Then Vs Now

A few months ago I was so weak it literally took every fibre in my body just to get out of bed. It took even more out of me not to go back into bed. Upon standing I would get very dizzy and faint, I had to hold on to something or make sure I got up close to something so I had something to lean on. Sometimes I would get faint and dizzy just sitting there or laying in bed. I had shooting pains every single day from my toes up to my head. At high risk for heart attack and organ failure. Physically I was drained in every way possible. It took me hours to be able to convince myself to go for a walk with my daughter or to go get the thing from the store I wanted. Every time I went for a walk I would get over heated, sweaty and extremely light headed. My jaw started to hurt more and more each day. I could feel my body becoming smaller and smaller. Headaches came and went viciously, Cold all the time, although I was sweating I was still cold. I grew a very very thin layer of hair over my entire body.. You could see it in my face in my body, I was withering away to nothing, physically, emotionally and mentally.
I realized how badly my health was becoming. After being denied by in patient treatment centres and the hospital in my town  I was feeling very defeated, like I was supposed to let my life go to Ana. I was fighting with my family and it was no bodies fault but my own. Ana was screaming and I was letting her win. She was firing a vicious storm to stop the help from happening. I was starting to realize I need to fight back. I am 5'6 1/2 and I weighed 89 pounds.. I had a BMI of 13.. My heart rate was rapid, I am low in Vitamins D, B12 and B1..
I was becoming terrified. First off I had just accepted I had anorexia sometime last year, and I mean really accepted it. When I went to see a counsellor at the walk in counselling centre. I met the woman who helped me fight my own mind, who didn't give up on me when Ana came raging into my mind and attacked those around me. She pushed through, checked up on me even after a big blow out, she gave me hope again that I wasn't supposed to go, I have more to live for than that. That's when I truly accepted I had anorexia. I worked my ass off with that counsellor to get a team set up so I could eventually go to in patient treatment. I was denied by the treatment centre. Heart broken.. Feeling defeated. I had been talking to someone online for quite some time. We were extremely close and he offered to help me. After Skype calls and phone calls, text messages and just hours and days of getting to know one another. We decided to make a plan for me to move up there because there is an eating disorder clinic up where he lives. I know I'm crazy for even doing it. October 1st was the set day that I would leave my life on Vancouver Island pack up and move to somewhere I had never been before, to someone I had never met face to face. My family wasn't to impressed but they supported my decision to make my own choices. So I spent weeks getting everything into place, so that when I moved I would be already involved with the ED clinic, and be able to start focusing on my recovery full force.
I can't sit here and tell you that everything has been perfect. I miss my kids more than you could ever know... My babies! It's hard being so far away. I also know it's for the best right now. Before I came I started drinking ensure as much as I could but once I got here I started always having ensure and taking my vitamins, I was starting to eat more, and everything was starting to get better slowly.
My Health is still not up to par yet. My heart is still at risk, my organs as well. I still am cold a lot of the time and moving to Prince George really didn't help the cold aspect of it (BRRRR -20 today).
I still have mountains to climb before my health is where it should be. As for right now I'm feeling a lot better than I was 4 months ago. I have the little energy to get out of bed, and the energy to not go back into bed all day. Just for short little periods. I am able to walk to the store and get myself whatever it is I need without worrying about fainting or falling over . Without getting totally over heated, that might be because it's crazy cold out side! I am actually able to help out around the house without it taking me hours and hours, or without it making me feel like I need to sleep for 6 hours during the day. I am starting to get my hunger feelings back. Last night I actually felt hungry. I feel less like food has control over me and more like I have control over food.

I won't lie, I have my days where I'm literally exhausted from fighting Ana. I feel defeated and I just want to give up. I still have my days where I restrict and I don't even realize. Recovery does not happen over night. Recovery does not happen in a week. Recovery does not happen in a month. Recovery can take months and months or even years and years. Anorexia is a battle within yourself. It is a struggle that if you don't have it you might not understand it. I did not choose Ana. Ana came into my life sneakily and took over with great great power. Food is still pretty overwhelming for me sometimes and sometimes I get so frustrated trying to figure out what to eat I end up not eating.
I am doing much better than I was four months ago. Breakfast isn't so scary anymore. That was huge challenge for me.

It feels good to concur Ana, when I finish a meal, or drink a big smoothie. It makes me feel good and strong, like I have a fighting chance against this fucking bitch (pardon my language there). It makes me think to myself that I am worthy of life without Ana. I am allowed to get better and I didn't believe that before. She can't take me anymore, she may be able to creep in a few days here and there right now, not for long.. Slowly she is being shunned, killed... Be gone bitch. Be gone. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, I sure am a lot farther from where I was..
I feel grateful for the people who looked at me and told me that I was worth it, the people who never gave up on me, my mom for dealing with everything she's ever had to deal with because of me and because of Ana. I couldn't have done any of this without her raising my daughter. To my sons grandparents and father for raising my son and giving him everything he needs while I battle this demon inside me. I am grateful to that counsellor for standing up for me, for spending hours and days helping me get it all sorted out, for making the appointments for me and even sitting in on them with me just so I would actually do it. I am grateful for a friend who sat me down and said I know your not okay, I know your broken and I see so much inside of you. That day I had faith that someone actually seen how much I was struggling inside, how much I actually need help. I'm so grateful for my followers and supporters.

I started sharing my story because I wanted my struggle, my journey, everything I've experienced and dealt with to mean something. If writing my personal story and sharing it all over the internet for the world to see is going to help someone, even just one single person out the there, my story matters. I have had so many people reach out to me through comments, but most of all the people who have reached out to me in private messages and inspiring quotes and pictures. It might seem ridiculous but this all makes me feel like my story means something, like it matters to someone.
I started my blog on oct 11th after I moved to Prince George. Since that day I have received 1168 views. INCREDIBLE! the fact my story is getting out there the way it is is empowering for me. It's helped me feel a lot stronger in my journey.

So to every single person who has been apart of my journey, family, friends, counsellors, dieticians, doctors, nurses, my boyfriend, my followers, my social media friends, random strangers, people I've met along the way. Thank you so much!
Sharing my story has helped in so many ways for me, and the fact that my writing is helping others to just means that much more!

I am just so tired....

And maybe in life I am just supposed to learn to live without the Disorders, maybe my life isn't about the job, the license the cars, the successfulness that people associate with money. Maybe my life is about learning to live without worrying about food, weight and body image, maybe it's about learning to love myself and just being able to live a regular daily routine, without the depression, the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and the feelings of not feeling worthy of life. Maybe I was put on this earth to overcome everything thrown my way so I can use it to empower others... What if I wasn't put on this earth to be the most Successful or the most "popular"
Lately I've been realizing I could care less if people don't like me. I'm not here to please you. And if you sitting there waiting for it, Ah, your gonna be waiting a damn long time. What if I was put on this earth to survive this illness and battle with others to overcome things too. Maybe I'm trying to impress everyone else.. I would be very happy with my life if I could just,  overcome my emotional battles, if I could live a daily life without the worry of emotions and ana getting in the way, if I could eat without care and not have to worry about heart attacks and organ fail, if I could live a life without depression coming in and destroying every nice thought I have of myself and everything around me.
Most people want a successful job, to get married have a home. You know what I want ? I want this battle in my mind to stop, I want to feel okay again. I DONT WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I want to just be able to live, not worrying about staying alive. I'm so tired, I'm just so tired. I can't scream any louder, CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! Doesn't anyone see that I'm not okay.? Doesn't anyone read between my lines and see that I'm broken and I'm dying and no matter how hard I'm fighting with myself I am struggling and I am guilty..

CAN ANYONE FUCKING HEAR ME?! I ruin my own life, screaming for help, I destruct myself and things around me, screaming wishing and hoping someone would hear me... Someone would see I am not strong right now, my words are strong, I am good at empowering others. Myself not so much. I know I'm the only one who can fix this mess of a life I've created for myself... Wait did I even create it? I didn't ask for this, I never wanted this. CAN ANYONE HEAR ME? I'm screaming so loud... I'm just so tired.. I just want a life where I don't have to worry about surviving, I don't care about the fancy job, the nice cars or owing my own home. I just want health, happiness and stability. I want to be a mother to my children and to not have to worry about my heart and my organs or that I can't do any physical activity, I shouldn't feel guilty for running around with my kids, or walking to the store or having a hot bath... I JUST WANNA FEEL OKAY AGAIN.... Can anyone fucking hear me? Screaming so loud.....?

I'm just so tired... Tired of screaming... Tired of fighting... Just tired

Maybe it's time to change...

I think maybe my life will always be a roller coaster. I will always have curve balls thrown my way. It's not a matter of a smooth path, just a matter of finding peace with the bumpy path I'm already on, learning to accept that life goes up and it comes back down again.  I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of who I see staring back at me.
I feel like I have been living trying to make the world proud of me, which has only resulted in failure. One reason is because you can't please every body, someone somewhere along the line is going to disagree with what you do, or is going to tell you your doing something wrong. It isn't about what those people want for you. It's about what you want for yourself, it's about making yourself proud, building a life you want to wake up for everyday. It isn't about pleasing the rest of the world. If you spend the rest of your life trying to please everyone else your going to live a very very unhappy life. You cannot make everyone happy, not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that's okay. You have to live to make yourself happy, your the one who has to wake up in your body and live your life, so why build a life based on what will make everyone else happy? Your the one living it, so start making choices that you want in life, that will bring you closer to where you want to be, take a stand for yourself, be selfish for 30 minutes a day.
You weren't born to make everyone else happy, you were born to live. To grow, to learn, to make mistakes and try again if it doesn't work the first time. To learn when is the right times to walk away and when is the right time to put the effort in to stay. It's about leaving the job that makes you unhappy and going for the one you've always dreamed of. Instead of saying I can't do that because of.... Whatever your excuse may be. Replace I can't, with I'm going to try anyways. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take as my dad always used to say.
Would you rather be eighty looking back at life going, man I wish I had done that, or said how I felt to that person, or just took the step and tried. Or would you rather be eighty looking back going I never gave up, I kept trying. I think it would feel a lot better to look back and be proud of all the different things you challenged yourself to, be proud of all the chances you did take, feel fulfilled in your life because you didn't not take the opportunity or the job you thought you couldn't handle.
Give yourself a chance, even if it's just a little one. Believe in yourself.
Your the only one who can truly look at themselves and say, you need to do this because no one is going to do it for you.
Maybe this new year is the time to start taking chances in my life, to start doing the things I talk about doing instead of just planning and talking about them, I need to stop with the "I can't" and start with the "I'm going to try anyways"
I would rather fail trying my best at something, then wish I had taken the chance and wonder for the rest of my life if I could have succeeded at whatever it may have been.

I asked my daughter the other day what she wanted to be when she grows up... After I asked the question my heart kinda sank for a minute. I thought to myself what if she says she wants to be just like me, what if I'm the one she looks up to and wants to be just like when she grows up. Right now that's really scary. I don't want my daughter on disability, anorexia and struggling for her life. I want her to succeed in every way of life, to finish school on time, to go to college if she wants, to find a job she enjoys, to be a independent young women, without the disorders, without the trauma, without the anorexia, without the pain I've been carrying around with me since I was four. I don't want her living with this feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, I want her to feel empowered, strong, confident and happy in her life.
As of right now, I am not setting a very good example. What so ever. That kills me. Deeply hurts me. I want to be the role model. The one she's dying to be just like, just not like this. Not broken and sad, the feeling of being unlovable. She doesn't deserve it. If I want my daughter to look up to a strong independent woman, I need to start being a strong independent woman, I need to start paving the path to show my daughter how to overcome obstacles and to continue on with life even when it feels unbearable.
At that moment when my heart sank, I realized that I needed to fix something. Not for anyone else but for me, because I don't want my daughter looking up to the person I am right now, I want her to look up to recovered Mommy, healthy Mommy, stable Mommy, working Mommy, The mommy who just wants to give her children the world!
The mommy who can give her children as much as she could possibly give. I need to make some changes for me. Not for my doctors, my parents, my family, my friends, not for my followers or the social media world. I need to do this for me. I deserve it. I deserve to feel confident in my skin again, I deserved to feel beautiful without feeling guilty about it. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE MYSELF. Even though society says otherwise. I am allowed to love my body. I AM ALLOWED TO LOVE FOOD, without Ana screaming Everytime I go to grab something. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME.

Let's help change the world

There is two different types of Anorexia. I didn't even realize I had this disease until I learn about the two types. One type is called Anorexia Binge and Purge Type and the second type is called Anorexia Restricting. Although they are different, they are both extremely dangerous, and potentially life threatening. Anorexia is a serious disease, wether your type restrictive or type binge and purge. The first time I am going to touch base with is Anorexia Binge and Purge type. I personally am not struggling with this type of anorexia. I have never purged before and I don't plan to. That doesn't mean it isn't as serious! That's why I am going to talk about both types and not just the one I am personally dealing with.

Anorexia Binge and Purge Type:

This type of anorexia is where someone would induce vomiting after eating. When they eat they get this sense of guilt, which leads to the purging. This can cause extreme damage to the digestive system, causing your oesophagus to burst because of the acid. Anorexia Binge and Purge is really terrifying. For both the person going through it and the people watching them go through it. The scariest part about this type of anorexia is that your food intake won't always stay in your body, which makes it really hard for your body to maintain health. It also makes it extremely difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Another way to purge is using laxatives, women sometimes take these to maintain a skinny figure. It causes your heart to work faster, your mind to work slower, your brain slows down, your skin starts to yellow, a thin layer of hairs grows along your skin, it's painful and scary. I can't imagine any women who is purging and happy about it, maybe there is. I've never experienced this type so I cannot say for sure exactly how the people are feeling while doing this, I can only imagine that they feel scared, lost and helpless. If we could just support recovery in this disease by encouraging recovery on social media, tv, just everywhere, like they do weight lose. We might just be able to change a few peoples lives! We might just be able to help make a girl not feel alone, feel strong enough to fight back, see that this can be openly talked about without hiding behind the computer screen, anorexia is not something to be ashamed of, but something to fight against and support recovery for! Let's show women with anorexia that they are beautiful and strong and that they deserve life too!

Now I'm going to get into Anorexia Restrictive Type. This may get emotional for me, and their may be a little more anger towards this type as I am struggling with it and seeing first hand how it affects my life and the lives around me.

Anorexia Restrictive Type:

Anorexia Restrictive is when the person will restrict the intake. Sometimes no intake at all goes into them at all. Mostly all the same health problems affect you, just not so much the oesophagus and digestive system. It's extremely painful. You loose hunger signs because you've been ignoring them so long. It's more of a tight knotting feeling in your upper stomach area, and Ana(anorexia) will just tell you that your sick or not feeling good. It's mind controlling, life consuming, world destroying, painful to go through and to watch, it's emotional and heartbreaking. Anorexia is a cold hearted bitch. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Ana will walk into your life with her head held high, Ana  will start throwing storms this way and that way, Ana doesn't care that you have children, family and friends, Ana doesn't care that you want to get better mentally, physical  and emotionally. Picking and poking and your mind, your body and the views you have of yourself and those around you. Ana sees someone you love trying to help you, so she's controls you to self destruct and rid your life of that person by literally being crazy. I've lost very close friends because of Ana. I may realize one day they were not friends at all but for now, I am going to use the anger I have of the lose of my close friends to fight for my life against Ana. Ana doesn't care that I want to be a mother to my children, she doesn't care that I almost lost my son while I carried him inside me, she doesn't care that she has taken over my life to the point of needing so much help I can't even recover around those I love.
I have had anorexia restrictive for many years now, and I had only accepted it earlier this year. I started connecting with a walk in counselling clinic in my town, and they helped me get a doctor, a pshycriatrist who specializes in eating disorder, a therapist and a dietician. During the times of getting this medical team set up, I had applied to a treatment center on an island away from everyone, I was denied after they put me through mental health counselling to see if it would work for me, they just kept telling me they wanted to do everything they could to keep me out of there. Stab. Right in the heart. I felt like they didn't believe me. I went to the hospital, to be admitted for anorexia. They wouldn't admit me, and honestly I don't really blame them. I wouldn't get the blood work because Ana was raging inside of me, I went to the hospital completely alone, so it was easy for Ana to take over and just walk out. I ripped up the prescription they gave me for vitamins because I didn't believe that taking a vitamin was going to make me any better. I had left and gone back three times. Being turned away every time, I was feeling like no one took me seriously, I felt like people didn't understand how serious this was, I felt like I just wanted to die. My parents felt like they couldn't help me, I felt like I'm to much for anyone to handle most days. I felt different and weird all the time. Did anyone understand me? Did anyone get how much I wanted help, hoe desperately I'm begging and pleaded for someone to just look me straight in the eyes and understand that I'm not evil, I'm not a horrible mother, I am not a monster. I am a broken and lost girl. I feel scared for myself and my children a lot. I couldn't imagine them having to live their lives without me. I am not a bad friend, I am not this person I've portrayed myself to me. Ana has taken over me, Ana has destroyed my life in many many ways. I lost who I am along the way, because I know I can be a great mother to my children. At age 15 I gave up drinking and partying I replaced it with cooking classes, baby groups, prenatal classes and baby classes, I went to school full time and then after Bella was born I went back to work full time when she was just six months old, while still attending school. I was striving in my life, on track to graduate on time. Then my relationships in my house started to slip, I started to drink more often and eventually I got arrested for assaulting my mom and step dad. Something I am in no way proud of. I am extremely ashamed of that day. I went to live with my dad and ending up Coming back only a few weeks later, only to find out I was pregnant again. At age 17, with an already 16 month old baby girl, while attending school. During all of this time, Ana was sneaking into my life. I started to restrict meals, and sometimes I would realize at 11pm I hadn't eaten yet. I struggled with Ana during my pregnancy with my son which is why I almost lost him. I eventually got kicked out of school for fighting and being arrested on grounds. Which made it so I couldn't graduate on time.
My life for two year was litterally over taken by Ana. Completely. I care about the ones I love, although Ana doesn't. Which turns to me loosing a lot of close people..
Anorexia restrictive is horrible, heart breaking, emotional, world destroying and absolutely just painful to be stuck in.

It is not a fad, a fashion statement or a lifestyle. Anorexia is a disease. A life threatening, world destroying, mind controlling, just like cancer disease.
Take it seriously. Support recovery.
You wouldn't want to be watching someone you love go through this and I know for damn sure you wouldn't want to be dealing with this. Help someone not feel alone. Reach out to even just one person and tell them your proud of them. Honestly it means the absolute world to me when people reach out and encourage me, it makes me feel strong not weak anymore, it makes me feel supported not alone anymore, it makes me feel like someone believes in me, even if it's just for a hour, or even just for a moment, it helps so much!
Educate to eliminate.

"No matter what we do we will never be able to change everyone mind about any disease. But if we can change that one kids mind, we can change the world!" - Kourtney Egan

A friend posted this on my page the other day and it really stuck with me.
It's important to remember that we aren't going to be able to change all the minds, but if we can start young and change the children's views we can change the world!

Let's educate not discriminate!

Do you remember being in middle school or high school? Do you remember that really skinny girl, whom you used to call anorexic? Do you remember that you used that word as an insult, like it's the word "asshole". Do you remember throwing that word around like it wasn't hurtful? Do you remember how when you were in middle school or high school, how it was gross to be anorexic?

We need to start teaching our children the seriousness of this disease. We need to empower them to love their bodies of all shapes and sizes. We need to start being more aware of how not being educated on this can be harmful for our children. Anorexia is not gross.. It is scary, horrifying,  mind controlling, selfish, unstable, emotional.. Anorexia otherwise known as "Ana" is a very serious disease. We need to teach our children that anorexia is in a way like cancer. It doesn't just go away, it can't be fixed with medication. Ana is a bitch. She's a cold hearted life taking bitch. She will walk into your life head high, and just start the storms, she will wreck everything and everyone who tries to stand in her way. She will control your thinking your eating your motivations she is haunting you every single day. Ana does not just disappear because you don't want to be anorexic. If that were so I would not be anorexic. Ana is serious. It is dangerous. It is life taking. Ana puts your body into something called "slow gear". Slow gear is when your mind slows down, your heart works faster to try and keep moving, your organs start slowing down, your hunger signs disappear. Your muscle start to spazz, you loose the fluids between your bones, it causes a lot of pain, bones become achy, you get a soft layer of thin hairs along your body, your skin starts to yellow. Ana is absolutely devastating to watch someone go through, it's even more devastating to go through.
I have lost friends, I have torn apart lives, including my own, I have lost my children, been arrested four times and charged four times aswell.. Ana has taken my life over completely, I started to literally look death in the face. I tried to be admitted into hospital, I tried to apply for inpatient treatment at two different locations. I absolutely felt helpless, I felt hopeless, insecure, I felt like the professional medical world had given up in me, I felt like my family had given up on me because Ana made me believe they did, I felt like my friends were out to get me, or not good friends at all. I was falling apart at every seam, every part of me was screaming for help like no one has ever screamed before, and it felt like no one heard me. I felt like a little ant on the ground who just couldn't get the humans to hear her, screaming louder, wrecking more havoc, ruining my life more and more each day, screaming louder, breaking friendships, screaming so loud I thought the world would be able to hear me, I was screaming in all the wrong ways, Ana had my life by her reins and she was winning. Ana is scary. She is a destroyer of lives, families, innocent women and men. A destroyer of everything in her path.
could I ever scream loud enough for those around me to hear.. Everytime I drive by a large field, I imagine running out with all my might into the middle and literally just screaming at the top of my lungs until I can't scream anymore!! Would they hear me then? Would they see me begging for help? Would their views of me change? Would anorexia still be an insult to them? Would it still be gross, that I'm starving myself because I can't control it?
We need to teach our children about the affects of anorexia. We need to educate to eliminate!
It is not a lifestyle choice, a fad or a fucking fashion statement. Ana is an evil bitch and the less you know the better she can get you.

Let's educate not discriminate!
Be more aware of what your saying and how it affects the person your saying it too. My whole life I was called anorexic for being underweight. I told myself I would never be. Honestly I didn't even think I was, until I learned about anorexia and the different types it has. Type Restrictive is the type that I am struggling with. I do not purge. If you don't understand what purge means, don't feel ridiculous I didn't know what it meant either, purging is throwing up. I restrict my food intake. Literally starve myself.
I don't have a desire to be thinner. I did not get this disorder because I wanted to be skinnier. I lost control of my life. I felt like I couldn't control any aspect of my life, and that's when Ana walked into my life, head high, ego high. Ana completely took over! I controlled my food because I couldn't control my life. Little did I know. That was Ana. So viciously starting to take over my life!
I am grateful for those who've supported my recovery, I am more than grateful for those who stuck me through it all, through the rage, through the storm, through the life destruction, I am thankful for those who have forgiven me for my mistakes.
I am grateful I gained enough courage to realize I need help and to start fighting against Ana. I will win. This bitch can't take me. I am stronger, I have children to live for and many years to see still! I am not done living my life.
So I say screw you Ana! I will day by day, little by little, change the way I let you control my life, one day you will be dead to me and you will not live in my mind any longer, one day I will have slowly and viciously killed you, because you can't take my life you are not allowed to have my life. I deserve better than you, I hate you!

THIS IS MY FIGHT AND I AM GOING TO WIN!

let's promote weight gain and weight lose instead of just weight lose

"Do you want to gain weight?" " try these new weight lost pills" "work out you'll loose weight" "pfft, being over weight has so many more health issues than being underweight" "try this wrap to loose weight" "do you want to be 5 sizes smaller?"
Tabloids, magazines, tv's, social media etc, it's everywhere.
First off I am going to start off with how important weight loose is for those who are overweight, I completely respect that and understand that.

What about the people who want to gain weight? What about advertising the problems that being underweight consists of as well as the problems of being overweight. Do not get me wrong I am in no way trying to take away from the importance of weight lost and the importance of health for EVERYONE!
Did you know that anorexia nervosa type restrictive is actually in reality starving yourself. When you starve your body it can cause damage to viral organs, including your heart and your brain.
Your body starts to go slower trying to protect itself. Not having very much body fat leads to having lower body temperatures and making it harder to withstand the cold, and to become warm after getting cold. Mild anemia, swollen joints, reduced muscle mass, and light-headedness also commonly occur in anorexic individuals. I've suffered from locked bones and joints, my hips will lock up, my ribs get stuck on each other and move slightly, my hips and knees will randomly give out. Upon standing I get very dizzy, my heart sometimes will just start racing while I'm just sitting there. Especially when I'm walking or doing something like lifting or moving something. My hair falls out in large amounts when I shower. Anorexia is the scariest more terrifying thing I have ever encountered. It's slowly been taking my life. Why can't there be pictures everywhere plastered about how to gain weight and how to get to a healthy weight for yourself?
I understand there is always going to be weight lose pictures, advertisements and whatever else, could the world maybe start throwing in more for the other side too?!
Anorexia, otherwise known as Ana, comes into your life, and completely takes over, slowly or fast, in small doses or in a huge Big Bang, no matter how Ana comes into your life, she's scary. No matter how severe it is, it's scary. No matter if your not even underweight yet, and Ana has just arrived, it's scary.
I don't want to slowly kill myself.. I don't want to do this, I don't want my children to watch me go through this and struggle and be away because I need help..
Underweight is seriously unhealthy, as is overweight.
People need to stop thinking that being skinny fixes everything and there is no health issues with it, because there is, many many health problems. Anorexia is suicide.
Anorexia is not a fucking lifestyle (sorry about my language there) it is a disease, an evil conniving bitch that creeps in and destroys everything in her path, Ana wants to see you die, Ana doesn't want to see you get healthy, because then there is no more Ana.

But Ana can go fuck herself, she can kindly walk the hell out of my life, she can watch me fight for my life, and SHE CAN WATCH ME WIN!

Take this disease seriously! If you know someone are someone or are becoming someone with Ana, Ed or Bulimia! You are not alone! You are beautiful! You are strong and I believe in every single one of you!

IM TAKING MY LIFE BACK

It's time that I let go of all of the negative memories from my past I'm holding into. It's time to focus on the present and the future. It's time to grow up. It's time to really do this. The only thing holding me back is me, and that kills me. The hardest part of all of this is I'm fighting with myself to get better and no one can do anything for me but myself. It's time to let go of the fact I can't parent my children right now, it's time to let go, they are happy healthy and stable and it's more than I could ever ask for, so from now on, I am letting go of any negative memories that I'm holding on to surrounding my kids and their situation, it's time I forgive myself, it's time I realize that I can't help them until I help myself. It's time to let go of the hatred I feel towards myself for "failing" as a parent, I need to let go of the fact that I feel I failed, because I didn't fail. It's time to feel worth again, it's time for me to take my life back, not to take it back and become someone I used to be. To take it back by accepting what's happened, accept the situations in life as they are and let go of the resentment u have built up so deep.

Today, I let go of my past. Today, I accept my faults. Today, I am telling myself and the world that I am worthy, I am deserving of life and I am telling myself that everything will be okay.
Today, I stop looking back on negative times, negative memories and negative thoughts.
Today, I am forgiving myself for the faults I've made, I am forgiving myself for the choices I've made, I am forgiving myself for everything that's happened.

Today I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!
Today, will be the day!
Today is MY day!
And tomorrow, I will do the same