I think maybe my life will always be a roller coaster. I will always have curve balls thrown my way. It's not a matter of a smooth path, just a matter of finding peace with the bumpy path I'm already on, learning to accept that life goes up and it comes back down again. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I see staring back at me.
I feel like I have been living trying to make the world proud of me, which has only resulted in failure. One reason is because you can't please every body, someone somewhere along the line is going to disagree with what you do, or is going to tell you your doing something wrong. It isn't about what those people want for you. It's about what you want for yourself, it's about making yourself proud, building a life you want to wake up for everyday. It isn't about pleasing the rest of the world. If you spend the rest of your life trying to please everyone else your going to live a very very unhappy life. You cannot make everyone happy, not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that's okay. You have to live to make yourself happy, your the one who has to wake up in your body and live your life, so why build a life based on what will make everyone else happy? Your the one living it, so start making choices that you want in life, that will bring you closer to where you want to be, take a stand for yourself, be selfish for 30 minutes a day.
You weren't born to make everyone else happy, you were born to live. To grow, to learn, to make mistakes and try again if it doesn't work the first time. To learn when is the right times to walk away and when is the right time to put the effort in to stay. It's about leaving the job that makes you unhappy and going for the one you've always dreamed of. Instead of saying I can't do that because of.... Whatever your excuse may be. Replace I can't, with I'm going to try anyways. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take as my dad always used to say.
Would you rather be eighty looking back at life going, man I wish I had done that, or said how I felt to that person, or just took the step and tried. Or would you rather be eighty looking back going I never gave up, I kept trying. I think it would feel a lot better to look back and be proud of all the different things you challenged yourself to, be proud of all the chances you did take, feel fulfilled in your life because you didn't not take the opportunity or the job you thought you couldn't handle.
Give yourself a chance, even if it's just a little one. Believe in yourself.
Your the only one who can truly look at themselves and say, you need to do this because no one is going to do it for you.
Maybe this new year is the time to start taking chances in my life, to start doing the things I talk about doing instead of just planning and talking about them, I need to stop with the "I can't" and start with the "I'm going to try anyways"
I would rather fail trying my best at something, then wish I had taken the chance and wonder for the rest of my life if I could have succeeded at whatever it may have been.
I asked my daughter the other day what she wanted to be when she grows up... After I asked the question my heart kinda sank for a minute. I thought to myself what if she says she wants to be just like me, what if I'm the one she looks up to and wants to be just like when she grows up. Right now that's really scary. I don't want my daughter on disability, anorexia and struggling for her life. I want her to succeed in every way of life, to finish school on time, to go to college if she wants, to find a job she enjoys, to be a independent young women, without the disorders, without the trauma, without the anorexia, without the pain I've been carrying around with me since I was four. I don't want her living with this feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, I want her to feel empowered, strong, confident and happy in her life.
As of right now, I am not setting a very good example. What so ever. That kills me. Deeply hurts me. I want to be the role model. The one she's dying to be just like, just not like this. Not broken and sad, the feeling of being unlovable. She doesn't deserve it. If I want my daughter to look up to a strong independent woman, I need to start being a strong independent woman, I need to start paving the path to show my daughter how to overcome obstacles and to continue on with life even when it feels unbearable.
At that moment when my heart sank, I realized that I needed to fix something. Not for anyone else but for me, because I don't want my daughter looking up to the person I am right now, I want her to look up to recovered Mommy, healthy Mommy, stable Mommy, working Mommy, The mommy who just wants to give her children the world!
The mommy who can give her children as much as she could possibly give. I need to make some changes for me. Not for my doctors, my parents, my family, my friends, not for my followers or the social media world. I need to do this for me. I deserve it. I deserve to feel confident in my skin again, I deserved to feel beautiful without feeling guilty about it. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE MYSELF. Even though society says otherwise. I am allowed to love my body. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE FOOD, without Ana screaming Everytime I go to grab something. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
Wednesday 31 December 2014
Saturday 20 December 2014
Let's help change the world
There is two different types of Anorexia. I didn't even realize I had this disease until I learn about the two types. One type is called Anorexia Binge and Purge Type and the second type is called Anorexia Restricting. Although they are different, they are both extremely dangerous, and potentially life threatening. Anorexia is a serious disease, wether your type restrictive or type binge and purge. The first time I am going to touch base with is Anorexia Binge and Purge type. I personally am not struggling with this type of anorexia. I have never purged before and I don't plan to. That doesn't mean it isn't as serious! That's why I am going to talk about both types and not just the one I am personally dealing with.
Anorexia Binge and Purge Type:
This type of anorexia is where someone would induce vomiting after eating. When they eat they get this sense of guilt, which leads to the purging. This can cause extreme damage to the digestive system, causing your oesophagus to burst because of the acid. Anorexia Binge and Purge is really terrifying. For both the person going through it and the people watching them go through it. The scariest part about this type of anorexia is that your food intake won't always stay in your body, which makes it really hard for your body to maintain health. It also makes it extremely difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Another way to purge is using laxatives, women sometimes take these to maintain a skinny figure. It causes your heart to work faster, your mind to work slower, your brain slows down, your skin starts to yellow, a thin layer of hairs grows along your skin, it's painful and scary. I can't imagine any women who is purging and happy about it, maybe there is. I've never experienced this type so I cannot say for sure exactly how the people are feeling while doing this, I can only imagine that they feel scared, lost and helpless. If we could just support recovery in this disease by encouraging recovery on social media, tv, just everywhere, like they do weight lose. We might just be able to change a few peoples lives! We might just be able to help make a girl not feel alone, feel strong enough to fight back, see that this can be openly talked about without hiding behind the computer screen, anorexia is not something to be ashamed of, but something to fight against and support recovery for! Let's show women with anorexia that they are beautiful and strong and that they deserve life too!
Now I'm going to get into Anorexia Restrictive Type. This may get emotional for me, and their may be a little more anger towards this type as I am struggling with it and seeing first hand how it affects my life and the lives around me.
Anorexia Restrictive Type:
Anorexia Restrictive is when the person will restrict the intake. Sometimes no intake at all goes into them at all. Mostly all the same health problems affect you, just not so much the oesophagus and digestive system. It's extremely painful. You loose hunger signs because you've been ignoring them so long. It's more of a tight knotting feeling in your upper stomach area, and Ana(anorexia) will just tell you that your sick or not feeling good. It's mind controlling, life consuming, world destroying, painful to go through and to watch, it's emotional and heartbreaking. Anorexia is a cold hearted bitch. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Ana will walk into your life with her head held high, Ana will start throwing storms this way and that way, Ana doesn't care that you have children, family and friends, Ana doesn't care that you want to get better mentally, physical and emotionally. Picking and poking and your mind, your body and the views you have of yourself and those around you. Ana sees someone you love trying to help you, so she's controls you to self destruct and rid your life of that person by literally being crazy. I've lost very close friends because of Ana. I may realize one day they were not friends at all but for now, I am going to use the anger I have of the lose of my close friends to fight for my life against Ana. Ana doesn't care that I want to be a mother to my children, she doesn't care that I almost lost my son while I carried him inside me, she doesn't care that she has taken over my life to the point of needing so much help I can't even recover around those I love.
I have had anorexia restrictive for many years now, and I had only accepted it earlier this year. I started connecting with a walk in counselling clinic in my town, and they helped me get a doctor, a pshycriatrist who specializes in eating disorder, a therapist and a dietician. During the times of getting this medical team set up, I had applied to a treatment center on an island away from everyone, I was denied after they put me through mental health counselling to see if it would work for me, they just kept telling me they wanted to do everything they could to keep me out of there. Stab. Right in the heart. I felt like they didn't believe me. I went to the hospital, to be admitted for anorexia. They wouldn't admit me, and honestly I don't really blame them. I wouldn't get the blood work because Ana was raging inside of me, I went to the hospital completely alone, so it was easy for Ana to take over and just walk out. I ripped up the prescription they gave me for vitamins because I didn't believe that taking a vitamin was going to make me any better. I had left and gone back three times. Being turned away every time, I was feeling like no one took me seriously, I felt like people didn't understand how serious this was, I felt like I just wanted to die. My parents felt like they couldn't help me, I felt like I'm to much for anyone to handle most days. I felt different and weird all the time. Did anyone understand me? Did anyone get how much I wanted help, hoe desperately I'm begging and pleaded for someone to just look me straight in the eyes and understand that I'm not evil, I'm not a horrible mother, I am not a monster. I am a broken and lost girl. I feel scared for myself and my children a lot. I couldn't imagine them having to live their lives without me. I am not a bad friend, I am not this person I've portrayed myself to me. Ana has taken over me, Ana has destroyed my life in many many ways. I lost who I am along the way, because I know I can be a great mother to my children. At age 15 I gave up drinking and partying I replaced it with cooking classes, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes, I went to school full time and then after Bella was born I went back to work full time when she was just six months old, while still attending school. I was striving in my life, on track to graduate on time. Then my relationships in my house started to slip, I started to drink more often and eventually I got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. Something I am in no way proud of. I am extremely ashamed of that day. I went to live with my dad and ending up Coming back only a few weeks later, only to find out I was pregnant again. At age 17, with an already 16 month old baby girl, while attending school. During all of this time, Ana was sneaking into my life. I started to restrict meals, and sometimes I would realize at 11pm I hadn't eaten yet. I struggled with Ana during my pregnancy with my son which is why I almost lost him. I eventually got kicked out of school for fighting and being arrested on grounds. Which made it so I couldn't graduate on time.
My life for two year was litterally over taken by Ana. Completely. I care about the ones I love, although Ana doesn't. Which turns to me loosing a lot of close people..
Anorexia restrictive is horrible, heart breaking, emotional, world destroying and absolutely just painful to be stuck in.
It is not a fad, a fashion statement or a lifestyle. Anorexia is a disease. A life threatening, world destroying, mind controlling, just like cancer disease.
Take it seriously. Support recovery.
You wouldn't want to be watching someone you love go through this and I know for damn sure you wouldn't want to be dealing with this. Help someone not feel alone. Reach out to even just one person and tell them your proud of them. Honestly it means the absolute world to me when people reach out and encourage me, it makes me feel strong not weak anymore, it makes me feel supported not alone anymore, it makes me feel like someone believes in me, even if it's just for a hour, or even just for a moment, it helps so much!
Educate to eliminate.
"No matter what we do we will never be able to change everyone mind about any disease. But if we can change that one kids mind, we can change the world!" - Kourtney Egan
A friend posted this on my page the other day and it really stuck with me.
It's important to remember that we aren't going to be able to change all the minds, but if we can start young and change the children's views we can change the world!
Anorexia Binge and Purge Type:
This type of anorexia is where someone would induce vomiting after eating. When they eat they get this sense of guilt, which leads to the purging. This can cause extreme damage to the digestive system, causing your oesophagus to burst because of the acid. Anorexia Binge and Purge is really terrifying. For both the person going through it and the people watching them go through it. The scariest part about this type of anorexia is that your food intake won't always stay in your body, which makes it really hard for your body to maintain health. It also makes it extremely difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Another way to purge is using laxatives, women sometimes take these to maintain a skinny figure. It causes your heart to work faster, your mind to work slower, your brain slows down, your skin starts to yellow, a thin layer of hairs grows along your skin, it's painful and scary. I can't imagine any women who is purging and happy about it, maybe there is. I've never experienced this type so I cannot say for sure exactly how the people are feeling while doing this, I can only imagine that they feel scared, lost and helpless. If we could just support recovery in this disease by encouraging recovery on social media, tv, just everywhere, like they do weight lose. We might just be able to change a few peoples lives! We might just be able to help make a girl not feel alone, feel strong enough to fight back, see that this can be openly talked about without hiding behind the computer screen, anorexia is not something to be ashamed of, but something to fight against and support recovery for! Let's show women with anorexia that they are beautiful and strong and that they deserve life too!
Now I'm going to get into Anorexia Restrictive Type. This may get emotional for me, and their may be a little more anger towards this type as I am struggling with it and seeing first hand how it affects my life and the lives around me.
Anorexia Restrictive Type:
Anorexia Restrictive is when the person will restrict the intake. Sometimes no intake at all goes into them at all. Mostly all the same health problems affect you, just not so much the oesophagus and digestive system. It's extremely painful. You loose hunger signs because you've been ignoring them so long. It's more of a tight knotting feeling in your upper stomach area, and Ana(anorexia) will just tell you that your sick or not feeling good. It's mind controlling, life consuming, world destroying, painful to go through and to watch, it's emotional and heartbreaking. Anorexia is a cold hearted bitch. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Ana will walk into your life with her head held high, Ana will start throwing storms this way and that way, Ana doesn't care that you have children, family and friends, Ana doesn't care that you want to get better mentally, physical and emotionally. Picking and poking and your mind, your body and the views you have of yourself and those around you. Ana sees someone you love trying to help you, so she's controls you to self destruct and rid your life of that person by literally being crazy. I've lost very close friends because of Ana. I may realize one day they were not friends at all but for now, I am going to use the anger I have of the lose of my close friends to fight for my life against Ana. Ana doesn't care that I want to be a mother to my children, she doesn't care that I almost lost my son while I carried him inside me, she doesn't care that she has taken over my life to the point of needing so much help I can't even recover around those I love.
I have had anorexia restrictive for many years now, and I had only accepted it earlier this year. I started connecting with a walk in counselling clinic in my town, and they helped me get a doctor, a pshycriatrist who specializes in eating disorder, a therapist and a dietician. During the times of getting this medical team set up, I had applied to a treatment center on an island away from everyone, I was denied after they put me through mental health counselling to see if it would work for me, they just kept telling me they wanted to do everything they could to keep me out of there. Stab. Right in the heart. I felt like they didn't believe me. I went to the hospital, to be admitted for anorexia. They wouldn't admit me, and honestly I don't really blame them. I wouldn't get the blood work because Ana was raging inside of me, I went to the hospital completely alone, so it was easy for Ana to take over and just walk out. I ripped up the prescription they gave me for vitamins because I didn't believe that taking a vitamin was going to make me any better. I had left and gone back three times. Being turned away every time, I was feeling like no one took me seriously, I felt like people didn't understand how serious this was, I felt like I just wanted to die. My parents felt like they couldn't help me, I felt like I'm to much for anyone to handle most days. I felt different and weird all the time. Did anyone understand me? Did anyone get how much I wanted help, hoe desperately I'm begging and pleaded for someone to just look me straight in the eyes and understand that I'm not evil, I'm not a horrible mother, I am not a monster. I am a broken and lost girl. I feel scared for myself and my children a lot. I couldn't imagine them having to live their lives without me. I am not a bad friend, I am not this person I've portrayed myself to me. Ana has taken over me, Ana has destroyed my life in many many ways. I lost who I am along the way, because I know I can be a great mother to my children. At age 15 I gave up drinking and partying I replaced it with cooking classes, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes, I went to school full time and then after Bella was born I went back to work full time when she was just six months old, while still attending school. I was striving in my life, on track to graduate on time. Then my relationships in my house started to slip, I started to drink more often and eventually I got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. Something I am in no way proud of. I am extremely ashamed of that day. I went to live with my dad and ending up Coming back only a few weeks later, only to find out I was pregnant again. At age 17, with an already 16 month old baby girl, while attending school. During all of this time, Ana was sneaking into my life. I started to restrict meals, and sometimes I would realize at 11pm I hadn't eaten yet. I struggled with Ana during my pregnancy with my son which is why I almost lost him. I eventually got kicked out of school for fighting and being arrested on grounds. Which made it so I couldn't graduate on time.
My life for two year was litterally over taken by Ana. Completely. I care about the ones I love, although Ana doesn't. Which turns to me loosing a lot of close people..
Anorexia restrictive is horrible, heart breaking, emotional, world destroying and absolutely just painful to be stuck in.
It is not a fad, a fashion statement or a lifestyle. Anorexia is a disease. A life threatening, world destroying, mind controlling, just like cancer disease.
Take it seriously. Support recovery.
You wouldn't want to be watching someone you love go through this and I know for damn sure you wouldn't want to be dealing with this. Help someone not feel alone. Reach out to even just one person and tell them your proud of them. Honestly it means the absolute world to me when people reach out and encourage me, it makes me feel strong not weak anymore, it makes me feel supported not alone anymore, it makes me feel like someone believes in me, even if it's just for a hour, or even just for a moment, it helps so much!
Educate to eliminate.
"No matter what we do we will never be able to change everyone mind about any disease. But if we can change that one kids mind, we can change the world!" - Kourtney Egan
A friend posted this on my page the other day and it really stuck with me.
It's important to remember that we aren't going to be able to change all the minds, but if we can start young and change the children's views we can change the world!
Wednesday 17 December 2014
Let's educate not discriminate!
Do you remember being in middle school or high school? Do you remember that really skinny girl, whom you used to call anorexic? Do you remember that you used that word as an insult, like it's the word "asshole". Do you remember throwing that word around like it wasn't hurtful? Do you remember how when you were in middle school or high school, how it was gross to be anorexic?
We need to start teaching our children the seriousness of this disease. We need to empower them to love their bodies of all shapes and sizes. We need to start being more aware of how not being educated on this can be harmful for our children. Anorexia is not gross.. It is scary, horrifying, mind controlling, selfish, unstable, emotional.. Anorexia otherwise known as "Ana" is a very serious disease. We need to teach our children that anorexia is in a way like cancer. It doesn't just go away, it can't be fixed with medication. Ana is a bitch. She's a cold hearted life taking bitch. She will walk into your life head high, and just start the storms, she will wreck everything and everyone who tries to stand in her way. She will control your thinking your eating your motivations she is haunting you every single day. Ana does not just disappear because you don't want to be anorexic. If that were so I would not be anorexic. Ana is serious. It is dangerous. It is life taking. Ana puts your body into something called "slow gear". Slow gear is when your mind slows down, your heart works faster to try and keep moving, your organs start slowing down, your hunger signs disappear. Your muscle start to spazz, you loose the fluids between your bones, it causes a lot of pain, bones become achy, you get a soft layer of thin hairs along your body, your skin starts to yellow. Ana is absolutely devastating to watch someone go through, it's even more devastating to go through.
I have lost friends, I have torn apart lives, including my own, I have lost my children, been arrested four times and charged four times aswell.. Ana has taken my life over completely, I started to literally look death in the face. I tried to be admitted into hospital, I tried to apply for inpatient treatment at two different locations. I absolutely felt helpless, I felt hopeless, insecure, I felt like the professional medical world had given up in me, I felt like my family had given up on me because Ana made me believe they did, I felt like my friends were out to get me, or not good friends at all. I was falling apart at every seam, every part of me was screaming for help like no one has ever screamed before, and it felt like no one heard me. I felt like a little ant on the ground who just couldn't get the humans to hear her, screaming louder, wrecking more havoc, ruining my life more and more each day, screaming louder, breaking friendships, screaming so loud I thought the world would be able to hear me, I was screaming in all the wrong ways, Ana had my life by her reins and she was winning. Ana is scary. She is a destroyer of lives, families, innocent women and men. A destroyer of everything in her path.
could I ever scream loud enough for those around me to hear.. Everytime I drive by a large field, I imagine running out with all my might into the middle and literally just screaming at the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore!! Would they hear me then? Would they see me begging for help? Would their views of me change? Would anorexia still be an insult to them? Would it still be gross, that I'm starving myself because I can't control it?
We need to teach our children about the affects of anorexia. We need to educate to eliminate!
It is not a lifestyle choice, a fad or a fucking fashion statement. Ana is an evil bitch and the less you know the better she can get you.
Let's educate not discriminate!
Be more aware of what your saying and how it affects the person your saying it too. My whole life I was called anorexic for being underweight. I told myself I would never be. Honestly I didn't even think I was, until I learned about anorexia and the different types it has. Type Restrictive is the type that I am struggling with. I do not purge. If you don't understand what purge means, don't feel ridiculous I didn't know what it meant either, purging is throwing up. I restrict my food intake. Literally starve myself.
I don't have a desire to be thinner. I did not get this disorder because I wanted to be skinnier. I lost control of my life. I felt like I couldn't control any aspect of my life, and that's when Ana walked into my life, head high, ego high. Ana completely took over! I controlled my food because I couldn't control my life. Little did I know. That was Ana. So viciously starting to take over my life!
I am grateful for those who've supported my recovery, I am more than grateful for those who stuck me through it all, through the rage, through the storm, through the life destruction, I am thankful for those who have forgiven me for my mistakes.
I am grateful I gained enough courage to realize I need help and to start fighting against Ana. I will win. This bitch can't take me. I am stronger, I have children to live for and many years to see still! I am not done living my life.
So I say screw you Ana! I will day by day, little by little, change the way I let you control my life, one day you will be dead to me and you will not live in my mind any longer, one day I will have slowly and viciously killed you, because you can't take my life you are not allowed to have my life. I deserve better than you, I hate you!
THIS IS MY FIGHT AND I AM GOING TO WIN!
We need to start teaching our children the seriousness of this disease. We need to empower them to love their bodies of all shapes and sizes. We need to start being more aware of how not being educated on this can be harmful for our children. Anorexia is not gross.. It is scary, horrifying, mind controlling, selfish, unstable, emotional.. Anorexia otherwise known as "Ana" is a very serious disease. We need to teach our children that anorexia is in a way like cancer. It doesn't just go away, it can't be fixed with medication. Ana is a bitch. She's a cold hearted life taking bitch. She will walk into your life head high, and just start the storms, she will wreck everything and everyone who tries to stand in her way. She will control your thinking your eating your motivations she is haunting you every single day. Ana does not just disappear because you don't want to be anorexic. If that were so I would not be anorexic. Ana is serious. It is dangerous. It is life taking. Ana puts your body into something called "slow gear". Slow gear is when your mind slows down, your heart works faster to try and keep moving, your organs start slowing down, your hunger signs disappear. Your muscle start to spazz, you loose the fluids between your bones, it causes a lot of pain, bones become achy, you get a soft layer of thin hairs along your body, your skin starts to yellow. Ana is absolutely devastating to watch someone go through, it's even more devastating to go through.
I have lost friends, I have torn apart lives, including my own, I have lost my children, been arrested four times and charged four times aswell.. Ana has taken my life over completely, I started to literally look death in the face. I tried to be admitted into hospital, I tried to apply for inpatient treatment at two different locations. I absolutely felt helpless, I felt hopeless, insecure, I felt like the professional medical world had given up in me, I felt like my family had given up on me because Ana made me believe they did, I felt like my friends were out to get me, or not good friends at all. I was falling apart at every seam, every part of me was screaming for help like no one has ever screamed before, and it felt like no one heard me. I felt like a little ant on the ground who just couldn't get the humans to hear her, screaming louder, wrecking more havoc, ruining my life more and more each day, screaming louder, breaking friendships, screaming so loud I thought the world would be able to hear me, I was screaming in all the wrong ways, Ana had my life by her reins and she was winning. Ana is scary. She is a destroyer of lives, families, innocent women and men. A destroyer of everything in her path.
could I ever scream loud enough for those around me to hear.. Everytime I drive by a large field, I imagine running out with all my might into the middle and literally just screaming at the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore!! Would they hear me then? Would they see me begging for help? Would their views of me change? Would anorexia still be an insult to them? Would it still be gross, that I'm starving myself because I can't control it?
We need to teach our children about the affects of anorexia. We need to educate to eliminate!
It is not a lifestyle choice, a fad or a fucking fashion statement. Ana is an evil bitch and the less you know the better she can get you.
Let's educate not discriminate!
Be more aware of what your saying and how it affects the person your saying it too. My whole life I was called anorexic for being underweight. I told myself I would never be. Honestly I didn't even think I was, until I learned about anorexia and the different types it has. Type Restrictive is the type that I am struggling with. I do not purge. If you don't understand what purge means, don't feel ridiculous I didn't know what it meant either, purging is throwing up. I restrict my food intake. Literally starve myself.
I don't have a desire to be thinner. I did not get this disorder because I wanted to be skinnier. I lost control of my life. I felt like I couldn't control any aspect of my life, and that's when Ana walked into my life, head high, ego high. Ana completely took over! I controlled my food because I couldn't control my life. Little did I know. That was Ana. So viciously starting to take over my life!
I am grateful for those who've supported my recovery, I am more than grateful for those who stuck me through it all, through the rage, through the storm, through the life destruction, I am thankful for those who have forgiven me for my mistakes.
I am grateful I gained enough courage to realize I need help and to start fighting against Ana. I will win. This bitch can't take me. I am stronger, I have children to live for and many years to see still! I am not done living my life.
So I say screw you Ana! I will day by day, little by little, change the way I let you control my life, one day you will be dead to me and you will not live in my mind any longer, one day I will have slowly and viciously killed you, because you can't take my life you are not allowed to have my life. I deserve better than you, I hate you!
THIS IS MY FIGHT AND I AM GOING TO WIN!
Monday 15 December 2014
let's promote weight gain and weight lose instead of just weight lose
"Do you want to gain weight?" " try these new weight lost pills" "work out you'll loose weight" "pfft, being over weight has so many more health issues than being underweight" "try this wrap to loose weight" "do you want to be 5 sizes smaller?"
Tabloids, magazines, tv's, social media etc, it's everywhere.
First off I am going to start off with how important weight loose is for those who are overweight, I completely respect that and understand that.
What about the people who want to gain weight? What about advertising the problems that being underweight consists of as well as the problems of being overweight. Do not get me wrong I am in no way trying to take away from the importance of weight lost and the importance of health for EVERYONE!
Did you know that anorexia nervosa type restrictive is actually in reality starving yourself. When you starve your body it can cause damage to viral organs, including your heart and your brain.
Your body starts to go slower trying to protect itself. Not having very much body fat leads to having lower body temperatures and making it harder to withstand the cold, and to become warm after getting cold. Mild anemia, swollen joints, reduced muscle mass, and light-headedness also commonly occur in anorexic individuals. I've suffered from locked bones and joints, my hips will lock up, my ribs get stuck on each other and move slightly, my hips and knees will randomly give out. Upon standing I get very dizzy, my heart sometimes will just start racing while I'm just sitting there. Especially when I'm walking or doing something like lifting or moving something. My hair falls out in large amounts when I shower. Anorexia is the scariest more terrifying thing I have ever encountered. It's slowly been taking my life. Why can't there be pictures everywhere plastered about how to gain weight and how to get to a healthy weight for yourself?
I understand there is always going to be weight lose pictures, advertisements and whatever else, could the world maybe start throwing in more for the other side too?!
Anorexia, otherwise known as Ana, comes into your life, and completely takes over, slowly or fast, in small doses or in a huge Big Bang, no matter how Ana comes into your life, she's scary. No matter how severe it is, it's scary. No matter if your not even underweight yet, and Ana has just arrived, it's scary.
I don't want to slowly kill myself.. I don't want to do this, I don't want my children to watch me go through this and struggle and be away because I need help..
Underweight is seriously unhealthy, as is overweight.
People need to stop thinking that being skinny fixes everything and there is no health issues with it, because there is, many many health problems. Anorexia is suicide.
Anorexia is not a fucking lifestyle (sorry about my language there) it is a disease, an evil conniving bitch that creeps in and destroys everything in her path, Ana wants to see you die, Ana doesn't want to see you get healthy, because then there is no more Ana.
But Ana can go fuck herself, she can kindly walk the hell out of my life, she can watch me fight for my life, and SHE CAN WATCH ME WIN!
Take this disease seriously! If you know someone are someone or are becoming someone with Ana, Ed or Bulimia! You are not alone! You are beautiful! You are strong and I believe in every single one of you!
Tabloids, magazines, tv's, social media etc, it's everywhere.
First off I am going to start off with how important weight loose is for those who are overweight, I completely respect that and understand that.
What about the people who want to gain weight? What about advertising the problems that being underweight consists of as well as the problems of being overweight. Do not get me wrong I am in no way trying to take away from the importance of weight lost and the importance of health for EVERYONE!
Did you know that anorexia nervosa type restrictive is actually in reality starving yourself. When you starve your body it can cause damage to viral organs, including your heart and your brain.
Your body starts to go slower trying to protect itself. Not having very much body fat leads to having lower body temperatures and making it harder to withstand the cold, and to become warm after getting cold. Mild anemia, swollen joints, reduced muscle mass, and light-headedness also commonly occur in anorexic individuals. I've suffered from locked bones and joints, my hips will lock up, my ribs get stuck on each other and move slightly, my hips and knees will randomly give out. Upon standing I get very dizzy, my heart sometimes will just start racing while I'm just sitting there. Especially when I'm walking or doing something like lifting or moving something. My hair falls out in large amounts when I shower. Anorexia is the scariest more terrifying thing I have ever encountered. It's slowly been taking my life. Why can't there be pictures everywhere plastered about how to gain weight and how to get to a healthy weight for yourself?
I understand there is always going to be weight lose pictures, advertisements and whatever else, could the world maybe start throwing in more for the other side too?!
Anorexia, otherwise known as Ana, comes into your life, and completely takes over, slowly or fast, in small doses or in a huge Big Bang, no matter how Ana comes into your life, she's scary. No matter how severe it is, it's scary. No matter if your not even underweight yet, and Ana has just arrived, it's scary.
I don't want to slowly kill myself.. I don't want to do this, I don't want my children to watch me go through this and struggle and be away because I need help..
Underweight is seriously unhealthy, as is overweight.
People need to stop thinking that being skinny fixes everything and there is no health issues with it, because there is, many many health problems. Anorexia is suicide.
Anorexia is not a fucking lifestyle (sorry about my language there) it is a disease, an evil conniving bitch that creeps in and destroys everything in her path, Ana wants to see you die, Ana doesn't want to see you get healthy, because then there is no more Ana.
But Ana can go fuck herself, she can kindly walk the hell out of my life, she can watch me fight for my life, and SHE CAN WATCH ME WIN!
Take this disease seriously! If you know someone are someone or are becoming someone with Ana, Ed or Bulimia! You are not alone! You are beautiful! You are strong and I believe in every single one of you!
Sunday 7 December 2014
IM TAKING MY LIFE BACK
It's time that I let go of all of the negative memories from my past I'm holding into. It's time to focus on the present and the future. It's time to grow up. It's time to really do this. The only thing holding me back is me, and that kills me. The hardest part of all of this is I'm fighting with myself to get better and no one can do anything for me but myself. It's time to let go of the fact I can't parent my children right now, it's time to let go, they are happy healthy and stable and it's more than I could ever ask for, so from now on, I am letting go of any negative memories that I'm holding on to surrounding my kids and their situation, it's time I forgive myself, it's time I realize that I can't help them until I help myself. It's time to let go of the hatred I feel towards myself for "failing" as a parent, I need to let go of the fact that I feel I failed, because I didn't fail. It's time to feel worth again, it's time for me to take my life back, not to take it back and become someone I used to be. To take it back by accepting what's happened, accept the situations in life as they are and let go of the resentment u have built up so deep.
Today, I let go of my past. Today, I accept my faults. Today, I am telling myself and the world that I am worthy, I am deserving of life and I am telling myself that everything will be okay.
Today, I stop looking back on negative times, negative memories and negative thoughts.
Today, I am forgiving myself for the faults I've made, I am forgiving myself for the choices I've made, I am forgiving myself for everything that's happened.
Today I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!
Today, will be the day!
Today is MY day!
And tomorrow, I will do the same
Today, I let go of my past. Today, I accept my faults. Today, I am telling myself and the world that I am worthy, I am deserving of life and I am telling myself that everything will be okay.
Today, I stop looking back on negative times, negative memories and negative thoughts.
Today, I am forgiving myself for the faults I've made, I am forgiving myself for the choices I've made, I am forgiving myself for everything that's happened.
Today I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!
Today, will be the day!
Today is MY day!
And tomorrow, I will do the same
Saturday 29 November 2014
A message to my children
Something is hurting me and I need to get it off my chest.
I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.
I'm sure missing my kids lately.. Feel empty being so far from them. I know it's the best thing right now but why does it have to be so hard.. It hurts so much.
This is a message for my kids.
I'm sorry that mommy couldn't be there to watch you learn and grow. I'm sorry we couldn't bond the way most mothers do. I'm sorry that I've failed you to give you a mother to look up to. I'm sorry if you feel I have given up on you. I'm sorry to my daughter for seeing everything she has seen, hearing the things she's heard and just being in the presence of so much that she shouldn't have been. I'm sorry to my son, for my taking care of my self and my body while I held you inside of me, I'm sorry that because of that you now have had bronchitis a few times. I'm sorry that I failed to bond with you when you were born, I am so so sorry I failed to last more than three weeks as a full time mother of two. It breaks my heart. I know this all affects you, how you see family, parents and life in general. I know that you didn't choose this way of life. I am sorry that I can't be there. I am sorry that I'm harmful to your environments right now. You mean everything to me and I wish more than words can explain that I could have bonded with you, raised you, watched you grow, sang songs with you, discovered your likes and dislikes, adventures and playtime the good times and the bad, I'm sorry that I've failed you.
My children. You two are the most beautiful human begins to ever come into my life, I am honoured and blessed to be privileged enough to be called your mother. I'm sorry that I've put you in separate homes, where you are being raised apart. I am sorry to my daughter for not having her father, I wish more than anything that you could have both parents raising you in the most wonderful way.
I am sorry I have failed the promises I made while I carried you inside me, I am sorry that I couldn't take it. I am so sorry that I let life come in the way of me and you. I am sorry that I'm not there. I am sorry that I couldn't hold you when you hurt and cuddle you to bed at night.
My babies. I love you. More than you will ever know.
From your Mommy, I am Sorry.
I hope that one day, it doesn't have to be this way. I hope that I can get better, and this will all be the past. I hope one day I can be there.
I miss you, my heart is breaking
I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.
I'm sure missing my kids lately.. Feel empty being so far from them. I know it's the best thing right now but why does it have to be so hard.. It hurts so much.
This is a message for my kids.
I'm sorry that mommy couldn't be there to watch you learn and grow. I'm sorry we couldn't bond the way most mothers do. I'm sorry that I've failed you to give you a mother to look up to. I'm sorry if you feel I have given up on you. I'm sorry to my daughter for seeing everything she has seen, hearing the things she's heard and just being in the presence of so much that she shouldn't have been. I'm sorry to my son, for my taking care of my self and my body while I held you inside of me, I'm sorry that because of that you now have had bronchitis a few times. I'm sorry that I failed to bond with you when you were born, I am so so sorry I failed to last more than three weeks as a full time mother of two. It breaks my heart. I know this all affects you, how you see family, parents and life in general. I know that you didn't choose this way of life. I am sorry that I can't be there. I am sorry that I'm harmful to your environments right now. You mean everything to me and I wish more than words can explain that I could have bonded with you, raised you, watched you grow, sang songs with you, discovered your likes and dislikes, adventures and playtime the good times and the bad, I'm sorry that I've failed you.
My children. You two are the most beautiful human begins to ever come into my life, I am honoured and blessed to be privileged enough to be called your mother. I'm sorry that I've put you in separate homes, where you are being raised apart. I am sorry to my daughter for not having her father, I wish more than anything that you could have both parents raising you in the most wonderful way.
I am sorry I have failed the promises I made while I carried you inside me, I am sorry that I couldn't take it. I am so sorry that I let life come in the way of me and you. I am sorry that I'm not there. I am sorry that I couldn't hold you when you hurt and cuddle you to bed at night.
My babies. I love you. More than you will ever know.
From your Mommy, I am Sorry.
I hope that one day, it doesn't have to be this way. I hope that I can get better, and this will all be the past. I hope one day I can be there.
I miss you, my heart is breaking
Wednesday 26 November 2014
5 things girls with anorexia or eating Disoders are tired of hearing
Do you know someone who's struggling with anorexia/ED? Do you live with someone who's struggling every day? Are you someone struggling everyday? Anorexia/ED can be very heartbreaking for those going through it and those around someone going through it. It's not only scary to live, but extremely scary to watch someone go through. My heart goes out to all those struggling with it, and to all those trying to help someone struggling with it and to all those people who feel helpless watching someone go through it. I know it's not easy, so here's a few little tips that might help recovery in your own life, home or support groups a little bit easier.
These are a few little things that really get to me, I also see it frustrate a lot of people I know with anorexia.
1. "Just Eat"
This is probably the worst thing you can say to someone with an eating disorder. Telling someone with anorexia or ED to "just eat" doesn't make them want to eat.. It makes them not want to even more than they already don't want to.
2. "So to get better you just need to eat"
Actually, not quite. Yes eating is a huge part of anorexia recovery. It's also about reprogramming your brain, it's about getting your stomach back to the size it should be, it's about overcoming all of the health issues that you've gotten because of anorexia/ED. It's about being able to have a daily routine without feeling guilty about it. It is about eating, to a degree, it's also about your mental state and how you see yourself.
3. "Stop being so picky"
This one really gets to me. I am not trying to be picky, I don't want to be picky.. I just have issues with food right now and struggle ridiculously to even eat the foods I absolutely love, please cut us some slack during the first long while of our recovery.
4. "You need to eat more"
Actually, I need to eat consistently. Your not my doctor, your not my nurse, your not my dietician and your not my counsellor. So how about instead of telling someone they need to eat more, encourage them. Instead of "you need to eat more" maybe try something like "great job keep up the great work, bigger meals will come with time"
Nothing happens over night, and I know a lot of people with anorexia/ED that feel really terrible about themselves when their told to "eat more". During anorexia recovery we are trying really really hard. Please encourage, don't discourage!
5. "Your so skinny"
Most women with anorexia don't realize how skinny they actually look. Telling them their skinny is only going to make that worse, because they don't see skinny in the mirror. They see thighs and tummy and fat, they see someone else completely. Telling someone with ED their skinny can be very very bad for their recovery and their body image.
I hope that maybe even just these few little things can help someone's recovery, even if it's in the smallest ways!
These are a few little things that really get to me, I also see it frustrate a lot of people I know with anorexia.
1. "Just Eat"
This is probably the worst thing you can say to someone with an eating disorder. Telling someone with anorexia or ED to "just eat" doesn't make them want to eat.. It makes them not want to even more than they already don't want to.
2. "So to get better you just need to eat"
Actually, not quite. Yes eating is a huge part of anorexia recovery. It's also about reprogramming your brain, it's about getting your stomach back to the size it should be, it's about overcoming all of the health issues that you've gotten because of anorexia/ED. It's about being able to have a daily routine without feeling guilty about it. It is about eating, to a degree, it's also about your mental state and how you see yourself.
3. "Stop being so picky"
This one really gets to me. I am not trying to be picky, I don't want to be picky.. I just have issues with food right now and struggle ridiculously to even eat the foods I absolutely love, please cut us some slack during the first long while of our recovery.
4. "You need to eat more"
Actually, I need to eat consistently. Your not my doctor, your not my nurse, your not my dietician and your not my counsellor. So how about instead of telling someone they need to eat more, encourage them. Instead of "you need to eat more" maybe try something like "great job keep up the great work, bigger meals will come with time"
Nothing happens over night, and I know a lot of people with anorexia/ED that feel really terrible about themselves when their told to "eat more". During anorexia recovery we are trying really really hard. Please encourage, don't discourage!
5. "Your so skinny"
Most women with anorexia don't realize how skinny they actually look. Telling them their skinny is only going to make that worse, because they don't see skinny in the mirror. They see thighs and tummy and fat, they see someone else completely. Telling someone with ED their skinny can be very very bad for their recovery and their body image.
I hope that maybe even just these few little things can help someone's recovery, even if it's in the smallest ways!
Saturday 22 November 2014
Tired of it all
I've actually been dreading writing this blog post, it's about time I do though.
Most days I find it hard to try. I find myself feeling hopeless, instead of angry at anorexia. I was given a meal plan a few weeks ago, which I've been having a hard time following. Going back to the island was a whole set a triggers for my anorexia. I came back feeling pretty crappy about how much I went off track while I was away. Im supposed to eat three meals a day with an ensure in the morning with my vitamins and an ensure before bed, plus a snack. And I can't even barely seem to eat two meals, lately I've been not wanting my ensures... And I just feel out of control again.. My muscle spasms have come back and they've gotten pretty painful, they never jerked my body this much before, I hate it. My jaw is beginning to hurt again.. Why can't all of that be motivation for me..?
Most days I just feel sad and empty at anorexia, I don't feel angry anymore like I can take my life back, that scares me. At least when I was angry, I was motivated.
I have seen stories and been told that people recover and that's great for them... I also see people who die a slow painful death.. It really gets me emotional trying to figure out which one I'm going to end up being...
I don't know what else I can do..
I've done meal planning, meal prepping, I've put alarms on my phone to tell me I need to eat.. I have a meal plan. A supportive man encouraging me.. And I can't seem to just buck up and do it.. Why does it have to be so hard..? Why can't I have my life back... I hate anorexia, and what it's done to me. I hate how it's changed the way I think and feel, about myself and others around me. I hate the burden it's put on my family and friends, I hate that it could take me from my children forever... I hate it. With all my heart. I want to Squash it like a little bug, but you can't squash it because it's not a little bug, remember it's a satan. Battling satan, the devil, your own inner demon.. How in the fuck am I supposed to fight something within myself.?
I'm scared that it's going to take over my life completely again and have me bed ridden..
I'm tired of fighting, I'm just so tired..
Most days I find it hard to try. I find myself feeling hopeless, instead of angry at anorexia. I was given a meal plan a few weeks ago, which I've been having a hard time following. Going back to the island was a whole set a triggers for my anorexia. I came back feeling pretty crappy about how much I went off track while I was away. Im supposed to eat three meals a day with an ensure in the morning with my vitamins and an ensure before bed, plus a snack. And I can't even barely seem to eat two meals, lately I've been not wanting my ensures... And I just feel out of control again.. My muscle spasms have come back and they've gotten pretty painful, they never jerked my body this much before, I hate it. My jaw is beginning to hurt again.. Why can't all of that be motivation for me..?
Most days I just feel sad and empty at anorexia, I don't feel angry anymore like I can take my life back, that scares me. At least when I was angry, I was motivated.
I have seen stories and been told that people recover and that's great for them... I also see people who die a slow painful death.. It really gets me emotional trying to figure out which one I'm going to end up being...
I don't know what else I can do..
I've done meal planning, meal prepping, I've put alarms on my phone to tell me I need to eat.. I have a meal plan. A supportive man encouraging me.. And I can't seem to just buck up and do it.. Why does it have to be so hard..? Why can't I have my life back... I hate anorexia, and what it's done to me. I hate how it's changed the way I think and feel, about myself and others around me. I hate the burden it's put on my family and friends, I hate that it could take me from my children forever... I hate it. With all my heart. I want to Squash it like a little bug, but you can't squash it because it's not a little bug, remember it's a satan. Battling satan, the devil, your own inner demon.. How in the fuck am I supposed to fight something within myself.?
I'm scared that it's going to take over my life completely again and have me bed ridden..
I'm tired of fighting, I'm just so tired..
Monday 17 November 2014
We are all equal! Let's lift eachother up, instead of putting eachother down!
Weight... Size... Shape....
We all deal with it. A lot of us struggle with it. Wether your overweight, the "right" weight or under weight. Everyone has a story, everyone is human and everyone goes through struggles.
Maybe your 350lbs and trying to lose weight, maybe you struggle to not eat the foods that aren't so good for your weight loss, or maybe you just hate working out, or maybe your 69 pounds and fighting to gain weight. Maybe your at a good weight but you want to tone your body. Maybe your just a person in the world like everyone else. Maybe just maybe if we stopped for a moment and stopped competing with one another, we could empower one another, we could encourage eachother and lift eachother up.
Maybe your not someone who's struggle, but maybe you know someone who is.. It's hard to be the person struggling, But it's also really hard to watch someone struggling and knowing there is nothing that anyone can do but them.
Maybe your overweight and you like your body, maybe your underweight and you like your body, maybe your at the "right" weight and you like your body. Does that make you coincided? No! Absolutely not. You are completely allowed to love yourself, your body and the image you see in the mirror. It doesn't make you "better" than anyone and it doesn't make you "worse" it makes you human. Just as the people who don't like their bodies, it doesn't make them any less of people. It also doesn't make them better either. We are all humans, were all equal. Is it so hard to empower and lift someone up? I feel like it takes a lot more energy to hate then to love.
I see a lot online about men only liking women with curves, or men don't like bones only dogs, I seen something today about how apparently if your skinny you think your better than everyone else...
So here is to all those people who think just because girls are skinny they think their better.
A lot of women don't choose to be skinny, a lot of women are naturally built that way, a lot of women have eating Disoders which causes them to loose weight and become very skinny. Such as myself.
Yes I am skinny, yes I am 95pounds. Do I feel like I'm better than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel like I deserve more than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel higher up than everyone else? NOOOOOO! Do I look down on bigger women? NOOOO! Do I think bigger women think they think their better than me ? NOOOO!
I didn't choose anorexia, I didn't choose to be skinny... So next time you want to judge someone because they are skinny, or bigger. Think twice.
If you were struggling and you needed to be uplifted and someone came over and told you how stupid and ugly you were and that you thought you were better than everyone else... You wouldn't feel very good, remember that next time you go to call someone down.
We all deal with it. A lot of us struggle with it. Wether your overweight, the "right" weight or under weight. Everyone has a story, everyone is human and everyone goes through struggles.
Maybe your 350lbs and trying to lose weight, maybe you struggle to not eat the foods that aren't so good for your weight loss, or maybe you just hate working out, or maybe your 69 pounds and fighting to gain weight. Maybe your at a good weight but you want to tone your body. Maybe your just a person in the world like everyone else. Maybe just maybe if we stopped for a moment and stopped competing with one another, we could empower one another, we could encourage eachother and lift eachother up.
Maybe your not someone who's struggle, but maybe you know someone who is.. It's hard to be the person struggling, But it's also really hard to watch someone struggling and knowing there is nothing that anyone can do but them.
Maybe your overweight and you like your body, maybe your underweight and you like your body, maybe your at the "right" weight and you like your body. Does that make you coincided? No! Absolutely not. You are completely allowed to love yourself, your body and the image you see in the mirror. It doesn't make you "better" than anyone and it doesn't make you "worse" it makes you human. Just as the people who don't like their bodies, it doesn't make them any less of people. It also doesn't make them better either. We are all humans, were all equal. Is it so hard to empower and lift someone up? I feel like it takes a lot more energy to hate then to love.
I see a lot online about men only liking women with curves, or men don't like bones only dogs, I seen something today about how apparently if your skinny you think your better than everyone else...
So here is to all those people who think just because girls are skinny they think their better.
A lot of women don't choose to be skinny, a lot of women are naturally built that way, a lot of women have eating Disoders which causes them to loose weight and become very skinny. Such as myself.
Yes I am skinny, yes I am 95pounds. Do I feel like I'm better than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel like I deserve more than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel higher up than everyone else? NOOOOOO! Do I look down on bigger women? NOOOO! Do I think bigger women think they think their better than me ? NOOOO!
I didn't choose anorexia, I didn't choose to be skinny... So next time you want to judge someone because they are skinny, or bigger. Think twice.
If you were struggling and you needed to be uplifted and someone came over and told you how stupid and ugly you were and that you thought you were better than everyone else... You wouldn't feel very good, remember that next time you go to call someone down.
Tuesday 11 November 2014
She saved me, can my story help you?
It doesn't matter to me wether I help thousands of people or just one person. What matters to me is that I'm sharing my story, to help get some of the things eating away inside my mind of my chest, and to hopefully help and encourage women and men to realize their not alone, this is a disease that many people suffer from, and it's something that you can completely recover from, just because you have anorexia/ED doesn't mean you can't over come it. Don't get me wrong I know that a lot of people don't recovery fully and have to have help the rest of their lives to stay healthy and on track with eating. That doesn't make you any less of a person, it doesn't mean you don't deserve life because you sometimes need a hand at taking care of yourself. You still deserve life, you deserve to be helped, to be encouraged and to be cheered on, whether it be by family, friends or health care professionals. Just because you can't always do it on your own doesn't mean your not worthy. It just means that you need guidance to not go down the path of relapsing.
It's scary, feeling like your all alone. Like no one understand, like no one cares. People will say your just doing it for attention, which just makes you want to end your life more because the last thing you want is the negative attention that your putting on yourself. Although your mind doesn't know any different, it's been programmed by anorexia to take over when your starting to feel positive. It's been programmed to tell you your not good enough, you eat to much, you have no control over yourself and your life. It tells you all of these things because it wants your life, it wants to see you suffer, but not because anyone else is making you suffer, anorexia wants to watch you make yourself suffer, until you eventually die of starvation or organ failure maybe even heart attack.
No matter how much you tell yourself this is anorexia talking and I know I need to change, reprogramming your mind can be the hardest things possible, I mean when times get rough you go back to your "norm" and for people with anorexia, starving themselves or bingeing and purging is two ways of being in the "norm", another way is putting yourself down, wether it be about who you are as a person, what you look like to yourself in the mirror or even how you feel about the things you've done in the past. It can all creep up very easily and sneakily, especially during this reprogramming stage.
For example: I have been taking ensures and vitamins every morning for a month and a half now, and I still don't see that as my normal, I still see not eating until after 3-4pm my normal. It's could take months to reprogram, it could take a week from now, honestly no one knows how long this process will take. First off because everyone is different and secondly because your fighting anorexia, a disease, a mental illness, something you can't just tell to piss off and leave you alone, it doesn't work like that. (If only it did... Sigh) life would be a lot easier for me if it did that's for sure.
Your not only battling a disease and mental illness, your battling yourself. Which is the hardest battle of all.
To look in the mirror and hate who you see staring back at you, to look and hate everything about what's in the mirror when your standing there bare. Lately a lot of the times when I look into the mirror I just burst into tears because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to fight this battle, I worry so much that anorexia will take my life, and gladly too. Anorexia doesn't care that I have two kids I need to be on this earth for, anorexia doesn't care I've assaulted and hurt my parents mentally and emotionally, anorexia doesn't care that I push close friends away to the point of closed relationships/friendships. Anorexia doesn't give a fuck about anything but starving me, ultimately killing me. Anorexia would do just about anything to have my life under it's belt, and that scares me.
I feel like I'm fighting satan. A big mean fucking devil. That lives inside me, each and every day.
One day, I hope to not feel the need to battle the devil, I hope one day to be healthy and stable, I don't think I will ever fully recovery from anorexia, and even if I do I don't plan to leave my medical team, for the rest of my life I am going to do counselling therapy and have a dietician, so that I can ensure I am doing everything I can to freeze this hell going on inside me. So I can finally be in control of myself again, so I can take back my life, my emotions and maybe even recover some bridges that have been burned.
Maybe one day, the hell won't just freeze but it will be gone, wouldn't that just be the ultimate utopia.
Here to all those people fighting Satan inside them, here's to all those people taking back their lives, here's to all those people who support and encourage those who need help and recovery, here's to all the people who have helped me, and an even bigger thanks to someone very dear to me, who helped me open my eyes, who saw right into my soul, who read through my smiles and looked at me and said, I see a lost and broken soul. Thank you to Brittany Rankin, an inspiring, encouraging, supportive woman. Who opened my eyes to this, who made me realize I'm worth it, who helped me to come to terms with needing recovery, all while over social media! She's an amazing woman and I couldn't have done this without her words and encouragement, a huge massive shout out to the girl who saved my life ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that your incredible, you saved me Brittany, don't ever forget it!
It's scary, feeling like your all alone. Like no one understand, like no one cares. People will say your just doing it for attention, which just makes you want to end your life more because the last thing you want is the negative attention that your putting on yourself. Although your mind doesn't know any different, it's been programmed by anorexia to take over when your starting to feel positive. It's been programmed to tell you your not good enough, you eat to much, you have no control over yourself and your life. It tells you all of these things because it wants your life, it wants to see you suffer, but not because anyone else is making you suffer, anorexia wants to watch you make yourself suffer, until you eventually die of starvation or organ failure maybe even heart attack.
No matter how much you tell yourself this is anorexia talking and I know I need to change, reprogramming your mind can be the hardest things possible, I mean when times get rough you go back to your "norm" and for people with anorexia, starving themselves or bingeing and purging is two ways of being in the "norm", another way is putting yourself down, wether it be about who you are as a person, what you look like to yourself in the mirror or even how you feel about the things you've done in the past. It can all creep up very easily and sneakily, especially during this reprogramming stage.
For example: I have been taking ensures and vitamins every morning for a month and a half now, and I still don't see that as my normal, I still see not eating until after 3-4pm my normal. It's could take months to reprogram, it could take a week from now, honestly no one knows how long this process will take. First off because everyone is different and secondly because your fighting anorexia, a disease, a mental illness, something you can't just tell to piss off and leave you alone, it doesn't work like that. (If only it did... Sigh) life would be a lot easier for me if it did that's for sure.
Your not only battling a disease and mental illness, your battling yourself. Which is the hardest battle of all.
To look in the mirror and hate who you see staring back at you, to look and hate everything about what's in the mirror when your standing there bare. Lately a lot of the times when I look into the mirror I just burst into tears because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to fight this battle, I worry so much that anorexia will take my life, and gladly too. Anorexia doesn't care that I have two kids I need to be on this earth for, anorexia doesn't care I've assaulted and hurt my parents mentally and emotionally, anorexia doesn't care that I push close friends away to the point of closed relationships/friendships. Anorexia doesn't give a fuck about anything but starving me, ultimately killing me. Anorexia would do just about anything to have my life under it's belt, and that scares me.
I feel like I'm fighting satan. A big mean fucking devil. That lives inside me, each and every day.
One day, I hope to not feel the need to battle the devil, I hope one day to be healthy and stable, I don't think I will ever fully recovery from anorexia, and even if I do I don't plan to leave my medical team, for the rest of my life I am going to do counselling therapy and have a dietician, so that I can ensure I am doing everything I can to freeze this hell going on inside me. So I can finally be in control of myself again, so I can take back my life, my emotions and maybe even recover some bridges that have been burned.
Maybe one day, the hell won't just freeze but it will be gone, wouldn't that just be the ultimate utopia.
Here to all those people fighting Satan inside them, here's to all those people taking back their lives, here's to all those people who support and encourage those who need help and recovery, here's to all the people who have helped me, and an even bigger thanks to someone very dear to me, who helped me open my eyes, who saw right into my soul, who read through my smiles and looked at me and said, I see a lost and broken soul. Thank you to Brittany Rankin, an inspiring, encouraging, supportive woman. Who opened my eyes to this, who made me realize I'm worth it, who helped me to come to terms with needing recovery, all while over social media! She's an amazing woman and I couldn't have done this without her words and encouragement, a huge massive shout out to the girl who saved my life ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that your incredible, you saved me Brittany, don't ever forget it!
Sunday 9 November 2014
Living In Fear Everyday
when I look at deeply at myself, I struggle to find positive things. Mostly I see what I've done in the past, the things I've said, the people I've hurt, the bridges I've burned. I see the storms I've created and the struggles I've made for myself. When I look at myself I see a broken person, someone who has lost control of the only thing she felt she had control over, I see someone filled with regrets, a girl living in her past, someone who's afraid of the future and afraid of the past. I'm living in fear. The question I have is what am I living in fear of..?
First off I don't have my kids.. I've already lived the hardest thing any parent could go through, and the only thing I can do now is focus on getting my life in order so I can finally stop living in this nightmare of other people raising my kids. Don't get me wrong I am so so grateful they have healthy happy lives, that still doesn't change I wish more than anything I could be stable and giving them those lives.
Secondly, I have anorexia. What is scarier than that? I live each day just trying not to let anorexia starve me. I spend everyday fighting myself, my emotions and that little voice inside my head telling me I don't need to eat. Why do I live in fear of a normal life when this is the most terrifying thing I've ever had to go through?
I wish I could tell you. I really do.
Thirdly, I live in fear of judgement. Why? I feel like I need to impress everyone around me, and honestly I'm really bad at it. I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I lose sight of me, I lose sight of what's truly important. I end up overwhelmed, emotions running high and then something huge happens that doesn't only impact my life, but my children's lives and my parents lives. It hurts me to know that I have played a huge role in changing other peoples lives because of my failures, such as my mom. She's had to change her entire life to raise my daughter.
Fourthly, I've hurt everyone I love. I don't know why I live in fear when my biggest fears have already come true. I've hurt my mother physically, emotionally, I'm sure mentally as well. That kills me inside. She's my mom, she was like my best friend. We were so close. Thinking about the fact I've done the things I've done, and said the things I've said to her. I can't believe it. If my daughter ever spoke to me the way I've spoken to my mother I'd be heart broken, disgusted and completely in shock. I wouldn't know how to react or what to say. I don't blame my mom for the things she's done to protect my kids. It's really hard for me to say, but I'm happy she did it.
All I want is to be healthy, happy and be able to be a great mother to my kids. It will take time, and it doesn't happen overnight. Things will get better and maybe one day I'll have an answer as to why I live in fear every single day.
First off I don't have my kids.. I've already lived the hardest thing any parent could go through, and the only thing I can do now is focus on getting my life in order so I can finally stop living in this nightmare of other people raising my kids. Don't get me wrong I am so so grateful they have healthy happy lives, that still doesn't change I wish more than anything I could be stable and giving them those lives.
Secondly, I have anorexia. What is scarier than that? I live each day just trying not to let anorexia starve me. I spend everyday fighting myself, my emotions and that little voice inside my head telling me I don't need to eat. Why do I live in fear of a normal life when this is the most terrifying thing I've ever had to go through?
I wish I could tell you. I really do.
Thirdly, I live in fear of judgement. Why? I feel like I need to impress everyone around me, and honestly I'm really bad at it. I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I lose sight of me, I lose sight of what's truly important. I end up overwhelmed, emotions running high and then something huge happens that doesn't only impact my life, but my children's lives and my parents lives. It hurts me to know that I have played a huge role in changing other peoples lives because of my failures, such as my mom. She's had to change her entire life to raise my daughter.
Fourthly, I've hurt everyone I love. I don't know why I live in fear when my biggest fears have already come true. I've hurt my mother physically, emotionally, I'm sure mentally as well. That kills me inside. She's my mom, she was like my best friend. We were so close. Thinking about the fact I've done the things I've done, and said the things I've said to her. I can't believe it. If my daughter ever spoke to me the way I've spoken to my mother I'd be heart broken, disgusted and completely in shock. I wouldn't know how to react or what to say. I don't blame my mom for the things she's done to protect my kids. It's really hard for me to say, but I'm happy she did it.
All I want is to be healthy, happy and be able to be a great mother to my kids. It will take time, and it doesn't happen overnight. Things will get better and maybe one day I'll have an answer as to why I live in fear every single day.
Sunday 2 November 2014
just eat they say
Getting healthy for me isn't just about eating daily, taking my vitamins and the whole food aspect of it. A huge part of my recovery is recovering mentally. Learning about myself. Figuring out how to cope with my emotions. Making sure I go to my weekly dietician appointments, my counselling appointments, my monthly doctor visits and making sure I'm being completely honest. You can't get better if your lying to yourself or to the people trying to help you. You have to accept the problem and then realize what it's doing to you, you have to realize that this is a disorder and your not a horrible person because of it.
Sometimes my worst eating days are my best emotion days, and sometimes it's the other way around. I don't know what sets me off yet, and that's what I need to work so hard to figure out. I can't control what I don't acknowledge, and what I don't understand. So working towards understanding and overcoming is my main battle. I know I have a problem and I hear a lot "just eat" "isn't it as easy as just eating". Honestly no, it isn't just as easy as eating, because even if I'm sitting there with my favourite good in front of me I have no desire for it, no crave for the taste or what it would feel like to make my stomach stop knotting.
When you have an eating disorder you forget what you used to enjoy. I remember the first time I had eaten yogurt in a very long time, and I realized how much I absolutely love yogurt, but for so long my mind told me it would be gross.
I have started to regain the feeling of hunger, I lost it for a while I mean every week I'd get this hunger feeling, but it wouldn't come daily like most people. My stomach would tighten, feeling like there was knot in my stomach, it would make me feel sick, so instead of feeling hungry it got to the point of just feeling sick or major discomfort.
I love feeling hungry again, I know that might sound weird, but that tight knotting feeling is slowly going away, and it means that my little steps are working and it makes me feel really good!
Like I said it's not just about the food though, I need to figure out why this anorexia started, how it got so bad, and what sets it off.
Anorexia isn't just about eating, there is a huge mental impact about this. Look up what happens when you starve your body, and then tell me that someone with anorexia can make a rational choice.
Understanding is the biggest thing I need to learn about because I don't understand anorexia as well as I need to to recovery fully. That's my goal, to learn and research and listen to the doctors so I can better understand what's going on inside me!
Sometimes my worst eating days are my best emotion days, and sometimes it's the other way around. I don't know what sets me off yet, and that's what I need to work so hard to figure out. I can't control what I don't acknowledge, and what I don't understand. So working towards understanding and overcoming is my main battle. I know I have a problem and I hear a lot "just eat" "isn't it as easy as just eating". Honestly no, it isn't just as easy as eating, because even if I'm sitting there with my favourite good in front of me I have no desire for it, no crave for the taste or what it would feel like to make my stomach stop knotting.
When you have an eating disorder you forget what you used to enjoy. I remember the first time I had eaten yogurt in a very long time, and I realized how much I absolutely love yogurt, but for so long my mind told me it would be gross.
I have started to regain the feeling of hunger, I lost it for a while I mean every week I'd get this hunger feeling, but it wouldn't come daily like most people. My stomach would tighten, feeling like there was knot in my stomach, it would make me feel sick, so instead of feeling hungry it got to the point of just feeling sick or major discomfort.
I love feeling hungry again, I know that might sound weird, but that tight knotting feeling is slowly going away, and it means that my little steps are working and it makes me feel really good!
Like I said it's not just about the food though, I need to figure out why this anorexia started, how it got so bad, and what sets it off.
Anorexia isn't just about eating, there is a huge mental impact about this. Look up what happens when you starve your body, and then tell me that someone with anorexia can make a rational choice.
Understanding is the biggest thing I need to learn about because I don't understand anorexia as well as I need to to recovery fully. That's my goal, to learn and research and listen to the doctors so I can better understand what's going on inside me!
Thursday 30 October 2014
What is borderline personality disorder
What is BPD? What is Boderline Personality Disoder?
Boderline Personality Disoder, otherwise known as "BPD" is a mental illness.
Im not going to try to explain exactly what BPD is because everyone who has it, isn't dealing with the same
emotions, symptoms, or life style. Everyone expirencing BPD is different, has a different story and couple
be expirencing BPD differently than myself. Instead of trying to explain what exactly it is, I am going to explain my expirence
with BPD.
Which let me start with has not been easy. I struggle with trying to avoid real or imaginative abandonment,
this has become a problem in my life where I have lost loved ones, friends and family over it. I make up scenarios in my head,
wondering if they will come true. Sometimes I think about it so much my life actully becomes like that. For example, I was dating
an Ex, and i was afraid he would leave me, so i thought if i kept talking to him about it it would help, Instead it drove him away,
because no matter what he did, I still had this fear he would leave me. Having this disoder has made relationships with my own
family extremly difficult aswell as completely non existant. Which honestly doesn't make it any easier. It just makes me wonder
why I wasn't good enough to not be given up on. That lands me at how unstable my emotions are. anxiety has become a normal thing
in my life, comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes stays for hours and sometimes even days.
Have you ever felt empty? as if there was litterally nothing inside of you? No, Im not talking about your stomach or how little food is
in your belly. Im taking about that aching chronic pain inside you that just never seems to go away, I mean you can smile and laugh
enjoy the little moments and everything around you, yet still feel completely empty, emotionally drained or over taken by emotions.
Have you ever felt so empty of life that you laid restless, watching the hours go by, waiting for another day? Have you ever felt so
empty of love that you litterally didnt feel capable of giving love or even worse recieving it?
I have, I live in that every day. I live in my mind telling me Im not good enough, I refuse mediction because i want to find
true copeing skills in my life, and not to rely on drugs. Some people might think that is a little insane. Althought its been medically proven that
medications in fact don't seem to help with borderline personality disoder, and espically when you've got three other disoders
to take into consideration.
Has someone ever said something to you, that just really hit your emotions wrong? I mean that caused a huge comotion in your
entire day, maybe even in your week. This happens to me often, just not really with such huge issues. Its usually the little things that
send me into an angry mood. most of the time, I spend arguing with whoever im aarguing with, Im spending the sme time trying
to figure out what the hell is even coming out of my mouth and why im even wanting to say these things, or why someone telling me
that we have to wait a few days for something totally unimportant can send me spinning, angry, unrational. I dont understand why it happens
and when it does, and the fight is over, or my irrational behaviour has stopped. I feel embarassed, confused, hopeless. Another huge part of BPD
is how hard my emotions hit me. its extremly difficult for my mind to find a middle ground, I am either super happy and everything is great, I feel on top of the world. Or i feel like my lifes falling apart like everything is horrible and everyone doesnt like me. It can go from one to the other in a matter of minutes. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me, and im the one living it. I have alot of days where I sit around and feel as if Im not even really a person in
life, some days i feel like im real and the world around me isnt. Ive seen many people online whove done articles about BPD that alot of people with
it mention that they feel "dead inside". I can relate to that feeling, Its a feeling as if the world has given up on you, like your loved ones just think you want attention, like your emotions don't matter to people, you feel worthless, or pretend, like your not even a person.
I would have to say for me the hardest part of BPD, is all of it. Honestly, no part of any of this is easy. That doesn't mean its not something you can learn to cope with, it doesnt mean that you cannot learn to love life with BPD. I myself have just not found that yet. I am building my team right now, and its defitenly not going to happen over night. It is going to take time, trial and error, support love and so much more. I have so many obstacles to over come, I am just really glad I have already over come some, It means ive made the first step, and the second, and many more after that, which means im on the right track.
IT ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING OVER NIGHT, OR MAKING THE BIG HUGE STEPS. ITS ABOUT OVERCOMING YOURSELF, LEARNING, TRYING AND BECOMING THE PERSON YOU KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN BE. WHAT IT IS ABOUT IS THAT YOUR MAKING THOSE STEPS AND TAKING A CHANCE AT A DIFFERENT LIFE. IF YOU DONT GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOUR LIFE WILL SELF DESTRUCT.
there isn't always going to be people around to help you. I do know one person whos been there since day one though, YOURSELF.
dont doubt yourself.
Boderline Personality Disoder, otherwise known as "BPD" is a mental illness.
Im not going to try to explain exactly what BPD is because everyone who has it, isn't dealing with the same
emotions, symptoms, or life style. Everyone expirencing BPD is different, has a different story and couple
be expirencing BPD differently than myself. Instead of trying to explain what exactly it is, I am going to explain my expirence
with BPD.
Which let me start with has not been easy. I struggle with trying to avoid real or imaginative abandonment,
this has become a problem in my life where I have lost loved ones, friends and family over it. I make up scenarios in my head,
wondering if they will come true. Sometimes I think about it so much my life actully becomes like that. For example, I was dating
an Ex, and i was afraid he would leave me, so i thought if i kept talking to him about it it would help, Instead it drove him away,
because no matter what he did, I still had this fear he would leave me. Having this disoder has made relationships with my own
family extremly difficult aswell as completely non existant. Which honestly doesn't make it any easier. It just makes me wonder
why I wasn't good enough to not be given up on. That lands me at how unstable my emotions are. anxiety has become a normal thing
in my life, comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes stays for hours and sometimes even days.
Have you ever felt empty? as if there was litterally nothing inside of you? No, Im not talking about your stomach or how little food is
in your belly. Im taking about that aching chronic pain inside you that just never seems to go away, I mean you can smile and laugh
enjoy the little moments and everything around you, yet still feel completely empty, emotionally drained or over taken by emotions.
Have you ever felt so empty of life that you laid restless, watching the hours go by, waiting for another day? Have you ever felt so
empty of love that you litterally didnt feel capable of giving love or even worse recieving it?
I have, I live in that every day. I live in my mind telling me Im not good enough, I refuse mediction because i want to find
true copeing skills in my life, and not to rely on drugs. Some people might think that is a little insane. Althought its been medically proven that
medications in fact don't seem to help with borderline personality disoder, and espically when you've got three other disoders
to take into consideration.
Has someone ever said something to you, that just really hit your emotions wrong? I mean that caused a huge comotion in your
entire day, maybe even in your week. This happens to me often, just not really with such huge issues. Its usually the little things that
send me into an angry mood. most of the time, I spend arguing with whoever im aarguing with, Im spending the sme time trying
to figure out what the hell is even coming out of my mouth and why im even wanting to say these things, or why someone telling me
that we have to wait a few days for something totally unimportant can send me spinning, angry, unrational. I dont understand why it happens
and when it does, and the fight is over, or my irrational behaviour has stopped. I feel embarassed, confused, hopeless. Another huge part of BPD
is how hard my emotions hit me. its extremly difficult for my mind to find a middle ground, I am either super happy and everything is great, I feel on top of the world. Or i feel like my lifes falling apart like everything is horrible and everyone doesnt like me. It can go from one to the other in a matter of minutes. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me, and im the one living it. I have alot of days where I sit around and feel as if Im not even really a person in
life, some days i feel like im real and the world around me isnt. Ive seen many people online whove done articles about BPD that alot of people with
it mention that they feel "dead inside". I can relate to that feeling, Its a feeling as if the world has given up on you, like your loved ones just think you want attention, like your emotions don't matter to people, you feel worthless, or pretend, like your not even a person.
I would have to say for me the hardest part of BPD, is all of it. Honestly, no part of any of this is easy. That doesn't mean its not something you can learn to cope with, it doesnt mean that you cannot learn to love life with BPD. I myself have just not found that yet. I am building my team right now, and its defitenly not going to happen over night. It is going to take time, trial and error, support love and so much more. I have so many obstacles to over come, I am just really glad I have already over come some, It means ive made the first step, and the second, and many more after that, which means im on the right track.
IT ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING OVER NIGHT, OR MAKING THE BIG HUGE STEPS. ITS ABOUT OVERCOMING YOURSELF, LEARNING, TRYING AND BECOMING THE PERSON YOU KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN BE. WHAT IT IS ABOUT IS THAT YOUR MAKING THOSE STEPS AND TAKING A CHANCE AT A DIFFERENT LIFE. IF YOU DONT GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOUR LIFE WILL SELF DESTRUCT.
there isn't always going to be people around to help you. I do know one person whos been there since day one though, YOURSELF.
dont doubt yourself.
Accepting and Moving Forward
I've heard a lot of people say "the hardest part is accepting you have a problem."
I don't agree. I agree that accepting your problem is hard, it's more than hard, I know that from experience. That hardest part for me was accepting the help to get better. I mean you can accept that you have a problem, although accepting it isn't going to change the fact you have this problem. What's going to change it is accepting the help, and that's the scary part. Even though it's a problem in your life it's your comfort zone, your safety blanket, what your used to. Breaking out of that is the hardest thing.
I accepted I had anorexia for the first time about six months ago, I knew I had a problem with weight I just never realized it was this bad. I have had anorexia since I was 17, I'm now 20.
For me accepting it was hard but it wasn't the hardest part, once I accepted it, I had to take the next step, which was asking for the help I needed. I was terrified, being told your at risk for heart attack at 20 is a major wake up call. My counsellor helped me set up the help I needed, which was the easy part of getting help. Once I had the meetings set up, I realized that I was scared. My anorexia took over. "You don't need help" " your not sick" "this is you" "why change now" "your fine" "don't listen to them" "they don't want to help you" "run away" "don't get help" all these thoughts running through my head telling me getting help was a mistake. It went on for weeks. Finally my counsellor realized I needed a push, so she sat in with me on an appointment and that's when I realized, I need to do this, not for anyone else but me.
Accepting that your slowly killing yourself is really hard, I mean who wants to admit that? I sure didn't. I was afraid that if I was open and honest they would lock me up in a pshyc ward and throw away the key. I know dramatic, but I'm seriously, I was absolutely utterly afraid. I didn't want to be honest because I was afraid of the help. I was afraid that it wouldn't help.
All of this has been completely worth it. Choosing recovery and choosing to accept help was the hardest, most emotional things I have ever done, and in the same breathe was the most amazing thing that could have ever happened to me.
I didn't want to scare anyone but the team I had in Nanaimo was worried I wouldn't even make it three more weeks to move, so many medical professionals are appalled that I am not admitted into hospital with a feeding tube. I was sick, weak and very unhealthy.
Can you believe that, 20 years old and they're worried I am going to live three more weeks. That's when I knew I couldn't stop now, I wasn't about to quit on myself, I was staring death in the face, I was weeks away from it.. Terrified and scared, my counsellor told me over and over how serious this was. I don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for my counsellor (she's actually just a pshycriatric nurse). She saved my life, didn't give up on me when I would walk out, she would call me a few days later and tell me we were going to try again. That meant the world to me, it gave me hope for life again, it made me feel like I wasn't alone, like someone on this earth was rooting for me to get better.
Accept you have the problem, but don't just accept it. Move forward and ask for help, but don't just ask, move forward and accept the help, devote yourself back to yourself again! Your worth it!
I don't agree. I agree that accepting your problem is hard, it's more than hard, I know that from experience. That hardest part for me was accepting the help to get better. I mean you can accept that you have a problem, although accepting it isn't going to change the fact you have this problem. What's going to change it is accepting the help, and that's the scary part. Even though it's a problem in your life it's your comfort zone, your safety blanket, what your used to. Breaking out of that is the hardest thing.
I accepted I had anorexia for the first time about six months ago, I knew I had a problem with weight I just never realized it was this bad. I have had anorexia since I was 17, I'm now 20.
For me accepting it was hard but it wasn't the hardest part, once I accepted it, I had to take the next step, which was asking for the help I needed. I was terrified, being told your at risk for heart attack at 20 is a major wake up call. My counsellor helped me set up the help I needed, which was the easy part of getting help. Once I had the meetings set up, I realized that I was scared. My anorexia took over. "You don't need help" " your not sick" "this is you" "why change now" "your fine" "don't listen to them" "they don't want to help you" "run away" "don't get help" all these thoughts running through my head telling me getting help was a mistake. It went on for weeks. Finally my counsellor realized I needed a push, so she sat in with me on an appointment and that's when I realized, I need to do this, not for anyone else but me.
Accepting that your slowly killing yourself is really hard, I mean who wants to admit that? I sure didn't. I was afraid that if I was open and honest they would lock me up in a pshyc ward and throw away the key. I know dramatic, but I'm seriously, I was absolutely utterly afraid. I didn't want to be honest because I was afraid of the help. I was afraid that it wouldn't help.
All of this has been completely worth it. Choosing recovery and choosing to accept help was the hardest, most emotional things I have ever done, and in the same breathe was the most amazing thing that could have ever happened to me.
I didn't want to scare anyone but the team I had in Nanaimo was worried I wouldn't even make it three more weeks to move, so many medical professionals are appalled that I am not admitted into hospital with a feeding tube. I was sick, weak and very unhealthy.
Can you believe that, 20 years old and they're worried I am going to live three more weeks. That's when I knew I couldn't stop now, I wasn't about to quit on myself, I was staring death in the face, I was weeks away from it.. Terrified and scared, my counsellor told me over and over how serious this was. I don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for my counsellor (she's actually just a pshycriatric nurse). She saved my life, didn't give up on me when I would walk out, she would call me a few days later and tell me we were going to try again. That meant the world to me, it gave me hope for life again, it made me feel like I wasn't alone, like someone on this earth was rooting for me to get better.
Accept you have the problem, but don't just accept it. Move forward and ask for help, but don't just ask, move forward and accept the help, devote yourself back to yourself again! Your worth it!
It must be really hard, not to have your kids
I have heard it many times when talking about the situation with my children, the fact that they live with their grandparents, "that must be really hard on you".
Of course it's hard on me, I wish more than anything I could be mentally, physically and emotionally stable to take care of my children. I wish more than anything I could raise them and give them the life they deserve.
What's harder is knowing that if I was raising them I would be exposing them to my anger, my resentment, my emotional issues, my eating issues and everything else. I can hardly take care of myself right now. It is completely unfair of me to expose my children to all of this because they are young, innocent and deserve the best life's they could ever have, and right now I cannot give that to them. Right now I struggle taking care if myself. It would be harder having them knowing that I'm unstable and not giving them the best life possible.
I am grateful that my children have safe, happy, stable homes. With loving and caring people. They are striving where they are. As a parent, the best possible thing you can do for your child is give them the healthiest, safest, happiest and most stable life possible, and right now I am doing that. No, I may not personally be caring for my children, they are with their grandparents. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I don't want the world for them. It just means that right now, I need to step back, take care of myself, get stable and let my children strive and have amazing wonderful happy lives! My children deserve the best, and I sadly cannot give that to them right now. I haven't given up. That's why I am on the path of recovery.
I am grateful for my Mom, for stepping up and supporting my children this entire time. I am grateful to my step dad, for stepping in and supporting my children. I am grateful for my sons Grandparents who have supported myself and my children through it all. I am grateful that my children have safe homes, with people who love and care so much about them.
I see a lot about absentee moms online, it really hits home for me. It's my guilt that gets me. My guilt that I can't support my children right now. I know that there is a difference between, choosing a life of drinking and partying over being a parent than dealing with a mental illnesses. That's the hardest part for me, the guilt.
All though I know I am doing what's best for my children, I still wish with all my heart I could be there, watching them grow and learn, helping them succeed in life, in school, with family and friends, to see them strive in what they love and to overcome obstacles, there's nothing more that I want.
I also want health, happiness and worth again. Before I can support my children fully the way they need me to, I need to get there, and it isn't something that's going to happen over night.
I feel like I judge myself about not having my kids more than anyone else does. That's something I need to overcome.
Of course it's hard on me, I wish more than anything I could be mentally, physically and emotionally stable to take care of my children. I wish more than anything I could raise them and give them the life they deserve.
What's harder is knowing that if I was raising them I would be exposing them to my anger, my resentment, my emotional issues, my eating issues and everything else. I can hardly take care of myself right now. It is completely unfair of me to expose my children to all of this because they are young, innocent and deserve the best life's they could ever have, and right now I cannot give that to them. Right now I struggle taking care if myself. It would be harder having them knowing that I'm unstable and not giving them the best life possible.
I am grateful that my children have safe, happy, stable homes. With loving and caring people. They are striving where they are. As a parent, the best possible thing you can do for your child is give them the healthiest, safest, happiest and most stable life possible, and right now I am doing that. No, I may not personally be caring for my children, they are with their grandparents. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I don't want the world for them. It just means that right now, I need to step back, take care of myself, get stable and let my children strive and have amazing wonderful happy lives! My children deserve the best, and I sadly cannot give that to them right now. I haven't given up. That's why I am on the path of recovery.
I am grateful for my Mom, for stepping up and supporting my children this entire time. I am grateful to my step dad, for stepping in and supporting my children. I am grateful for my sons Grandparents who have supported myself and my children through it all. I am grateful that my children have safe homes, with people who love and care so much about them.
I see a lot about absentee moms online, it really hits home for me. It's my guilt that gets me. My guilt that I can't support my children right now. I know that there is a difference between, choosing a life of drinking and partying over being a parent than dealing with a mental illnesses. That's the hardest part for me, the guilt.
All though I know I am doing what's best for my children, I still wish with all my heart I could be there, watching them grow and learn, helping them succeed in life, in school, with family and friends, to see them strive in what they love and to overcome obstacles, there's nothing more that I want.
I also want health, happiness and worth again. Before I can support my children fully the way they need me to, I need to get there, and it isn't something that's going to happen over night.
I feel like I judge myself about not having my kids more than anyone else does. That's something I need to overcome.
Saturday 18 October 2014
Anorexia.. And Eating Disoders
It's been life changing, it's been painful, struggling, heartbreaking, scary and so much more. It's been a rough journey. It's been almost four years since I started struggling with anorexia. At first I really didn't see a problem, I didn't see how it impacted my life, my relationships, the people around me and especially my health. I've been down to 79 pounds and up to 115 all through out these years. This year it has gotten worse than I ever thought. The pain I had before wasn't like it got this year. I had started a new job, was really excited about it. Eight hours seven days a week, I was set. Only until the pain started to become horrendous, unbearable, I started going to the doctors because it was outrageous. They tried me on Naproxen. Helped for a few days then the pain became stronger. The doctor referred me to get X-rays and have me T3's. I tried to go back to work and the T3's did help but only for a short time. I went back and they gave me synthetic marjiuana. They just made me really loopy. I ended up having to quit my job because i wasn't able to sit for 8 hours a day. The doctors seen something small in my Xray so they decided to give me an MRI. Finally I got the MRI and the results came back that nothing was unusual. Finally after doctor visits upon doctor visits, I accepted I have anorexia, I mean really accepted it. I went to the drop in counselling place in the town I was living in, and the lady helped me realize how serious my problem was, she helped my doctors get more involved as well as get me a eating disorder pahycriatrist as well as a therapist and helped me apply for a treatment Center. After blood tests and doctor visits and therapist visits, everyone was becoming extremly concerned. I tried to admit myself into hospital for anorexia with a BMI (body mass index) of 13.5. Very very low! Constant pain, in my hips, my neck, shoulders, constant head aches and body aches, my hips crack and pop, they lock up and get stuck, my ribs get stuck sometimes and my entire body hurts, my skin is discoloured and I didn't even realize how badly it was getting. I got a dietician and she helped me realize. I am 20 years old and I am at risk of heart attack.. Heart attack... Scary. Life altering scary, wake up call to the max for me. Slow painful death is what is in my future unless I continue on the path of recovery, unless I continue to focus on me and my health. Anorexia has been hell, it's been more than a battle it's been a war. I cannot get through this alone and that's the biggest thing i want others with anorexia or any eating disorder to understand, I want you to understand that people need help, and it may not be from friends or family, I mean professionals, therapists, dieticians, pshycriatrists, pshycologists, serious help. It's a life long battle. It doesn't just get up and walk away, it will literally take your life. Anorexia is not a lifestyle choice. It is a disease. A mental illness. It isn't something to be taken lighten. It's a very serious illness. A painful one at that, if you know someone, are someone, used to be someone, are becoming someone with anorexia or an eating disorder, you are an amazing person, you deserve life and you deserve happiness, no matter what this disorder is telling you. Also you are not alone. If you need help to recover please get help to do that. This is scary and I hate knowing that other girls are going through this, especially knowing a lot of them are alone! Reach out to me if you need!
It's been life changing, it's been painful, struggling, heartbreaking, scary and so much more. It's been a rough journey. It's been almost four years since I started struggling with anorexia. At first I really didn't see a problem, I didn't see how it impacted my life, my relationships, the people around me and especially my health. I've been down to 79 pounds and up to 115 all through out these years. This year it has gotten worse than I ever thought. The pain I had before wasn't like it got this year. I had started a new job, was really excited about it. Eight hours seven days a week, I was set. Only until the pain started to become horrendous, unbearable, I started going to the doctors because it was outrageous. They tried me on Naproxen. Helped for a few days then the pain became stronger. The doctor referred me to get X-rays and have me T3's. I tried to go back to work and the T3's did help but only for a short time. I went back and they gave me synthetic marjiuana. They just made me really loopy. I ended up having to quit my job because i wasn't able to sit for 8 hours a day. The doctors seen something small in my Xray so they decided to give me an MRI. Finally I got the MRI and the results came back that nothing was unusual. Finally after doctor visits upon doctor visits, I accepted I have anorexia, I mean really accepted it. I went to the drop in counselling place in the town I was living in, and the lady helped me realize how serious my problem was, she helped my doctors get more involved as well as get me a eating disorder pahycriatrist as well as a therapist and helped me apply for a treatment Center. After blood tests and doctor visits and therapist visits, everyone was becoming extremly concerned. I tried to admit myself into hospital for anorexia with a BMI (body mass index) of 13.5. Very very low! Constant pain, in my hips, my neck, shoulders, constant head aches and body aches, my hips crack and pop, they lock up and get stuck, my ribs get stuck sometimes and my entire body hurts, my skin is discoloured and I didn't even realize how badly it was getting. I got a dietician and she helped me realize. I am 20 years old and I am at risk of heart attack.. Heart attack... Scary. Life altering scary, wake up call to the max for me. Slow painful death is what is in my future unless I continue on the path of recovery, unless I continue to focus on me and my health. Anorexia has been hell, it's been more than a battle it's been a war. I cannot get through this alone and that's the biggest thing i want others with anorexia or any eating disorder to understand, I want you to understand that people need help, and it may not be from friends or family, I mean professionals, therapists, dieticians, pshycriatrists, pshycologists, serious help. It's a life long battle. It doesn't just get up and walk away, it will literally take your life. Anorexia is not a lifestyle choice. It is a disease. A mental illness. It isn't something to be taken lighten. It's a very serious illness. A painful one at that, if you know someone, are someone, used to be someone, are becoming someone with anorexia or an eating disorder, you are an amazing person, you deserve life and you deserve happiness, no matter what this disorder is telling you. Also you are not alone. If you need help to recover please get help to do that. This is scary and I hate knowing that other girls are going through this, especially knowing a lot of them are alone! Reach out to me if you need!
Saturday 11 October 2014
My battle with Mental Illness and Anorexia
My name is Jennifer, I am 20 years old. I am a mother of two beautiful children, one girl and one boy. I had my children very young at the ages of 15 and 17. Sadly, I am battling a very scary disease. I have anorexia, sub type Restrictive. I have had this since I was 17 years old, Just before I found out I was pregnant with my son, I battled harshly with anorexia while I was pregnant. Which caused for a lot of complications throughout the pregnancy. I had to be given IV's filled with water because I was dehydrated, put on best rest for a total of four and a half months, I had to stop going to school because I wasn't allowed to leave bed, It caused a strain on the relationship with my mother and my family who I had lived with, along with my 16 month old daughter at the time. I went into false labor at least 6 different times, hospital trips, crying, emotions running high. It was a struggling time for me. Back then I didn't realize this was all a result of my anorexia. I had not accepted that I had this. I denied it actually. Claiming I ate a lot and I was healthy I never realized how badly having this affected my health. Doctors became concerned with my weight loss after I had the baby, I had gone to a lower weight after my pregnancy than I was before I even became pregnant. Three weeks after I had my son, my relationship with my mother grew weaker and weaker, her and I unable to resolve the conflicts. We had been dealing with the Ministry Of Children and Families for about a year. When my mother asked if I could be removed from the home as our fighting was causing to much stress. The agreement that was arranged was that until I was able to find an apartment to get settled into, my children would stay with my mother (my 21 month old and my 3 week old). I had to stay in a hostel above the bar. I was emotional about it, not happy I had to leave my children. I had resentment towards my mother and step dad for "taking my children". I look back now and realize that my anorexia was starting to completely take over me and my entire life. While I was living in the hostel, I didn't see the point in trying really hard anymore, I definitely lost my path for a while living in that hostel, I started drinking all the time, not eating unless I felt I completely had to, or when my friends would force me. I remember not having any money, I had been spending it on booze and smokes, I didnt have anything but croissants in my room, this went on for two weeks. During that two weeks, I remember a friend has stolen me some soup and a sandwich from the local safeway, I ate a small portion and remember that it went bad in the hostel fridge, the soup was thrown away.. How did I not see I had a problem?? I wish I could tell you... I remember another day these two guys me and a friend had been seeing asked me to come out for dinner with them, they said they would pay, I ordered a frozen lemonade and sat there while they ate their food. I was starving it was properly three days before I had eaten a meal. I mean don't get me wrong Id have a bite here and there every day but I would barely finish a meal.. If I could even get passed a few bites.. I had a fear of eating in public alone for a very long time, to this day I struggle with that. Its something that wont just change overnight and definitely can't do it alone. Back then I didnt want help from people, I wasnt ready to accept the circumstances of my life and my disease.. Three months after I moved into the hostel, my step dad agreed to be my co signer, and I got a two bedroom apartment. My friends and family helped me get some furnishings. I had enough for me and to take my children over nights. I felt really good about my new place, and I felt ready to take my children finally. The night I finally got my children over night, my daughter went to sleep very well, my son not so much, he fussed and cried and was warm, his temperature felt very hot and I felt helpless, I felt like I was unable to do this all alone because of how sick he was. For the first time in my parenting life I choose to ask for help, I called my mother and told her what was going on and I told her I didnt know what to do and I felt overwhelmed. She denied me any help. So I called my sons fathers parents, to ask them for help, they came and got my son and brought him to the hospital. During the time I was calling the other grandparents for help, My mother was calling social services on me saying I was going to harm my children, and that she was worried. By the time social services had shown up to my door, I was already back in bed, My son had been picked up by his grandparents and was taken to the hospital where they found out he had bronchitis. I was very grateful that someone helped me that night. I had a file opened on me with the Ministry of Children and Families. My heart was broken.. This is where things got complicated for me. I had a roomate move in because I wasnt having my children very often. I started drinking again a lot which was a mistake. Eventually I moved in with my boyfriend and his best friend and his best friends girlfriend. I lived with that boyfriend for about two years, We fought alot had a toxic relationship which caused me to loose privileges to see my children unsupervised. I was loosing weight again, back down to 89 pounds. Struggling in all parts of life. I ended up going on disability because I have three mental illness'. I struggle from Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes my life hell. It makes my emotions hit me 100,000 times harder than most individuals without mental disorders. It makes my relationships, friendships difficult to maintain, I overreact, my disorders take over me, Sometimes I believe I am unreal in the world or the world around me is unreal, I feel disassociation and I have paranoid ideation. I struggle with numerous things daily. This is just a little piece of my story, Ive got alot more to share, I am hoping to make this blog to maybe help people who are in my situations, or maybe even people can reach out to me in ways to help me recover from Anorexia.. This is what my Journey is about. Struggling with Anorexia and Mental Illness, Trying to help people realize we are not alone. There is other people struggling in the world too.
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