And maybe in life I am just supposed to learn to live without the Disorders, maybe my life isn't about the job, the license the cars, the successfulness that people associate with money. Maybe my life is about learning to live without worrying about food, weight and body image, maybe it's about learning to love myself and just being able to live a regular daily routine, without the depression, the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and the feelings of not feeling worthy of life. Maybe I was put on this earth to overcome everything thrown my way so I can use it to empower others... What if I wasn't put on this earth to be the most Successful or the most "popular"
Lately I've been realizing I could care less if people don't like me. I'm not here to please you. And if you sitting there waiting for it, Ah, your gonna be waiting a damn long time. What if I was put on this earth to survive this illness and battle with others to overcome things too. Maybe I'm trying to impress everyone else.. I would be very happy with my life if I could just, overcome my emotional battles, if I could live a daily life without the worry of emotions and ana getting in the way, if I could eat without care and not have to worry about heart attacks and organ fail, if I could live a life without depression coming in and destroying every nice thought I have of myself and everything around me.
Most people want a successful job, to get married have a home. You know what I want ? I want this battle in my mind to stop, I want to feel okay again. I DONT WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I want to just be able to live, not worrying about staying alive. I'm so tired, I'm just so tired. I can't scream any louder, CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! Doesn't anyone see that I'm not okay.? Doesn't anyone read between my lines and see that I'm broken and I'm dying and no matter how hard I'm fighting with myself I am struggling and I am guilty..
CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! I ruin my own life, screaming for help, I destruct myself and things around me, screaming wishing and hoping someone would hear me... Someone would see I am not strong right now, my words are strong, I am good at empowering others. Myself not so much. I know I'm the only one who can fix this mess of a life I've created for myself... Wait did I even create it? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted this. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I'm screaming so loud... I'm just so tired.. I just want a life where I don't have to worry about surviving, I don't care about the fancy job, the nice cars or owing my own home. I just want health, happiness and stability. I want to be a mother to my children and to not have to worry about my heart and my organs or that I can't do any physical activity, I shouldn't feel guilty for running around with my kids, or walking to the store or having a hot bath... I JUST WANNA FEEL OKAY AGAIN.... Can anyone fucking hear me? Screaming so loud.....?
I'm just so tired... Tired of screaming... Tired of fighting... Just tired
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