The Truth

I have been feeling at a loss lately. I have put so much hard work into recovery, yet I have also slipped so many times that I am starting to wonder if it is even worth it anymore. I built a system that worked for me, I had my support community and I was going down the road of bettering my life. I feel like I may have bitten off more than I can chew... (I know quite the expression) I find I spend so much time worrying about everyone around me that I often forget to worry about myself. I will be so focused on the fact I want to be a good mother and make good meals, but then I don't sit down and eat them. I just prepare them for my daughter. I have found that I don't enjoy a lot of the things I used to enjoy. I am having a hard time enjoying a relaxing bath. It honestly has been taking every bit of energy I have to even be able to shower. I went through a really rough patch recently where I wouldn't shower for 3-4 days because I didn't feel like I deserved it. I started trying to make myself shower every morning and get into a routine. It helped for a good five days and now I am really struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I am waking up frustrated and angry. It takes EVERYTHING inside of me to clean my house. I have lost all motivation to cook what so ever. I don't feel like I deserve to do my nails because when I spend money on that my mind is telling me that it is taking away from food. I bought myself new shoes last week, and had to convince my own self that it was okay because I really did need them. I've come to loose some weight recently and now I've had to buy pants from the kids section. That was an extremely hard pill to swallow. I stopped posting progress photos and keeping track of my meals. I have honestly let go of myself. I am scared and I feel hopeless. This isn't what I want. I have sat down and made plans for a day, which included food and self care and then the next day comes to follow it and I'm fighting my mind once again. I've lost interest in some of my favorite shows and movies. I am finding that I am irritated more than I am not. I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win... and that quite frankly is the scariest thought. IM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED.