How when the sun goes down the sky has that sunset glow to it, the one that just kind of makes you appreciate life a little but more. Even when it seems your entire world is coming crashing down on you, just taking in the world can calm your thoughts. Have you ever been driving down the highway and saw one of those big fields with the mountains in the back ground, and just wish you could just run into the beauty if it all, into the calmness that your eyes see when your looking at this view. Running just far enough so no one can hear you while you just SCREAM, let it all out just been down.
Every time I go up a mountain or up to somewhere I can look over the town/city I want to just scream. Would anyone down there hear me? Have you ever been so tired of hearing your own sobbing you put your headphones in and just blared the music so you couldn't heard yourself anymore. I always thought as I got older my emotions would be easier to handle, but to be honest it's only become harder. I've come to find out many things about myself that I really don't like. It's made it almost impossible to love myself, let alone believe that anybody else could love me.
For years I've been trying to fill this void that I feel inside me. I've felt that void since I was a little girl. I've been trying to full this void with the attention and affection from men. Wow I feel like a slut for saying that but it's time to own my actions and really learn from them. How do you fill a void with love from someone else when you feel so unlovable. The answer is you don't. No matter how much someone else loves you if you feel unlovable it doesn't matter. You'll fight it, not trust it or just straight up sabotage it. You won't accept that they love you. You'll find every reason why they shouldn't love you or in your eyes why they don't. Even if they tell you a hundred times a day they do, or do the little things to show you.
So I've been trying to fill a void with someone else's love when I need to be filling this void with self love. The love of myself. You can only lie to yourself for so long. It becomes tiring. I didn't even realize I was trying to fill this void until I can to Prince George. I crave attention. Attention makes me feel worthy of life, it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. Although I want this attention I also want to be respected, which makes me hate the attention. How can I expect any of you to respect me when I don't even respect myself. I give myself away to those who feed me with lies. I latch on to this intense feeling of lust, in hopes that this time it will be different. I feel disgusting that when guys message me it's about something sexual or how my body looks or when they can take me home.. I guess I can't really blame them when I'm projecting myself towards them the way I do.
For the first time in a long time I don't want to find someone to share my life with. I don't want a relationship. I want to find help to learn to love and respect myself, I want to find help to stand on my own two feet. I want to get stable, go to counselling regularly and continue in the road to recovery.
I am all for new friendships and even my old friendships with the opposite sex. But if your looking to get in my pants or date me. Step back please. I am focusing on myself. If you wish to be my friend throughout this I'm all for that. If you want me sexually or relationship wise. Wait. If I'm that worth it to you, you'll wait and let me get myself together before asking me out.
It's more about self restraint than anything at all. I need to focus on me. I need to be happy for me. Not for a man.
It's time I stop lying to myself and accept this all about myself. To accept it is going to help me move forward with it.
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