A message to my children

Something is hurting me and I need to get it off my chest.
I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.
I'm sure missing my kids lately.. Feel empty being so far from them. I know it's the best thing right now but why does it have to be so hard.. It hurts so much.
This is a message for my kids.
I'm sorry that mommy couldn't be there to watch you learn and grow. I'm sorry we couldn't bond the way most mothers do. I'm sorry that I've failed you to give you a mother to look up to. I'm sorry if you feel I have given up on you. I'm sorry to my daughter for seeing everything she has seen, hearing the things she's heard and just being in the presence of so much that she shouldn't have been. I'm sorry to my son, for my taking care of my self and my body while I held you inside of me, I'm sorry that because of that you now have had bronchitis a few times. I'm sorry that I failed to bond with you when you were born, I am so so sorry I failed to last more than three weeks as a full time mother of two. It breaks my heart. I know this all affects you, how you see family, parents and life in general. I know that you didn't choose this way of life. I am sorry that I can't be there. I am sorry that I'm harmful to your environments right now. You mean everything to me and I wish more than words can explain that I could have bonded with you, raised you, watched you grow, sang songs with you, discovered your likes and dislikes, adventures and playtime the good times and the bad, I'm sorry that I've failed you.
My children. You two are the most beautiful human begins to ever come into my life, I am honoured and blessed to be privileged enough to be called your mother. I'm sorry that I've put you in separate homes, where you are being raised apart.  I am sorry to my daughter for not having her father, I wish more than anything that you could have both parents raising you in the most wonderful way.
I am sorry I have failed the promises I made while I carried you inside me, I am sorry that I couldn't take it. I am so sorry that I let life come in the way of me and you. I am sorry that I'm not there. I am sorry that I couldn't hold you when you hurt and cuddle you to bed at night.
My babies. I love you. More than you will ever know.

From your Mommy, I am Sorry.
I hope that one day, it doesn't have to be this way. I hope that I can get better, and this will all be the past. I hope one day I can be there.

I miss you, my heart is breaking