Some days I want to give up

Some days I seriously hate recovery. I hate that I have to think about every meal. Some days I want to smash my head against a wall in hopes it'll all just fuck off. It's mentally exhausting trying to make sure I don't eat to little or to much. I want to be able to wake up and feel normal for one day of my life. Is that even possible? Does anyone even feel normal? What the hell is normal? Some days I just want to give up on recovery, just let my life go down this tunnel of darkness, and then I look at my daughter, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my pets and I remember that I'm doing this for me. So I can be strong to be apart of my family, to be strong so I can be there for events with my friends, to be strong to be the mother I so desperately know I can be for my kids. Some days I want to recover more than anything because of everything I have been blessed with, then other days it comes completely crashing down and I just want to break. But I won't. I am a Doucette. I am strong. I was brought into this world for a reason, not to die from an eating disorder. I can feel the achy in my bones coming back because my intake has been so low. I'm thinking I need to start writing out what I am going to eat and the times and start setting my alarms again. I thought I was doing well enough that I didn't need my alarms anymore when I was at home, I thought I was strong enough to only use them when I'm away from home. As it stands right now. I am not strong enough, I need to keep continuing with the things that work for me, like setting my alarms and planning meals. I seriously hate it with all my heart, it get my anxiety high. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I'm sick of it. I find myself fighting with my own mind because I'm so torn between the two. I want this more than anything in the world. My daughter and son deserve to have a strong healthy mommy who's a good role model, through in and through out. 

I need to remind myself to continue on this road to recovery. This is worth it. Watching my kids grow up is worth it. Being involved in their growing up is even more worth it. I want to get married one day and my biggest fear is that Ana is going to take my dreams away from me. I fear I'll push those who love me away and that I'll end up alone dying in the hospital. I need to remind myself to allow to let others love me. I need to remind myself that my friends are my friends because they want to be not because I'm making them, I need to remind myself that my boyfriend loves me, for exactly who I am, every day, ever changing, accepting me for every flaw. I need to remind myself that my family wants to help me not because their obligated but because they actually care. I need to remind myself that all my supports are supporting me because they believe in me not because anyone is making them. I need to remind myself to allow the love from others every day. I am worth love. I deserve love. I can learn to love myself just as everyone around me loves me. 

I feel honoured to have the people in my life that I do. I have incredible friends that I cannot express enough how much they help me. Two certain girls have helped me, encouraged me and supported me in every aspect of my life, my recovery and my desicions in life. Carley and Brittany you girls are angels sent from above, I swear to god. I'd be lost without you two. You both help me so much more than you even realize. You are both not afraid to tell me what I need to hear even if it isn't what I want to hear. You are there for me in moments of weakness. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the two best friends any girl could ever ask for. I want to thank my Mom and My Step Dad for stepping up and helping me when I felt like I had no other options. Thank you for putting up with me and supporting me in my recovery. I appreciate you both more than I tell you. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. 

I want to thank my Dad, I know our relationship has been pretty rocky for quite a few years. You've been so supportive since I started recovery and on this journey, you're truly a huge inspiration to me. 

I want to thank my daughter for making me smile everyday, for teaching me lessons in life, for saving me when I was fifteen, for just being you baby girl. You brighten my days and make my fight so so worth it. I also want to thank my counsellor Chelsea. I wouldn't be recovering if it wasn't for you and Brittany. I'm so grateful to have someone who believes in me. 

I want to thank my supporters. You make me feel like I am doing something right every single day! 

I want to thank my pen pals. You've all shown me that I am not alone and that this is happening all around the world. 

And last but certainly not least I want to thank my boyfriend Brady. He came into my life about four months ago and swept me off my feet. He shows me unconditional love through his actions everyday. He supports me and my recovery, encourages me. He will hold me when I'm breaking and lift me up when I'm all cried out. It's only been less than four months we've been together, but it's been the most incredible time with you.

Some days, I want to give up... And then I remember who's watching❤️ 

Thank you ALL for supporting me!

My personal thank you and a reminder you are the one waking up in your skin

As the months creep on I continue to try and stay on track with my intake. I still have a lot of days where Ana wins, she takes over and becomes loud, annoying and just plain ridiculous. I had been doing really well in March with my six mini meals a day and working on getting more water and milk into my body. When disability called me and told me that my account was flagged it caused a lot of stress, chaos and Ana to become extremely loud, obnoxious and just take over all the progress I had been making. Even my own mother said on the days I talked to them you could tell I was loosing weight again. I could feel it in my jaw again intensely, the pain and discomfort came back. I found myself clenching my jaw through out the day much more frequently then when I am doing good with my intake. It caused me to become so entirely stressed out I just wanted to give up, I felt cheated, like everything I had done, all the hard work I had put in meant nothing. It was all going to be ripped away from me. Just like that. I found this unjust. I found it to be a violation of my rights as a person with disabilities. I found for my rights because I deserve it. I did not reach out to the public to pay the government all the money I received. I reached out to the public to get the help I need to overcome this mental illness. Wait... Isn't that the reason someone goes on disability? To get help to overcome mental illness? Not to make their mental illness worse and to throw them through a million loops. During my expirence with disability, I was very firm in getting what I deserve. Eventually I won. I get to keep the donations I received as a one time gift. This whole ordeal made me realize that I can't be the only one who had gone through this with disability. How many other people don't know about their rights? How many people don't know that disability is legislative government and not federal government. How many people knew we don't have to lay down like dogs and take the unlawful stuff they throw at us. We have rights, we are humans just as those sitting across the desk in those offices. This expirence has made me realize that with all my heart I want to be an advocate for women, men, young children, everyone going through something similar to my situation. This fuels my drive to continue moving forward in my recovery, this makes me feel empowered and secure that I can make a difference not only for myself but for the hundreds of people who are going through this too. Every story is different, every person has a different case and a different life. I want to be able to make changes for the future generation, for our kids and our grandkids. I want to take eating disorders out of the shadows but not only take them out of the shadows I want to make a difference in the resources for when you do need help, I want to change the way disability views eating disorders and the seriousness that comes along with them. 

I made a video reaching out for help, it was one of the hardest most embarrassing things I have ever done. I recorded it in my bathroom where I lived in Prince George. After it was recorded I sat there for three hours crying and watching it, wondering if I should even post it. Wondering about the judgement I would get because of what it said. I was worried people would look down on me for my mistakes and for the choices I've made that have helped in ending me up where I am today. Then I remembered, I'm sitting here dying, crying and insecure already. I'm the one waking up in my skin everyday, not anyone else. So I clicked post, not for anyone else in the entire world but myself. And then, my entire world changed. With the click of a button, it was out there, for the ENTIRE world to see. My face, bawling and pleading for help. Soon enough there was comments from close friends and family, they are proud of me. I never in a million years ever thought someone could be proud of negotiations publicly admitting I have anorexia and I need help. Shortly after the comments it became to be shared publicly all over the Internet. People sharing, liking and commenting which lead to people donationing to my gofundme page. Which meant I was reaching my goal to go to treatment. I had hundreds of girls, boys, men, women and even children reach out to me with their own personal stories. I couldn't believe the support and encouragement I was getting. I was giving people inspiration to fight for themselves, I was giving people the gift of seeing someone else struggling too, I was able to not only encourage, empower and motivate myself I was also able to give that to thousands of others all around the world. Someone once said to me when this all started that I was focusing to much on the Internet and social media side of things, this sticks with me. I didn't start sharing my story for ANYONE but myself, to try and use a new way to get my thoughts and feelings out. When I started doing this and helping thousands of others I realized that my life and my journey can be an education for so many others out there. My struggle, my anorexia and my story can be the reason someone reaches out for help themselves, it could be the reason someone choose to save someone close to them, it could be the reason resources in Canada change for the better. My reaching out caused a lot of noise on social media. I am glad. I shared my story for me and every day I continue to share my story it's for every single one of you who made me realize I deserve life, I deserve the help and to not be embarrassed by my struggles. 

This is my personal thank you to each and every single one of you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Wether you shared, donated, reached out, just read my story, just follow me on fb, if you encourage me from the sidelines whatever it may be. Thank you. Sincerely and heart filled thank you. I wouldn't be getting ready to go to treatment if it wasn't for you, and you and you. 

To those hurting, struggling or feeling alone. Remember I sat in my bathroom for three hours debating posting this video... Imagine if I hadn't posted it... I wouldn't be going to treatment, I wouldn't have helped myself and all those other people... Don't hold back because of someone else's judgement. You are the one waking up in your skin everyday! 

Looking back and updates

Looking back about a year ago, I was in such a different place than I am right now. I have found that on very hard days, when Ana gets super loud, I make silly excuses and things just don't seem to be going my way, when I think I haven't made any progress I think of where I was a year ago and how much has changed. I may not be anywhere near recovered, but I sure am a lot closer than a year ago. The average length of time it takes to recover from an eating disorder is 7-8 years. I am not saying that I am months away close or even years away close to recovered. I just mean I am a lot closer than I was when I started. I'm learning new things about myself and about my eating disorder as each day progresses. Wether it be small triggers, figuring out which voice is Ana and which one is mine. I've learned that when I am feeling frustrated angry or heated I need to step away think about everything and then come back with a clear mind. For right now that is my coping strategy until I am able to gain more tools to be able to work through those emotions that take over me.

I havent been updating as much lately as when I was living in Prince George and had just gotten home from Prince George. There is many reasons for that. I don't live on my own at the moment so it makes it hard to be able to just sit down and focus on an entire blog post. I have had the worst writers block ever, just feeling blank or when I go to write I don't like what I'm writing so I just stop. I live with my mom where my daughter lives so it's always a busy house, which I don't mind because I get to spend this time with my daughter before heading off to treatment. I am great full that my family is so supportive in my recovery and has helped me as much as they can while I am residing here.

I got the update email that I should be hearing about my departure for treatment sometime very soon. I should leave in June. Right now I need to focus on staying on track with food, getting myself back up to six mini meals a day and continuing to maintain my BMI of fifteen, or maybe make that number bigger that would be great too.

Getting everything sorted and ready to go...

First off I want to apologize for how little I have been blogging lately. I am seeming to have extreme writers block every time I try to sit down and write what is going on inside my mind. Today the house is quiet and I feel like I may be able to gather my thoughts and ignore Ana long enough to write an update. 

Secondly, I want to thank each and every person who has helped me get where I am today, to every person who has donated, spoke out to me, encouraged me, shared my story, signed the petition, supported me through the hurdles, and everything else I cannot thank you enough. It may seem very silly to most but I could have never done this without the support I have received from my friends, family and social media. Its encouraging and inspiring knowing that there is people who care about those who are struggling. From the smallest donation to the biggest, from the smallest of messages to the longest, from the invites to the sharing your personal stories with me, I thank you so so much. You all help me each and everyday. 

I have been told before I focus to much on social media. I disagree with this statement, I mean don't get me wrong I find someday's I need to put my cellphone away and focus what's in front of me, but for right now social media is very helpful for me. I have supporters, friends, family and much more. I can open up a screen and let my feelings out without hurting those who live with me or surround me on a daily basis. I believe that my blog, instagram and recovery Facebook are very helpful along my journey to recovery, and in those times when I do become triggered by it, I have realized I need to focus more on the here and now. Its about balancing the things in your life in a healthy manner. 

Thirdly, I want to explain a little bit more of what has been happening with WestWind and with Disability. To give anyone clarity, as this is even complicated for myself. 

There was a large sum donation made by an anonymous person, this donation was made to the eating disorder foundation in my name and asked that it be donated to WestWind in Manitoba. This large donation never went through my bank account and never touched my hands, therefore it solidifies me going to WestWind for 7 weeks. The donations made through the Gofundme account on the other hand turned out a little differently. Someone decided to call Disability and tell them that I was earning income from being on a television show. Which is untrue. I have been on the news, I did not get paid for being on the news, you tube, or posting my video anywhere else for that matter. I posted this video on my person Facebook and you tube account, not expecting to receive any type of income from anyone. I posted this video in hopes to raise donations for me to be able to attend WestWind eating disorder treatment center. After the call to disability was made, there was a flag put onto my account which in turn meant my cheque was going to be held. I received a call from disability stating what had been said and stating that I needed to claim the money as unearned income. I know that if I was to claim these donations as unearned income it would be deducted from my monthly cheques which means I would loose my income for several months, or they would add a debt onto my account that I would pay back in payments of $20 monthly out of my income cheque. This made me frustrated as this money wasn't donated for me to use as my income this money was donated for me to be able to get the help I so desperately need with my eating disorder. I fought for my rights because I knew this wasn't fair to myself and to all those who donated their money. I dealt with many different people at the disability office, including two different managers, I filled a report with the local MLA, I also spoke with citizens advocacy. I wrote a three page letter explaining myself and everything else. After a few weeks of being pushed and pulled through circles and hoops I finally got a call with good news. An application that had been sent off by one of the managers had been accepted. This application was to view all the donations as a one time gift. Which means disability will not be touching any of the donated money. Thank heavens!! I could not have done this without everyone's support. 

I have filed out all the paperwork for admission and done the doctors paperwork for admission, I am currently just faxing off one last paper and then I just wait to hear about an arrival date for WestWind. I am very excited to go and start this part of my journey, I am excited to gain new tools and knowledge to help myself along recovery. I am excited to try yoga for the first time and hopefully make some friends in the center. There is only five girls so that will make it easier on me than having tons and tons of people everywhere. I am grateful I get my own room and that it is very independant. They also encourage you to skype and keep in contact with family on down time like between group therapies and such. There is a lot for me to gain going to WestWind, that doesnt mean I am not terrified. I am completely and utterly nervous to go across three provinces to a town I don't know, Its also kind of thirlling. I get to see new parts of Canada. I get to explore while I travel to Brandon. Im also very lucky to have a friend in Brandon Manitoba, who is going to help me along my way there aswell. It will be so helpful to have a friendly face! 

In the past few weeks I have been struggling majorly, restricting a lot and making excuses to skip my groups. Which could possibly be because things are falling into place and Ana gets really loud when good things start happening to eliminate her. She's raging in my mind lately, like a tornado that just doesnt give up. Ive been trying to force myself to eat at least enough to keep my bmi over 15. I just barely make it over the dietician said, I keep telling myself at least I am there. 15 or more is where I want to be. 

My body aches and shakes have come back, I try to just distract myself or ignore it. Its hard to ignore when my palms are super sweaty and i'm shaking like a bad carnival ride. Those are the moments I try to even just have a few bites of something or a glass of milk in hopes that itll be enough just to stop the shaking. 

Im hoping as things with disability mellow out and as i get my date to arrive in Brandon it might get easier to stay on track. 

Here comes the run around...

Disability has been investigating my account with them since a phone call was made stating I was receiving unearned income from a television show. They have come up with a "solution" or so they say. They've said I can claim the gofundme donations as unearned income. If I was to claim the money they would then put a debt on my disability account of $5220, because I received donations through gofundme for my treatment at the WestWind facility in Manitoba. When they put the debt onto my account an amount of $20 or more a month will be taken off my disability cheque. They are with holding information. I am currently working to get in touch with a citizen advocacy personal aswell as an ombudsman and the MLA aswell. I feel out raged that disability is going to make me pay back all the donations that were given by the public for my mental health.

I have provided my bank statements, all paperwork from WestWind for admission, I have provided a three page letter explaining the situation, every donation that went into my account, notes from mental health and more. 

They are pulling and pushing me through hoops, it's causing stress, anxiety and many more mental health issues. I am trying to better my life, my health and my mental state so that I can get off of disability and work for my own income. The reason I reached out to the public is because I wasn't getting anywhere with the government funding programs and now when I can and have the money to go they are going to turn around and make me pay it all back? 

These were donations from the public for me to go to treatment to recover from my eating disorder, they were not donations for me to live off of as an income. They are not to pay my rent or bills, the donations are completely for treatment, post treatment and getting in preparation for treatment. 

I feel cheated by our government!

And the B*#$& comes back over and over again...

Since I have been back in nanaimo many things have changed for me. First of all I started my counselling with both my regular counsellor and my walk in counsellor who I can see whenever I need to, they refereed me to a group three times a week. I have been going as much as I can, I won't lie and say I've made it every single time. I have not. I have made 11 sessions which makes me incredibly proud of myself. Something I have never done is continued on with my counselling for many many sessions, even after I felt like I was doing good. I have also got back involved with my doctor. I will be getting blood work done soon to see how my health is doing and then starting the paper work with WestWind for my admission. My counsellors are helping me set a plan for after treatment. That way when I get out of treatment and come back to the island I will have everything set into place, I don't want to come back and not have any of the things I had in treatment so I am trying to be smart about everything. Thankfully I have a good team who is taking me very seriously here in nanaimo. Even my doctor seems to have done some research surrounding eating disorders. It makes me really happy to feel confident in the supports I have here for after treatment and until I head off to treatment.
I am currently living back with my mom, who is the sole care provider for my daughter. I love that I get to be with my daughter until I go. Which brings me to why I haven't been blogging as much or posting all of my meals. I have been like a chicken running around with my head cut off! With all the counselling appointments, doctors and group, plus being a mom and trying to give my mother a break as Bella is my child. I have also been trying to see lots of friends before I go, as I have been reconnecting with old friends as well as encountering new ones. I am extremely blessed for the support and encouragement my family has been giving me. My reaching out and sharing my story has helped my family and my friends understand who I am, why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.

As of now I am trying to prepare to leave for treatment, I will get an email letting me know when to submit my paper work and then they will tell me when I leave. I have to get everything ready and start explaining to my daughter why mommy has to leave again. The absolute hardest thing I have to do.. Again. It's not fair. Although I cannot dwell on that. I have been given an opportunity of a life time and I am taking it by the horns, I am not letting this get away, I get seven maybe eight weeks in treatment to learn new skills and get myself on track to a successful recovery, I will not screw this up. The first thing I am doing to prepare for treatment is eating six mini meals a day, I was doing really really well and then I fell back the last week, I am trying to battle my mind again because it's decided to tell me I'm huge... I've never really felt those thoughts about my entire body before, I mean I've had those thoughts surrounding certain areas of my body like my butt and my thighs and hips, but never my torso or feeling like I'm getting a muffin top ( fuck off ana, me a muffin top? You've got to be kidding me, you've got years before that happens) the intense bloating got time forsure, my belly was huge. I am a small girl and I have carried two pregnancies. I felt like I was five months pregnant every night and I'm sure if I took a photo of the bloating and placed it beside my pregnancy ones it would be the same 😭
These thoughts are seriously awful and I just don't even know where they are coming from. Everything is going so well and falling into place exactly how it needs to... Why can't ana just leave it the hell alone?!
I know that's what I'm trying to do by eating all these mini meals, so why does it scare me so much when I start seeing even the slightest of change in my body, it felt really good at first the first few times I was stoked and felt on top of the world like no one could stop me now..
Unfortunately Ana has plans of her own for my mind and body and now I am fighting battling and emotionally dealing with this bitch trying to sabotage it all.

I keep telling myself that I just need to keep trying, every day is a new day and I can try again tomorrow. I got a tattoo on my left inner arm that says "hey little fighter things will get brighter" with the eating disorder symbol along my wrist, I got this as I've been struggling again and I wanted to have something permanent that I can always see that will keep my mind on track and remind me what's important. It also helps me realize things will get better, bad days don't last. Hard times come and go and if you just keep trying things can get better.
Even though it could take years I won't stop fighting for my life, for my children's mothers life, for my parents daughters life, for my friends friends life, I will not stop. I deserve health, I deserve happiness and I deserve this opportunity to get better.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world begin given a gift by so so so many people. The donations from the smallest to the biggest, I can't even begin to express. It makes me burst into tears thinking about how many people rallied behind me to help me get better, to help me get my life back, to help raise awareness and to help me get healthy so I can help other people struggling. I am forever grateful for every single message, donation, any information anything you may have done, from sharing it or liking it so it showed up on others newsfeeds, every single bit if it counts because without it all I would not be where I am today, getting prepared to head off to treatment.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! My heart is filled with love ❤️❤️
I can never thank you all enough! Words don't express my gratitude!

and the ball starts rolling.... back up to healthy

Moving back to Nanaimo has been wonderful. It sure has been busy since I left Prince George. From TV News interviews, Radio Interviews, Newspaper Interviews, becoming a World Empowerment Artist, Starting a journey not only for myself but for thousands of people to look at and learn from, Being back with my daughter at my mothers house, visiting with my son more often, Starting my appointments with the team that I came to trust before I moved away... Its been hectic to say the least. Although its been a busy road this past few weeks I am so incredibly grateful that I decided to do this. It has opened me up to new ways of recovery. Changed my perspective on a lot more than just eating disorders. This journey has helped me start to spread my wings, I may not have them all the way out and I may not be quite ready to fly yet. I am most certainly on the right track. First I had an appointment with my main counselor, she decided to bring in the counselor I speak with at the walk in counselling so that they would be on the same page! That was wonderful I feel as if Mental Health is taking me more seriously since the exposure online and on TV. We made a plan which I am very happy about. I have made an appointment with my Family Doctor. which isnt until the 19th. They got me in as soon as they could. Like I have said many times before, it all takes time. Then I got a referal sent so I can get the same eating disorder psychiatrist that I had before I moved which is good because I felt comfortable with him. I will also be hearing from the dietician next week and will start weekly appointments with her to help me stay on track. Thursday, I started a group therapy I guess you could call it. It is three days a week and two hours long. It still scares me even though I have gone once already, although I think it will be really good for my recovery. Four days ago I vowed to my self that every day I would try really really hard to eat six mini meals. I feel like I have done pretty good so far. The re feeding process as they call it is pretty scary and anxiety ridden. It causes a lot of discomfort and pain. I also have to be extremely careful that  I do not eat to much because that can cause even more medical issues. I didnt really understand what anyone meant by that until I had actually eaten six meals in a day and I got a tight pulling feeling from my lower belly that went up into my chest, I get a stabbing feeling up my spine, through my legs and back into my back again. this is a constant ordeal every single day. My knees and legs tend to lock up most when going up stairs. The other day my left knee decided it just wasn't going to unbend for five minutes... Are you kidding me body? cut me some slack im trying to nourish you! I seriously feel like every time I turn around its time to eat again. My alarm goes off every hour on the hour and I have to eat within half an hour at the max an hour. Cannot go three hours during the day without having a mini meal or a snack. I feel like this is ridiculous to uphold, even though I know its for the best. I feel like I eat more than most and I probably do... which is a good thing. During eating disorder re feeding you will be eating alot more than others because you are trying to get your body back up to healthy. I hate the words "Weight  Restored". So instead Im going to use back up to healthy. For me its sounds a lot less intimidating. 

With all of this self/out patient recovery I have a lot less time to write blog posts ( sad face )

For every day updates or to follow my story more throughly than you can add my recovery facebook account by searching the name Jennifer Doucette on facebook or missjenniferdoucettesjourney on Instagram ! 

I just want to say how much I appreciate all of you who come back and read my blog or are here reading it for the first time Your support means the world to me and youve help me get this much closer to healthy and recovered, mentally and physically! 

YOU ARE A HUGE PART OF MY JOURNEY AND I COULDNT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU