Living In Fear Everyday

when I look at deeply at myself, I struggle to find positive things. Mostly I see what I've done in the past, the things I've said, the people I've hurt, the bridges I've burned. I see the storms I've created and the struggles I've made for myself. When I look at myself I see a broken person, someone who has lost control of the only thing she felt she had control over, I see someone filled with regrets, a girl living in her past, someone who's afraid of the future and afraid of the past. I'm living in fear. The question I have is what am I living in fear of..?
First off I don't have my kids.. I've already lived the hardest thing any parent could go through, and the only thing I can do now is focus on getting my life in order so I can finally stop living in this nightmare of other people raising my kids. Don't get me wrong I am so so grateful they have healthy happy lives, that still doesn't change I wish more than anything I could be stable and giving them those lives.
Secondly, I have anorexia. What is scarier than that? I live each day just trying not to let anorexia starve me. I spend everyday fighting myself, my emotions and that little voice inside my head telling me I don't need to eat. Why do I live in fear of a normal life when this is the most terrifying thing I've ever had to go through?
I wish I could tell you. I really do.

Thirdly, I live in fear of judgement. Why? I feel like I need to impress everyone around me, and honestly I'm really bad at it. I try so hard to make everyone else happy that I lose sight of me, I lose sight of what's truly important. I end up overwhelmed, emotions running high and then something huge happens that doesn't only impact my life, but my children's lives and my parents lives. It hurts me to know that I have played a huge role in changing other peoples lives because of my failures, such as my mom. She's had to change her entire life to raise my daughter.
Fourthly, I've hurt everyone I love. I don't know why I live in fear when my biggest fears have already come true. I've hurt my mother physically, emotionally, I'm sure mentally as well. That kills me inside. She's my mom, she was like my best friend. We were so close. Thinking about the fact I've done the things I've done, and said the things I've said to her. I can't believe it. If my daughter ever spoke to me the way I've spoken to my mother I'd be heart broken, disgusted and completely in shock. I wouldn't know how to react or what to say. I don't blame my mom for the things she's done to protect my kids. It's really hard for me to say, but I'm happy she did it.

All I want is to be healthy, happy and be able to be a great mother to my kids. It will take time, and it doesn't happen overnight. Things will get better and maybe one day I'll have an answer as to why I live in fear every single day.