5. To live pain free 

6. For energy

7. For happiness 

8. To have a career and be my own boss

9. To own a home

10. For marriage 

11. For my family

12. For myself

13. For my body

14. To be the kick ass Aunty I know I am

15. To keep the friendships I have

16. Fooooooooooood is amaaaazing 

17. For my dreams 

18. For my brothers and sister 

19. My parents don't deserve to bury their child 

20. For my step children 

21. For sunshine 

22. Wine!

23. I am worth life 

24. I deserve recovery 

25. I did not choose anorexia, anorexia chose me

26. For summer adventures

27. To be adventurous 

28. My kitty cat

29. Happiness 

30. For clothes that fit 

Ignorance Surrounding Mental Illness

Lately, I have been dealing with a lot of people to who seem to be ignorant to mental illness. Now, I know not everyone can fully understand mental illness, as it is all very complex and everyone suffers differently. There is many different forms of mental illness. Personally I have Anorexia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Bi Polar. Others may only suffer from one mental illness. I suffer from 6, one of which is consider mental and medical. That would be anorexia. I am going to give you some insight into the mental illnesses I deal with. Here is some information I have received...

Borderline Personality Disorder BPD:
              -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Extreme Emotional Swings
Unclear or Unstable Self Image
Chronic Feelings of Emptiness
Fear of Abandonment
Self Destructive Behaviours
Feeling Suspicious or Out of Touch With Reality

Anxiety:
         -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Problems Sleeping
Cold/Sweaty Hands or Feet (Entire body for me)
An Inability to be Still and Calm
Tingling in the Hands and Feet
Feelings of Panic, Fear and Uneasiness
Muscle Tension
Nausea

Depression:
       -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Feelings of Helplessness and Hopelessness
Loss of Interest in Daily Activities
Sleep Changes
Loss of Energy
Anger or Irritability
Unexplained Aches and Pains
Concentration Problems

Bipolar:
     -Symptoms I personally deal with:
Dramatic and Unpredictable Mood Swings
Euphoria or Irritability
Excessive Talking
Impulsiveness

These are some of the things I deal with on a daily basis. From the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep at night. Some days are better than others in the sense that I am not overwhelming controlled by these feelings.
It has been a battle the past couple of months. I usually struggle more during the winter months. I think the cold weather and crappy rain really doesn't help either. I have found myself blaming other people for not understanding that I have mental health issues, which is completely unfair to them. I feel like everyday I wake up feeling like someone different. One day I feel like a confident, strong woman who can take on anything and other days I feel completely helpless like I am not good for anything and laying in my bed watching Netflix is how I will live the rest of my life. That is certainly not what I want. I want to strive. First I need to focus on my health and my emotions because I cannot strive until I am healthy and doing good.

Nine months ago...

This journey I've been on sure hasn't been easy. This journey has been painful, emotional, heartbreaking, educational, inspiring, encouraging, eye opening and insightful. I have become someone with a completely different lifestyle than just only nine months ago. Nine months ago, I actually didn't believe I would survive, I did not believe that I could handle what life was throwing my way.

Nine months ago, every time I looked into the mirror I broke a little more inside, a little more self hatred would bury itself inside of me. I would try to eat and break down, I would want to leave the house and break down. I spent to many days in bed not doing any form of self care. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel good enough to live or breathe the air that surrounds me. I wanted more than anything to run away, to end my life. I did run away, I ran away to Prince George. Where I learned that running away from my life wasn't going to help me. It was only going to dig me deeper into the hole of anorexia and mental illness. I came back to my life on the Island, after posting a video reaching out for help with treatment cost. I felt like this was my last hope, my last go, the last time I was going to try to save myself. Life must have known, because I got enough money to go to the treatment center in Manitoba. Going to this treatment center changed my life, my outlook, my opinion and so much more. It changed my relationships, how I treat those around me. It taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know.

Today I sit in my own house that I share with an amazing man. I have my daughter half the time. Ive enrolled her into dance classes. My blood work has checked out healthy. I have energy again, I have motivation and drive. I know I deserve life and to breathe the air around me. I get to see my son more regularly. I have removed negative and toxic people from my life. I have reconnected with family and started to grow as a person. I have worked hard, pushed through, kept going, got knocked down, got back up, thrown into the dirt, pushed around by the government. I have struggled, I have cried, laughed, smiled, been terrified. And I am still standing. After everything I have been through one might think I'd want to go back and change some of it. Absolutely not, all of the crap, bullshit, hard times, struggles, accomplishments, good moments and everything else i have gone through has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am today. I am proud of who I am today. I feel good about what I have done the last nine months. I feel proud when I hear people from elementary school say " I hear you have been doing amazing " when you run into them in the mall. It feels damn good. So if you are struggling right now, if you feel like there is no way things can get better. Please keep going, I am living breathing proof, that good things do not come to those who wait but to those who get up, buckled up and work your butt off to get what you want and deserve.
DO NOT GIVE UP, IT WILL GET BETTER. The only person who can change your life is you. Take the first step. no matter how small it may be.

Some days I want to give up

Some days I seriously hate recovery. I hate that I have to think about every meal. Some days I want to smash my head against a wall in hopes it'll all just fuck off. It's mentally exhausting trying to make sure I don't eat to little or to much. I want to be able to wake up and feel normal for one day of my life. Is that even possible? Does anyone even feel normal? What the hell is normal? Some days I just want to give up on recovery, just let my life go down this tunnel of darkness, and then I look at my daughter, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my pets and I remember that I'm doing this for me. So I can be strong to be apart of my family, to be strong so I can be there for events with my friends, to be strong to be the mother I so desperately know I can be for my kids. Some days I want to recover more than anything because of everything I have been blessed with, then other days it comes completely crashing down and I just want to break. But I won't. I am a Doucette. I am strong. I was brought into this world for a reason, not to die from an eating disorder. I can feel the achy in my bones coming back because my intake has been so low. I'm thinking I need to start writing out what I am going to eat and the times and start setting my alarms again. I thought I was doing well enough that I didn't need my alarms anymore when I was at home, I thought I was strong enough to only use them when I'm away from home. As it stands right now. I am not strong enough, I need to keep continuing with the things that work for me, like setting my alarms and planning meals. I seriously hate it with all my heart, it get my anxiety high. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I'm sick of it. I find myself fighting with my own mind because I'm so torn between the two. I want this more than anything in the world. My daughter and son deserve to have a strong healthy mommy who's a good role model, through in and through out. 

I need to remind myself to continue on this road to recovery. This is worth it. Watching my kids grow up is worth it. Being involved in their growing up is even more worth it. I want to get married one day and my biggest fear is that Ana is going to take my dreams away from me. I fear I'll push those who love me away and that I'll end up alone dying in the hospital. I need to remind myself to allow to let others love me. I need to remind myself that my friends are my friends because they want to be not because I'm making them, I need to remind myself that my boyfriend loves me, for exactly who I am, every day, ever changing, accepting me for every flaw. I need to remind myself that my family wants to help me not because their obligated but because they actually care. I need to remind myself that all my supports are supporting me because they believe in me not because anyone is making them. I need to remind myself to allow the love from others every day. I am worth love. I deserve love. I can learn to love myself just as everyone around me loves me. 

I feel honoured to have the people in my life that I do. I have incredible friends that I cannot express enough how much they help me. Two certain girls have helped me, encouraged me and supported me in every aspect of my life, my recovery and my desicions in life. Carley and Brittany you girls are angels sent from above, I swear to god. I'd be lost without you two. You both help me so much more than you even realize. You are both not afraid to tell me what I need to hear even if it isn't what I want to hear. You are there for me in moments of weakness. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the two best friends any girl could ever ask for. I want to thank my Mom and My Step Dad for stepping up and helping me when I felt like I had no other options. Thank you for putting up with me and supporting me in my recovery. I appreciate you both more than I tell you. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. 

I want to thank my Dad, I know our relationship has been pretty rocky for quite a few years. You've been so supportive since I started recovery and on this journey, you're truly a huge inspiration to me. 

I want to thank my daughter for making me smile everyday, for teaching me lessons in life, for saving me when I was fifteen, for just being you baby girl. You brighten my days and make my fight so so worth it. I also want to thank my counsellor Chelsea. I wouldn't be recovering if it wasn't for you and Brittany. I'm so grateful to have someone who believes in me. 

I want to thank my supporters. You make me feel like I am doing something right every single day! 

I want to thank my pen pals. You've all shown me that I am not alone and that this is happening all around the world. 

And last but certainly not least I want to thank my boyfriend Brady. He came into my life about four months ago and swept me off my feet. He shows me unconditional love through his actions everyday. He supports me and my recovery, encourages me. He will hold me when I'm breaking and lift me up when I'm all cried out. It's only been less than four months we've been together, but it's been the most incredible time with you.

Some days, I want to give up... And then I remember who's watching❤️ 

Thank you ALL for supporting me!

My personal thank you and a reminder you are the one waking up in your skin

As the months creep on I continue to try and stay on track with my intake. I still have a lot of days where Ana wins, she takes over and becomes loud, annoying and just plain ridiculous. I had been doing really well in March with my six mini meals a day and working on getting more water and milk into my body. When disability called me and told me that my account was flagged it caused a lot of stress, chaos and Ana to become extremely loud, obnoxious and just take over all the progress I had been making. Even my own mother said on the days I talked to them you could tell I was loosing weight again. I could feel it in my jaw again intensely, the pain and discomfort came back. I found myself clenching my jaw through out the day much more frequently then when I am doing good with my intake. It caused me to become so entirely stressed out I just wanted to give up, I felt cheated, like everything I had done, all the hard work I had put in meant nothing. It was all going to be ripped away from me. Just like that. I found this unjust. I found it to be a violation of my rights as a person with disabilities. I found for my rights because I deserve it. I did not reach out to the public to pay the government all the money I received. I reached out to the public to get the help I need to overcome this mental illness. Wait... Isn't that the reason someone goes on disability? To get help to overcome mental illness? Not to make their mental illness worse and to throw them through a million loops. During my expirence with disability, I was very firm in getting what I deserve. Eventually I won. I get to keep the donations I received as a one time gift. This whole ordeal made me realize that I can't be the only one who had gone through this with disability. How many other people don't know about their rights? How many people don't know that disability is legislative government and not federal government. How many people knew we don't have to lay down like dogs and take the unlawful stuff they throw at us. We have rights, we are humans just as those sitting across the desk in those offices. This expirence has made me realize that with all my heart I want to be an advocate for women, men, young children, everyone going through something similar to my situation. This fuels my drive to continue moving forward in my recovery, this makes me feel empowered and secure that I can make a difference not only for myself but for the hundreds of people who are going through this too. Every story is different, every person has a different case and a different life. I want to be able to make changes for the future generation, for our kids and our grandkids. I want to take eating disorders out of the shadows but not only take them out of the shadows I want to make a difference in the resources for when you do need help, I want to change the way disability views eating disorders and the seriousness that comes along with them. 

I made a video reaching out for help, it was one of the hardest most embarrassing things I have ever done. I recorded it in my bathroom where I lived in Prince George. After it was recorded I sat there for three hours crying and watching it, wondering if I should even post it. Wondering about the judgement I would get because of what it said. I was worried people would look down on me for my mistakes and for the choices I've made that have helped in ending me up where I am today. Then I remembered, I'm sitting here dying, crying and insecure already. I'm the one waking up in my skin everyday, not anyone else. So I clicked post, not for anyone else in the entire world but myself. And then, my entire world changed. With the click of a button, it was out there, for the ENTIRE world to see. My face, bawling and pleading for help. Soon enough there was comments from close friends and family, they are proud of me. I never in a million years ever thought someone could be proud of negotiations publicly admitting I have anorexia and I need help. Shortly after the comments it became to be shared publicly all over the Internet. People sharing, liking and commenting which lead to people donationing to my gofundme page. Which meant I was reaching my goal to go to treatment. I had hundreds of girls, boys, men, women and even children reach out to me with their own personal stories. I couldn't believe the support and encouragement I was getting. I was giving people inspiration to fight for themselves, I was giving people the gift of seeing someone else struggling too, I was able to not only encourage, empower and motivate myself I was also able to give that to thousands of others all around the world. Someone once said to me when this all started that I was focusing to much on the Internet and social media side of things, this sticks with me. I didn't start sharing my story for ANYONE but myself, to try and use a new way to get my thoughts and feelings out. When I started doing this and helping thousands of others I realized that my life and my journey can be an education for so many others out there. My struggle, my anorexia and my story can be the reason someone reaches out for help themselves, it could be the reason someone choose to save someone close to them, it could be the reason resources in Canada change for the better. My reaching out caused a lot of noise on social media. I am glad. I shared my story for me and every day I continue to share my story it's for every single one of you who made me realize I deserve life, I deserve the help and to not be embarrassed by my struggles. 

This is my personal thank you to each and every single one of you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Wether you shared, donated, reached out, just read my story, just follow me on fb, if you encourage me from the sidelines whatever it may be. Thank you. Sincerely and heart filled thank you. I wouldn't be getting ready to go to treatment if it wasn't for you, and you and you. 

To those hurting, struggling or feeling alone. Remember I sat in my bathroom for three hours debating posting this video... Imagine if I hadn't posted it... I wouldn't be going to treatment, I wouldn't have helped myself and all those other people... Don't hold back because of someone else's judgement. You are the one waking up in your skin everyday! 

Looking back and updates

Looking back about a year ago, I was in such a different place than I am right now. I have found that on very hard days, when Ana gets super loud, I make silly excuses and things just don't seem to be going my way, when I think I haven't made any progress I think of where I was a year ago and how much has changed. I may not be anywhere near recovered, but I sure am a lot closer than a year ago. The average length of time it takes to recover from an eating disorder is 7-8 years. I am not saying that I am months away close or even years away close to recovered. I just mean I am a lot closer than I was when I started. I'm learning new things about myself and about my eating disorder as each day progresses. Wether it be small triggers, figuring out which voice is Ana and which one is mine. I've learned that when I am feeling frustrated angry or heated I need to step away think about everything and then come back with a clear mind. For right now that is my coping strategy until I am able to gain more tools to be able to work through those emotions that take over me.

I havent been updating as much lately as when I was living in Prince George and had just gotten home from Prince George. There is many reasons for that. I don't live on my own at the moment so it makes it hard to be able to just sit down and focus on an entire blog post. I have had the worst writers block ever, just feeling blank or when I go to write I don't like what I'm writing so I just stop. I live with my mom where my daughter lives so it's always a busy house, which I don't mind because I get to spend this time with my daughter before heading off to treatment. I am great full that my family is so supportive in my recovery and has helped me as much as they can while I am residing here.

I got the update email that I should be hearing about my departure for treatment sometime very soon. I should leave in June. Right now I need to focus on staying on track with food, getting myself back up to six mini meals a day and continuing to maintain my BMI of fifteen, or maybe make that number bigger that would be great too.