A few months ago I was so weak it literally took every fibre in my body just to get out of bed. It took even more out of me not to go back into bed. Upon standing I would get very dizzy and faint, I had to hold on to something or make sure I got up close to something so I had something to lean on. Sometimes I would get faint and dizzy just sitting there or laying in bed. I had shooting pains every single day from my toes up to my head. At high risk for heart attack and organ failure. Physically I was drained in every way possible. It took me hours to be able to convince myself to go for a walk with my daughter or to go get the thing from the store I wanted. Every time I went for a walk I would get over heated, sweaty and extremely light headed. My jaw started to hurt more and more each day. I could feel my body becoming smaller and smaller. Headaches came and went viciously, Cold all the time, although I was sweating I was still cold. I grew a very very thin layer of hair over my entire body.. You could see it in my face in my body, I was withering away to nothing, physically, emotionally and mentally.
I realized how badly my health was becoming. After being denied by in patient treatment centres and the hospital in my town I was feeling very defeated, like I was supposed to let my life go to Ana. I was fighting with my family and it was no bodies fault but my own. Ana was screaming and I was letting her win. She was firing a vicious storm to stop the help from happening. I was starting to realize I need to fight back. I am 5'6 1/2 and I weighed 89 pounds.. I had a BMI of 13.. My heart rate was rapid, I am low in Vitamins D, B12 and B1..
I was becoming terrified. First off I had just accepted I had anorexia sometime last year, and I mean really accepted it. When I went to see a counsellor at the walk in counselling centre. I met the woman who helped me fight my own mind, who didn't give up on me when Ana came raging into my mind and attacked those around me. She pushed through, checked up on me even after a big blow out, she gave me hope again that I wasn't supposed to go, I have more to live for than that. That's when I truly accepted I had anorexia. I worked my ass off with that counsellor to get a team set up so I could eventually go to in patient treatment. I was denied by the treatment centre. Heart broken.. Feeling defeated. I had been talking to someone online for quite some time. We were extremely close and he offered to help me. After Skype calls and phone calls, text messages and just hours and days of getting to know one another. We decided to make a plan for me to move up there because there is an eating disorder clinic up where he lives. I know I'm crazy for even doing it. October 1st was the set day that I would leave my life on Vancouver Island pack up and move to somewhere I had never been before, to someone I had never met face to face. My family wasn't to impressed but they supported my decision to make my own choices. So I spent weeks getting everything into place, so that when I moved I would be already involved with the ED clinic, and be able to start focusing on my recovery full force.
I can't sit here and tell you that everything has been perfect. I miss my kids more than you could ever know... My babies! It's hard being so far away. I also know it's for the best right now. Before I came I started drinking ensure as much as I could but once I got here I started always having ensure and taking my vitamins, I was starting to eat more, and everything was starting to get better slowly.
My Health is still not up to par yet. My heart is still at risk, my organs as well. I still am cold a lot of the time and moving to Prince George really didn't help the cold aspect of it (BRRRR -20 today).
I still have mountains to climb before my health is where it should be. As for right now I'm feeling a lot better than I was 4 months ago. I have the little energy to get out of bed, and the energy to not go back into bed all day. Just for short little periods. I am able to walk to the store and get myself whatever it is I need without worrying about fainting or falling over . Without getting totally over heated, that might be because it's crazy cold out side! I am actually able to help out around the house without it taking me hours and hours, or without it making me feel like I need to sleep for 6 hours during the day. I am starting to get my hunger feelings back. Last night I actually felt hungry. I feel less like food has control over me and more like I have control over food.
I won't lie, I have my days where I'm literally exhausted from fighting Ana. I feel defeated and I just want to give up. I still have my days where I restrict and I don't even realize. Recovery does not happen over night. Recovery does not happen in a week. Recovery does not happen in a month. Recovery can take months and months or even years and years. Anorexia is a battle within yourself. It is a struggle that if you don't have it you might not understand it. I did not choose Ana. Ana came into my life sneakily and took over with great great power. Food is still pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and sometimes I get so frustrated trying to figure out what to eat I end up not eating.
I am doing much better than I was four months ago. Breakfast isn't so scary anymore. That was huge challenge for me.
It feels good to concur Ana, when I finish a meal, or drink a big smoothie. It makes me feel good and strong, like I have a fighting chance against this fucking bitch (pardon my language there). It makes me think to myself that I am worthy of life without Ana. I am allowed to get better and I didn't believe that before. She can't take me anymore, she may be able to creep in a few days here and there right now, not for long.. Slowly she is being shunned, killed... Be gone bitch. Be gone. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, I sure am a lot farther from where I was..
I feel grateful for the people who looked at me and told me that I was worth it, the people who never gave up on me, my mom for dealing with everything she's ever had to deal with because of me and because of Ana. I couldn't have done any of this without her raising my daughter. To my sons grandparents and father for raising my son and giving him everything he needs while I battle this demon inside me. I am grateful to that counsellor for standing up for me, for spending hours and days helping me get it all sorted out, for making the appointments for me and even sitting in on them with me just so I would actually do it. I am grateful for a friend who sat me down and said I know your not okay, I know your broken and I see so much inside of you. That day I had faith that someone actually seen how much I was struggling inside, how much I actually need help. I'm so grateful for my followers and supporters.
I started sharing my story because I wanted my struggle, my journey, everything I've experienced and dealt with to mean something. If writing my personal story and sharing it all over the internet for the world to see is going to help someone, even just one single person out the there, my story matters. I have had so many people reach out to me through comments, but most of all the people who have reached out to me in private messages and inspiring quotes and pictures. It might seem ridiculous but this all makes me feel like my story means something, like it matters to someone.
I started my blog on oct 11th after I moved to Prince George. Since that day I have received 1168 views. INCREDIBLE! the fact my story is getting out there the way it is is empowering for me. It's helped me feel a lot stronger in my journey.
So to every single person who has been apart of my journey, family, friends, counsellors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, my boyfriend, my followers, my social media friends, random strangers, people I've met along the way. Thank you so much!
Sharing my story has helped in so many ways for me, and the fact that my writing is helping others to just means that much more!
No comments:
Post a Comment