Since I have been back in nanaimo many things have changed for me. First of all I started my counselling with both my regular counsellor and my walk in counsellor who I can see whenever I need to, they refereed me to a group three times a week. I have been going as much as I can, I won't lie and say I've made it every single time. I have not. I have made 11 sessions which makes me incredibly proud of myself. Something I have never done is continued on with my counselling for many many sessions, even after I felt like I was doing good. I have also got back involved with my doctor. I will be getting blood work done soon to see how my health is doing and then starting the paper work with WestWind for my admission. My counsellors are helping me set a plan for after treatment. That way when I get out of treatment and come back to the island I will have everything set into place, I don't want to come back and not have any of the things I had in treatment so I am trying to be smart about everything. Thankfully I have a good team who is taking me very seriously here in nanaimo. Even my doctor seems to have done some research surrounding eating disorders. It makes me really happy to feel confident in the supports I have here for after treatment and until I head off to treatment.
I am currently living back with my mom, who is the sole care provider for my daughter. I love that I get to be with my daughter until I go. Which brings me to why I haven't been blogging as much or posting all of my meals. I have been like a chicken running around with my head cut off! With all the counselling appointments, doctors and group, plus being a mom and trying to give my mother a break as Bella is my child. I have also been trying to see lots of friends before I go, as I have been reconnecting with old friends as well as encountering new ones. I am extremely blessed for the support and encouragement my family has been giving me. My reaching out and sharing my story has helped my family and my friends understand who I am, why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do.
As of now I am trying to prepare to leave for treatment, I will get an email letting me know when to submit my paper work and then they will tell me when I leave. I have to get everything ready and start explaining to my daughter why mommy has to leave again. The absolute hardest thing I have to do.. Again. It's not fair. Although I cannot dwell on that. I have been given an opportunity of a life time and I am taking it by the horns, I am not letting this get away, I get seven maybe eight weeks in treatment to learn new skills and get myself on track to a successful recovery, I will not screw this up. The first thing I am doing to prepare for treatment is eating six mini meals a day, I was doing really really well and then I fell back the last week, I am trying to battle my mind again because it's decided to tell me I'm huge... I've never really felt those thoughts about my entire body before, I mean I've had those thoughts surrounding certain areas of my body like my butt and my thighs and hips, but never my torso or feeling like I'm getting a muffin top ( fuck off ana, me a muffin top? You've got to be kidding me, you've got years before that happens) the intense bloating got time forsure, my belly was huge. I am a small girl and I have carried two pregnancies. I felt like I was five months pregnant every night and I'm sure if I took a photo of the bloating and placed it beside my pregnancy ones it would be the same ðŸ˜
These thoughts are seriously awful and I just don't even know where they are coming from. Everything is going so well and falling into place exactly how it needs to... Why can't ana just leave it the hell alone?!
I know that's what I'm trying to do by eating all these mini meals, so why does it scare me so much when I start seeing even the slightest of change in my body, it felt really good at first the first few times I was stoked and felt on top of the world like no one could stop me now..
Unfortunately Ana has plans of her own for my mind and body and now I am fighting battling and emotionally dealing with this bitch trying to sabotage it all.
I keep telling myself that I just need to keep trying, every day is a new day and I can try again tomorrow. I got a tattoo on my left inner arm that says "hey little fighter things will get brighter" with the eating disorder symbol along my wrist, I got this as I've been struggling again and I wanted to have something permanent that I can always see that will keep my mind on track and remind me what's important. It also helps me realize things will get better, bad days don't last. Hard times come and go and if you just keep trying things can get better.
Even though it could take years I won't stop fighting for my life, for my children's mothers life, for my parents daughters life, for my friends friends life, I will not stop. I deserve health, I deserve happiness and I deserve this opportunity to get better.
I feel like the luckiest girl in the world begin given a gift by so so so many people. The donations from the smallest to the biggest, I can't even begin to express. It makes me burst into tears thinking about how many people rallied behind me to help me get better, to help me get my life back, to help raise awareness and to help me get healthy so I can help other people struggling. I am forever grateful for every single message, donation, any information anything you may have done, from sharing it or liking it so it showed up on others newsfeeds, every single bit if it counts because without it all I would not be where I am today, getting prepared to head off to treatment.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! My heart is filled with love ❤️❤️
I can never thank you all enough! Words don't express my gratitude!
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