I think maybe my life will always be a roller coaster. I will always have curve balls thrown my way. It's not a matter of a smooth path, just a matter of finding peace with the bumpy path I'm already on, learning to accept that life goes up and it comes back down again. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I see staring back at me.
I feel like I have been living trying to make the world proud of me, which has only resulted in failure. One reason is because you can't please every body, someone somewhere along the line is going to disagree with what you do, or is going to tell you your doing something wrong. It isn't about what those people want for you. It's about what you want for yourself, it's about making yourself proud, building a life you want to wake up for everyday. It isn't about pleasing the rest of the world. If you spend the rest of your life trying to please everyone else your going to live a very very unhappy life. You cannot make everyone happy, not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that's okay. You have to live to make yourself happy, your the one who has to wake up in your body and live your life, so why build a life based on what will make everyone else happy? Your the one living it, so start making choices that you want in life, that will bring you closer to where you want to be, take a stand for yourself, be selfish for 30 minutes a day.
You weren't born to make everyone else happy, you were born to live. To grow, to learn, to make mistakes and try again if it doesn't work the first time. To learn when is the right times to walk away and when is the right time to put the effort in to stay. It's about leaving the job that makes you unhappy and going for the one you've always dreamed of. Instead of saying I can't do that because of.... Whatever your excuse may be. Replace I can't, with I'm going to try anyways. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take as my dad always used to say.
Would you rather be eighty looking back at life going, man I wish I had done that, or said how I felt to that person, or just took the step and tried. Or would you rather be eighty looking back going I never gave up, I kept trying. I think it would feel a lot better to look back and be proud of all the different things you challenged yourself to, be proud of all the chances you did take, feel fulfilled in your life because you didn't not take the opportunity or the job you thought you couldn't handle.
Give yourself a chance, even if it's just a little one. Believe in yourself.
Your the only one who can truly look at themselves and say, you need to do this because no one is going to do it for you.
Maybe this new year is the time to start taking chances in my life, to start doing the things I talk about doing instead of just planning and talking about them, I need to stop with the "I can't" and start with the "I'm going to try anyways"
I would rather fail trying my best at something, then wish I had taken the chance and wonder for the rest of my life if I could have succeeded at whatever it may have been.
I asked my daughter the other day what she wanted to be when she grows up... After I asked the question my heart kinda sank for a minute. I thought to myself what if she says she wants to be just like me, what if I'm the one she looks up to and wants to be just like when she grows up. Right now that's really scary. I don't want my daughter on disability, anorexia and struggling for her life. I want her to succeed in every way of life, to finish school on time, to go to college if she wants, to find a job she enjoys, to be a independent young women, without the disorders, without the trauma, without the anorexia, without the pain I've been carrying around with me since I was four. I don't want her living with this feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, I want her to feel empowered, strong, confident and happy in her life.
As of right now, I am not setting a very good example. What so ever. That kills me. Deeply hurts me. I want to be the role model. The one she's dying to be just like, just not like this. Not broken and sad, the feeling of being unlovable. She doesn't deserve it. If I want my daughter to look up to a strong independent woman, I need to start being a strong independent woman, I need to start paving the path to show my daughter how to overcome obstacles and to continue on with life even when it feels unbearable.
At that moment when my heart sank, I realized that I needed to fix something. Not for anyone else but for me, because I don't want my daughter looking up to the person I am right now, I want her to look up to recovered Mommy, healthy Mommy, stable Mommy, working Mommy, The mommy who just wants to give her children the world!
The mommy who can give her children as much as she could possibly give. I need to make some changes for me. Not for my doctors, my parents, my family, my friends, not for my followers or the social media world. I need to do this for me. I deserve it. I deserve to feel confident in my skin again, I deserved to feel beautiful without feeling guilty about it. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE MYSELF. Even though society says otherwise. I am allowed to love my body. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE FOOD, without Ana screaming Everytime I go to grab something. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.
No comments:
Post a Comment