As I start to pack my life back into suitcases, I'm realizing how much my life has changed since I last did this. That was only in September as I moved October first.
I'm realizing how much I needed this experience. Although moving 600 kilometres from any family or friends was terrifying. I learned a lot about my inner self. As I tried to hold onto a relationship, I destroyed it at the same time. I battle with myself every day in effect I battle with those around me. As much as moving here didn't work out, I gained a lot from it. I gained knowledge of myself, the way I am towards others, because I took myself away from those I had been blaming. I realized I couldn't blame anyone but myself. This is an inner battle. That I need to overcome. My family has done their best to help me in whatever ways they could, while at the same time doing what's best for my children. That puts them in a really tough position. I understand that better now.
I opened up online about my true struggles, In the months since I've opened up online, I feel more confident in sharing my story. I wanted to make a stronger message for my last blog and that is why I choose to make my video reaching out for help.
After my video reaching out, I was in shock! The amount of support and recognition my video got was incredible. It made me realize something, I had many people ask me questions about what anorexia really was. When answering those questions I realized how in the shadows Anorexia, Bulimia and any other Eating Disorders are. I realized how many people struggle to get the help that they so desperately need because of money. How sad is it that money can stand in the way of life or death. Let's take All Eating Disorders out the shadows by tagging out recovery pictures, our blogs, our pictures of struggles with #takeitoutoftheshadows so people can better understand how serious this disease really is!!
Even though I am not where I was last year, I am no where near where I should be. I'm tired of battling my inner mind. It's exhausting. My body literally hurts from head to toe for the last week. The online support has been incredible and I'm very grateful for everything everyone has done for me. That doesn't mean I'm not struggling in my everyday life still, your words and encouragements lift me up and give me hope of a better future.
I am having a hard time right now, as I pack up and leave Prince George. As I leave someone I've come to care tremendous amounts about. Who is also struggling the same battle. Bittersweet you could say.
As I'm ready to be home with my daughter again and much closer to my son. I feel sad that I can't go back and say "yes sweetheart I got the help I needed and mommy is doing better now." I just need to keep reminding myself that it's okay that I'm not one hundred percent better. It will take more time than I have given myself, it will take somewhere that can care for me with knowledge about eating disorders and monitor my intake. Yes I need to fight this battle on my own. No that doesn't mean I don't need a little help along the way. To retrain my brain. My routines and my ways of life. To learn new coping skills and to learn to express myself better in the physical form.
I am excited that until I am able to figure out any treatment I can get that I will be back with my daughter and closer to my son and family. I am glad that I know I will have a counsellor I connect with and that pushes me when Ana is screaming so loud.
My daughter doesn't know I'm coming home, I will arrive before she gets out of school and I am going to surprise her by picking her up from school. In the next eight days until I head on my journey back to Vancouver Island I will try to remember to look at the little positives in life and try to just enjoy the time i have left here...
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