Nine months ago...

This journey I've been on sure hasn't been easy. This journey has been painful, emotional, heartbreaking, educational, inspiring, encouraging, eye opening and insightful. I have become someone with a completely different lifestyle than just only nine months ago. Nine months ago, I actually didn't believe I would survive, I did not believe that I could handle what life was throwing my way.

Nine months ago, every time I looked into the mirror I broke a little more inside, a little more self hatred would bury itself inside of me. I would try to eat and break down, I would want to leave the house and break down. I spent to many days in bed not doing any form of self care. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel good enough to live or breathe the air that surrounds me. I wanted more than anything to run away, to end my life. I did run away, I ran away to Prince George. Where I learned that running away from my life wasn't going to help me. It was only going to dig me deeper into the hole of anorexia and mental illness. I came back to my life on the Island, after posting a video reaching out for help with treatment cost. I felt like this was my last hope, my last go, the last time I was going to try to save myself. Life must have known, because I got enough money to go to the treatment center in Manitoba. Going to this treatment center changed my life, my outlook, my opinion and so much more. It changed my relationships, how I treat those around me. It taught me more about myself than I ever thought I could know.

Today I sit in my own house that I share with an amazing man. I have my daughter half the time. Ive enrolled her into dance classes. My blood work has checked out healthy. I have energy again, I have motivation and drive. I know I deserve life and to breathe the air around me. I get to see my son more regularly. I have removed negative and toxic people from my life. I have reconnected with family and started to grow as a person. I have worked hard, pushed through, kept going, got knocked down, got back up, thrown into the dirt, pushed around by the government. I have struggled, I have cried, laughed, smiled, been terrified. And I am still standing. After everything I have been through one might think I'd want to go back and change some of it. Absolutely not, all of the crap, bullshit, hard times, struggles, accomplishments, good moments and everything else i have gone through has made me who I am today, and I really like who I am today. I am proud of who I am today. I feel good about what I have done the last nine months. I feel proud when I hear people from elementary school say " I hear you have been doing amazing " when you run into them in the mall. It feels damn good. So if you are struggling right now, if you feel like there is no way things can get better. Please keep going, I am living breathing proof, that good things do not come to those who wait but to those who get up, buckled up and work your butt off to get what you want and deserve.
DO NOT GIVE UP, IT WILL GET BETTER. The only person who can change your life is you. Take the first step. no matter how small it may be.

Some days I want to give up

Some days I seriously hate recovery. I hate that I have to think about every meal. Some days I want to smash my head against a wall in hopes it'll all just fuck off. It's mentally exhausting trying to make sure I don't eat to little or to much. I want to be able to wake up and feel normal for one day of my life. Is that even possible? Does anyone even feel normal? What the hell is normal? Some days I just want to give up on recovery, just let my life go down this tunnel of darkness, and then I look at my daughter, my boyfriend, my parents, my friends and my pets and I remember that I'm doing this for me. So I can be strong to be apart of my family, to be strong so I can be there for events with my friends, to be strong to be the mother I so desperately know I can be for my kids. Some days I want to recover more than anything because of everything I have been blessed with, then other days it comes completely crashing down and I just want to break. But I won't. I am a Doucette. I am strong. I was brought into this world for a reason, not to die from an eating disorder. I can feel the achy in my bones coming back because my intake has been so low. I'm thinking I need to start writing out what I am going to eat and the times and start setting my alarms again. I thought I was doing well enough that I didn't need my alarms anymore when I was at home, I thought I was strong enough to only use them when I'm away from home. As it stands right now. I am not strong enough, I need to keep continuing with the things that work for me, like setting my alarms and planning meals. I seriously hate it with all my heart, it get my anxiety high. I just want to not have to worry anymore. I'm sick of it. I find myself fighting with my own mind because I'm so torn between the two. I want this more than anything in the world. My daughter and son deserve to have a strong healthy mommy who's a good role model, through in and through out. 

I need to remind myself to continue on this road to recovery. This is worth it. Watching my kids grow up is worth it. Being involved in their growing up is even more worth it. I want to get married one day and my biggest fear is that Ana is going to take my dreams away from me. I fear I'll push those who love me away and that I'll end up alone dying in the hospital. I need to remind myself to allow to let others love me. I need to remind myself that my friends are my friends because they want to be not because I'm making them, I need to remind myself that my boyfriend loves me, for exactly who I am, every day, ever changing, accepting me for every flaw. I need to remind myself that my family wants to help me not because their obligated but because they actually care. I need to remind myself that all my supports are supporting me because they believe in me not because anyone is making them. I need to remind myself to allow the love from others every day. I am worth love. I deserve love. I can learn to love myself just as everyone around me loves me. 

I feel honoured to have the people in my life that I do. I have incredible friends that I cannot express enough how much they help me. Two certain girls have helped me, encouraged me and supported me in every aspect of my life, my recovery and my desicions in life. Carley and Brittany you girls are angels sent from above, I swear to god. I'd be lost without you two. You both help me so much more than you even realize. You are both not afraid to tell me what I need to hear even if it isn't what I want to hear. You are there for me in moments of weakness. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the two best friends any girl could ever ask for. I want to thank my Mom and My Step Dad for stepping up and helping me when I felt like I had no other options. Thank you for putting up with me and supporting me in my recovery. I appreciate you both more than I tell you. I wouldn't be who I am today without you. 

I want to thank my Dad, I know our relationship has been pretty rocky for quite a few years. You've been so supportive since I started recovery and on this journey, you're truly a huge inspiration to me. 

I want to thank my daughter for making me smile everyday, for teaching me lessons in life, for saving me when I was fifteen, for just being you baby girl. You brighten my days and make my fight so so worth it. I also want to thank my counsellor Chelsea. I wouldn't be recovering if it wasn't for you and Brittany. I'm so grateful to have someone who believes in me. 

I want to thank my supporters. You make me feel like I am doing something right every single day! 

I want to thank my pen pals. You've all shown me that I am not alone and that this is happening all around the world. 

And last but certainly not least I want to thank my boyfriend Brady. He came into my life about four months ago and swept me off my feet. He shows me unconditional love through his actions everyday. He supports me and my recovery, encourages me. He will hold me when I'm breaking and lift me up when I'm all cried out. It's only been less than four months we've been together, but it's been the most incredible time with you.

Some days, I want to give up... And then I remember who's watching❤️ 

Thank you ALL for supporting me!

My personal thank you and a reminder you are the one waking up in your skin

As the months creep on I continue to try and stay on track with my intake. I still have a lot of days where Ana wins, she takes over and becomes loud, annoying and just plain ridiculous. I had been doing really well in March with my six mini meals a day and working on getting more water and milk into my body. When disability called me and told me that my account was flagged it caused a lot of stress, chaos and Ana to become extremely loud, obnoxious and just take over all the progress I had been making. Even my own mother said on the days I talked to them you could tell I was loosing weight again. I could feel it in my jaw again intensely, the pain and discomfort came back. I found myself clenching my jaw through out the day much more frequently then when I am doing good with my intake. It caused me to become so entirely stressed out I just wanted to give up, I felt cheated, like everything I had done, all the hard work I had put in meant nothing. It was all going to be ripped away from me. Just like that. I found this unjust. I found it to be a violation of my rights as a person with disabilities. I found for my rights because I deserve it. I did not reach out to the public to pay the government all the money I received. I reached out to the public to get the help I need to overcome this mental illness. Wait... Isn't that the reason someone goes on disability? To get help to overcome mental illness? Not to make their mental illness worse and to throw them through a million loops. During my expirence with disability, I was very firm in getting what I deserve. Eventually I won. I get to keep the donations I received as a one time gift. This whole ordeal made me realize that I can't be the only one who had gone through this with disability. How many other people don't know about their rights? How many people don't know that disability is legislative government and not federal government. How many people knew we don't have to lay down like dogs and take the unlawful stuff they throw at us. We have rights, we are humans just as those sitting across the desk in those offices. This expirence has made me realize that with all my heart I want to be an advocate for women, men, young children, everyone going through something similar to my situation. This fuels my drive to continue moving forward in my recovery, this makes me feel empowered and secure that I can make a difference not only for myself but for the hundreds of people who are going through this too. Every story is different, every person has a different case and a different life. I want to be able to make changes for the future generation, for our kids and our grandkids. I want to take eating disorders out of the shadows but not only take them out of the shadows I want to make a difference in the resources for when you do need help, I want to change the way disability views eating disorders and the seriousness that comes along with them. 

I made a video reaching out for help, it was one of the hardest most embarrassing things I have ever done. I recorded it in my bathroom where I lived in Prince George. After it was recorded I sat there for three hours crying and watching it, wondering if I should even post it. Wondering about the judgement I would get because of what it said. I was worried people would look down on me for my mistakes and for the choices I've made that have helped in ending me up where I am today. Then I remembered, I'm sitting here dying, crying and insecure already. I'm the one waking up in my skin everyday, not anyone else. So I clicked post, not for anyone else in the entire world but myself. And then, my entire world changed. With the click of a button, it was out there, for the ENTIRE world to see. My face, bawling and pleading for help. Soon enough there was comments from close friends and family, they are proud of me. I never in a million years ever thought someone could be proud of negotiations publicly admitting I have anorexia and I need help. Shortly after the comments it became to be shared publicly all over the Internet. People sharing, liking and commenting which lead to people donationing to my gofundme page. Which meant I was reaching my goal to go to treatment. I had hundreds of girls, boys, men, women and even children reach out to me with their own personal stories. I couldn't believe the support and encouragement I was getting. I was giving people inspiration to fight for themselves, I was giving people the gift of seeing someone else struggling too, I was able to not only encourage, empower and motivate myself I was also able to give that to thousands of others all around the world. Someone once said to me when this all started that I was focusing to much on the Internet and social media side of things, this sticks with me. I didn't start sharing my story for ANYONE but myself, to try and use a new way to get my thoughts and feelings out. When I started doing this and helping thousands of others I realized that my life and my journey can be an education for so many others out there. My struggle, my anorexia and my story can be the reason someone reaches out for help themselves, it could be the reason someone choose to save someone close to them, it could be the reason resources in Canada change for the better. My reaching out caused a lot of noise on social media. I am glad. I shared my story for me and every day I continue to share my story it's for every single one of you who made me realize I deserve life, I deserve the help and to not be embarrassed by my struggles. 

This is my personal thank you to each and every single one of you. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Wether you shared, donated, reached out, just read my story, just follow me on fb, if you encourage me from the sidelines whatever it may be. Thank you. Sincerely and heart filled thank you. I wouldn't be getting ready to go to treatment if it wasn't for you, and you and you. 

To those hurting, struggling or feeling alone. Remember I sat in my bathroom for three hours debating posting this video... Imagine if I hadn't posted it... I wouldn't be going to treatment, I wouldn't have helped myself and all those other people... Don't hold back because of someone else's judgement. You are the one waking up in your skin everyday! 

Looking back and updates

Looking back about a year ago, I was in such a different place than I am right now. I have found that on very hard days, when Ana gets super loud, I make silly excuses and things just don't seem to be going my way, when I think I haven't made any progress I think of where I was a year ago and how much has changed. I may not be anywhere near recovered, but I sure am a lot closer than a year ago. The average length of time it takes to recover from an eating disorder is 7-8 years. I am not saying that I am months away close or even years away close to recovered. I just mean I am a lot closer than I was when I started. I'm learning new things about myself and about my eating disorder as each day progresses. Wether it be small triggers, figuring out which voice is Ana and which one is mine. I've learned that when I am feeling frustrated angry or heated I need to step away think about everything and then come back with a clear mind. For right now that is my coping strategy until I am able to gain more tools to be able to work through those emotions that take over me.

I havent been updating as much lately as when I was living in Prince George and had just gotten home from Prince George. There is many reasons for that. I don't live on my own at the moment so it makes it hard to be able to just sit down and focus on an entire blog post. I have had the worst writers block ever, just feeling blank or when I go to write I don't like what I'm writing so I just stop. I live with my mom where my daughter lives so it's always a busy house, which I don't mind because I get to spend this time with my daughter before heading off to treatment. I am great full that my family is so supportive in my recovery and has helped me as much as they can while I am residing here.

I got the update email that I should be hearing about my departure for treatment sometime very soon. I should leave in June. Right now I need to focus on staying on track with food, getting myself back up to six mini meals a day and continuing to maintain my BMI of fifteen, or maybe make that number bigger that would be great too.

Getting everything sorted and ready to go...

First off I want to apologize for how little I have been blogging lately. I am seeming to have extreme writers block every time I try to sit down and write what is going on inside my mind. Today the house is quiet and I feel like I may be able to gather my thoughts and ignore Ana long enough to write an update. 

Secondly, I want to thank each and every person who has helped me get where I am today, to every person who has donated, spoke out to me, encouraged me, shared my story, signed the petition, supported me through the hurdles, and everything else I cannot thank you enough. It may seem very silly to most but I could have never done this without the support I have received from my friends, family and social media. Its encouraging and inspiring knowing that there is people who care about those who are struggling. From the smallest donation to the biggest, from the smallest of messages to the longest, from the invites to the sharing your personal stories with me, I thank you so so much. You all help me each and everyday. 

I have been told before I focus to much on social media. I disagree with this statement, I mean don't get me wrong I find someday's I need to put my cellphone away and focus what's in front of me, but for right now social media is very helpful for me. I have supporters, friends, family and much more. I can open up a screen and let my feelings out without hurting those who live with me or surround me on a daily basis. I believe that my blog, instagram and recovery Facebook are very helpful along my journey to recovery, and in those times when I do become triggered by it, I have realized I need to focus more on the here and now. Its about balancing the things in your life in a healthy manner. 

Thirdly, I want to explain a little bit more of what has been happening with WestWind and with Disability. To give anyone clarity, as this is even complicated for myself. 

There was a large sum donation made by an anonymous person, this donation was made to the eating disorder foundation in my name and asked that it be donated to WestWind in Manitoba. This large donation never went through my bank account and never touched my hands, therefore it solidifies me going to WestWind for 7 weeks. The donations made through the Gofundme account on the other hand turned out a little differently. Someone decided to call Disability and tell them that I was earning income from being on a television show. Which is untrue. I have been on the news, I did not get paid for being on the news, you tube, or posting my video anywhere else for that matter. I posted this video on my person Facebook and you tube account, not expecting to receive any type of income from anyone. I posted this video in hopes to raise donations for me to be able to attend WestWind eating disorder treatment center. After the call to disability was made, there was a flag put onto my account which in turn meant my cheque was going to be held. I received a call from disability stating what had been said and stating that I needed to claim the money as unearned income. I know that if I was to claim these donations as unearned income it would be deducted from my monthly cheques which means I would loose my income for several months, or they would add a debt onto my account that I would pay back in payments of $20 monthly out of my income cheque. This made me frustrated as this money wasn't donated for me to use as my income this money was donated for me to be able to get the help I so desperately need with my eating disorder. I fought for my rights because I knew this wasn't fair to myself and to all those who donated their money. I dealt with many different people at the disability office, including two different managers, I filled a report with the local MLA, I also spoke with citizens advocacy. I wrote a three page letter explaining myself and everything else. After a few weeks of being pushed and pulled through circles and hoops I finally got a call with good news. An application that had been sent off by one of the managers had been accepted. This application was to view all the donations as a one time gift. Which means disability will not be touching any of the donated money. Thank heavens!! I could not have done this without everyone's support. 

I have filed out all the paperwork for admission and done the doctors paperwork for admission, I am currently just faxing off one last paper and then I just wait to hear about an arrival date for WestWind. I am very excited to go and start this part of my journey, I am excited to gain new tools and knowledge to help myself along recovery. I am excited to try yoga for the first time and hopefully make some friends in the center. There is only five girls so that will make it easier on me than having tons and tons of people everywhere. I am grateful I get my own room and that it is very independant. They also encourage you to skype and keep in contact with family on down time like between group therapies and such. There is a lot for me to gain going to WestWind, that doesnt mean I am not terrified. I am completely and utterly nervous to go across three provinces to a town I don't know, Its also kind of thirlling. I get to see new parts of Canada. I get to explore while I travel to Brandon. Im also very lucky to have a friend in Brandon Manitoba, who is going to help me along my way there aswell. It will be so helpful to have a friendly face! 

In the past few weeks I have been struggling majorly, restricting a lot and making excuses to skip my groups. Which could possibly be because things are falling into place and Ana gets really loud when good things start happening to eliminate her. She's raging in my mind lately, like a tornado that just doesnt give up. Ive been trying to force myself to eat at least enough to keep my bmi over 15. I just barely make it over the dietician said, I keep telling myself at least I am there. 15 or more is where I want to be. 

My body aches and shakes have come back, I try to just distract myself or ignore it. Its hard to ignore when my palms are super sweaty and i'm shaking like a bad carnival ride. Those are the moments I try to even just have a few bites of something or a glass of milk in hopes that itll be enough just to stop the shaking. 

Im hoping as things with disability mellow out and as i get my date to arrive in Brandon it might get easier to stay on track. 

Here comes the run around...

Disability has been investigating my account with them since a phone call was made stating I was receiving unearned income from a television show. They have come up with a "solution" or so they say. They've said I can claim the gofundme donations as unearned income. If I was to claim the money they would then put a debt on my disability account of $5220, because I received donations through gofundme for my treatment at the WestWind facility in Manitoba. When they put the debt onto my account an amount of $20 or more a month will be taken off my disability cheque. They are with holding information. I am currently working to get in touch with a citizen advocacy personal aswell as an ombudsman and the MLA aswell. I feel out raged that disability is going to make me pay back all the donations that were given by the public for my mental health.

I have provided my bank statements, all paperwork from WestWind for admission, I have provided a three page letter explaining the situation, every donation that went into my account, notes from mental health and more. 

They are pulling and pushing me through hoops, it's causing stress, anxiety and many more mental health issues. I am trying to better my life, my health and my mental state so that I can get off of disability and work for my own income. The reason I reached out to the public is because I wasn't getting anywhere with the government funding programs and now when I can and have the money to go they are going to turn around and make me pay it all back? 

These were donations from the public for me to go to treatment to recover from my eating disorder, they were not donations for me to live off of as an income. They are not to pay my rent or bills, the donations are completely for treatment, post treatment and getting in preparation for treatment. 

I feel cheated by our government!

And the B*#$& comes back over and over again...

Since I have been back in nanaimo many things have changed for me. First of all I started my counselling with both my regular counsellor and my walk in counsellor who I can see whenever I need to, they refereed me to a group three times a week. I have been going as much as I can, I won't lie and say I've made it every single time. I have not. I have made 11 sessions which makes me incredibly proud of myself. Something I have never done is continued on with my counselling for many many sessions, even after I felt like I was doing good. I have also got back involved with my doctor. I will be getting blood work done soon to see how my health is doing and then starting the paper work with WestWind for my admission. My counsellors are helping me set a plan for after treatment. That way when I get out of treatment and come back to the island I will have everything set into place, I don't want to come back and not have any of the things I had in treatment so I am trying to be smart about everything. Thankfully I have a good team who is taking me very seriously here in nanaimo. Even my doctor seems to have done some research surrounding eating disorders. It makes me really happy to feel confident in the supports I have here for after treatment and until I head off to treatment.
I am currently living back with my mom, who is the sole care provider for my daughter. I love that I get to be with my daughter until I go. Which brings me to why I haven't been blogging as much or posting all of my meals. I have been like a chicken running around with my head cut off! With all the counselling appointments, doctors and group, plus being a mom and trying to give my mother a break as Bella is my child. I have also been trying to see lots of friends before I go, as I have been reconnecting with old friends as well as encountering new ones. I am extremely blessed for the support and encouragement my family has been giving me. My reaching out and sharing my story has helped my family and my friends understand who I am, why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.

As of now I am trying to prepare to leave for treatment, I will get an email letting me know when to submit my paper work and then they will tell me when I leave. I have to get everything ready and start explaining to my daughter why mommy has to leave again. The absolute hardest thing I have to do.. Again. It's not fair. Although I cannot dwell on that. I have been given an opportunity of a life time and I am taking it by the horns, I am not letting this get away, I get seven maybe eight weeks in treatment to learn new skills and get myself on track to a successful recovery, I will not screw this up. The first thing I am doing to prepare for treatment is eating six mini meals a day, I was doing really really well and then I fell back the last week, I am trying to battle my mind again because it's decided to tell me I'm huge... I've never really felt those thoughts about my entire body before, I mean I've had those thoughts surrounding certain areas of my body like my butt and my thighs and hips, but never my torso or feeling like I'm getting a muffin top ( fuck off ana, me a muffin top? You've got to be kidding me, you've got years before that happens) the intense bloating got time forsure, my belly was huge. I am a small girl and I have carried two pregnancies. I felt like I was five months pregnant every night and I'm sure if I took a photo of the bloating and placed it beside my pregnancy ones it would be the same 😭
These thoughts are seriously awful and I just don't even know where they are coming from. Everything is going so well and falling into place exactly how it needs to... Why can't ana just leave it the hell alone?!
I know that's what I'm trying to do by eating all these mini meals, so why does it scare me so much when I start seeing even the slightest of change in my body, it felt really good at first the first few times I was stoked and felt on top of the world like no one could stop me now..
Unfortunately Ana has plans of her own for my mind and body and now I am fighting battling and emotionally dealing with this bitch trying to sabotage it all.

I keep telling myself that I just need to keep trying, every day is a new day and I can try again tomorrow. I got a tattoo on my left inner arm that says "hey little fighter things will get brighter" with the eating disorder symbol along my wrist, I got this as I've been struggling again and I wanted to have something permanent that I can always see that will keep my mind on track and remind me what's important. It also helps me realize things will get better, bad days don't last. Hard times come and go and if you just keep trying things can get better.
Even though it could take years I won't stop fighting for my life, for my children's mothers life, for my parents daughters life, for my friends friends life, I will not stop. I deserve health, I deserve happiness and I deserve this opportunity to get better.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world begin given a gift by so so so many people. The donations from the smallest to the biggest, I can't even begin to express. It makes me burst into tears thinking about how many people rallied behind me to help me get better, to help me get my life back, to help raise awareness and to help me get healthy so I can help other people struggling. I am forever grateful for every single message, donation, any information anything you may have done, from sharing it or liking it so it showed up on others newsfeeds, every single bit if it counts because without it all I would not be where I am today, getting prepared to head off to treatment.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! My heart is filled with love ❤️❤️
I can never thank you all enough! Words don't express my gratitude!

and the ball starts rolling.... back up to healthy

Moving back to Nanaimo has been wonderful. It sure has been busy since I left Prince George. From TV News interviews, Radio Interviews, Newspaper Interviews, becoming a World Empowerment Artist, Starting a journey not only for myself but for thousands of people to look at and learn from, Being back with my daughter at my mothers house, visiting with my son more often, Starting my appointments with the team that I came to trust before I moved away... Its been hectic to say the least. Although its been a busy road this past few weeks I am so incredibly grateful that I decided to do this. It has opened me up to new ways of recovery. Changed my perspective on a lot more than just eating disorders. This journey has helped me start to spread my wings, I may not have them all the way out and I may not be quite ready to fly yet. I am most certainly on the right track. First I had an appointment with my main counselor, she decided to bring in the counselor I speak with at the walk in counselling so that they would be on the same page! That was wonderful I feel as if Mental Health is taking me more seriously since the exposure online and on TV. We made a plan which I am very happy about. I have made an appointment with my Family Doctor. which isnt until the 19th. They got me in as soon as they could. Like I have said many times before, it all takes time. Then I got a referal sent so I can get the same eating disorder psychiatrist that I had before I moved which is good because I felt comfortable with him. I will also be hearing from the dietician next week and will start weekly appointments with her to help me stay on track. Thursday, I started a group therapy I guess you could call it. It is three days a week and two hours long. It still scares me even though I have gone once already, although I think it will be really good for my recovery. Four days ago I vowed to my self that every day I would try really really hard to eat six mini meals. I feel like I have done pretty good so far. The re feeding process as they call it is pretty scary and anxiety ridden. It causes a lot of discomfort and pain. I also have to be extremely careful that  I do not eat to much because that can cause even more medical issues. I didnt really understand what anyone meant by that until I had actually eaten six meals in a day and I got a tight pulling feeling from my lower belly that went up into my chest, I get a stabbing feeling up my spine, through my legs and back into my back again. this is a constant ordeal every single day. My knees and legs tend to lock up most when going up stairs. The other day my left knee decided it just wasn't going to unbend for five minutes... Are you kidding me body? cut me some slack im trying to nourish you! I seriously feel like every time I turn around its time to eat again. My alarm goes off every hour on the hour and I have to eat within half an hour at the max an hour. Cannot go three hours during the day without having a mini meal or a snack. I feel like this is ridiculous to uphold, even though I know its for the best. I feel like I eat more than most and I probably do... which is a good thing. During eating disorder re feeding you will be eating alot more than others because you are trying to get your body back up to healthy. I hate the words "Weight  Restored". So instead Im going to use back up to healthy. For me its sounds a lot less intimidating. 

With all of this self/out patient recovery I have a lot less time to write blog posts ( sad face )

For every day updates or to follow my story more throughly than you can add my recovery facebook account by searching the name Jennifer Doucette on facebook or missjenniferdoucettesjourney on Instagram ! 

I just want to say how much I appreciate all of you who come back and read my blog or are here reading it for the first time Your support means the world to me and youve help me get this much closer to healthy and recovered, mentally and physically! 

YOU ARE A HUGE PART OF MY JOURNEY AND I COULDNT DO THIS WITHOUT YOU

Lets go back seven to eight years....

Alright, lets go back about seven to eight years ago. I want to share with you all who I was, what I did and how I became who I am today.

I was 13 at the time had been in a new town for one full school year. I had a really rough school year to say the least. I was a different kid, I strived for attention doing odd things that not everyone else did. Such as cartwheeling up and down the hallway for an entire lunch break, or putting a pony tail on the top of my head and sparkly stickers all over my face running around saying "i'm a frosted flake". People mocked me and laughed at me, they teased me and told me I was different. About half way through my first school year in my new town there was an incident that caused me to get my mother to remove me from the public school system and start home schooling. One lunch period at school I was being taunted by the "popular" grade nine girls (you know who you are) I was in grade seven at the time. I was getting frustrated and I was starting to try and get away, I was blocked to the lockers. My back against them and a crowd of grade nines standing over me. Yelling at me, calling me down and then that's when it happened... There was one girl standing right in front of me giving me her hatred full force, and she dumped an entire can of Dr. Pepper on my head. I was absolutely devestated, I pushed through the group and I ran into the bathroom nearest to me, locked myself in the stall and cried for the rest of the lunch period. They followed me into the bathroom, banging on the stall doors, yelling at me to come out and face them. I was terrified and humiliated. I believe it was about a week later when my mom enrolled me into homeschooling and I stopped going to that school. I finished my school year at home with my step dad helping a lot getting me to finish my school work and stop telling myself I was unintelligent. My entire school life up until this home schooling started was French Immersion, I could barely write English properly and I even still have some troubles to this day. So coming into homeschooling I felt very stupid and like I didn't know anything. Turns out I'm wicked in English and I rock Math. ( i just started crying, I've never ever been able to tell my self that I'm good at English or i rock at math....DAMN THAT FELT GOOD) During this school year I had started smoking cigarettes... I know to young to be smoking. It helped me alot get through the bullying and the emotions I was dealing with because of it. I hid it from my parents as best as I could. During that summer I decided to try marijuana. I didn't smoke it every day or all the time. I had tried it once that summer and maybe two other times as well. I didn't want to try it and felt very pressured by other people to, that's why that summer I tried it for the first time, The next school year I started at a new school again in the public system, A different one, where I was enrolled into the English classes not French Immersion. I was nervous to be the new kid again but very happy that I was trying out a public school again. My emotions were surely very mixed. I started my eighth grade year not knowing a soul. It was tough to say the least. Then I met this blonde girl who used to sit alone by the front doors. I think we started talking because she too smoked cigarettes. In the mornings before class we would go down to the little path way and have our morning smoke. I was so grateful to have met someone that I got along so well with. Her and I started to hang out outside of school and during the weekends she would stay at my place.  We drank quite a bit on the weekends and attended parties together, We spent most of our time together hanging out with our other close friends. During that school year a lot had happened. I made some childish choices like drinking before class on day or skipping school with her to not even really do anything. We got suspended for smoking on lunch break, which lead to rumors that her and I were drug addicts. I wasnt the most liked girl, that is definitely certain. Around exam time at the end of the year I was in gym glass and I remember this boy calling me white trash, now I was a violent girl back then I got into fights a lot I would hit people if I did not like what they were saying to me, I spent me entire childhood in anger mode, because of the bullying during elementary school, which continued on into middle school and even into high school. So I punched this kid who called me white trash and after gym class I walked out to my mother standing there telling me the school was asking me to leave and not come back to my classes. I was allowed to come back and do my exams in the help center and then leave again. Just so I wouldnt have to redo grade eight. I was grateful the school let me do my exams so I didnt have to do a new year of the same grade. During this school year at age 14 I lost my virginity. When summer came, I continued to drink and party, started smoking marijuana everyday and started sneaking out, staying out with friends partying. I started heading down a terrible path, I watched my friends do drugs and I got tired of them not listening to my begs and pleas about not doing the drugs anymore. They all told me not to do them but did them themselves. So one day to make my point and because my curiosity completely got the best of me. I said I want to try the estacy. So I tried it, and then a few times after that as well. I did not like it. I hated the way I smelled the way it made me look, I looked at pictures of me on the drug and I was completely disgusted. It made me feel disgusting the next day and just entirely was not worth it. I hate drugs. After my experience trying estacy, Ive only smoked weed. Never done coke, heroin, crystal meth nothing of the sorts. I hated watching what drugs did to some of my closest friends, It destroyed their lives and made them do things they never would have in a million years done sober. That is why I have chosen to not even experiment with anything else. I was 14, naive and seriously stupid. I cannot even tell you how grateful I am that I did not become addicted to the drug that I did so stupidly try. I am forever gratfeul that drugs didnt take over my life and that I know within myself that even through out all the hard times and the shitty situations in the past few years of my life, I have stayed away from chemical drugs. Yes, throughout this I have smoked marijuana. I know and respect that everyone has a different view point on marijuana. I know that some people view it as a drug and other people do not. I am one of those other people. I have used marijuana in a medical way and in a way you would use say alcohol. I have smoked it for pain, to get the munchies to make eating easier and I have also used it to calm myself down. I don't wish to always use marijuana, This week I am starting groups to start learning other coping skills so that I'm not resorting to marijuana anymore. This is so hard for me to write because of the judgement I may get from people, but this is my life and im showing you the facts. I want to be open and honest about my journey so other people in the same place or similar places or have friends or family or colleagues going through it they can use my journey as a tool. If Im not straight up about who I am or what I've done. How will they know before it gets this far? How can they learn some of the warning signs to help themselves? They cant. That's the answer. If I am not honest and myself, what is the point ?  I started school at a new school again for grade nine, At a school where I knew few people because the community is not the biggest. my year was rocky. I dont blame anyone but myself. I was running away from home it was during the period I was experimenting with drugs... I didnt try them anymore and just drank instead. I remember I met this guy at a party and we just kind of clicked you know we chatted and what not and then later that night he kissed me. Well we talked and hung out quite a bit and drank together. Then we started dating we had intercourse one singular time when I was 15. We broke up a week later because I was actually interested in a girl. Her and I started dating, about two and a half months into our relationship I started to throw uo in the mornings and I didnt want to drink anymore,. My body was changing... So I went to the doctors about two weeks of this going on, Only to find out little 15 year old me is PREGNANT! Me ? Pregnant? You've got to be kidding me. I took a week exploring my options and talking with my parents. I was keeping my baby. I could not bring myself three months in to end it. So I started doctors appointments, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes. I changed my entire life around I stopped hanging out with the "friends" I had because they just wanted to drink anyways. I was so happy. I felt like this little baby inside me saved my life. A gift from god. Even my mom and step dad said that. It might sound strange to you, let me explain. Yes I was only 15. I was also drinking my face off every weekend, sneaking out and starting to disobey my mom, which is something I really didn't do before. So when i found out about this little baby I started treating myself better and changing my life around for this beautiful child inside me, I stopped the partying and the bad scene. When my beautiful daughter was born, I was in awe. I went right back to school about two weeks after she was born. Then when she was around six months I starting working on top of school. My mother helped me with watching my daughter while I went to work and school. Later on I got enrolled into the Mothers Program at the highschool. the summer before I started at the Mothers Program I met someone. We clicked and started dating we dated for probably about a year or just over. When we broke up, a lot happened in my life. I unfortunately got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. This ripped our family apart. I went to live with my dad, we made a plan i was to live with him for an entire year and then see how things were. I didn't listen and I packed up and moved back to my mothers house. Even with all the tension from the arrest and the entire ordeal. Im ashamed and embarrassed by what I did that day. I own what I did that day.. Unfortunately it happened., today is the present and that was the past. During my short stay at my dads I started dating that guy again.. Well when I came back to my moms I found out I was PREGNANT again.... only this time I was 17 and at time my daughter was between 15-18 months old/ Holy crap. My life came crashing down as when i moved back him and I broke up... I cant share the next part with you yet,, It hurts to much, Ive blocked it out safe in my mind and I am not opening that up today. Another day maybe or maybe not. Anyways the beginning of my pregnancy was torture and hell. The pregnancy part was fine, baby was good at first and then everything went down hill. This is when my eating disorder really started.. After the trauma I went through,,, (the part I cant talk about right now) I didnt have control over my own life, I couldnt control anything I felt besides my intake. Without even realizing it I was starving my self and the baby inside of me was being affected. I was in and out of hospitals with IVs because of dehydration. On bed rest for four months, had to stop going to school because of it and then my son came 2-3 weeks early, healthy as could be. I was so so grateful he was so healthy. I feel awful that I didnt take care of myself during my pregnancy and that I didnt do more for my son. I will forever live with that... during the pregnancy it caused a lot more strain on my relationship with my mom and step dad. Three weeks after my son was born. My mom the ministry and I had to come up with a plan because it wasn't working with me living in the home at the time. So i moved into a hostel that my mother paid for until I was able to get an apartment and get onto independent living. during those few months in the hostel, I really fucked things up for myself. I got arrested again for assaulted a good friend of mine and someone else as well. I didnt care about anything. I wanted to die. I did not give a fuck. Finally i got my place and was feeling a little better for a little while.. Finally i moved in with my boyfriend at the time and we lived together for about two years..ALOT happened in those years. I drank alot, i partied I lost my rights to unsupervised visits with my kids, I fucked a lot of things up. I guess because I had my children so young the teenager that was dying to come out finally was. And i looked like a compete idiot because I was partying my life away while other people raised my children. Im grateful for my parents and my sons grandparents for letting me get that out of my system,. I no longer want to get drunk, or stay out all night partying or taking people home from the bar. I got to see what it was like and I don;t want that for my life. I want to be the mother for my kids, I want to be healthy and stable for my kids. That does no include drinking partying or doing drugs, Im so grateful that I am not where I was two years ago, on my face out side the bar piss drunk. That girls scares me, she scared me even more when she tried to end her own life. I gave myself a little wake up call before my roommate gave me the real one and told me to move to my daughter, Then another friend looked at me and told me she knew I was hurting and told me things no ones ever said to me before, things I really needed to hear. Thank you Brittany and Brittany. You both help me more than you will ever know, you both mean so much to me and hold such a dear spot in my heart. Thank you for being blunt, honest and truly serious with me. I really am the luckiest girl in the entire world to have such amazing friends looking out for me.

I wrote this blog in hopes that people can better understand that even I look back on my life and go "what the fuck was I thinking/doing? or I wouldn't have liked myself either" Im not perfect but I am honest. Im human, We all make mistakes, we all grow up and we all go through life differently.

If you want to know something about someones life. Don't go asking other people, Go talk to the person yourself. For example a few years back I asked someone if that was their boyfriend/baby daddy and she was like im tired of what people are saying and this is what I said " I came to you because I wanted to know the truth, I didnt want to hear rumors or what other people had to say" she respected me alot for coming to her and not going around talking about her. Just ask. Its much less offensive than asking around.

The facts about BC "funded" treatment

I just wanted to make a few things clear. I am not making up information. I do my research very well. I have been exhausting my resources. I will be again exhausting my resources again. 
Plenty of people have mentioned Woodstones and The Looking Glass on Galiano Island in BC. I have looked into this program I have referrals sent last year and that is why I originally started working with Mental Health Services, To get into this program at The Looking Glass which used to be called Woodstones, you need to go through Mental Health Services. Do assessments and much much more. Its a very long process and it take a long time unfortunately. The information I have posted below is from The Looking Glass Website. If you wish to know more than what I have copied and pasted please use the link below to explore their website:

http://www.lookingglassbc.com/looking-glass-residence/admissions-overview

"

When to refer?

There are numerous indicators that a person is an appropriate candidate for treatment at Looking Glass Residence. The process of matching a person to the service offered is highly individualized, and is based on professional assessments, the judgment of expert clinicians and practitioners and the capacity of community-based services and families to accommodate a person’s particular needs. All people referred to Looking Glass Residence are screened before admission to match their needs with safe and appropriate care.

In general, clinicians may consider referring an individual to the service who:

• Has a primary diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa or EDNOS;
• Has exhausted the services available in her/his community;
• Lives in a community that lacks the capacity to provide appropriate local treatment;
• Has a social network and/or family that lack the capacity to support the early stages of her/his recovery;
• Feels, in conjunction with her/his family and/or existing treatment team, that she/he is unable to function in her/his life as a result of her/his eating disorder, whether she/he is transitioning out of an inpatient admission or has been accessing an eating disorder clinic or other community-based services.

Exclusion Criteria

Please note that the presence of any one or more of the following criteria excludes admission to the Looking Glass Residence. These criteria refer to a current condition unless otherwise stated.

Any urgent or emergent medical condition requiring an acute medical evaluation with 2 weeks prior to admission.
Any urgent emergent psychiatric condition requiring an acute medical evaluation within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Acute risks of suicide or self-injurious behaviour as determined by the psychiatrist prior to admission and on a regular basis throughout the resident’s stay using the provincial suicide protocols.
Loss of more than four kg body weight during the previous two months.
Tube feeding required.
Less than 80 per cent standard body weight for age, sex and height.
Temperature lower than 36° Celsius.
Blood pressure lower than 80/50.
Postural decrease in blood pressure of >10 mmHg.
Heart rate <50 (for ages 16-17).
For adults greater than 18 years of age a postural increase in heart rate of greater than 30 beat per minute on standing with associated dizziness.
Any ECG abnormalities, and specifically a QTc interval of >450 ms.
Serum phosphate not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum potassium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum magnesium not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum creatinine not above normal limits within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Serum glucose not within normal range within 2 weeks prior to admission.
Loss of consciousness or seizure within the last 6 months that has not been evaluated by a neurologist.
Concurrent substance abuse that may predispose the resident to acute risk of withdrawal.
Any previous complications with re-feeding including issues with fluid and electrolyte management and/or ECG monitoring."

Now that I'm back, things can start again

Ahh, finally settling in back on the Island. I must say I am very happy to home closer to my kids my family and friends, closer to a medical team that understands me. It's been such a busy few weeks to say the least!

First of all I want to thank everyone for all the information that is being sent to me. I've run in with the problem that some people believe I am not taking the information seriously. For that I want to make things a little more clear on my end. Since sharing my video I have been flooded with messages, questions and support. It's taken hours just to get through my inbox some days. I am taking all of the information you guys are providing seriously, I am doing my research aswell as mentioning it to my medical team here back on the island. For a while it may have seemed as if I wasn't taking any steps, let me explain. I was packing up my life, I had my referals sent from Prince George back to the island. I had to wait until they contacted me with the appointments to be able to start the ball rolling again. I was packing up and moving. In those few weeks of packing and getting on the bus and waiting for my appointments to start up again I could not take any more steps. Unfortunately the system takes a long time, the paper work, the waiting lists and so much more. It's a complicated ordeal, it does not just happen at the snap of your fingers and it does not happen over night. Otherwise I would not have reached out to the public for help. I have had a lot of people say that I should be able to attend the woodstones residence, the problem with that is my health and BMI isn't up to what they want it to be at when you go into the centre. I would need to go into a hospital to stabilize before going into Woodstones. Which is very unfortunate. I wish more than anything I could just wake up tomorrow and know that I could go to a treatment center. That is not the case. It takes time. Paper work, patience and money. Another thing is the funded program in BC at woodstones is not Free. It costs Approx $31 a day, and you still have to be able to have the things you need to live. You need to be able to up hold the place you have if you aren't living with family or roommates. I will still have bills when I go into treatment. Just wanted to clarify that for anyone who's saying that their is funded programs in BC. Now that I am back on the island and have had my first appointment things are starting to move along again, referals are being sent out, they are going to push to get me into hospital to stabilize for either WestWind or if I am able to get into the other one in BC at Woodstones. Unfortunately Woodstones has a ridiculous waiting list and I would have to get up to their criteria to be able to reside there for my recovery. As I have said before I will accept any treatment I can get. All the gofundme money is going towards treatment and if their is anything left afterwards it will also go towards my recovery. Any money raised through gofundme or any other donations is for my treatment and recovery. Recovery isn't just going into treatment and coming out, it's before treatment during treatment and your entire life after treatment. Recovery takes years sometimes an entire life time. I can't predict my future and I cannot tell you exactly what is going to happen. The team in nanaimo seems to be taking me a lot more seriously ever since the exposure I got after posting my video online. That makes me happy, I feel like thing will get moving now because I am being taken more seriously. My counsellors here in nanaimo take the severity of my anorexia seriously and that is something I am grateful for. I will update you all as I learn more from my team and from the treatment centers. I can't answer questions that I am also in the unknown about. I do my best to answer questions and to post the information I think is necessary for the people donating and following my story. I hope that I can get into hospital to stabilize sooner than later.

I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all your support messages comments donations and anything else! The support is outstanding and I cannot even bring to words what I feel about all of this! It's truly helped me a lot having so much support and so many people that are willing to listen and talk with me when I'm struggling! I cannot thank you enough!! Truly means the world to me!

Why did I choose "take it out of the shadows"?

TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS to me speaks for itself. The stigma around eating disorders is the way it is only because we don't educate people enough on eating disorders. Did you know? Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of mental illnesses. The reason that it isn't always noted that people die from an eating disorder is because their death was a result of heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. The medical complications are often written down as the cause of death, Instead of having it say eating disorder resulted in heart failure, organ failure, malnutrition or suicide. 
Eating disorders can affect anyone. I personally always said I will never become anorexic or have an eating disorder. It hurt me when people would think that of me as I have always been a  smaller girl. There are many reasons that eating disorders could come into your life. Control reasons, self esteem problems, trauma in your past and many more things. Not everyone has the same eating disorder and not everyone is affected exactly the same. Not everyone is treated the same and not everyone can recover the same. Eating disorders are hard to explain, even more so for someone who has never actually lived in the life of an eating disorder. I feel like when I try to explain it sometimes I find myself getting frustrated because I just cannot get the words right to explain whats going on inside me. A lot of people seem to believe that eating disorders are about food. That is not quite the case, its a little bit about the food. More about so many others things, like the way you see yourself and your body, its about a mental illness that is basically fighting your own self and own brain to overcome everything you do and say. 
An example of this for me would have to be I am afraid to ask for what I need or want in life. It takes me hours and hours to even ask someone for the food I've been wanting to eat for all those hours. Then when I do ask for it I get scared and emotional. 

Eating disorders are so in the shadows I didn't even know i had a problem until multiple doctors had asked me and counselors if I was anorexic over a period of approx. six years. It was absolutely devastating when I finally did admit to myself and to everyone else that I actually did have an eating disorder. It is truly and absolutely terrifying. I have said it before and I will say it again, I dont wish this upon any single person ever and I never will. This eating disorder has taken over my life in the most horrific ways. I choose #takeitoutoftheshadows after I started to share my story via blog as well as the video I posted to you tube, the reason for this is because of how many people reached out to me via email and private message that are ashamed to ask for help or even admit they have a problem to anyone else but themselves. Ive heard from people who think they may have a problem but they don't believe it because they do not look like the most severe cases out there. It is truly disheartening. People should not feel ashamed to come out and tell everyone they are struggling with an eating disorder. Its the way the world portrays eating disorders. 
Its so much less about the food than the mental aspect of it. It is so much more than just "picking up a fucking sandwich" as some would say or "being grateful for the food in front of you". I am grateful for the food infront of me, I cannot control the fact that I feel as if my body and throat are closing up and telling me not to eat. If you knew me before Ana (anorexia) came into my life you would know that me and food had a very healthy relationship, I looooove food. I still to this day try to tell myself that I love food and that we have a good relationship. As much as I have tried to trick myself or convince myself that I want the food, my mind and my body just completely have another plan for me. It feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts and your body. Which could play a huge part in why people feel shame towards getting help or coming forward to those around them. If you feel like someone is controlling you there is a pretty good chance you are going to feel like you are totally insane. For the record you are not insane. This is a terrible illness and it takes over your mind and body with full force. Ana is a disgusting evil horrible bitch. Please do not feel ashamed. You are worth life and worth every bite of food that your mind and body do allow yourself to eat!
Battling this disease in the shadows is absolutely not getting any one anywhere. I choose TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS because we need to change the way the world views eating disorders. The reason people view them the way they do is because they don't have enough information about eating disorders. Why? so many people hide away just letting themselves fade away to nothing and then no one hears about it. The only way that we can change the face of eating disorders and the way people view them is to start EDUCATING TO ELIMINATE!! I used to have anger towards the people who made insensitive comments towards eating disorders or my plea for help online, until I came to the realization that they just don't know enough about eating disorders to understand. There is a lot of information from doctors or professionals sure but what about the people who have been through it, who have experienced a life filled with eating disorders, who feel the excruciating pain every single day... What about the people being denied treatment or being told they aren't skinny enough to get the help they are so desperately trying to get. 
We need to start talking about eating disorders but not only talking about then. Educating people on the struggles we go through on a daily basis. I don't share my story because I want people to feel bad for me. I want people to learn from my words and my expiernces so that they can better understand eating disorders, or maybe not feel so alone if you do have an eating disorder. I want to make a change for my life, but not my life alone. For my childrens lives, my friends childrens lives, and for generations to come. I want too make a difference in the world of eating disorders not only for myself and the people close to me but for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON struggling, watching someone struggle or has watched someones life be taken because of it. Its time to TAKE IT OUT OF THE SHADOWS, EDUCATE TO ELIMINATE LETS TAKE A STAND EVERYBODY! JOIN ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA FOR EATING DISORDER AWARENESS WEEK BY POSTING #TAKEITOUTOFTHESHADOWS 

YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON THESE WEBSITES BELOW FOR MORE DAY TO DAY UPDATES! 

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Tag me in your #takeitoutoftheshadows posts so I can follow you back!

our parents lives before us....

have you ever actually sat down and considered what your parents have dealt with?
I mean weve been around in their lives since we were born, what about before we were born? What did they go through? what kind of life did they have, have they been through anything like what we are going through? do we even consider this?

I know I sure havent. That changed today.. Today I spent five and a half hours at a Visions Board Workshop called "The Art Of Allowing" with my mom. I learned some things about my mom that I had never even imagined in her life. I learned that my mom hasnt got to dream since she became a mom. My mom has since the day my brother was first born put her children first, in every aspect of life. Today I learned that although my mother and I have had our battles, I am incredibly grateful that she is my mother. I got insight into my mothers dreams and passions. do you know how
incredible that felt to hear my mom talk about something in life she would love to go after? I hope you do know because as hard as Ive tried I cannot put that feeling into words. I got to not think about my own self and my own life and actually listen to my mom and what shes always dreamed of. I got to hear some of what happened before she became a mom. It made me feel selfish because I have never taken the time to actually even wonder about my moms life before me. I mean Ive heard
stories and seen pictures. I hadnt honestly thought about the things she went through as a little girl, a youth and a young women. Ive never considered the things that brought her to becoming a parent. Today I got to see a little piece  of that and it really opened up my eyes and my heart. Ive struggled alot because of some of the things my mom and I have gone through have caused me some resentment and has caused a strain on our relationship. Today a lot of that resentment
went away, I dont look at my mother the same way I did seven hours ago. I see a strong, independant incredible woman. Who gave me life, who gave me hope, who is now showing me to dream and to go after what I belive in. My mom is a rock star. She not only raised me and my brother whole heartly but she has also helped raised my son and is raising my daughter.
I also want to add how incredible of a job shes doing. My mom is inspiring, she accepted a problem in her life grabbed it by the horns and took control again. My mom puts everyone before her own self. She is the most forgiving person I know.


After all the things I have put my family through, mom took the shit end of the stick to be perfectly honest. She got the anger, the frusteration, the blame, the tears, the heartbreak, all of it. She got the physical side of my rage, she got the worst of it. I look back and am disgusted at what ive put my mother through, especially after today.


Today I learned to have some gratitude for everything my mom has gone through in life, because without her there would be no me. I am grateful for today and for the time I got to spend with my mother. Something I hope we can do more of.

Anorexia needs to be talked about

I'm going to start this blog post off with a huge thank you to everyone who has stood behind me, encourage me, supported me, made donations, reached out to give information or even to share apart of your story with me! You have all given me so much more hope than I had before, you've made me step back and realize how many genuine caring people really are in this world. It's open my eyes even more to how little people know about anorexia.

How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute....   You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.

The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!

As I pack my bags... my mind begins to wander

As I start to pack my life back into suitcases, I'm realizing how much my life has changed since I last did this. That was only in September as I moved October first.
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!

Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.

I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.

I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...

My video reaching out

I decided to do this blog entry a little differently, click the link below to view the video of this blog



I have been recently looking into any treatment I can get. I have found this treatment centre which has no waiting list right now.

This is the email I got from them when inquiring:

"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind.  I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program.  It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do!  Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!

Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change.  Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them.  Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program.  Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support.  We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom.  The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly.  We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress.  Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work.  We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.

We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now.  The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program.  We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us.  Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.

Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype.  I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "

I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!

The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4



post : https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wpwojesjTfo

Reaching out for help with treatment...

I have been recently looking into any treatment I can get. I have found this treatment centre which has no waiting list right now.

This is the email I got from them when inquiring:

"Hi Jennifer, thanks for your email and for your interest in Westwind.  I'm happy to give you some info about our residential program.  It's great that you're seeking support for yourself, which I know can be a challenging thing to do!  Recovery from the eating disorder is possible!

Our residential program offers some independence, so it is best suited for people who are ready and willing to work on change.  Our counselors and dietitian work collaboratively with each client, so they have a hand in deciding their recovery goals and the pace they want to tackle them.  Because of this we require people to be medically stable to be in our program.  Each program day includes groups, a one-on-one session and staff supervised meal support.  We operate in a home like setting and each client gets their own bedroom.  The cost for the program is $2200 CAD weekly.  We're also currently offering to cover the cost of travel to and from Westwind for clients who stay with us a minimum of 12 weeks, which tends to be the average length of stay. The program does not have a structured length and people stay for various lengths of time depending on their goals and progress.  Some people also come with a set length of stay in mind due to finances or other obligations such as school or work.  We ask each client to give us a minimum 2 weeks notice of departure.

We currently have space available in the program so there is no wait list right now.  The process for admission would include completing a phone intake with one of our staff where we would ask you a few questions about the eating disorder, and we could also use this time to answer any questions you might have about the program.  We would then email you some paperwork to be completed and returned to us.  Once we've received the paperwork we’d process the non-refundable deposit of $500 CAD to hold your spot, which would be attributed towards the cost of your stay.

Please feel free to let us know if you have any other questions, or if you’d like to arrange a time to chat on the phone or over skype.  I've cc'd this email to Tresa who is the other director at Westwind, as I'm off this coming week, and she'd be happy to chat with you. "

I am reaching out in hopes that I can get the treatment I need to recover from anorexia. If your able to donate or even just share the link I will post it below!
Thanks so much for all of your support!

The link for the GoFundMe account is : http://www.gofundme.com/k3j7l4

Time to stop lying to myself, it's me not you.

Have you ever just been sitting somewhere staring out into the world just embracing the calmness of a sunset or the chaos of the waves crashing against the rocks. Completely accepting of exactly how it looks or even feels at that moment. While your just looking out and taking it all in. You kind of wish that even the greatest of lens could capture what you see through your eyes. You don't try to perfect it, you just accept it for exactly what it is. Have you ever just wishes that the world would stay still so that you could just enjoy the beauty of it..
How when the sun goes down the sky has that sunset glow to it, the one that just kind of makes you appreciate life a little but more. Even when it seems your entire world is coming crashing down on you, just taking in the world can calm your thoughts. Have you ever been driving down the highway and saw one of those big fields with the mountains in the back ground, and just wish you could just run into the beauty if it all, into the calmness that your eyes see when your looking at this view. Running just far enough so no one can hear you while you just SCREAM, let it all out just been down.
Every time I go up a mountain or up to somewhere I can look over the town/city I want to just scream. Would anyone down there hear me? Have you ever been so tired of hearing your own sobbing you put your headphones in and just blared the music so you couldn't heard yourself anymore. I always thought as I got older my emotions would be easier to handle, but to be honest it's only become harder. I've come to find out many things about myself that I really don't like. It's made it almost impossible to love myself, let alone believe that anybody else could love me.
For years I've been trying to fill this void that I feel inside me. I've felt that void since I was a little girl. I've been trying to full this void with the attention and affection from men. Wow I feel like a slut for saying that but it's time to own my actions and really learn from them. How do you fill a  void with love from someone else when you feel so unlovable. The answer is you don't. No matter how much someone else loves you if you feel unlovable it doesn't matter. You'll fight it, not trust it or just straight up sabotage it. You won't accept that they love you. You'll find every reason why they shouldn't love you or in your eyes why they don't. Even if they tell you a hundred times a day they do, or do the little things to show you.
So I've been trying to fill a void with someone else's love when I need to be filling this void with self love. The love of myself. You can only lie to yourself for so long. It becomes tiring. I didn't even realize I was trying to fill this void until I can to Prince George. I crave attention. Attention makes me feel worthy of life, it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. Although I want this attention I also want to be respected, which makes me hate the attention. How can I expect any of you to respect me when I don't even respect myself. I give myself away to those who feed me with lies. I latch on to this intense feeling of lust, in hopes that this time it will be different. I feel disgusting that when guys message me it's about something sexual or how my body looks or when they can take me home.. I guess I can't really blame them when I'm projecting myself towards them the way I do.
For the first time in a long time I don't want to find someone to share my life with. I don't want a relationship. I want to find help to learn to love and respect myself, I want to find help to stand on my own two feet. I want to get stable, go to counselling regularly and continue in the road to recovery.
I am all for new friendships and even my old friendships with the opposite sex. But if your looking to get in my pants or date me. Step back please. I am focusing on myself. If you wish to be my friend throughout this I'm all for that. If you want me sexually or relationship wise. Wait. If I'm that worth it to you, you'll wait and let me get myself together before asking me out.

It's more about self restraint than anything at all. I need to focus on me. I need to be happy for me. Not for a man.
It's time I stop lying to myself and accept this all about myself. To accept it is going to help me move forward with it.