It must be really hard, not to have your kids

I have heard it many times when talking about the situation with my children, the fact that they live with their grandparents, "that must be really hard on you". 
Of course it's hard on me, I wish more than anything I could be mentally, physically and emotionally stable to take care of my children. I wish more than anything I could raise them and give them the life they deserve.
What's harder is knowing that if I was raising them I would be exposing them to my anger, my resentment, my emotional issues, my eating issues and everything else. I can hardly take care of myself right now. It is completely unfair of me to expose my children to all of this because they are young, innocent and deserve the best life's they could ever have, and right now I cannot give that to them. Right now I struggle taking care if myself. It would be harder having them knowing that I'm unstable and not giving them the best life possible.

I am grateful that my children have safe, happy, stable homes. With loving and caring people. They are striving where they are. As a parent, the best possible thing you can do for your child is give them the healthiest, safest, happiest and most stable life possible, and right now I am doing that. No, I may not personally be caring for my children, they are with their grandparents. That doesn't mean I love them any less, it doesn't mean I don't want the world for them. It just means that right now, I need to step back, take care of myself, get stable and let my children strive and have amazing wonderful happy lives! My children deserve the best, and I sadly cannot give that to them right now. I haven't given up. That's why I am on the path of recovery.
I am grateful for my Mom, for stepping up and supporting my children this entire time. I am grateful to my step dad, for stepping in and supporting my children. I am grateful for my sons Grandparents who have supported myself and my children through it all. I am grateful that my children have safe homes, with people who love and care so much about them.

I see a lot about absentee moms online, it really hits home for me. It's my guilt that gets me. My guilt that I can't support my children right now. I know that there is a difference between, choosing a life of drinking and partying over being a parent than dealing with a mental illnesses. That's the hardest part for me, the guilt.
All though I know I am doing what's best for my children, I still wish with all my heart I could be there, watching them grow and learn, helping them succeed in life, in school, with family and friends, to see them strive in what they love and to overcome obstacles, there's nothing more that I want.
I also want health, happiness and worth again. Before I can support my children fully the way they need me to, I need to get there, and it isn't something that's going to happen over night.

I feel like I judge myself about not having my kids more than anyone else does. That's something I need to overcome.