My battle with Mental Illness and Anorexia

My name is Jennifer, I am 20 years old. I am a mother of two beautiful children, one girl and one boy. I had my children very young at the ages of 15 and 17. Sadly, I am battling a very scary disease. I have anorexia, sub type Restrictive. I have had this since I was 17 years old, Just before I found out I was pregnant with my son, I battled harshly with anorexia while I was pregnant. Which caused for a lot of complications throughout the pregnancy. I had to be given IV's filled with water because I was dehydrated, put on best rest for a total of four and a half months, I had to stop going to school because I wasn't allowed to leave bed, It caused a strain on the relationship with my mother and my family who I had lived with, along with my 16 month old daughter at the time. I went into false labor at least 6 different times, hospital trips, crying, emotions running high. It was a struggling time for me. Back then I didn't realize this was all a result of my anorexia. I had not accepted that I had this. I denied it actually. Claiming I ate a lot and I was healthy I never realized how badly having this affected my health. Doctors became concerned with my weight loss after I had the baby, I had gone to a lower weight after my pregnancy than I was before I even became pregnant. Three weeks after I had my son, my relationship with my mother grew weaker and weaker, her and I unable to resolve the conflicts. We had been dealing with the Ministry Of Children and Families for about a year. When my mother asked if I could be removed from the home as our fighting was causing to much stress. The agreement that was arranged was that until I was able to find an apartment to get settled into, my children would stay with my mother (my 21 month old and my 3 week old). I had to stay in a hostel above the bar. I was emotional about it, not happy I had to leave my children. I had resentment towards my mother and step dad for "taking my children". I look back now and realize that my anorexia was starting to completely take over me and my entire life. While I was living in the hostel, I didn't see the point in trying really hard anymore, I definitely lost my path for a while living in that hostel, I started drinking all the time, not eating unless I felt I completely had to, or when my friends would force me. I remember not having any money, I had been spending it on booze and smokes, I didnt have anything but croissants in my room, this went on for two weeks. During that two weeks, I remember a friend has stolen me some soup and a sandwich from the local safeway, I ate a small portion and remember that it went bad in the hostel fridge, the soup was thrown away.. How did I not see I had a problem?? I wish I could tell you... I remember another day these two guys me and a friend had been seeing asked me to come out for dinner with them, they said they would pay, I ordered a frozen lemonade and sat there while they ate their food. I was starving it was properly three days before I had eaten a meal. I mean don't get me wrong Id have a bite here and there every day but I would barely finish a meal.. If I could even get passed a few bites.. I had a fear of eating in public alone for a very long time, to this day I struggle with that. Its something that wont just change overnight and definitely can't do it alone. Back then I didnt want help from people, I wasnt ready to accept the circumstances of my life and my disease.. Three months after I moved into the hostel, my step dad agreed to be my co signer, and I got a two bedroom apartment. My friends and family helped me get some furnishings. I had enough for me and to take my children over nights. I felt really good about my new place, and I felt ready to take my children finally. The night I finally got my children over night, my daughter went to sleep very well, my son not so much, he fussed and cried and was warm, his temperature felt very hot and I felt helpless, I felt like I was unable to do this all alone because of how sick he was. For the first time in my parenting life I choose to ask for help, I called my mother and told her what was going on and I told her I didnt know what to do and I felt overwhelmed. She denied me any help. So I called my sons fathers parents, to ask them for help, they came and got my son and brought him to the hospital. During the time I was calling the other grandparents for help, My mother was calling social services on me saying I was going to harm my children, and that she was worried. By the time social services had shown up to my door, I was already back in bed, My son had been picked up by his grandparents and was taken to the hospital where they found out he had bronchitis. I was very grateful that someone helped me that night. I had a file opened on me with the Ministry of Children and Families. My heart was broken.. This is where things got complicated for me. I had a roomate move in because I wasnt having my children very often. I started drinking again a lot which was a mistake. Eventually I moved in with my boyfriend and his best friend and his best friends girlfriend. I lived with that boyfriend for about two years, We fought alot had a toxic relationship which caused me to loose privileges to see my children unsupervised. I was loosing weight again, back down to 89 pounds. Struggling in all parts of life. I ended up going on disability because I have three mental illness'. I struggle from Depression, Chronic Mood Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. It makes my life hell. It makes my emotions hit me 100,000 times harder than most individuals without mental disorders. It makes my relationships, friendships difficult to maintain, I overreact, my disorders take over me, Sometimes I believe I am unreal in the world or the world around me is unreal, I feel disassociation and I have paranoid ideation. I struggle with numerous things daily.  This is just a little piece of my story, Ive got alot more to share, I am hoping to make this blog to maybe help people who are in my situations, or maybe even people can reach out to me in ways to help me recover from Anorexia.. This is what my Journey is about. Struggling with Anorexia and Mental Illness, Trying to help people realize we are not alone. There is other people struggling in the world too.