What is BPD? What is Boderline Personality Disoder?
Boderline Personality Disoder, otherwise known as "BPD" is a mental illness.
Im not going to try to explain exactly what BPD is because everyone who has it, isn't dealing with the same
emotions, symptoms, or life style. Everyone expirencing BPD is different, has a different story and couple
be expirencing BPD differently than myself. Instead of trying to explain what exactly it is, I am going to explain my expirence
with BPD.
Which let me start with has not been easy. I struggle with trying to avoid real or imaginative abandonment,
this has become a problem in my life where I have lost loved ones, friends and family over it. I make up scenarios in my head,
wondering if they will come true. Sometimes I think about it so much my life actully becomes like that. For example, I was dating
an Ex, and i was afraid he would leave me, so i thought if i kept talking to him about it it would help, Instead it drove him away,
because no matter what he did, I still had this fear he would leave me. Having this disoder has made relationships with my own
family extremly difficult aswell as completely non existant. Which honestly doesn't make it any easier. It just makes me wonder
why I wasn't good enough to not be given up on. That lands me at how unstable my emotions are. anxiety has become a normal thing
in my life, comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes stays for hours and sometimes even days.
Have you ever felt empty? as if there was litterally nothing inside of you? No, Im not talking about your stomach or how little food is
in your belly. Im taking about that aching chronic pain inside you that just never seems to go away, I mean you can smile and laugh
enjoy the little moments and everything around you, yet still feel completely empty, emotionally drained or over taken by emotions.
Have you ever felt so empty of life that you laid restless, watching the hours go by, waiting for another day? Have you ever felt so
empty of love that you litterally didnt feel capable of giving love or even worse recieving it?
I have, I live in that every day. I live in my mind telling me Im not good enough, I refuse mediction because i want to find
true copeing skills in my life, and not to rely on drugs. Some people might think that is a little insane. Althought its been medically proven that
medications in fact don't seem to help with borderline personality disoder, and espically when you've got three other disoders
to take into consideration.
Has someone ever said something to you, that just really hit your emotions wrong? I mean that caused a huge comotion in your
entire day, maybe even in your week. This happens to me often, just not really with such huge issues. Its usually the little things that
send me into an angry mood. most of the time, I spend arguing with whoever im aarguing with, Im spending the sme time trying
to figure out what the hell is even coming out of my mouth and why im even wanting to say these things, or why someone telling me
that we have to wait a few days for something totally unimportant can send me spinning, angry, unrational. I dont understand why it happens
and when it does, and the fight is over, or my irrational behaviour has stopped. I feel embarassed, confused, hopeless. Another huge part of BPD
is how hard my emotions hit me. its extremly difficult for my mind to find a middle ground, I am either super happy and everything is great, I feel on top of the world. Or i feel like my lifes falling apart like everything is horrible and everyone doesnt like me. It can go from one to the other in a matter of minutes. Kind of ridiculous if you ask me, and im the one living it. I have alot of days where I sit around and feel as if Im not even really a person in
life, some days i feel like im real and the world around me isnt. Ive seen many people online whove done articles about BPD that alot of people with
it mention that they feel "dead inside". I can relate to that feeling, Its a feeling as if the world has given up on you, like your loved ones just think you want attention, like your emotions don't matter to people, you feel worthless, or pretend, like your not even a person.
I would have to say for me the hardest part of BPD, is all of it. Honestly, no part of any of this is easy. That doesn't mean its not something you can learn to cope with, it doesnt mean that you cannot learn to love life with BPD. I myself have just not found that yet. I am building my team right now, and its defitenly not going to happen over night. It is going to take time, trial and error, support love and so much more. I have so many obstacles to over come, I am just really glad I have already over come some, It means ive made the first step, and the second, and many more after that, which means im on the right track.
IT ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING OVER NIGHT, OR MAKING THE BIG HUGE STEPS. ITS ABOUT OVERCOMING YOURSELF, LEARNING, TRYING AND BECOMING THE PERSON YOU KNOW INSIDE YOURSELF THAT YOU CAN BE. WHAT IT IS ABOUT IS THAT YOUR MAKING THOSE STEPS AND TAKING A CHANCE AT A DIFFERENT LIFE. IF YOU DONT GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOUR LIFE WILL SELF DESTRUCT.
there isn't always going to be people around to help you. I do know one person whos been there since day one though, YOURSELF.
dont doubt yourself.
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