In the midst of hate

"In the midst of hate, I found there was within me an invincible love." This quote has been running through my mind for a while now. I spent so long being angry, upset and feeling like the entire world was against me. I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed to go right for me. I have learned a lot the last two or so years in recovery, about myself, about how to cope, about how changing your mind set can change your entire life. I learned that being angry about everything gets you no where, but angry and in the same place you started. Even though I am still learning new coping skills, I have gained many coping skills. It still isn't always easy to use them, but it is getting easier. Changing your mind set doesn't just happen over night. Some days will be a lot easier than others. You have to want it, you have to wake up and choose it even when you don't want to choose it. That can be the hardest part. For example, showering everyday and staying on a routine is really hard for me. Its also very important for me, my household and my life. Even though some days, I would prefer to just lay in bed and not to anything at all. I need to get up, get dressed and try anyways. Doing this has really helped how I have been feeling. Being able to have a part time job has also helped me a lot, it gives me the chance to need to get presentable and dressed nicely and work with people. I also have nurse appointments every Friday, that has helped me keep track of my eating disorder and check in with myself when Ana gets very loud. Having my partner come with me helps our household a lot because then I cannot hide things about my eating disorder. I have to out my eating disorder and if I happen to not my partner is able to do that for me. I am grateful I have the support that I do have. I am not sure where I would be without them.
Reconnecting with myself has been very important in the last couple of years. I spent a very long time lying to myself. I shouldn't say I have been lying to myself, more my eating disorder has been lying to me. Changing, twisting and controlling what I see in the mirror, what I deserve, what I eat, how I do things, or excuse things. Even when I didn't want to I would tell myself I deserved food, I deserved life and I deserved to move forward with my life. Doing this has helped me feel a lot better about myself. I still have many moments during everyday where I don't feel very good about myself, or I wish that I didn't have this eating disorder. That I didn't have to battle every single with my own mind. Its tiring, overwhelming and can often make me feel like I just am too much to handle. Those days are allowed to happen, I am only human after all. I just cannot let those days overcome me. I cannot unpack and live in those days. I need to accept them and then move forward with a new day.
It's funny how as each day passes it doesn't seem that anything is different, yet when we look back over a period of time, it seems so much has changed.
I am a very strong believer in "everything happens for a reason." I believe life has this way of putting us through really tough situations so that we can be truly grateful for the good that comes our way. In my life I often times felt alone, unloved and like everyone would be better off without me. Since accepting my eating disorder, and starting recovery I have learned that I am very loved, I am supported and I am never alone. I hated the lifestyle I had made for myself. I was genuinely not happy, overwhelmed and completely worthless. In this midst of all of that I found I did not have to be what the world told me I needed to be. I could be who I wanted to be in my heart. I had many moments where I realized that I had pushed away people and things I loved because I felt I did not deserve them. Once I opened my mind to the thought that, maybe everyone else isn't the problem. Maybe I myself needed to look into the mirror and start making some changes. Change who I surrounded myself with, change my living situation and many other things about myself. For a long time I wanted to kill myself, recently I heard a quote about if you want to kill yourself you don't have to stop living and it really spoke to me. If you don't like yourself you can kill the parts you don't like. For example, everyone used to call me Jenn, when I moved to a new town I felt I needed a new start, I did not want to pretend I was somebody I was not. So when I introduced myself I would do it as Jennifer and not as Jenn. It was something so small and so simple, but it honestly help me a lot. I have made many steps in the last couple of years to better my life. It feels really good to not be living in the word of hate anymore. I am grateful for the experiences I have gone through, because they made me the person I am today.