What is borderline personality disorder

What is BPD? What is Boderline Personality Disoder? 
Boderline Personality Disoder, otherwise known as "BPD" is a mental illness. 
Im not going to try to explain exactly what BPD is because everyone who has it, isn't dealing with the same
emotions, symptoms, or life style. Everyone expirencing BPD is different, has a different story and couple
be expirencing BPD differently than myself. Instead of trying to explain what exactly it is, I am going to explain my expirence
with BPD.
Which let me start with has not been easy. I struggle with trying to avoid real or imaginative abandonment,
this has become a problem in my life where I have lost loved ones, friends and family over it. I make up scenarios in my head,
wondering if they will come true. Sometimes I think about it so much my life actully becomes like that. For example, I was dating
an Ex, and i was afraid he would leave me, so i thought if i kept talking to him about it it would help, Instead it drove him away,
because no matter what he did, I still had this fear he would leave me. Having this disoder has made relationships with my own
family extremly difficult aswell as completely non existant. Which honestly doesn't make it any easier. It just makes me wonder
why I wasn't good enough to not be given up on. That lands me at how unstable my emotions are. anxiety has become a normal thing
in my life, comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes stays for hours and sometimes even days.
Have you ever felt empty? as if there was litterally nothing inside of you? No, Im not talking about your stomach or how little food is
in your belly. Im taking about that aching chronic pain inside you that just never seems to go away, I mean you can smile and laugh
enjoy the little moments and everything around you, yet still feel completely empty, emotionally drained or over taken by emotions.
Have you ever felt so empty of life that you laid restless, watching the hours go by, waiting for another day? Have you ever felt so
empty of love that you litterally didnt feel capable of giving love or even worse recieving it?
I have, I live in that every day. I live in my mind telling me Im not good enough, I refuse mediction because i want to find
true copeing skills in my life, and not to rely on drugs. Some people might think that is a little insane. Althought its been medically proven that
medications in fact don't seem to help with borderline personality disoder, and espically when you've got three other disoders
to take into consideration.
Has someone ever said something to you, that just really hit your emotions wrong? I mean that caused a huge comotion in your
entire day, maybe even in your week. This happens to me often, just not really with such huge issues. Its usually the little things that
send me into an angry mood. most of the time, I spend arguing with whoever im aarguing with, Im spending the sme time trying
to figure out what the hell is even coming out of my mouth and why im even wanting to say these things, or why someone telling me
that we have to wait a few days for something totally unimportant can send me spinning, angry, unrational. I dont understand why it happens
and when it does, and the fight is over, or my irrational behaviour has stopped. I feel embarassed, confused, hopeless. Another huge part of BPD
is how hard my emotions hit me. its extremly difficult for my mind to find a middle ground, I am either super happy and everything is great, I feel on top of the world. Or i feel like my lifes falling apart like everything is horrible and everyone doesnt like me. It can go from one to the other in a matter of minutes. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me, and im the one living it. I have alot of days where I sit around and feel as if Im not even really a person in
life, some days i feel like im real and the world around me isnt. Ive seen many people online whove done articles about BPD that alot of people with
it mention that they feel "dead inside". I can relate to that feeling, Its a feeling as if the world has given up on you, like your loved ones just think you want attention, like your emotions don't matter to people, you feel worthless, or pretend, like your not even a person.

I would have to say for me the hardest part of BPD, is all of it. Honestly, no part of any of this is easy. That doesn't mean its not something you can learn to cope with, it doesnt mean that you cannot learn to love life with BPD. I myself have just not found that yet. I am building my team right now, and its defitenly not going to happen over night. It is going to take time, trial and error, support love and so much more. I have so many obstacles to over come, I am just really glad I have already over come some, It means ive made the first step, and the second, and many more after that, which means im on the right track.

IT ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING OVER NIGHT, OR MAKING THE BIG HUGE STEPS. ITS ABOUT OVERCOMING YOURSELF, LEARNING, TRYING AND BECOMING THE PERSON YOU KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN BE. WHAT IT IS ABOUT IS THAT YOUR MAKING THOSE STEPS AND TAKING A CHANCE AT A DIFFERENT LIFE. IF YOU DONT GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOUR LIFE WILL SELF DESTRUCT.
there isn't always going to be people around to help you. I do know one person whos been there since day one though, YOURSELF.
dont doubt yourself. 

Accepting and Moving Forward

I've heard a lot of people say "the hardest part is accepting you have a problem."
I don't agree. I agree that accepting your problem is hard, it's more than hard, I know that from experience. That hardest part for me was accepting the help to get better. I mean you can accept that you have a problem, although accepting it isn't going to change the fact you have this problem. What's going to change it is accepting the help, and that's the scary part. Even though it's a problem in your life it's your comfort zone, your safety blanket, what your used to. Breaking out of that is the hardest thing.
I accepted I had anorexia for the first time about six months ago, I knew I had a problem with weight I just never realized it was this bad. I have had anorexia since I was 17, I'm now 20.
For me accepting it was hard but it wasn't the hardest part, once I accepted it, I had to take the next step, which was asking for the help I needed. I was terrified, being told your at risk for heart attack at 20 is a major wake up call. My counsellor helped me set up the help I needed, which was the easy part of getting help. Once I had the meetings set up, I realized that I was scared. My anorexia took over. "You don't need help" " your not sick" "this is you" "why change now" "your fine" "don't listen to them" "they don't want to help you" "run away" "don't get help" all these thoughts running through my head telling me getting help was a mistake. It went on for weeks. Finally my counsellor realized I needed a push, so she sat in with me on an appointment and that's when I realized, I need to do this, not for anyone else but me.
Accepting that your slowly killing yourself is really hard, I mean who wants to admit that? I sure didn't. I was afraid that if I was open and honest they would lock me up in a pshyc ward and throw away the key. I know dramatic, but I'm seriously, I was absolutely utterly afraid. I didn't want to be honest because I was afraid of the help. I was afraid that it wouldn't help.
All of this has been completely worth it. Choosing recovery and choosing to accept help was the hardest, most emotional things I have ever done, and in the same breathe was the most amazing thing that could have ever happened to me.
I didn't want to scare anyone but the team I had in Nanaimo was worried I wouldn't even make it three more weeks to move, so many medical professionals are appalled that I am not admitted into hospital with a feeding tube. I was sick, weak and very unhealthy.
Can you believe that, 20 years old and they're worried I am going to live three more weeks. That's when I knew I couldn't stop now, I wasn't about to quit on myself, I was staring death in the face, I was weeks away from it.. Terrified and scared, my counsellor told me over and over how serious this was. I don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for my counsellor (she's actually just a pshycriatric nurse). She saved my life, didn't give up on me when I would walk out, she would call me a few days later and tell me we were going to try again. That meant the world to me, it gave me hope for life again, it made me feel like I wasn't alone, like someone on this earth was rooting for me to get better.

Accept you have the problem, but don't just accept it. Move forward and ask for help, but don't just ask, move forward and accept the help, devote yourself back to yourself again! Your worth it!

It must be really hard, not to have your kids

I have heard it many times when talking about the situation with my children, the fact that they live with their grandparents, "that must be really hard on you". 
Of course it's hard on me, I wish more than anything I could be mentally, physically and emotionally stable to take care of my children. I wish more than anything I could raise them and give them the life they deserve.
What's harder is knowing that if I was raising them I would be exposing them to my anger, my resentment, my emotional issues, my eating issues and everything else. I can hardly take care of myself right now. It is completely unfair of me to expose my children to all of this because they are young, innocent and deserve the best life's they could ever have, and right now I cannot give that to them. Right now I struggle taking care if myself. It would be harder having them knowing that I'm unstable and not giving them the best life possible.

I am grateful that my children have safe, happy, stable homes. With loving and caring people. They are striving where they are. As a parent, the best possible thing you can do for your child is give them the healthiest, safest, happiest and most stable life possible, and right now I am doing that. No, I may not personally be caring for my children, they are with their grandparents. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I don't want the world for them. It just means that right now, I need to step back, take care of myself, get stable and let my children strive and have amazing wonderful happy lives! My children deserve the best, and I sadly cannot give that to them right now. I haven't given up. That's why I am on the path of recovery.
I am grateful for my Mom, for stepping up and supporting my children this entire time. I am grateful to my step dad, for stepping in and supporting my children. I am grateful for my sons Grandparents who have supported myself and my children through it all. I am grateful that my children have safe homes, with people who love and care so much about them.

I see a lot about absentee moms online, it really hits home for me. It's my guilt that gets me. My guilt that I can't support my children right now. I know that there is a difference between, choosing a life of drinking and partying over being a parent than dealing with a mental illnesses. That's the hardest part for me, the guilt.
All though I know I am doing what's best for my children, I still wish with all my heart I could be there, watching them grow and learn, helping them succeed in life, in school, with family and friends, to see them strive in what they love and to overcome obstacles, there's nothing more that I want.
I also want health, happiness and worth again. Before I can support my children fully the way they need me to, I need to get there, and it isn't something that's going to happen over night.

I feel like I judge myself about not having my kids more than anyone else does. That's something I need to overcome.

Anorexia.. And Eating Disoders
It's been life changing, it's been painful, struggling, heartbreaking, scary and so much more. It's been a rough journey. It's been almost four years since I started struggling with anorexia. At first I really didn't see a problem, I didn't see how it impacted my life, my relationships, the people around me and especially my health. I've been down to 79 pounds and up to 115 all through out these years. This year it has gotten worse than I ever thought. The pain I had before wasn't like it got this year. I had started a new job, was really excited about it. Eight hours seven days a week, I was set. Only until the pain started to become horrendous, unbearable, I started going to the doctors because it was outrageous. They tried me on Naproxen. Helped for a few days then the pain became stronger. The doctor referred me to get X-rays and have me T3's. I tried to go back to work and the T3's did help but only for a short time. I went back and they gave me synthetic marjiuana. They just made me really loopy. I ended up having to quit my job because i wasn't able to sit for 8 hours a day. The doctors seen something small in my Xray so they decided to give me an MRI. Finally I got the MRI and the results came back that nothing was unusual. Finally after doctor visits upon doctor visits, I accepted I have anorexia, I mean really accepted it. I went to the drop in counselling place in the town I was living in, and the lady helped me realize how serious my problem was, she helped my doctors get more involved as well as get me a eating disorder pahycriatrist as well as a therapist and helped me apply for a treatment Center. After blood tests and doctor visits and therapist visits, everyone was becoming extremly concerned. I tried to admit myself into hospital for anorexia with a BMI (body mass index) of 13.5. Very very low! Constant pain, in my hips, my neck, shoulders, constant head aches and body aches, my hips crack and pop, they lock up and get stuck, my ribs get stuck sometimes and my entire body hurts, my skin is discoloured and I didn't even realize how badly it was getting. I got a dietician and she helped me realize. I am 20 years old and I am at risk of heart attack.. Heart attack... Scary. Life altering scary, wake up call to the max for me. Slow painful death is what is in my future unless I continue on the path of recovery, unless I continue to focus on me and my health. Anorexia has been hell, it's been more than a battle it's been a war. I cannot get through this alone and that's the biggest thing i want others with anorexia or any eating disorder to understand, I want you to understand that people need help, and it may not be from friends or family, I mean professionals, therapists, dieticians, pshycriatrists, pshycologists, serious help. It's a life long battle. It doesn't just get up and walk away, it will literally take your life. Anorexia is not a lifestyle choice. It is a disease. A mental illness. It isn't something to be taken lighten. It's a very serious illness. A painful one at that, if you know someone, are someone, used to be someone, are becoming someone with anorexia or an eating disorder, you are an amazing person, you deserve life and you deserve happiness, no matter what this disorder is telling you. Also you are not alone. If you need help to recover please get help to do that. This is scary and I hate knowing that other girls are going through this, especially knowing a lot of them are alone! Reach out to me if you need!

My battle with Mental Illness and Anorexia

My name is Jennifer, I am 20 years old. I am a mother of two beautiful children, one girl and one boy. I had my children very young at the ages of 15 and 17. Sadly, I am battling a very scary disease. I have anorexia, sub type Restrictive. I have had this since I was 17 years old, Just before I found out I was pregnant with my son, I battled harshly with anorexia while I was pregnant. Which caused for a lot of complications throughout the pregnancy. I had to be given IV's filled with water because I was dehydrated, put on best rest for a total of four and a half months, I had to stop going to school because I wasn't allowed to leave bed, It caused a strain on the relationship with my mother and my family who I had lived with, along with my 16 month old daughter at the time. I went into false labor at least 6 different times, hospital trips, crying, emotions running high. It was a struggling time for me. Back then I didn't realize this was all a result of my anorexia. I had not accepted that I had this. I denied it actually. Claiming I ate a lot and I was healthy I never realized how badly having this affected my health. Doctors became concerned with my weight loss after I had the baby, I had gone to a lower weight after my pregnancy than I was before I even became pregnant. Three weeks after I had my son, my relationship with my mother grew weaker and weaker, her and I unable to resolve the conflicts. We had been dealing with the Ministry Of Children and Families for about a year. When my mother asked if I could be removed from the home as our fighting was causing to much stress. The agreement that was arranged was that until I was able to find an apartment to get settled into, my children would stay with my mother (my 21 month old and my 3 week old). I had to stay in a hostel above the bar. I was emotional about it, not happy I had to leave my children. I had resentment towards my mother and step dad for "taking my children". I look back now and realize that my anorexia was starting to completely take over me and my entire life. While I was living in the hostel, I didn't see the point in trying really hard anymore, I definitely lost my path for a while living in that hostel, I started drinking all the time, not eating unless I felt I completely had to, or when my friends would force me. I remember not having any money, I had been spending it on booze and smokes, I didnt have anything but croissants in my room, this went on for two weeks. During that two weeks, I remember a friend has stolen me some soup and a sandwich from the local safeway, I ate a small portion and remember that it went bad in the hostel fridge, the soup was thrown away.. How did I not see I had a problem?? I wish I could tell you... I remember another day these two guys me and a friend had been seeing asked me to come out for dinner with them, they said they would pay, I ordered a frozen lemonade and sat there while they ate their food. I was starving it was properly three days before I had eaten a meal. I mean don't get me wrong Id have a bite here and there every day but I would barely finish a meal.. If I could even get passed a few bites.. I had a fear of eating in public alone for a very long time, to this day I struggle with that. Its something that wont just change overnight and definitely can't do it alone. Back then I didnt want help from people, I wasnt ready to accept the circumstances of my life and my disease.. Three months after I moved into the hostel, my step dad agreed to be my co signer, and I got a two bedroom apartment. My friends and family helped me get some furnishings. I had enough for me and to take my children over nights. I felt really good about my new place, and I felt ready to take my children finally. The night I finally got my children over night, my daughter went to sleep very well, my son not so much, he fussed and cried and was warm, his temperature felt very hot and I felt helpless, I felt like I was unable to do this all alone because of how sick he was. For the first time in my parenting life I choose to ask for help, I called my mother and told her what was going on and I told her I didnt know what to do and I felt overwhelmed. She denied me any help. So I called my sons fathers parents, to ask them for help, they came and got my son and brought him to the hospital. During the time I was calling the other grandparents for help, My mother was calling social services on me saying I was going to harm my children, and that she was worried. By the time social services had shown up to my door, I was already back in bed, My son had been picked up by his grandparents and was taken to the hospital where they found out he had bronchitis. I was very grateful that someone helped me that night. I had a file opened on me with the Ministry of Children and Families. My heart was broken.. This is where things got complicated for me. I had a roomate move in because I wasnt having my children very often. I started drinking again a lot which was a mistake. Eventually I moved in with my boyfriend and his best friend and his best friends girlfriend. I lived with that boyfriend for about two years, We fought alot had a toxic relationship which caused me to loose privileges to see my children unsupervised. I was loosing weight again, back down to 89 pounds. Struggling in all parts of life. I ended up going on disability because I have three mental illness'. I struggle from Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes my life hell. It makes my emotions hit me 100,000 times harder than most individuals without mental disorders. It makes my relationships, friendships difficult to maintain, I overreact, my disorders take over me, Sometimes I believe I am unreal in the world or the world around me is unreal, I feel disassociation and I have paranoid ideation. I struggle with numerous things daily.  This is just a little piece of my story, Ive got alot more to share, I am hoping to make this blog to maybe help people who are in my situations, or maybe even people can reach out to me in ways to help me recover from Anorexia.. This is what my Journey is about. Struggling with Anorexia and Mental Illness, Trying to help people realize we are not alone. There is other people struggling in the world too.