Getting healthy for me isn't just about eating daily, taking my vitamins and the whole food aspect of it. A huge part of my recovery is recovering mentally. Learning about myself. Figuring out how to cope with my emotions. Making sure I go to my weekly dietician appointments, my counselling appointments, my monthly doctor visits and making sure I'm being completely honest. You can't get better if your lying to yourself or to the people trying to help you. You have to accept the problem and then realize what it's doing to you, you have to realize that this is a disorder and your not a horrible person because of it.
Sometimes my worst eating days are my best emotion days, and sometimes it's the other way around. I don't know what sets me off yet, and that's what I need to work so hard to figure out. I can't control what I don't acknowledge, and what I don't understand. So working towards understanding and overcoming is my main battle. I know I have a problem and I hear a lot "just eat" "isn't it as easy as just eating". Honestly no, it isn't just as easy as eating, because even if I'm sitting there with my favourite good in front of me I have no desire for it, no crave for the taste or what it would feel like to make my stomach stop knotting.
When you have an eating disorder you forget what you used to enjoy. I remember the first time I had eaten yogurt in a very long time, and I realized how much I absolutely love yogurt, but for so long my mind told me it would be gross.
I have started to regain the feeling of hunger, I lost it for a while I mean every week I'd get this hunger feeling, but it wouldn't come daily like most people. My stomach would tighten, feeling like there was knot in my stomach, it would make me feel sick, so instead of feeling hungry it got to the point of just feeling sick or major discomfort.
I love feeling hungry again, I know that might sound weird, but that tight knotting feeling is slowly going away, and it means that my little steps are working and it makes me feel really good!
Like I said it's not just about the food though, I need to figure out why this anorexia started, how it got so bad, and what sets it off.
Anorexia isn't just about eating, there is a huge mental impact about this. Look up what happens when you starve your body, and then tell me that someone with anorexia can make a rational choice.
Understanding is the biggest thing I need to learn about because I don't understand anorexia as well as I need to to recovery fully. That's my goal, to learn and research and listen to the doctors so I can better understand what's going on inside me!
No comments:
Post a Comment