Nine months ago, every time I looked into the mirror I broke a little more inside, a little more self hatred would bury itself inside of me. I would try to eat and break down, I would want to leave the house and break down. I spent to many days in bed not doing any form of self care. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel good enough to live or breathe the air that surrounds me. I wanted more than anything to run away, to end my life. I did run away, I ran away to Prince George. Where I learned that running away from my life wasn't going to help me. It was only going to dig me deeper into the hole of anorexia and mental illness. I came back to my life on the Island, after posting a video reaching out for help with treatment cost. I felt like this was my last hope, my last go, the last time I was going to try to save myself. Life must have known, because I got enough money to go to the treatment center in Manitoba. Going to this treatment center changed my life, my outlook, my opinion and so much more. It changed my relationships, how I treat those around me. It taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know.
Today I sit in my own house that I share with an amazing man. I have my daughter half the time. Ive enrolled her into dance classes. My blood work has checked out healthy. I have energy again, I have motivation and drive. I know I deserve life and to breathe the air around me. I get to see my son more regularly. I have removed negative and toxic people from my life. I have reconnected with family and started to grow as a person. I have worked hard, pushed through, kept going, got knocked down, got back up, thrown into the dirt, pushed around by the government. I have struggled, I have cried, laughed, smiled, been terrified. And I am still standing. After everything I have been through one might think I'd want to go back and change some of it. Absolutely not, all of the crap, bullshit, hard times, struggles, accomplishments, good moments and everything else i have gone through has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am today. I am proud of who I am today. I feel good about what I have done the last nine months. I feel proud when I hear people from elementary school say " I hear you have been doing amazing " when you run into them in the mall. It feels damn good. So if you are struggling right now, if you feel like there is no way things can get better. Please keep going, I am living breathing proof, that good things do not come to those who wait but to those who get up, buckled up and work your butt off to get what you want and deserve.
DO NOT GIVE UP, IT WILL GET BETTER. The only person who can change your life is you. Take the first step. no matter how small it may be.
