It doesn't matter to me wether I help thousands of people or just one person. What matters to me is that I'm sharing my story, to help get some of the things eating away inside my mind of my chest, and to hopefully help and encourage women and men to realize their not alone, this is a disease that many people suffer from, and it's something that you can completely recover from, just because you have anorexia/ED doesn't mean you can't over come it. Don't get me wrong I know that a lot of people don't recovery fully and have to have help the rest of their lives to stay healthy and on track with eating. That doesn't make you any less of a person, it doesn't mean you don't deserve life because you sometimes need a hand at taking care of yourself. You still deserve life, you deserve to be helped, to be encouraged and to be cheered on, whether it be by family, friends or health care professionals. Just because you can't always do it on your own doesn't mean your not worthy. It just means that you need guidance to not go down the path of relapsing.
It's scary, feeling like your all alone. Like no one understand, like no one cares. People will say your just doing it for attention, which just makes you want to end your life more because the last thing you want is the negative attention that your putting on yourself. Although your mind doesn't know any different, it's been programmed by anorexia to take over when your starting to feel positive. It's been programmed to tell you your not good enough, you eat to much, you have no control over yourself and your life. It tells you all of these things because it wants your life, it wants to see you suffer, but not because anyone else is making you suffer, anorexia wants to watch you make yourself suffer, until you eventually die of starvation or organ failure maybe even heart attack.
No matter how much you tell yourself this is anorexia talking and I know I need to change, reprogramming your mind can be the hardest things possible, I mean when times get rough you go back to your "norm" and for people with anorexia, starving themselves or bingeing and purging is two ways of being in the "norm", another way is putting yourself down, wether it be about who you are as a person, what you look like to yourself in the mirror or even how you feel about the things you've done in the past. It can all creep up very easily and sneakily, especially during this reprogramming stage.
For example: I have been taking ensures and vitamins every morning for a month and a half now, and I still don't see that as my normal, I still see not eating until after 3-4pm my normal. It's could take months to reprogram, it could take a week from now, honestly no one knows how long this process will take. First off because everyone is different and secondly because your fighting anorexia, a disease, a mental illness, something you can't just tell to piss off and leave you alone, it doesn't work like that. (If only it did... Sigh) life would be a lot easier for me if it did that's for sure.
Your not only battling a disease and mental illness, your battling yourself. Which is the hardest battle of all.
To look in the mirror and hate who you see staring back at you, to look and hate everything about what's in the mirror when your standing there bare. Lately a lot of the times when I look into the mirror I just burst into tears because I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to fight this battle, I worry so much that anorexia will take my life, and gladly too. Anorexia doesn't care that I have two kids I need to be on this earth for, anorexia doesn't care I've assaulted and hurt my parents mentally and emotionally, anorexia doesn't care that I push close friends away to the point of closed relationships/friendships. Anorexia doesn't give a fuck about anything but starving me, ultimately killing me. Anorexia would do just about anything to have my life under it's belt, and that scares me.
I feel like I'm fighting satan. A big mean fucking devil. That lives inside me, each and every day.
One day, I hope to not feel the need to battle the devil, I hope one day to be healthy and stable, I don't think I will ever fully recovery from anorexia, and even if I do I don't plan to leave my medical team, for the rest of my life I am going to do counselling therapy and have a dietician, so that I can ensure I am doing everything I can to freeze this hell going on inside me. So I can finally be in control of myself again, so I can take back my life, my emotions and maybe even recover some bridges that have been burned.
Maybe one day, the hell won't just freeze but it will be gone, wouldn't that just be the ultimate utopia.
Here to all those people fighting Satan inside them, here's to all those people taking back their lives, here's to all those people who support and encourage those who need help and recovery, here's to all the people who have helped me, and an even bigger thanks to someone very dear to me, who helped me open my eyes, who saw right into my soul, who read through my smiles and looked at me and said, I see a lost and broken soul. Thank you to Brittany Rankin, an inspiring, encouraging, supportive woman. Who opened my eyes to this, who made me realize I'm worth it, who helped me to come to terms with needing recovery, all while over social media! She's an amazing woman and I couldn't have done this without her words and encouragement, a huge massive shout out to the girl who saved my life ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I want you to know that your incredible, you saved me Brittany, don't ever forget it!
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