Secondly, I want to thank each and every person who has helped me get where I am today, to every person who has donated, spoke out to me, encouraged me, shared my story, signed the petition, supported me through the hurdles, and everything else I cannot thank you enough. It may seem very silly to most but I could have never done this without the support I have received from my friends, family and social media. Its encouraging and inspiring knowing that there is people who care about those who are struggling. From the smallest donation to the biggest, from the smallest of messages to the longest, from the invites to the sharing your personal stories with me, I thank you so so much. You all help me each and everyday.
I have been told before I focus to much on social media. I disagree with this statement, I mean don't get me wrong I find someday's I need to put my cellphone away and focus what's in front of me, but for right now social media is very helpful for me. I have supporters, friends, family and much more. I can open up a screen and let my feelings out without hurting those who live with me or surround me on a daily basis. I believe that my blog, instagram and recovery Facebook are very helpful along my journey to recovery, and in those times when I do become triggered by it, I have realized I need to focus more on the here and now. Its about balancing the things in your life in a healthy manner.
Thirdly, I want to explain a little bit more of what has been happening with WestWind and with Disability. To give anyone clarity, as this is even complicated for myself.
There was a large sum donation made by an anonymous person, this donation was made to the eating disorder foundation in my name and asked that it be donated to WestWind in Manitoba. This large donation never went through my bank account and never touched my hands, therefore it solidifies me going to WestWind for 7 weeks. The donations made through the Gofundme account on the other hand turned out a little differently. Someone decided to call Disability and tell them that I was earning income from being on a television show. Which is untrue. I have been on the news, I did not get paid for being on the news, you tube, or posting my video anywhere else for that matter. I posted this video on my person Facebook and you tube account, not expecting to receive any type of income from anyone. I posted this video in hopes to raise donations for me to be able to attend WestWind eating disorder treatment center. After the call to disability was made, there was a flag put onto my account which in turn meant my cheque was going to be held. I received a call from disability stating what had been said and stating that I needed to claim the money as unearned income. I know that if I was to claim these donations as unearned income it would be deducted from my monthly cheques which means I would loose my income for several months, or they would add a debt onto my account that I would pay back in payments of $20 monthly out of my income cheque. This made me frustrated as this money wasn't donated for me to use as my income this money was donated for me to be able to get the help I so desperately need with my eating disorder. I fought for my rights because I knew this wasn't fair to myself and to all those who donated their money. I dealt with many different people at the disability office, including two different managers, I filled a report with the local MLA, I also spoke with citizens advocacy. I wrote a three page letter explaining myself and everything else. After a few weeks of being pushed and pulled through circles and hoops I finally got a call with good news. An application that had been sent off by one of the managers had been accepted. This application was to view all the donations as a one time gift. Which means disability will not be touching any of the donated money. Thank heavens!! I could not have done this without everyone's support.
I have filed out all the paperwork for admission and done the doctors paperwork for admission, I am currently just faxing off one last paper and then I just wait to hear about an arrival date for WestWind. I am very excited to go and start this part of my journey, I am excited to gain new tools and knowledge to help myself along recovery. I am excited to try yoga for the first time and hopefully make some friends in the center. There is only five girls so that will make it easier on me than having tons and tons of people everywhere. I am grateful I get my own room and that it is very independant. They also encourage you to skype and keep in contact with family on down time like between group therapies and such. There is a lot for me to gain going to WestWind, that doesnt mean I am not terrified. I am completely and utterly nervous to go across three provinces to a town I don't know, Its also kind of thirlling. I get to see new parts of Canada. I get to explore while I travel to Brandon. Im also very lucky to have a friend in Brandon Manitoba, who is going to help me along my way there aswell. It will be so helpful to have a friendly face!
In the past few weeks I have been struggling majorly, restricting a lot and making excuses to skip my groups. Which could possibly be because things are falling into place and Ana gets really loud when good things start happening to eliminate her. She's raging in my mind lately, like a tornado that just doesnt give up. Ive been trying to force myself to eat at least enough to keep my bmi over 15. I just barely make it over the dietician said, I keep telling myself at least I am there. 15 or more is where I want to be.
My body aches and shakes have come back, I try to just distract myself or ignore it. Its hard to ignore when my palms are super sweaty and i'm shaking like a bad carnival ride. Those are the moments I try to even just have a few bites of something or a glass of milk in hopes that itll be enough just to stop the shaking.
Im hoping as things with disability mellow out and as i get my date to arrive in Brandon it might get easier to stay on track.
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