My past does not define me

I recently made a video for an event which involved working with youth and researching and learning about mental illness. I made two videos. One was about eating disorders and one was about self harm. As I did research I learned there are many forms of self harm. Many forms I personally have done and dealt with. One that really stood out to me was trouble with the law, in my past I dealt with trouble with the law, often actually.  I never realized how so many of my actions were self harm. It was me hurting myself, punishing myself for not living up to the expectations I had set out for myself. This first time I got into trouble with the law I was 16 years old, I was . I was arrested early one morning before school. After the incident I had to report to a probation officer, while I waited for the court date to arrive. I remember so clearly the panic I felt realizing what I had done. It was while I was getting my finger prints done, the man looked at me and he said, "young lady what are you doing here, you don't look like you should be here at all". My stomach sank and I felt sick, scared and like I may have just ruined my entire life. He was right, I didn't belong there. What I did warranted me to be arrested and I was in fact guilty of the charges that were laid against me. That is not the reason I say I don't belong there. I say it because I know in my heart it is wrong to put your hands on someone else in anger, or any other form unwanted. I reported to my probation every time, I did the counselling and the assessments that were listed in my probation rules. Just shortly before I was about to finish my length of probation, there was another incident. This time, it was not involving my family. This time I was charged with twice, and another length of probation was added. At the time of this incident I was 17 years old. This made it so I was unable to see both my children unattended. I was removed from school and the school district as well. I could feel my life crumbling beneath my feet. Looking back now I can see that all of these actions were self harm, at that point in my life I truly did not care if this all impacted my future, because I honestly couldn't see a future for myself. I did not feel after all that I had done I deserved one. I did not feel worth the ground I walked on, I did not feel deserving of the food I did allow myself to eat, I did not like the person who looked back at me when I looked into the mirror. I hated everything that I was and everything that I was becoming. I hated how I treated people and I told myself that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change. I realize now that was my self harm brain talking.
 At the age of 18 or 19 I was arrested again. This time I was given more probation, a curfew and a no drinking order. I knew that after this incident, I needed to do something I had never done to get results in my life I had never gotten. My mom, step dad, brother and daughter had moved to Nanaimo. Since I could not finish my schooling in the town I was living in I decided to start looking at places for just myself in Nanaimo, to be closer to my daughter. I spoke with my probation officer about why I felt moving to Nanaimo was going to benefit my life. I wanted to work hard to be there for my daughter again and be the parents I knew I could be. In July 2013 I moved into a bachelor apartment downtown Nanaimo. I started going over to my moms house every day and spending time with my daughter more and more, then went back to high school.  Having a curfew really sucked for me at this time, as I lived across town and with school I could only see my daughter for short periods. After a while I asked my probation officer if I could have the curfew address put to mine and my moms as well, so that I could either be home or at my moms with my daughter when I needed to be in for curfew. As I was doing really well, and I had not had any breaches, they granted me that. I worked my butt off in school and graduated with honors. My curfew was up, and I still had a little bit of time left to go on my probation. I decided to go spend a weekend in the town I had moved from to visit some friends. I was still not supposed to drink alcohol. I choose to go out to the bar that night and play a game of pool. That is all it was supposed to be. Then pool turned into drinking and dancing. I ended up getting separated from my friends and getting jumped on my way back to the bar. Which in turn lead someone to call the police and I got arrested for breach of probation because I was not to be drinking or in an establishment where the main intent is to sell liquor. The next morning, I walked across town and waited until a friend was able to pick me up, help me get my stuff and bring me back to Nanaimo. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I had been doing so well, I was almost done and I just wanted it to be over with. As I waited for the court date my lawyer told me they wanted to try and get me in for at least 60 days, I was petrified. He was able to defend that this was my only breach of probation and that they felt I needed to move on with my life and try to get past being in trouble with the law. The end result I was to pay a fine. Since that probation has ended, and the fine has been paid. I have not been arrested or charged with anything else. As I sit here and write this, I have a part time job, I have my daughter living with me full time. I live with my partner who I am able to work with through conflict. I have gotten my learners driving license and life is moving forward. I've been feeling really down and out lately and having a hard time being grateful. I realized that maybe I needed to rehash some of my past to realize that life has gotten better, hard work does pay off, and I can in fact change for the better. I have learned about self care, which is not something I used to find very important. Routine and being able to voice myself without anger is also important. Sometimes for me this means writing it down on paper, or waiting until I do not feel so much anger before speaking to someone. I am still learning, I am no where near perfect. In fact I never will be, and that is okay because I do not want perfection. I just want to work hard every day to be better than I was yesterday. If you are still reading this I hope that you realize that the struggles you have had, are going through or may go through do not define you, they are not your whole life, and they will get better. You do not have to be the person you do not want to be. Change is possible.