A message to my children

Something is hurting me and I need to get it off my chest.
I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.
I'm sure missing my kids lately.. Feel empty being so far from them. I know it's the best thing right now but why does it have to be so hard.. It hurts so much.
This is a message for my kids.
I'm sorry that mommy couldn't be there to watch you learn and grow. I'm sorry we couldn't bond the way most mothers do. I'm sorry that I've failed you to give you a mother to look up to. I'm sorry if you feel I have given up on you. I'm sorry to my daughter for seeing everything she has seen, hearing the things she's heard and just being in the presence of so much that she shouldn't have been. I'm sorry to my son, for my taking care of my self and my body while I held you inside of me, I'm sorry that because of that you now have had bronchitis a few times. I'm sorry that I failed to bond with you when you were born, I am so so sorry I failed to last more than three weeks as a full time mother of two. It breaks my heart. I know this all affects you, how you see family, parents and life in general. I know that you didn't choose this way of life. I am sorry that I can't be there. I am sorry that I'm harmful to your environments right now. You mean everything to me and I wish more than words can explain that I could have bonded with you, raised you, watched you grow, sang songs with you, discovered your likes and dislikes, adventures and playtime the good times and the bad, I'm sorry that I've failed you.
My children. You two are the most beautiful human begins to ever come into my life, I am honoured and blessed to be privileged enough to be called your mother. I'm sorry that I've put you in separate homes, where you are being raised apart.  I am sorry to my daughter for not having her father, I wish more than anything that you could have both parents raising you in the most wonderful way.
I am sorry I have failed the promises I made while I carried you inside me, I am sorry that I couldn't take it. I am so sorry that I let life come in the way of me and you. I am sorry that I'm not there. I am sorry that I couldn't hold you when you hurt and cuddle you to bed at night.
My babies. I love you. More than you will ever know.

From your Mommy, I am Sorry.
I hope that one day, it doesn't have to be this way. I hope that I can get better, and this will all be the past. I hope one day I can be there.

I miss you, my heart is breaking

5 things girls with anorexia or eating Disoders are tired of hearing

Do you know someone who's struggling with anorexia/ED? Do you live with someone who's struggling every day? Are you someone struggling everyday? Anorexia/ED can be very heartbreaking for those going through it and those around someone going through it. It's not only scary to live, but extremely scary to watch someone go through. My heart goes out to all those struggling with it, and to all those trying to help someone struggling with it and to all those people who feel helpless watching someone go through it. I know it's not easy, so here's a few little tips that might help recovery in your own life, home or support groups a little bit easier.

These are a few little things that really get to me, I also see it frustrate a lot of people I know with anorexia.

1. "Just Eat"
This is probably the worst thing you can say to someone with an eating disorder. Telling someone with anorexia or ED to "just eat" doesn't make them want to eat.. It makes them not want to even more than they already don't want to.

2. "So to get better you just need to eat"
Actually, not quite. Yes eating is a huge part of anorexia recovery. It's also about reprogramming your brain, it's about getting your stomach back to the size it should be, it's about overcoming all of the health issues that you've gotten because of anorexia/ED. It's about being able to have a daily routine without feeling guilty about it. It is about eating, to a degree, it's also about your mental state and how you see yourself.

3. "Stop being so picky"
This one really gets to me. I am not trying to be picky, I don't want to be picky.. I just have issues with food right now and struggle ridiculously to even eat the foods I absolutely love, please cut us some slack during the first long while of our recovery.

4. "You need to eat more"
Actually, I need to eat consistently. Your not my doctor, your not my nurse, your not my dietician and your not my counsellor. So how about instead of telling someone they need to eat more, encourage them. Instead of "you need to eat more" maybe try something like "great job keep up the great work, bigger meals will come with time"
Nothing happens over night, and I know a lot of people with anorexia/ED that feel really terrible about themselves when their told to "eat more". During anorexia recovery we are trying really really hard. Please encourage, don't discourage!

5. "Your so skinny"
Most women with anorexia don't realize how skinny they actually look. Telling them their skinny is only going to make that worse, because they don't see skinny in the mirror. They see thighs and tummy and fat, they see someone else completely. Telling someone with ED their skinny can be very very bad for their recovery and their body image.

I hope that maybe even just these few little things can help someone's recovery, even if it's in the smallest ways!

Tired of it all

I've actually been dreading writing this blog post, it's about time I do though.
Most days I find it hard to try. I find myself feeling hopeless, instead of angry at anorexia. I was given a meal plan a few weeks ago, which I've been having a hard time following. Going back to the island was a whole set a triggers for my anorexia. I came back feeling pretty crappy about how much I went off track while I was away. Im supposed to eat three meals a day with an ensure in the morning with my vitamins and an ensure before bed, plus a snack. And I can't even barely seem to eat two meals, lately I've been not wanting my ensures... And I just feel out of control again.. My muscle spasms have come back and they've gotten pretty painful, they never jerked my body this much before, I hate it. My jaw is beginning to hurt again.. Why can't all of that be motivation for me..?
Most days I just feel sad and empty at anorexia, I don't feel angry anymore like I can take my life back, that scares me. At least when I was angry, I was motivated.
I have seen stories and been told that people recover and that's great for them... I also see people who die a slow painful death.. It really gets me emotional trying to figure out which one I'm going to end up being...
I don't know what else I can do..
I've done meal planning, meal prepping, I've put alarms on my phone to tell me I need to eat.. I have a meal plan. A supportive man encouraging me.. And I can't seem to just buck up and do it.. Why does it have to be so hard..? Why can't I have my life back... I hate anorexia, and what it's done to me. I hate how it's changed the way I think and feel, about myself and others around me. I hate the burden it's put on my family and friends, I hate that it could take me from my children forever... I hate it. With all my heart. I want to Squash it like a little bug, but you can't squash it because it's not a little bug, remember it's a satan. Battling satan, the devil, your own inner demon.. How in the fuck am I supposed to fight something within myself.?
I'm scared that it's going to take over my life completely again and have me bed ridden..

I'm tired of fighting, I'm just so tired..

We are all equal! Let's lift eachother up, instead of putting eachother down!

Weight... Size... Shape....
We all deal with it. A lot of us struggle with it. Wether your overweight, the "right" weight or under weight. Everyone has a story, everyone is human and everyone goes through struggles.
Maybe your 350lbs and trying to lose weight, maybe you struggle to not eat the foods that aren't so good for your weight loss, or maybe you just hate working out, or maybe your 69 pounds and fighting to gain weight. Maybe your at a good weight but you want to tone your body. Maybe your just a person in the world like everyone else. Maybe just maybe if we stopped for a moment and stopped competing with one another, we could empower one another, we could encourage eachother and lift eachother up.
Maybe your not someone who's struggle, but maybe you know someone who is.. It's hard to be the person struggling, But it's also really hard to watch someone struggling and knowing there is nothing that anyone can do but them.
Maybe your overweight and you like your body, maybe your underweight and you like your body, maybe your at the "right" weight and you like your body. Does that make you coincided? No! Absolutely not. You are completely allowed to love yourself, your body and the image you see in the mirror. It doesn't make you "better" than anyone and it doesn't make you "worse" it makes you human. Just as the people who don't like their bodies, it doesn't make them any less of people. It also doesn't make them better either. We are all humans, were all equal. Is it so hard to empower and lift someone up? I feel like it takes a lot more energy to hate then to love.
I see a lot online about men only liking women with curves, or men don't like bones only dogs, I seen something today about how apparently if your skinny you think your better than everyone else...
So here is to all those people who think just because girls are skinny they think their better.
A lot of women don't choose to be skinny, a lot of women are naturally built that way, a lot of women have eating Disoders which causes them to loose weight and become very skinny. Such as myself.
Yes I am skinny, yes I am 95pounds. Do I feel like I'm better than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel like I deserve more than anyone else? NO!!!!! Do I feel higher up than everyone else? NOOOOOO! Do I look down on bigger women? NOOOO! Do I think bigger women think they think their better than me ? NOOOO!

I didn't choose anorexia, I didn't choose to be skinny... So next time you want to judge someone because they are skinny, or bigger. Think twice.

If you were struggling and you needed to be uplifted and someone came over and told you how stupid and ugly you were and that you thought you were better than everyone else... You wouldn't feel very good, remember that next time you go to call someone down.

She saved me, can my story help you?

It doesn't matter to me wether I help thousands of people or just one person. What matters to me is that I'm sharing my story, to help get some of the things eating away inside my mind of my chest, and to hopefully help and encourage women and men to realize their not alone, this is a disease that many people suffer from, and it's something that you can completely recover from, just because you have anorexia/ED doesn't mean you can't over come it. Don't get me wrong I know that a lot of people don't recovery fully and have to have help the rest of their lives to stay healthy and on track with eating. That doesn't make you any less of a person, it doesn't mean you don't deserve life because you sometimes need a hand at taking care of yourself. You still deserve life, you deserve to be helped, to be encouraged and to be cheered on, whether it be by family, friends or health care professionals. Just because you can't always do it on your own doesn't mean your not worthy. It just means that you need guidance to not go down the path of relapsing.
It's scary, feeling like your all alone. Like no one understand, like no one cares. People will say your just doing it for attention, which just makes you want to end your life more because the last thing you want is the negative attention that your putting on yourself. Although your mind doesn't know any different, it's been programmed by anorexia to take over when your starting to feel positive. It's been programmed to tell you your not good enough, you eat to much, you have no control over yourself and your life. It tells you all of these things because it wants your life, it wants to see you suffer, but not because anyone else is making you suffer, anorexia wants to watch you make yourself suffer, until you eventually die of starvation or organ failure maybe even heart attack.
No matter how much you tell yourself this is anorexia talking and I know I need to change, reprogramming your mind can be the hardest things possible, I mean when times get rough you go back to your "norm" and for people with anorexia, starving themselves or bingeing and purging is two ways of being in the "norm", another way is putting yourself down, wether it be about who you are as a person, what you look like to yourself in the mirror or even how you feel about the things you've done in the past. It can all creep up very easily and sneakily, especially during this reprogramming stage.
For example: I have been taking ensures and vitamins every morning for a month and a half now, and I still don't see that as my normal, I still see not eating until after 3-4pm my normal. It's could take months to reprogram, it could take a week from now, honestly no one knows how long this process will take. First off because everyone is different and secondly because your fighting anorexia, a disease, a mental illness, something you can't just tell to piss off and leave you alone, it doesn't work like that. (If only it did... Sigh) life would be a lot easier for me if it did that's for sure.
Your not only battling a disease and mental illness, your battling yourself. Which is the hardest battle of all.
To look in the mirror and hate who you see staring back at you, to look and hate everything about what's in the mirror when your standing there bare. Lately a lot of the times when I look into the mirror I just burst into tears because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to fight this battle, I worry so much that anorexia will take my life, and gladly too. Anorexia doesn't care that I have two kids I need to be on this earth for, anorexia doesn't care I've assaulted and hurt my parents mentally and emotionally, anorexia doesn't care that I push close friends away to the point of closed relationships/friendships. Anorexia doesn't give a fuck about anything but starving me, ultimately killing me. Anorexia would do just about anything to have my life under it's belt, and that scares me.
I feel like I'm fighting satan. A big mean fucking devil. That lives inside me, each and every day.
One day, I hope to not feel the need to battle the devil, I hope one day to be healthy and stable, I don't think I will ever fully recovery from anorexia, and even if I do I don't plan to leave my medical team, for the rest of my life I am going to do counselling therapy and have a dietician, so that I can ensure I am doing everything I can to freeze this hell going on inside me. So I can finally be in control of myself again, so I can take back my life, my emotions and maybe even recover some bridges that have been burned.
Maybe one day, the hell won't just freeze but it will be gone, wouldn't that just be the ultimate utopia.
Here to all those people fighting Satan inside them, here's to all those people taking back their lives, here's to all those people who support and encourage those who need help and recovery, here's to all the people who have helped me, and an even bigger thanks to someone very dear to me, who helped me open my eyes, who saw right into my soul, who read through my smiles and looked at me and said, I see a lost and broken soul. Thank you to Brittany Rankin, an inspiring, encouraging, supportive woman. Who opened my eyes to this, who made me realize I'm worth it, who helped me to come to terms with needing recovery, all while over social media! She's an amazing woman and I couldn't have done this without her words and encouragement, a huge massive shout out to the girl who saved my life ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that your incredible, you saved me Brittany, don't ever forget it!

Living In Fear Everyday

when I look at deeply at myself, I struggle to find positive things. Mostly I see what I've done in the past, the things I've said, the people I've hurt, the bridges I've burned. I see the storms I've created and the struggles I've made for myself. When I look at myself I see a broken person, someone who has lost control of the only thing she felt she had control over, I see someone filled with regrets, a girl living in her past, someone who's afraid of the future and afraid of the past. I'm living in fear. The question I have is what am I living in fear of..?
First off I don't have my kids.. I've already lived the hardest thing any parent could go through, and the only thing I can do now is focus on getting my life in order so I can finally stop living in this nightmare of other people raising my kids. Don't get me wrong I am so so grateful they have healthy happy lives, that still doesn't change I wish more than anything I could be stable and giving them those lives.
Secondly, I have anorexia. What is scarier than that? I live each day just trying not to let anorexia starve me. I spend everyday fighting myself, my emotions and that little voice inside my head telling me I don't need to eat. Why do I live in fear of a normal life when this is the most terrifying thing I've ever had to go through?
I wish I could tell you. I really do.

Thirdly, I live in fear of judgement. Why? I feel like I need to impress everyone around me, and honestly I'm really bad at it. I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I lose sight of me, I lose sight of what's truly important. I end up overwhelmed, emotions running high and then something huge happens that doesn't only impact my life, but my children's lives and my parents lives. It hurts me to know that I have played a huge role in changing other peoples lives because of my failures, such as my mom. She's had to change her entire life to raise my daughter.
Fourthly, I've hurt everyone I love. I don't know why I live in fear when my biggest fears have already come true. I've hurt my mother physically, emotionally, I'm sure mentally as well. That kills me inside. She's my mom, she was like my best friend. We were so close. Thinking about the fact I've done the things I've done, and said the things I've said to her. I can't believe it. If my daughter ever spoke to me the way I've spoken to my mother I'd be heart broken, disgusted and completely in shock. I wouldn't know how to react or what to say. I don't blame my mom for the things she's done to protect my kids. It's really hard for me to say, but I'm happy she did it.

All I want is to be healthy, happy and be able to be a great mother to my kids. It will take time, and it doesn't happen overnight. Things will get better and maybe one day I'll have an answer as to why I live in fear every single day.

just eat they say

Getting healthy for me isn't just about eating daily, taking my vitamins and the whole food aspect of it. A huge part of my recovery is recovering mentally. Learning about myself. Figuring out how to cope with my emotions. Making sure I go to my weekly dietician appointments, my counselling appointments, my monthly doctor visits and making sure I'm being completely honest. You can't get better if your lying to yourself or to the people trying to help you. You have to accept the problem and then realize what it's doing to you, you have to realize that this is a disorder and your not a horrible person because of it.
Sometimes my worst eating days are my best emotion days, and sometimes it's the other way around. I don't know what sets me off yet, and that's what I need to work so hard to figure out. I can't control what I don't acknowledge, and what I don't understand. So working towards understanding and overcoming is my main battle. I know I have a problem and I hear a lot "just eat" "isn't it as easy as just eating". Honestly no, it isn't just as easy as eating, because even if I'm sitting there with my favourite good in front of me I have no desire for it, no crave for the taste or what it would feel like to make my stomach stop knotting.
When you have an eating disorder you forget what you used to enjoy. I remember the first time I had eaten yogurt in a very long time, and I realized how much I absolutely love yogurt, but for so long my mind told me it would be gross.
I have started to regain the feeling of hunger, I lost it for a while I mean every week I'd get this hunger feeling, but it wouldn't come daily like most people. My stomach would tighten, feeling like there was knot in my stomach, it would make me feel sick, so instead of feeling hungry it got to the point of just feeling sick or major discomfort.
I love feeling hungry again, I know that might sound weird, but that tight knotting feeling is slowly going away, and it means that my little steps are working and it makes me feel really good!
Like I said it's not just about the food though, I need to figure out why this anorexia started, how it got so bad, and what sets it off.
Anorexia isn't just about eating, there is a huge mental impact about this. Look up what happens when you starve your body, and then tell me that someone with anorexia can make a rational choice.

Understanding is the biggest thing I need to learn about because I don't understand anorexia as well as I need to to recovery fully. That's my goal, to learn and research and listen to the doctors so I can better understand what's going on inside me!