Anorexia needs to be talked about

I'm going to start this blog post off with a huge thank you to everyone who has stood behind me, encourage me, supported me, made donations, reached out to give information or even to share apart of your story with me! You have all given me so much more hope than I had before, you've made me step back and realize how many genuine caring people really are in this world. It's open my eyes even more to how little people know about anorexia.

How many people think it's just what they show in the movies or on tv shows. When that entirely is not the case. Yes eating Disoders can be caused by body image and wanting to be thinner, is that the only cause of eating Disoders? Absolutely NOT!
I did not have the urge to be smaller, I did not wish to loose weight. I lost control of my life and this disease snuck into it and took over. It came creeping slowly during my lowest point in life. I did not become anorexic because I wanted to be thinner. I did not even realize I had a problem. I do not purge (throw up). I restrict my intake, without even realizing I'm doing it most days. Anorexia isn't just throwing up and not wanting to eat. It's so much more than that, it affects your brain, your body, your moods, your organs, your heart and so much more. It takes your health and rips apart your life. Anorexia isn't just about not eating, if it were just wanting to eat I wouldn't have a problem. I spend hours in a day wanting to eat and fighting my brain to let my body go to the fridge and not just look but actually eat something. I probably go to the fridge and cupboards 5-20 times a day, how many times do I actually grab food... Probably 1-5 times. Maybe a little more on a really good intake day. I could be having an amazing emotion day, feeling strong and confident and it could be my worse intake day. I could not eat all day until right before bed then when it finally do eat it's a small few bites of whatever it is I can manage and then I feel full. My body hates me. My stomach is in pain and growling and knotted feeling all the time. I could be having a really horrible emotion day and I could eat more than the intake I'm supposed to have. Or it could go any way in between I could have a bad emotion day and a bad eating day, those are the worst.. They are painful and just straight up exhausting. It could also be a really good emotion day and a good eating day too. It's a roller coaster, not one two days is ever the same!
The kitchen.. The kitchen.. Me and the kitchen have a different relationship than someone without an eating disorder. Some times I love spending time in the kitchen cooking and meal planning and organizing and cleaning just enjoying it full force, other days I hate it.. I avoid it.. I cry has soon as I walk into it, I'll walk in and walk out, walk in and walk out... I'll sit on the kitchen floor and break down, yelling in my mind why can't I just damn well pick something and eat.
It's a battle in my own mind against my own self. Just think about it for a minute....   You wake up in the morning tell your self your going to eat breakfast and start your day off right. *inside your mind..... BAHAHAHHAA YOU THINK YOUR GONNA HAVE BREAKFAST BITCH SCREW THAT, YOU DONT EVEN WANNA GET OUT BED, YOU DONT WANT THAT FOOD ITS DISGUSTING AND YOUR NOT GOING TO LIKE IT STAY IN BED, JUST DONT EAT CMON YOU KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO AND THAT I AM GOING TO WIN YOUR A WORTHLESS BITCH ANYWAYS*
every single day, every single hour, all the bloody time. She's screaming at me. Yelling and tearing around inside my mind. Taking over every chance she gets.
No matter if I say inside my mind, out loud or if I try to just ignore it... ITS ALWAYS LOUDER! I'm exhausted before I even step out of bed in the morning. My body is really not happy with how little walking and moving around I do now. It's hard when you can't do physical activity but not doing it isn't helping the pain your body is in. I am supposed to just eat and sit around maybe go for a small walk every few days to keep my body moving, it's terrible. I'm tired of it. I want my face and jaw to stop hurting already, it doesn't make eating any easier when it's painful. I have these tiny little bruises all over my body where my bones stick out when I'm sitting in the tub or leaning on something. I want to want food again, if you knew me before anorexia came into my life you know me and food were like best friends I would out eat soooo many people and I was always wanting seconds, I remember my mom used to joke that I was expensive to feed because it was all going to my hollow leg haha.
I was always a very small girl, the only reason it was not a problem before is because I did eat so much and I never worried about food like I do now.
Food is scary now, unfortunately. It's my hugest battle. It's taken over my life, my thoughts.. It's taken over everything. I didn't think that you could ever be anorexic without wanting to be thinner, I was so so wrong. anorexia is not a joke, it's not funny, it's not something to make fun of. ANOREXIA NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. In more ways than one, why is it only the worst of cases are spread for the world to see, what about the cases where hearts and organs are at risk, where lives are at risk even though you haven't hit the ultimate skin and bones figure?
WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO COME TO THAT FOR THE WORLD TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY?!
Do you know how many days I've spent going if I just don't eat and don't drink water for at least a week completely or more then I could go and they would admit me because if be literally dying... I fainted last week after I got out of the tub, I blinked only to open my eyes laying on the floor and my head against the wall. I won't go to the hospital for that because they won't take me seriously anyways. I felt like I was completely alone in this fight. I felt like I literally was the only one who understood. Until I decided to share my story.

The hardest part about sharing my story wasn't admitting to all of you I have a problem, it was looking at my self square in the teary eyes in the mirror and saying, yes I am anorexic and yes I do need help. Since sharing my story, I don't feel so alone anymore. So so many people struggle with eating disorders and because of how the world has made us to view them, so so many of these people are ashamed and scared to share there story, it's not fair. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ANYMORE! We need to empower eachother not let eachother hide away dying from this horrible disease. We need to take anorexia seriously. WE NEED TO TAKE IT OUT THE SHADOWS, educate to eliminate. Come on people; this is sick and disgusting what it's doing to peoples minds, body's families. It's sick. Twisted and seriously not fair. Anorexia is life threatening.
Let's stop hiding in the shadows so that we can help prevent any one else from going through this emotional roller coaster of a life. HELP ME HELP THE WORLD! Help our children and our children's children not have to ever deal with this again.
I will not stop until anorexia is openly talked about, I don't care how long it takes. While helping myself I will empower others to do the same. I will encourage and try my best to answer anyone who needs me or reaches out to me.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! we can win this battle together, no matter where in the world you are, be with me in heart on this journey be with me in your soul and fight back, WIN THIS BATTLE, let's kick this bitches ass!