Tired of it all

I've actually been dreading writing this blog post, it's about time I do though.
Most days I find it hard to try. I find myself feeling hopeless, instead of angry at anorexia. I was given a meal plan a few weeks ago, which I've been having a hard time following. Going back to the island was a whole set a triggers for my anorexia. I came back feeling pretty crappy about how much I went off track while I was away. Im supposed to eat three meals a day with an ensure in the morning with my vitamins and an ensure before bed, plus a snack. And I can't even barely seem to eat two meals, lately I've been not wanting my ensures... And I just feel out of control again.. My muscle spasms have come back and they've gotten pretty painful, they never jerked my body this much before, I hate it. My jaw is beginning to hurt again.. Why can't all of that be motivation for me..?
Most days I just feel sad and empty at anorexia, I don't feel angry anymore like I can take my life back, that scares me. At least when I was angry, I was motivated.
I have seen stories and been told that people recover and that's great for them... I also see people who die a slow painful death.. It really gets me emotional trying to figure out which one I'm going to end up being...
I don't know what else I can do..
I've done meal planning, meal prepping, I've put alarms on my phone to tell me I need to eat.. I have a meal plan. A supportive man encouraging me.. And I can't seem to just buck up and do it.. Why does it have to be so hard..? Why can't I have my life back... I hate anorexia, and what it's done to me. I hate how it's changed the way I think and feel, about myself and others around me. I hate the burden it's put on my family and friends, I hate that it could take me from my children forever... I hate it. With all my heart. I want to Squash it like a little bug, but you can't squash it because it's not a little bug, remember it's a satan. Battling satan, the devil, your own inner demon.. How in the fuck am I supposed to fight something within myself.?
I'm scared that it's going to take over my life completely again and have me bed ridden..

I'm tired of fighting, I'm just so tired..