have you ever actually sat down and considered what your parents have dealt with?
I mean weve been around in their lives since we were born, what about before we were born? What did they go through? what kind of life did they have, have they been through anything like what we are going through? do we even consider this?
I know I sure havent. That changed today.. Today I spent five and a half hours at a Visions Board Workshop called "The Art Of Allowing" with my mom. I learned some things about my mom that I had never even imagined in her life. I learned that my mom hasnt got to dream since she became a mom. My mom has since the day my brother was first born put her children first, in every aspect of life. Today I learned that although my mother and I have had our battles, I am incredibly grateful that she is my mother. I got insight into my mothers dreams and passions. do you know how
incredible that felt to hear my mom talk about something in life she would love to go after? I hope you do know because as hard as Ive tried I cannot put that feeling into words. I got to not think about my own self and my own life and actually listen to my mom and what shes always dreamed of. I got to hear some of what happened before she became a mom. It made me feel selfish because I have never taken the time to actually even wonder about my moms life before me. I mean Ive heard
stories and seen pictures. I hadnt honestly thought about the things she went through as a little girl, a youth and a young women. Ive never considered the things that brought her to becoming a parent. Today I got to see a little piece of that and it really opened up my eyes and my heart. Ive struggled alot because of some of the things my mom and I have gone through have caused me some resentment and has caused a strain on our relationship. Today a lot of that resentment
went away, I dont look at my mother the same way I did seven hours ago. I see a strong, independant incredible woman. Who gave me life, who gave me hope, who is now showing me to dream and to go after what I belive in. My mom is a rock star. She not only raised me and my brother whole heartly but she has also helped raised my son and is raising my daughter.
I also want to add how incredible of a job shes doing. My mom is inspiring, she accepted a problem in her life grabbed it by the horns and took control again. My mom puts everyone before her own self. She is the most forgiving person I know.
After all the things I have put my family through, mom took the shit end of the stick to be perfectly honest. She got the anger, the frusteration, the blame, the tears, the heartbreak, all of it. She got the physical side of my rage, she got the worst of it. I look back and am disgusted at what ive put my mother through, especially after today.
Today I learned to have some gratitude for everything my mom has gone through in life, because without her there would be no me. I am grateful for today and for the time I got to spend with my mother. Something I hope we can do more of.
Saturday 31 January 2015
Monday 26 January 2015
Anorexia needs to be talked about
I'm going to start this blog post off with a huge thank you to everyone who has stood behind me, encourage me, supported me, made donations, reached out to give information or even to share apart of your story with me! You have all given me so much more hope than I had before, you've made me step back and realize how many genuine caring people really are in this world. It's open my eyes even more to how little people know about anorexia.
How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute.... You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.
The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!
How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute.... You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.
The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!
Tuesday 20 January 2015
As I pack my bags... my mind begins to wander
As I start to pack my life back into suitcases, I'm realizing how much my life has changed since I last did this. That was only in September as I moved October first.
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!
Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.
I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.
I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!
Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.
I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.
I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...
Wednesday 14 January 2015
My video reaching out
I decided to do this blog entry a little differently, click the link below to view the video of this blog
I have been recently looking into any treatment I can get. I have found this treatment centre which has no waiting list right now.
This is the email I got from them when inquiring:
"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind. I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program. It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do! Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!
Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change. Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them. Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program. Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support. We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom. The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly. We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress. Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work. We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.
We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now. The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program. We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us. Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.
Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype. I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "
I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!
The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4
post : https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wpwojesjTfo
I have been recently looking into any treatment I can get. I have found this treatment centre which has no waiting list right now.
This is the email I got from them when inquiring:
"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind. I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program. It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do! Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!
Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change. Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them. Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program. Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support. We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom. The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly. We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress. Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work. We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.
We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now. The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program. We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us. Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.
Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype. I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "
I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!
The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4
post : https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wpwojesjTfo
Monday 12 January 2015
Reaching out for help with treatment...
I have been recently looking into any treatment I can get. I have found this treatment centre which has no waiting list right now.
This is the email I got from them when inquiring:
"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind. I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program. It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do! Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!
Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change. Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them. Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program. Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support. We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom. The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly. We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress. Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work. We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.
We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now. The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program. We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us. Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.
Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype. I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "
I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!
The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4
This is the email I got from them when inquiring:
"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind. I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program. It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do! Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!
Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change. Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them. Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program. Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support. We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom. The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly. We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress. Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work. We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.
We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now. The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program. We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us. Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.
Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype. I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "
I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!
The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4
Sunday 11 January 2015
Time to stop lying to myself, it's me not you.
Have you ever just been sitting somewhere staring out into the world just embracing the calmness of a sunset or the chaos of the waves crashing against the rocks. Completely accepting of exactly how it looks or even feels at that moment. While your just looking out and taking it all in. You kind of wish that even the greatest of lens could capture what you see through your eyes. You don't try to perfect it, you just accept it for exactly what it is. Have you ever just wishes that the world would stay still so that you could just enjoy the beauty of it..
How when the sun goes down the sky has that sunset glow to it, the one that just kind of makes you appreciate life a little but more. Even when it seems your entire world is coming crashing down on you, just taking in the world can calm your thoughts. Have you ever been driving down the highway and saw one of those big fields with the mountains in the back ground, and just wish you could just run into the beauty if it all, into the calmness that your eyes see when your looking at this view. Running just far enough so no one can hear you while you just SCREAM, let it all out just been down.
Every time I go up a mountain or up to somewhere I can look over the town/city I want to just scream. Would anyone down there hear me? Have you ever been so tired of hearing your own sobbing you put your headphones in and just blared the music so you couldn't heard yourself anymore. I always thought as I got older my emotions would be easier to handle, but to be honest it's only become harder. I've come to find out many things about myself that I really don't like. It's made it almost impossible to love myself, let alone believe that anybody else could love me.
For years I've been trying to fill this void that I feel inside me. I've felt that void since I was a little girl. I've been trying to full this void with the attention and affection from men. Wow I feel like a slut for saying that but it's time to own my actions and really learn from them. How do you fill a void with love from someone else when you feel so unlovable. The answer is you don't. No matter how much someone else loves you if you feel unlovable it doesn't matter. You'll fight it, not trust it or just straight up sabotage it. You won't accept that they love you. You'll find every reason why they shouldn't love you or in your eyes why they don't. Even if they tell you a hundred times a day they do, or do the little things to show you.
So I've been trying to fill a void with someone else's love when I need to be filling this void with self love. The love of myself. You can only lie to yourself for so long. It becomes tiring. I didn't even realize I was trying to fill this void until I can to Prince George. I crave attention. Attention makes me feel worthy of life, it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. Although I want this attention I also want to be respected, which makes me hate the attention. How can I expect any of you to respect me when I don't even respect myself. I give myself away to those who feed me with lies. I latch on to this intense feeling of lust, in hopes that this time it will be different. I feel disgusting that when guys message me it's about something sexual or how my body looks or when they can take me home.. I guess I can't really blame them when I'm projecting myself towards them the way I do.
For the first time in a long time I don't want to find someone to share my life with. I don't want a relationship. I want to find help to learn to love and respect myself, I want to find help to stand on my own two feet. I want to get stable, go to counselling regularly and continue in the road to recovery.
I am all for new friendships and even my old friendships with the opposite sex. But if your looking to get in my pants or date me. Step back please. I am focusing on myself. If you wish to be my friend throughout this I'm all for that. If you want me sexually or relationship wise. Wait. If I'm that worth it to you, you'll wait and let me get myself together before asking me out.
It's more about self restraint than anything at all. I need to focus on me. I need to be happy for me. Not for a man.
It's time I stop lying to myself and accept this all about myself. To accept it is going to help me move forward with it.
How when the sun goes down the sky has that sunset glow to it, the one that just kind of makes you appreciate life a little but more. Even when it seems your entire world is coming crashing down on you, just taking in the world can calm your thoughts. Have you ever been driving down the highway and saw one of those big fields with the mountains in the back ground, and just wish you could just run into the beauty if it all, into the calmness that your eyes see when your looking at this view. Running just far enough so no one can hear you while you just SCREAM, let it all out just been down.
Every time I go up a mountain or up to somewhere I can look over the town/city I want to just scream. Would anyone down there hear me? Have you ever been so tired of hearing your own sobbing you put your headphones in and just blared the music so you couldn't heard yourself anymore. I always thought as I got older my emotions would be easier to handle, but to be honest it's only become harder. I've come to find out many things about myself that I really don't like. It's made it almost impossible to love myself, let alone believe that anybody else could love me.
For years I've been trying to fill this void that I feel inside me. I've felt that void since I was a little girl. I've been trying to full this void with the attention and affection from men. Wow I feel like a slut for saying that but it's time to own my actions and really learn from them. How do you fill a void with love from someone else when you feel so unlovable. The answer is you don't. No matter how much someone else loves you if you feel unlovable it doesn't matter. You'll fight it, not trust it or just straight up sabotage it. You won't accept that they love you. You'll find every reason why they shouldn't love you or in your eyes why they don't. Even if they tell you a hundred times a day they do, or do the little things to show you.
So I've been trying to fill a void with someone else's love when I need to be filling this void with self love. The love of myself. You can only lie to yourself for so long. It becomes tiring. I didn't even realize I was trying to fill this void until I can to Prince George. I crave attention. Attention makes me feel worthy of life, it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. Although I want this attention I also want to be respected, which makes me hate the attention. How can I expect any of you to respect me when I don't even respect myself. I give myself away to those who feed me with lies. I latch on to this intense feeling of lust, in hopes that this time it will be different. I feel disgusting that when guys message me it's about something sexual or how my body looks or when they can take me home.. I guess I can't really blame them when I'm projecting myself towards them the way I do.
For the first time in a long time I don't want to find someone to share my life with. I don't want a relationship. I want to find help to learn to love and respect myself, I want to find help to stand on my own two feet. I want to get stable, go to counselling regularly and continue in the road to recovery.
I am all for new friendships and even my old friendships with the opposite sex. But if your looking to get in my pants or date me. Step back please. I am focusing on myself. If you wish to be my friend throughout this I'm all for that. If you want me sexually or relationship wise. Wait. If I'm that worth it to you, you'll wait and let me get myself together before asking me out.
It's more about self restraint than anything at all. I need to focus on me. I need to be happy for me. Not for a man.
It's time I stop lying to myself and accept this all about myself. To accept it is going to help me move forward with it.
Saturday 10 January 2015
What a learning expirence it's been
Well, my journey in Prince George is coming to an end. My ticket has been paid for and I get to spend the rest of the next three weeks packing and sending my stuff back home. It's kind of bitter sweet.
I'm extremely happy to be closer to my kids and able to see my daughter daily again. As well, I'm going to be a lot closer to my family support and a counsellor that I get along with very well and who helps push to help me strive.
Maybe leaving Nanaimo was the lesson I needed to realize that's where I belong.
Coming to Prince George was not all negatives for my life. I took some huge steps in recovery and found a little more of myself along the way. It just doesn't feel right here. I'm glad I came here, I learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others. I took myself away from some triggers and maybe I even gained some tools on how I can start to fix those. I've spent a lot of time realizing what I really want in life. I've also learned that not everything is always going to go as planned. Something's go off track, shit the bed or just plain out don't happen. And that's just life and we just have to move forward. If we get stuck on a moment we lose so many more than we realize caring to much about this simple thing that we need to get over and move on from. Some people come into your life as a lesson, they aren't meant to stay and they teach you a lot about yourself and life.
Lesson learned. Time to get over it and move on with my life. I can't let this set back all the hard work I have put into my recovery. I really hope that I can start a new life back on the island, I'm going to start looking for my own place. To be independent. Without a man. I don't want another man, I am not looking for another man.
I am looking to love myself again. I am looking to rebuild my life with my children. A man is not important to me right now. I am important. I am being selfish for myself. My health, and my children. I deserve it and so do those beautiful little ones I've brought into this world. I know I can be strong and stand on my own two feet without needing to rely on someone else, so it's about damn time I step the hell up and do it.
This next three weeks is about leaving behind the past, leaving all my negativity behind when I step onto that bus to start my life again.
Here is to continuing with recovery, to a healthier me. To a stronger me, to a more stable me. Here is to working hard to get myself where I need to be. Patience. Patience and more patience.
I'm extremely happy to be closer to my kids and able to see my daughter daily again. As well, I'm going to be a lot closer to my family support and a counsellor that I get along with very well and who helps push to help me strive.
Maybe leaving Nanaimo was the lesson I needed to realize that's where I belong.
Coming to Prince George was not all negatives for my life. I took some huge steps in recovery and found a little more of myself along the way. It just doesn't feel right here. I'm glad I came here, I learned a lot about myself and how I interact with others. I took myself away from some triggers and maybe I even gained some tools on how I can start to fix those. I've spent a lot of time realizing what I really want in life. I've also learned that not everything is always going to go as planned. Something's go off track, shit the bed or just plain out don't happen. And that's just life and we just have to move forward. If we get stuck on a moment we lose so many more than we realize caring to much about this simple thing that we need to get over and move on from. Some people come into your life as a lesson, they aren't meant to stay and they teach you a lot about yourself and life.
Lesson learned. Time to get over it and move on with my life. I can't let this set back all the hard work I have put into my recovery. I really hope that I can start a new life back on the island, I'm going to start looking for my own place. To be independent. Without a man. I don't want another man, I am not looking for another man.
I am looking to love myself again. I am looking to rebuild my life with my children. A man is not important to me right now. I am important. I am being selfish for myself. My health, and my children. I deserve it and so do those beautiful little ones I've brought into this world. I know I can be strong and stand on my own two feet without needing to rely on someone else, so it's about damn time I step the hell up and do it.
This next three weeks is about leaving behind the past, leaving all my negativity behind when I step onto that bus to start my life again.
Here is to continuing with recovery, to a healthier me. To a stronger me, to a more stable me. Here is to working hard to get myself where I need to be. Patience. Patience and more patience.
Thursday 8 January 2015
The Reasons I share My Story
People say "get off the internet" "why post your food" "why post your struggle" "stop blogging and get help" "help yourself before you help others"
First of all, I was doing much worse before I started posting my meals, I was doing much worse before, I started sharing my struggle and my story, my journey to health.
Sharing my story has inspired myself more than you'd know. I am facing the demon inside of me by sharing my story and writing my blog.
Secondly, I know that so so many people support and encourage my posts and my blog! I am in no way taking away from the tremendous amounts of support I get!
Thirdly, I am inspiring people ALL OVER THE WORLD, with my blog. I am inspiring young women and young men all over Instagram. I am inspiring myself every single day with the words that I end up writing. I have people who look forward to reading my story and other who reach out to say they feel like they know me. People with or without eating disorders being inspired and learning about this horrible disease. I have girls who are young and I mean to young to be battling this who come to me when they just need to feel supported and I can go to all of them aswell. Sharing my story has helped me in so so many ways.
I am no longer ashamed of my anorexia. I am in no way proud of it either. I have lifted so many weights off my shoulders just letting some of my biggest fears and feelings out. For the entire world to see. On the biggest place of judgement you could ever come across; the internet, and you know what I've received in return?
Positivity, friends, I have received support and encouragements the feeling I get when someone tells me my story means something! I get to give the gift of understand this horrible disease and how it can live inside of you without you even knowing it's there. I have given myself the opportunity to write my journey down so that I can not only help myself, which is the main focus of why I started this blog but to help others as well! I am not the only one struggling and if my blog can save someone's life, or even just help someone for a day, an hour even just a minute, to put a smile on someone's face or to give understanding to those who are in the unknown, to give understanding to the people watching others go through this disease that matters to me. That makes me feel strong, stronger against this battle I live with everyday.
I didn't start sharing my story for anyone but myself, but I continue to share my story for the hundreds of people who have reached out to me in just a few short months, to all those people my blog helps and to all those I've inspired! I continue to share my story because I know that even in the biggest place of judgement, I can be open and honest, and not be torn apart and that to me shows me that I'm doing something right by sharing my story.
EMPOWER ONE ANOTHER! No matter how they choose to recover! ❤️
First of all, I was doing much worse before I started posting my meals, I was doing much worse before, I started sharing my struggle and my story, my journey to health.
Sharing my story has inspired myself more than you'd know. I am facing the demon inside of me by sharing my story and writing my blog.
Secondly, I know that so so many people support and encourage my posts and my blog! I am in no way taking away from the tremendous amounts of support I get!
Thirdly, I am inspiring people ALL OVER THE WORLD, with my blog. I am inspiring young women and young men all over Instagram. I am inspiring myself every single day with the words that I end up writing. I have people who look forward to reading my story and other who reach out to say they feel like they know me. People with or without eating disorders being inspired and learning about this horrible disease. I have girls who are young and I mean to young to be battling this who come to me when they just need to feel supported and I can go to all of them aswell. Sharing my story has helped me in so so many ways.
I am no longer ashamed of my anorexia. I am in no way proud of it either. I have lifted so many weights off my shoulders just letting some of my biggest fears and feelings out. For the entire world to see. On the biggest place of judgement you could ever come across; the internet, and you know what I've received in return?
Positivity, friends, I have received support and encouragements the feeling I get when someone tells me my story means something! I get to give the gift of understand this horrible disease and how it can live inside of you without you even knowing it's there. I have given myself the opportunity to write my journey down so that I can not only help myself, which is the main focus of why I started this blog but to help others as well! I am not the only one struggling and if my blog can save someone's life, or even just help someone for a day, an hour even just a minute, to put a smile on someone's face or to give understanding to those who are in the unknown, to give understanding to the people watching others go through this disease that matters to me. That makes me feel strong, stronger against this battle I live with everyday.
I didn't start sharing my story for anyone but myself, but I continue to share my story for the hundreds of people who have reached out to me in just a few short months, to all those people my blog helps and to all those I've inspired! I continue to share my story because I know that even in the biggest place of judgement, I can be open and honest, and not be torn apart and that to me shows me that I'm doing something right by sharing my story.
EMPOWER ONE ANOTHER! No matter how they choose to recover! ❤️
Sunday 4 January 2015
Then Vs Now
A few months ago I was so weak it literally took every fibre in my body just to get out of bed. It took even more out of me not to go back into bed. Upon standing I would get very dizzy and faint, I had to hold on to something or make sure I got up close to something so I had something to lean on. Sometimes I would get faint and dizzy just sitting there or laying in bed. I had shooting pains every single day from my toes up to my head. At high risk for heart attack and organ failure. Physically I was drained in every way possible. It took me hours to be able to convince myself to go for a walk with my daughter or to go get the thing from the store I wanted. Every time I went for a walk I would get over heated, sweaty and extremely light headed. My jaw started to hurt more and more each day. I could feel my body becoming smaller and smaller. Headaches came and went viciously, Cold all the time, although I was sweating I was still cold. I grew a very very thin layer of hair over my entire body.. You could see it in my face in my body, I was withering away to nothing, physically, emotionally and mentally.
I realized how badly my health was becoming. After being denied by in patient treatment centres and the hospital in my town I was feeling very defeated, like I was supposed to let my life go to Ana. I was fighting with my family and it was no bodies fault but my own. Ana was screaming and I was letting her win. She was firing a vicious storm to stop the help from happening. I was starting to realize I need to fight back. I am 5'6 1/2 and I weighed 89 pounds.. I had a BMI of 13.. My heart rate was rapid, I am low in Vitamins D, B12 and B1..
I was becoming terrified. First off I had just accepted I had anorexia sometime last year, and I mean really accepted it. When I went to see a counsellor at the walk in counselling centre. I met the woman who helped me fight my own mind, who didn't give up on me when Ana came raging into my mind and attacked those around me. She pushed through, checked up on me even after a big blow out, she gave me hope again that I wasn't supposed to go, I have more to live for than that. That's when I truly accepted I had anorexia. I worked my ass off with that counsellor to get a team set up so I could eventually go to in patient treatment. I was denied by the treatment centre. Heart broken.. Feeling defeated. I had been talking to someone online for quite some time. We were extremely close and he offered to help me. After Skype calls and phone calls, text messages and just hours and days of getting to know one another. We decided to make a plan for me to move up there because there is an eating disorder clinic up where he lives. I know I'm crazy for even doing it. October 1st was the set day that I would leave my life on Vancouver Island pack up and move to somewhere I had never been before, to someone I had never met face to face. My family wasn't to impressed but they supported my decision to make my own choices. So I spent weeks getting everything into place, so that when I moved I would be already involved with the ED clinic, and be able to start focusing on my recovery full force.
I can't sit here and tell you that everything has been perfect. I miss my kids more than you could ever know... My babies! It's hard being so far away. I also know it's for the best right now. Before I came I started drinking ensure as much as I could but once I got here I started always having ensure and taking my vitamins, I was starting to eat more, and everything was starting to get better slowly.
My Health is still not up to par yet. My heart is still at risk, my organs as well. I still am cold a lot of the time and moving to Prince George really didn't help the cold aspect of it (BRRRR -20 today).
I still have mountains to climb before my health is where it should be. As for right now I'm feeling a lot better than I was 4 months ago. I have the little energy to get out of bed, and the energy to not go back into bed all day. Just for short little periods. I am able to walk to the store and get myself whatever it is I need without worrying about fainting or falling over . Without getting totally over heated, that might be because it's crazy cold out side! I am actually able to help out around the house without it taking me hours and hours, or without it making me feel like I need to sleep for 6 hours during the day. I am starting to get my hunger feelings back. Last night I actually felt hungry. I feel less like food has control over me and more like I have control over food.
I won't lie, I have my days where I'm literally exhausted from fighting Ana. I feel defeated and I just want to give up. I still have my days where I restrict and I don't even realize. Recovery does not happen over night. Recovery does not happen in a week. Recovery does not happen in a month. Recovery can take months and months or even years and years. Anorexia is a battle within yourself. It is a struggle that if you don't have it you might not understand it. I did not choose Ana. Ana came into my life sneakily and took over with great great power. Food is still pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and sometimes I get so frustrated trying to figure out what to eat I end up not eating.
I am doing much better than I was four months ago. Breakfast isn't so scary anymore. That was huge challenge for me.
It feels good to concur Ana, when I finish a meal, or drink a big smoothie. It makes me feel good and strong, like I have a fighting chance against this fucking bitch (pardon my language there). It makes me think to myself that I am worthy of life without Ana. I am allowed to get better and I didn't believe that before. She can't take me anymore, she may be able to creep in a few days here and there right now, not for long.. Slowly she is being shunned, killed... Be gone bitch. Be gone. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, I sure am a lot farther from where I was..
I feel grateful for the people who looked at me and told me that I was worth it, the people who never gave up on me, my mom for dealing with everything she's ever had to deal with because of me and because of Ana. I couldn't have done any of this without her raising my daughter. To my sons grandparents and father for raising my son and giving him everything he needs while I battle this demon inside me. I am grateful to that counsellor for standing up for me, for spending hours and days helping me get it all sorted out, for making the appointments for me and even sitting in on them with me just so I would actually do it. I am grateful for a friend who sat me down and said I know your not okay, I know your broken and I see so much inside of you. That day I had faith that someone actually seen how much I was struggling inside, how much I actually need help. I'm so grateful for my followers and supporters.
I started sharing my story because I wanted my struggle, my journey, everything I've experienced and dealt with to mean something. If writing my personal story and sharing it all over the internet for the world to see is going to help someone, even just one single person out the there, my story matters. I have had so many people reach out to me through comments, but most of all the people who have reached out to me in private messages and inspiring quotes and pictures. It might seem ridiculous but this all makes me feel like my story means something, like it matters to someone.
I started my blog on oct 11th after I moved to Prince George. Since that day I have received 1168 views. INCREDIBLE! the fact my story is getting out there the way it is is empowering for me. It's helped me feel a lot stronger in my journey.
So to every single person who has been apart of my journey, family, friends, counsellors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, my boyfriend, my followers, my social media friends, random strangers, people I've met along the way. Thank you so much!
Sharing my story has helped in so many ways for me, and the fact that my writing is helping others to just means that much more!
I realized how badly my health was becoming. After being denied by in patient treatment centres and the hospital in my town I was feeling very defeated, like I was supposed to let my life go to Ana. I was fighting with my family and it was no bodies fault but my own. Ana was screaming and I was letting her win. She was firing a vicious storm to stop the help from happening. I was starting to realize I need to fight back. I am 5'6 1/2 and I weighed 89 pounds.. I had a BMI of 13.. My heart rate was rapid, I am low in Vitamins D, B12 and B1..
I was becoming terrified. First off I had just accepted I had anorexia sometime last year, and I mean really accepted it. When I went to see a counsellor at the walk in counselling centre. I met the woman who helped me fight my own mind, who didn't give up on me when Ana came raging into my mind and attacked those around me. She pushed through, checked up on me even after a big blow out, she gave me hope again that I wasn't supposed to go, I have more to live for than that. That's when I truly accepted I had anorexia. I worked my ass off with that counsellor to get a team set up so I could eventually go to in patient treatment. I was denied by the treatment centre. Heart broken.. Feeling defeated. I had been talking to someone online for quite some time. We were extremely close and he offered to help me. After Skype calls and phone calls, text messages and just hours and days of getting to know one another. We decided to make a plan for me to move up there because there is an eating disorder clinic up where he lives. I know I'm crazy for even doing it. October 1st was the set day that I would leave my life on Vancouver Island pack up and move to somewhere I had never been before, to someone I had never met face to face. My family wasn't to impressed but they supported my decision to make my own choices. So I spent weeks getting everything into place, so that when I moved I would be already involved with the ED clinic, and be able to start focusing on my recovery full force.
I can't sit here and tell you that everything has been perfect. I miss my kids more than you could ever know... My babies! It's hard being so far away. I also know it's for the best right now. Before I came I started drinking ensure as much as I could but once I got here I started always having ensure and taking my vitamins, I was starting to eat more, and everything was starting to get better slowly.
My Health is still not up to par yet. My heart is still at risk, my organs as well. I still am cold a lot of the time and moving to Prince George really didn't help the cold aspect of it (BRRRR -20 today).
I still have mountains to climb before my health is where it should be. As for right now I'm feeling a lot better than I was 4 months ago. I have the little energy to get out of bed, and the energy to not go back into bed all day. Just for short little periods. I am able to walk to the store and get myself whatever it is I need without worrying about fainting or falling over . Without getting totally over heated, that might be because it's crazy cold out side! I am actually able to help out around the house without it taking me hours and hours, or without it making me feel like I need to sleep for 6 hours during the day. I am starting to get my hunger feelings back. Last night I actually felt hungry. I feel less like food has control over me and more like I have control over food.
I won't lie, I have my days where I'm literally exhausted from fighting Ana. I feel defeated and I just want to give up. I still have my days where I restrict and I don't even realize. Recovery does not happen over night. Recovery does not happen in a week. Recovery does not happen in a month. Recovery can take months and months or even years and years. Anorexia is a battle within yourself. It is a struggle that if you don't have it you might not understand it. I did not choose Ana. Ana came into my life sneakily and took over with great great power. Food is still pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and sometimes I get so frustrated trying to figure out what to eat I end up not eating.
I am doing much better than I was four months ago. Breakfast isn't so scary anymore. That was huge challenge for me.
It feels good to concur Ana, when I finish a meal, or drink a big smoothie. It makes me feel good and strong, like I have a fighting chance against this fucking bitch (pardon my language there). It makes me think to myself that I am worthy of life without Ana. I am allowed to get better and I didn't believe that before. She can't take me anymore, she may be able to creep in a few days here and there right now, not for long.. Slowly she is being shunned, killed... Be gone bitch. Be gone. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, I sure am a lot farther from where I was..
I feel grateful for the people who looked at me and told me that I was worth it, the people who never gave up on me, my mom for dealing with everything she's ever had to deal with because of me and because of Ana. I couldn't have done any of this without her raising my daughter. To my sons grandparents and father for raising my son and giving him everything he needs while I battle this demon inside me. I am grateful to that counsellor for standing up for me, for spending hours and days helping me get it all sorted out, for making the appointments for me and even sitting in on them with me just so I would actually do it. I am grateful for a friend who sat me down and said I know your not okay, I know your broken and I see so much inside of you. That day I had faith that someone actually seen how much I was struggling inside, how much I actually need help. I'm so grateful for my followers and supporters.
I started sharing my story because I wanted my struggle, my journey, everything I've experienced and dealt with to mean something. If writing my personal story and sharing it all over the internet for the world to see is going to help someone, even just one single person out the there, my story matters. I have had so many people reach out to me through comments, but most of all the people who have reached out to me in private messages and inspiring quotes and pictures. It might seem ridiculous but this all makes me feel like my story means something, like it matters to someone.
I started my blog on oct 11th after I moved to Prince George. Since that day I have received 1168 views. INCREDIBLE! the fact my story is getting out there the way it is is empowering for me. It's helped me feel a lot stronger in my journey.
So to every single person who has been apart of my journey, family, friends, counsellors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, my boyfriend, my followers, my social media friends, random strangers, people I've met along the way. Thank you so much!
Sharing my story has helped in so many ways for me, and the fact that my writing is helping others to just means that much more!
Friday 2 January 2015
I am just so tired....
And maybe in life I am just supposed to learn to live without the Disorders, maybe my life isn't about the job, the license the cars, the successfulness that people associate with money. Maybe my life is about learning to live without worrying about food, weight and body image, maybe it's about learning to love myself and just being able to live a regular daily routine, without the depression, the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and the feelings of not feeling worthy of life. Maybe I was put on this earth to overcome everything thrown my way so I can use it to empower others... What if I wasn't put on this earth to be the most Successful or the most "popular"
Lately I've been realizing I could care less if people don't like me. I'm not here to please you. And if you sitting there waiting for it, Ah, your gonna be waiting a damn long time. What if I was put on this earth to survive this illness and battle with others to overcome things too. Maybe I'm trying to impress everyone else.. I would be very happy with my life if I could just, overcome my emotional battles, if I could live a daily life without the worry of emotions and ana getting in the way, if I could eat without care and not have to worry about heart attacks and organ fail, if I could live a life without depression coming in and destroying every nice thought I have of myself and everything around me.
Most people want a successful job, to get married have a home. You know what I want ? I want this battle in my mind to stop, I want to feel okay again. I DONT WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I want to just be able to live, not worrying about staying alive. I'm so tired, I'm just so tired. I can't scream any louder, CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! Doesn't anyone see that I'm not okay.? Doesn't anyone read between my lines and see that I'm broken and I'm dying and no matter how hard I'm fighting with myself I am struggling and I am guilty..
CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! I ruin my own life, screaming for help, I destruct myself and things around me, screaming wishing and hoping someone would hear me... Someone would see I am not strong right now, my words are strong, I am good at empowering others. Myself not so much. I know I'm the only one who can fix this mess of a life I've created for myself... Wait did I even create it? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted this. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I'm screaming so loud... I'm just so tired.. I just want a life where I don't have to worry about surviving, I don't care about the fancy job, the nice cars or owing my own home. I just want health, happiness and stability. I want to be a mother to my children and to not have to worry about my heart and my organs or that I can't do any physical activity, I shouldn't feel guilty for running around with my kids, or walking to the store or having a hot bath... I JUST WANNA FEEL OKAY AGAIN.... Can anyone fucking hear me? Screaming so loud.....?
I'm just so tired... Tired of screaming... Tired of fighting... Just tired
Lately I've been realizing I could care less if people don't like me. I'm not here to please you. And if you sitting there waiting for it, Ah, your gonna be waiting a damn long time. What if I was put on this earth to survive this illness and battle with others to overcome things too. Maybe I'm trying to impress everyone else.. I would be very happy with my life if I could just, overcome my emotional battles, if I could live a daily life without the worry of emotions and ana getting in the way, if I could eat without care and not have to worry about heart attacks and organ fail, if I could live a life without depression coming in and destroying every nice thought I have of myself and everything around me.
Most people want a successful job, to get married have a home. You know what I want ? I want this battle in my mind to stop, I want to feel okay again. I DONT WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I want to just be able to live, not worrying about staying alive. I'm so tired, I'm just so tired. I can't scream any louder, CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! Doesn't anyone see that I'm not okay.? Doesn't anyone read between my lines and see that I'm broken and I'm dying and no matter how hard I'm fighting with myself I am struggling and I am guilty..
CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! I ruin my own life, screaming for help, I destruct myself and things around me, screaming wishing and hoping someone would hear me... Someone would see I am not strong right now, my words are strong, I am good at empowering others. Myself not so much. I know I'm the only one who can fix this mess of a life I've created for myself... Wait did I even create it? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted this. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I'm screaming so loud... I'm just so tired.. I just want a life where I don't have to worry about surviving, I don't care about the fancy job, the nice cars or owing my own home. I just want health, happiness and stability. I want to be a mother to my children and to not have to worry about my heart and my organs or that I can't do any physical activity, I shouldn't feel guilty for running around with my kids, or walking to the store or having a hot bath... I JUST WANNA FEEL OKAY AGAIN.... Can anyone fucking hear me? Screaming so loud.....?
I'm just so tired... Tired of screaming... Tired of fighting... Just tired
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